“I need everyone to step out of the van.”
The ride to the police station was rather dull, except of course for Mrs. Wellington’s constant insistence on calling the governor. Once at the station, Mrs. Wellington and Schmidty were placed in a small holding cell while the children were taken into an office to be questioned.
At a round table, Theo, Lulu, Garrison, Madeleine, and Hyacinth were seated uncomfortably before a large one-way mirror.
“Theo, Celery doesn’t want you to mention getting arrested in the wedding toast. I don’t care, of course, but you know Celery… so conservative,” Hyacinth babbled nervously. “Although if I were ever going to be arrested, I would want it to be with my besties! Oh my gosh, we’re besties behind bars!”
Ignoring Hyacinth’s comments, Theo started walking around the small room. “All I can say is thank heavens I caught that Law & Order marathon, or I’d be pretty freaked out.”
“We almost crashed a hundred times on the highway, we’re in a police station waiting to be questioned, and we’re late for a beauty pageant where one of Mrs. Wellington’s rivals may out the school. How is this my life?” Garrison asked, throwing his hands up in the air.
“I feel the answer to that question may take longer than we really have time for here. Do you mind if we come back to that?” Theo asked earnestly.
As Garrison shook his head at Theo, a large and intimidating female police officer entered the room with a tray of candy and a really big smile.
“Hi, guys. How’s everyone doing today?” she asked as she pulled out a chair. “I’m Officer Patty, and I’m going to ask you a few questions. But first, does anyone want any candy?”
“I do!” Theo said quickly.
“Didn’t your mother teach you not to take candy from strangers?” Lulu asked severely.
“Weren’t you listening? Her name’s Officer Patty, so she’s hardly a stranger.”
“A stranger is someone you don’t know, and we don’t know Officer Patty, so put down the chocolate bar.”
Theo’s face was racked with misery and torment as he dropped the chocolate bar back on the tray. After all the shenanigans and near-death experiences on the road, he could really have used a sugar rush.
“I’m a police officer. You can trust me,” Officer Patty said with a smile toward Theo. “Now, who wants to tell me what happened?”
“Hello, Officer Patty,” Theo began. “My name is… Th—Hank… yes, my name is Thank… like Thank you… my parents are big on politeness. I would really appreciate it if we could not do the whole fingerprinting thing or mug shot… I really want to keep this out of the school paper if possible… could make reelection pretty tough…”
“Thank,” Lulu said, “she’s not arresting you, so you can relax. Your hall monitor status is safe.”
“It’s true, Officer Patty, I’m one of yours… a fellow badge-carrying… well, actually, mine is more of a sash, but—”
“Thank? Maybe you could stop talking for a second?” Lulu interrupted. “Officer Patty, we need to be released and so does Mrs. Wellington.”
“About this Mrs. Wellington,” Officer Patty said as she pulled out a notebook. “Who exactly is she?”
“She’s our—”
“Don’t say it!” Madeleine interrupted.
“She’s our camp counselor,” Lulu finished.
“Yes, she’s our camp counselor!” Madeleine seconded enthusiastically.
“What’s the name of this camp?” Officer Patty asked doubtfully.
“Camp Theo,” Theo said with a huge smile.
“Camp Theo? I’ve never heard of it.”
“Oh, yes, it’s a small little place in the woods where everyone hugs hello, the kitchen never closes,” Theo said with a reflective expression, “and there’s always a chocolate on your pillow.”
“That sounds like sooo much fun!” Hyacinth added.
Nearby Mrs. Wellington and Schmidty sat in a small and dingy holding cell. Mrs. Wellington held her nose as Schmidty attempted to fan the area in front of her face. Two officers sat on the other side of the bars staring at the odd pair, much as one would watch animals at the zoo.
“Excuse me, young men, but I must get out of here. There is something extremely important happening today, and I haven’t the time to be arrested. Couldn’t we reschedule this whole thing for a later date? I could even bring tea sandwiches and pastries.”
