by Joss Wood
In a perfect world, that little blob should be his baby. Cady would be permanently his, rather than a temporary fling, the fiancée the world thought she might be. In a perfect world his parents wouldn’t be dead, and he’d have another sibling. His parents would be playing with and spoiling their grandchildren.
Feeling this connected, this overwhelmed, this emotional, caused his throat to tighten and his heart to bang against his chest. Sweat pooled at the base of his spine and he felt disconnected from his body, like some unknown entity had its hands around his throat and he was battling to breathe. Panic attack, he realized.
He hadn’t had one since standing in that crowded airport in Bangkok, watching Cady walk out of his life. Before that, he’d had a couple and usually handled them by diving into his training or into his books. Anything that was a distraction. As he grew up, they disappeared entirely.
It didn’t escape his attention that Cady seemed to trigger these attacks, that she overwhelmed him, made him feel out of control. He swallowed, fighting his tight throat. He couldn’t do that, couldn’t go back to feeling so off balance. Being in control comforted him, made him feel like he could cope with the world and the demands it made on him. If he kept his life tightly controlled then he’d never feel like he was spinning off into an unknown and terrifying place.
He couldn’t do this... He’d worked too damn hard to find this place where he didn’t feel like fear was constantly nipping at his heels.
Cady terrified him. The attachment he felt to her, and to that half-formed blob on the screen, scared the crap out of him. He was fit, wealthy and successful but this woman had the ability, with one look, word or touch, to cut him off at the knees.
Beck held up his hand, stepped back from the bed and shook his head. He had to get out of here...
Now.
There had only been one woman for him and she was it. But, like ten years ago, he couldn’t take a chance on her, couldn’t allow himself to be happy.
Cady looked from the screen to him and raised her eyebrows. “You’re looking a bit pale. Are you okay?”
“Fine.” Beck pushed the word out through gritted teeth. It was the biggest lie he’d ever uttered. “I just need some air.”
Cady nodded and he saw her face tighten, her eyes dull. “I’m going to be a while, so why don’t you head back to work. I’ll see you back at your apartment.”
Beck started to walk toward the door but then he stopped and looked back at the screen. He couldn’t do it. Beck just stared at his lover, her eyes on the monitor, his mouth half open. Yes, he was scared and yes, he wanted to run, but if he quit this, if he quit them, he’d regret it for the rest of his life. He was terrified, and he felt like his heart was on a rope swing in his chest, but if he walked away from Cady for the second time, he wouldn’t get another chance. Life only handed you a certain amount of opportunities to walk through the door. If you didn’t, the door would eventually be permanently sealed.
Beck was self-aware enough to know what he was doing: he was scared spitless and he was pushing her away. His first instinct when someone got close to him was to run them off but he’d wanted Cady enough that he’d allowed her to come closer than most. She’d sliced right through his emotional armor, and his internal alarm bells were ringing loudly. Habit screamed that he should retreat, that he should return to that place of safety where he needed no one and cared little for much beyond work and the occasional date.
He wasn’t going to do it. He couldn’t do it.
Beck walked back and placed his palms on the bed, staring hard at the screen. He wanted that baby to be his—oh, it was an irritation that the genes it carried weren’t his but he believed in nurture versus nature. A passing on of DNA made a man a father, but time and effort made him a dad. He wanted to be there for Cady, be there for her child who would become his. He’d be there for his family, every step of the way.
He loved the baby’s mother to distraction and he’d love her child as if it were his own. He wanted to take on the responsibility, and joy, of loving her and her child, and he wanted to be loved in return.
Maybe he didn’t deserve love and a family. Maybe it was wrong for him to be happy. But he wasn’t going to let those thoughts stop him from grabbing this chance to be with Cady. He wasn’t going to miss out on another chance to have a family with her. Because they were meant to be together.
Whether he deserved it or not.
“Beck.”
He jerked his head up and looked at Cady. Her face held no expression and he could see that she was biting the inside of her lip, a sure sign that she was nervous or worried. He reached out for her hand and when she jerked it away to avoid the contact, he frowned. What was that about?
“Go now, Beck,” Cady said. Her voice was low but he heard the plea.
“Why?”
Her chest rose and fell and she looked to the monitor, her attention captured by the images there.
“I just need to be alone. Just me and my baby.”
Now she wanted to be alone? What was that about? Beck, feeling hurt, looked at the doctor, who was pretending not to listen to their conversation. “But...”
“Beck, please. Just go.”