“Lady, you are a real piece of work,” one officer said, shaking his head in disbelief. In all his years as a cop, he had never dealt with a woman in a tutu, let alone one accompanied by a man with the most elaborate comb-over in New England.
“Fine, I’ll bring donuts,” Mrs. Wellington said huffily. “Now can we postpone this incarceration nonsense?”
“If I may interrupt, officer, aren’t we entitled to a phone call?” Schmidty asked calmly.
“Yeah, the law says you get one phone call,” the officer answered, bringing the phone to the bars. “You better hope they’re home, because I’m not feeling too generous today.”
“Thank heavens, you’ve watched enough movies to know our rights,” Mrs. Wellington said to Schmidty as she dialed.
Mrs. Wellington removed her pink rhinestone clip-on earring and pressed the old black phone to her ear. With a tight chest, she looked at the clock and saw that time was running out. As the old woman’s blood pressure skyrocketed, she closed her eyes and said a silent prayer for the situation to be remedied.
“Hello? Munchauser?” Mrs. Wellington spat into the phone. “I’ve been arrested and I’m late for a pageant to meet the burglar… oh, it’s a long story… call the governor and remind him where he would be without me… no, that was the president… the governor was afraid of being abducted by UFOs… who is Dawn Delight… are you at the track… you have five minutes to fix this or you’re fired… oh, and I’ll take twenty on Dawn Delight.”
Exactly four minutes and twenty-eight seconds later, the phone rang. The first officer rubbed his head as he listened. Then he passed the phone to another officer, who listened and nodded before passing the phone to yet another officer. The third and final officer mumbled something into the phone before slamming it down.
The clank of the receiver on its plastic frame brought Mrs. Wellington to her knees—quite literally. The old woman’s knees actually gave out from shock as she slumped onto the sullied concrete floor.
“We’re finished,” Mrs. Wellington muttered as she lowered her head. “We’ll never make the pageant in time.”
CHAPTER 15
EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Chronophobia is the fear of clocks or time.
The air had grown stale and thick in the office since Officer Patty had finished her inquisition. Hyacinth had dozed off with Celery neatly tucked away in her shirt. Next to her, Lulu played with her hair in between shooting hostile looks at Officer Patty. While at first irritated by Lulu’s harsh stares, Officer Patty soon found solace in a decadent chocolate bar.
Watching Officer Patty slowly savor the candy bar was nearly more than Theo could handle. The young boy was in absolute agony as he debated whether or not to give in to his intense sugar cravings. A full tray of sweets and chocolates was mere inches away, taunting him mercilessly. Theo had never been one for self-control where candy was concerned, which made this all the more painful. If only Lulu and the others would look away for ten, maybe twenty seconds. That was all the time he needed to swallow a chocolate bar whole. Theo was more than willing to forgo chewing.
As Theo’s hand moved slowly toward the tray of goodies, Lulu cocked her head in his direction. With a steely glare she shook her head meaningfully. It was clear: accepting the sweets was akin to betrayal. Theo thought Lulu was taking her loyalty a bit far, but what choice did he have?
Theo’s sweet tooth silently raged as Garrison paced back and forth in front of the one-way mirror. He wasn’t sure if anyone was even behind it, but the mere possibility of it irked him. This wasn’t
some sort of reality show where children paraded their fears on camera, Garrison thought while running his fingers through his messy blond locks.
For once Madeleine was utterly uninterested in Garrison. Her entire focus belonged to the cracked clock on the wall. The speed with which the second hand moved absolutely astounded Madeleine. Never did a second seem quite so fast. Was time always passing this fast? Channeling her inner Theo, Madeleine looked down at her hands, half expecting to see liver spots and wrinkles. Oh, dear, the young girl thought, jail was really getting to her.
Just as Madeleine prepared to ask for a glass of water and perhaps a doctor, the heavy metal door creaked open. The small gust of cool air was a welcome relief to the room’s occupants. An older, white-haired officer with a stomach almost as big as Schmidty’s waltzed in slowly.
“Patty, you can take off. We’re releasing the kids back to the old people.”