Okay, he didn’t understand but he wasn’t about to have a fight and cause a scene. Cady was emotional and stressed and he’d just reached a life-changing decision. Maybe a little time apart would be a good idea. He could get his bouncing heart and careening emotions under control. Later he would tell her how he felt and they could discuss where to go and how to get there. All he was sure of was that if he walked away he’d be leaving everything that made his life joyful behind.
Not happening. Not again.
“We’ll talk later,” Cady told him, her tone resolute.
Beck quietly closed the door behind him. Yeah, they’d talk. But he wouldn’t walk.
* * *
Cady stood in front of the door to Beck’s apartment and waved her hands in front of her face to dry her tears. She blinked rapidly and pressed her fist to her sternum, trying to ease the burn.
Find your courage and open that damn door, Collins!
She knew this day was coming and she’d tried to prepare for it. She’d told herself over and over that she was living a fairy tale, that this was not reality, that she and Beck would end.
But she didn’t expect it to happen in front of her eyes in a small dark room five minutes after looking at the blurry images of her baby.
She’d seen his retreat in his eyes, had read his thoughts as clearly as if he’d spoken his goodbyes. He couldn’t cope with the emotion that was bubbling between them, their fierce attraction. With a baby on the way, she was just too much to cope with. Beck was overwhelmed and he was doing what he did best: distancing himself. She knew what would happen when she walked through this door. He would push her away.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, Cady reminded herself. She wasn’t going to let the past happen to her again. She’d walk away before he could toss her away again.
Still, the little girl inside her, the one so desperate to be loved, wanted him to make the grand gesture, to verbalize the words she most needed to hear.
I love you.
I will always love you.
I will always be at your side.
But Beck valued his freedom and his lone-wolf status more than he valued her, and she couldn’t change that. Neither could she alter the fact that the people she most needed love and support from were the ones who were destined to disappoint her. It was better, easier and safer to walk this road by herself. She had her business and she had her baby. It would be enough. It had to be enough.
Cady felt a touch on her shoulder and then Beck was standing next to her, in front of the door. She’d been so lost in thought she hadn’t heard him walk up to her. Cady str
aightened as he unlocked the door.
“Let’s go inside,” he said.
Cady walked into his apartment and headed straight for the stairs. Words, at this point, were superfluous so she headed for the master bedroom focused on what she needed to do next—pack her clothes that had accumulated over the past week. She remembered a suitcase in Beck’s closet, tucked behind his shoes. She hauled it out and swung it onto the huge bed, where they’d loved and laughed, held each other through the night.
Beck appeared in the doorway to the room, his arms folded across his chest. “What are you doing?” he demanded.
“Packing.”
Cady walked to the closet and grabbed the clothes he’d handed over to his cleaning service to take care of. She tossed them into the suitcase.
“Why?”
“Because this isn’t working. You know it and I know it,” Cady retorted.
“I thought it was,” Beck replied, his words slow.
“Oh, come on, Beck. I know you have doubts about us. You always have! And we agreed that this was temporary.”
Beck pushed an agitated hand through his hair. “It’s natural to have doubts, Cady. It’s a part of being in a relationship.”
“We’re not in a relationship! We’re having a fling and I’m pregnant with another man’s child.”
His jaw tensed. “I consider that baby yours, not his. And, as I’ve said before, I don’t have a problem with you being pregnant.”
Cady snorted her disbelief. “That’s just because you’re getting fabulous sex.”
Cady winced as hurt flashed across Beck’s face. “That’s not fair.”
God, he sounded so calm. How could he stay so calm?
Cady returned to the closet and, fighting tears, picked up another pile of clothing. She threw it into the suitcase and stared down at the jumbled mess. “Please don’t do this, Beck. Please don’t give me hope that this can go anywhere.”
“Maybe it can.”
Cady shook her head. “I saw the doubts on your face before. You were this close.” She held her thumb and forefinger slightly apart. “You were this close to bailing on me. You fought it this time, possibly because we’re still really enjoying each other. But what happens when I’m fat and miserable and you decide that it’s time to run? Will you stay or will you go? What happens when the urge to run becomes stronger than the urge to stay? I can’t do that! I can’t live like that. I can’t—I won’t—be tossed away again.”
Beck walked over and held out his hand to her. Cady looked at it, fought the urge to jump into his arms and backed away. “I loved you once, Beck, with everything I had and you threw me away. It’s not only me now. I have a child on the way. I can’t risk you doing that to him.”
“What can I say or do to get you to stay?”
“Nothing.” She wiped away her tears. “Beck, what you can’t handle, you walk away from.”
“I’m standing here, trying not to!” Beck shouted. “I’m trying, Cady.”
“Until the next time when you can’t. You’re a lone wolf, Beck. You’re comfortable in that space. You’ve been that way since you were a child and that’s your default mode of operation. When we hit a tight spot, you back away. That’s what you did today.”