“Older people,” Mrs. Wellington corrected the man from down the hall. “Just because we’re older than these prepubescent mutts does not mean we are old. Why, we’re barely middle-aged… or at least I am…”
“Pipe down, tutu,” the white-haired officer responded before turning back to Officer Patty. “So, like I was saying, we’re letting the crazy lady leave with the kids.”
“It’s your call,” Officer Patty said with a mouthful of chocolate.
“Actually, Patty, this was the governor’s call,” the white-haired officer explained before departing.
Madeleine, Lulu, Theo, and Garrison exchanged looks on hearing mention of the governor. Perhaps Mrs. Wellington was better connected than they thought. Theo felt both reassured and frightened by this information. While it was nice that Mrs. Wellington knew such a powerful man, it also reinforced just how little he knew about his tutu-wearing teacher.
“I suppose we ought to wake Hyacinth before we leave,” Madeleine said unconvincingly.
“Yeah, I guess so,” Lulu reluctantly agreed, knocking Hyacinth lightly across the head.
“Don’t leave me!” Hyacinth yelped before she even opened her eyes, clearly afraid of being left behind.
“Honestly, Lulu, that’s the only way you could think to wake her?” Theo asked disdainfully. “A fist bump to the head?”
“It was a tap, and if it was so important to you to wake Hyacinth with a serenade or with a handful of rose petals, then you should have stepped in.”
CHAPTER 16
EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Athazagoraphobia is the fear of forgetting or being forgotten.
Upon returning to the van, the group made a terribly distressing discovery. In the haste of their arrest, they had not only left their windows open, but they had all forgotten Macaroni. Thankfully, English bulldogs enjoy sleeping almost as much as eating, which was exactly how Macaroni passed the time.
Once seat belts were securely fastened, Mrs. Wellington arranged the mirrors so that she could see herself at all times. After a quick application of lipstick, she turned the key and began revving the engine. This act set off Theo’s safety radar, prompting him to clear his throat loudly. “I think we’ve all learned an important lesson today about the dangers of speeding, reckless driving, and incarceration.”
With a look of determination, Mrs. Wellington slammed her foot on the gas and stormed into traffic.
“Did you learn nothing, woman? Was jail one big joke to you?” Theo hollered as drivers honked and offered obscene hand gestures.
“Does anyone see a park? Trees? Greenery? Picnic tables? Maybe a swing set or sandbox?” Mrs. Wellington babbled manically as she drove erratically down the highway.
“Madame, not that I wish to increase your anxiety or the speed of this vehicle, but we only have fifteen minutes until the pageant starts. Maybe it’s time to come up with a plan B,” Schmidty said as he closed his eyes, unwilling to watch as Mrs. Wellington entered the city limits of Boston.
“I am morally opposed to plan B’s and you know that, old man. They are the delinquents of the plan world, and I will have absolutely nothing to do with them.”
“Yet another reason to always carry a cell phone. You never know when your mentally unhinged teacher dressed in a tutu is going to get lost on her way to a beauty pageant to meet her blackmailer,” Theo explained earnestly to Hyacinth.
After a few nods of her head, Hyacinth smiled sweetly at Theo. “Thee Thee, Celery thinks you may have forgotten to brush your teeth this morning. I haven’t noticed your halitosis, but that’s what Celery’s telling me. And she should know, since ferrets are known for their strong sense of smell.”
“Well,” Theo said with embarrassment as he covered his mouth and attempted to smell his own breath, “first of all, ferrets are known for nothing. They are the least distinguished members of the animal race. And second of all, it’s not as if Celery smells so good herself. She doesn’t shower, use toilet paper, or even own a toothbrush. And I’ve seen her pee on her own foot more than once.”
“Is that the park?”
“No, Madame,” Schmidty responded. “That is a single tree. I believe more than one tree is needed to qualify as a park.”
“Why are there so many buildings and cars everywhere? It’s as if they are hiding this park from me on purpose. This whole thing stinks of crown jealousy!”
Theo watched as Mrs. Wellington looked everywhere but at the road ahead. After taking a deep breath, he raised his hand and cleared his throat for the umpteenth time that day. “I don’t mean to interrupt, Mrs. Wellington. Actually, on second thought, I do mean to interrupt you from NOT looking at the road,” Theo said gravely. “I’m pretty sure the rule is six seconds, and I clocked you at seven. A lot could happen in seven seconds. I doubt you even realize how long seven seconds is. Let me demonstrate… one, two, three, four, five, six, seven… that didn’t feel that long. Maybe I said them too quickly. One Mississippi, two—”
“Enough, Chubby! We haven’t time for safety lessons.”
“Excuse me, Madame, but I’m rather certain that sign says Franklin Park, or is that Fooman Pork?” Schmidty said, squinting severely. “So it’s either the park or Chinese food.”
Franklin Park, named for one of America’s founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, was an odd location to choose for the pageant. Not simply because it was Boston’s largest park at 527 acres and therefore rather difficult to navigate, but also because it was outdoors. Pageants are generally conducted within a building, with electricity for hair dryers, curlers, and countless other appliances. As Mrs. Wellington parked the van illegally, she couldn’t help but wonder what self-respecting beauty queen would arrange such an event in a park. It was simply blasphemous!
Without a second to spare, Mrs. Wellington charged into the park, sashaying past the pond, across the golf course, and finally under an archway. Once through the arch, she caught a whiff of hair spray and false-eyelash glue. Much like a bassett hound on the trail of a rabbit, she kept her nose pointed toward the ground as she drew long ragged breaths, digesting the many smells before continuing on her way. Normally such behavior would elicit a response from the group, but not today.
Mrs. Wellington’s companions had long since stopped talking. The trek across the park had left them all winded, as well as dubious of the entire mission. Theo worried that this was a sophisticated setup so the burglar could hold them up and steal their wallets in the middle of the park. Schmidty now fretted that this was a ruse to get them away from Summerstone so the entire mansion could be rummaged for valuables, or worse, documented for a press release. The mere idea of it turned his stomach inside out.
As for Madeleine, she simply did not have the mental space to worry about others when she was in the middle of a park at the height of summer. This was spider season, and she was not about to allow another one to crawl across her ivory skin. Much as one would expect from a person suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, Madeleine was experiencing horrid flashbacks. At least twice an hour her mind would momentarily go bl
ank before being flooded by the memory of the spider hanging precariously over her face, then being brutally squished on her forehead. As she recalled this incident, an earthquake of emotions left her mute with nausea. The young lady simply could not speak a word while going through the torturous memories of the spider invasion. With all this racing through her mind, Madeleine did her best to stay with the group, but it wasn’t easy. For on top of that, Madeleine insisted on flailing her arms about to keep any creepy-crawly creatures at bay.
As for Theo and Garrison, both were concentrating on extricating their hands from Hyacinth, who had rather amazingly managed to attach herself to both boys. This was Hyacinth’s favorite type of walking; she was literally encumbered by people. Garrison and Theo did not share her enthusiasm for the hand-holding and could think of nothing but how clammy and repulsive their hands felt. Ahead of the boys, Lulu was hot on Mrs. Wellington’s trail, anxious to confront the burglar who had caused everyone so much stress.
As for Macaroni, he was taken in by the lush scenery of the park, with its piles of moss-covered stones, winding paths, and endless trees. It had been quite some time since the chubby bulldog had ventured out of his normal territory, and he was thoroughly delighted by it. More than the new sights and sounds, it was the new smells that left him enchanted. Other than eating and sleeping, smelling was one of Macaroni’s favorite leisure activities.
“That must be it!” Mrs. Wellington shouted as she pointed toward a red-and-white-striped tent at the edge of a cluster of trees.
“Madame, I believe that is a circus tent,” Schmidty said.
The tent was at least two stories high, with multiple pointed peaks. It was impossible to see how far back the tent stretched, but it certainly didn’t appear modest in size.
“This makes perfect sense. They couldn’t possibly have a pageant outdoors. Everyone knows pageant makeup is not meant to be viewed in broad daylight.”
Class Is Not Dismissed! Page 9