“Yet I am still here, asking you to stay.”
“Today was supposed to be a happy day, Beck. We saw a new life, it was fantastic and you got scared. What happens when something else rocks us? How will you react then? Can I rely on you to be there? Would we stand together and deal with it or would you go off on your own?”
“We’d stand together.” He said the right words but she couldn’t believe him. If she believed him and she was wrong, she’d pay too big a price.
“You say that but that’s not what you do. You dealt with your parents’ deaths on your own and you kept the secret of your mom being pregnant from your siblings. That’s you staying in your space, dealing with crap on your own.”
Beck blanched and Cady fought the urge to touch him, to say to hell with it and take the chance. But it wasn’t wise and it damn well wasn’t smart. “Somebody very wise once said, ‘There’s nothing worse than being lonely with the person you love.’ I’d rather be lonely on my own, Beck.”
Cady zipped her suitcase, not sure if she had everything but knowing that she needed to leave while she still could. Before Beck talked her into staying.
She lifted the suitcase off the bed and placed it on its wheels.
“What about the campaign, your contract?” Beck asked, his voice and face tight.
“We’re professionals, remember? We can communicate via email.” Cady sighed and rubbed her forehead with her hand. “From a business point of view, we’re in a good place. We never admitted to being engaged, so if we stop seeing each other, the attention will fade without any major repercussions. Sage’s new line is a massive success and the ads are making an impact. After the exhibition and cocktail party, where Sage will reveal even more new designs, I have no doubt you’ll capture that new, young, rich market you’re after. It’s all good, Beck.”
“But you’re still walking.”
“I’m still walking.”
“Don’t go, Cady.”
She looked at him. God, she was going to miss him. “I have to. We have the ability to rip each other apart. I survived that once. I won’t again. The stakes are too high, Beck.”
“If we close this door, it stays closed, Cady.”
Cady forced her feet to walk over to him. She stood on her toes to drop a kiss on his cheek. “I love you, Beck, but my love isn’t enough. I need to know that you’ll stick. But sticking isn’t what you do.”
Eleven
Cady rested her hand on her abdomen as she heard the click of her mother’s low heels on the wooden floor on the other side of her door. This wasn’t going to be a pleasant conversation but she was tired of lying—to herself and to her parents. Last night, with Beck, was the first time in years that she’d been completely authentic with the people she loved.
He’d just stared at her, shocked, and let her leave. Underneath all the sadness, in the odd spaces that weren’t totally devastated, she felt...cleaner. There was a freedom in truth, in being honest, in dealing with what was, not what you wanted it to be.
The front door opened and Cady caught her mother’s surprise before her how-nice-to-see-you expression crossed her face. Edna leaned forward so that Cady could drop the briefest kiss on her cheek and stepped back into the house. “I wasn’t expecting you.”
Cady heard the undertone of “how rude of you not to call” and stepped into her childhood home. She shouldn’t need to call, shouldn’t have to give her parents advance warning of her visit. Her child would be raised knowing that there was a key to their house under the mat, that there was food in the fridge, a warm bed in the spare room. Her home would always be her child’s home, his refuge, his soft place to fall.
“Your father is in his study. Let me call him,” Edna said, her fingers playing with her fake-pearl necklace. It was late afternoon but her mom’s makeup was perfect, her white blouse spotless.
She was so concerned with looking the part, she never lived.
“Why don’t we take this chat to Dad’s study, Mom?” Cady suggested, dropping her leather bag on the hall table. She smiled when her mom picked her bag up and hung it over a hook behind the door.
Edna waved at the formal room just off the hallway. “But we always meet our guests here.”
“But I’m not a guest, Mom, I’m your daughter,” Cady stated as she walked down the hall toward her father’s study. At the door, she hesitated, thinking that she could count the times on one hand that she’d entered this hallowed sanctum. There was no way that her father and mother had made love on his desk the way she and Beck had in his office the other night. It h
ad been fun and hot and raunchy and exciting...
Beck. Dammit. Tears welled and her stomach knotted and she wanted to sink to the floor. Instead, she hauled in a breath and ordered herself not to think about him. She’d cry later, when she was alone.
She knocked once and turned the handle on the door. “Hey, Dad, I’m invading your man cave!”
Bill Collins looked up at her over the tops of his glasses. He sent Edna a quick look and raised his eyebrows. “Were we expecting you, Cady?” he asked in his formal voice.
Cady walked over to the corner of his desk, moved a couple of books and hopped up onto the desk, her feet dangling. “You see, Dad, that’s part of what I wanted to talk to you about. Why do you need advanced warning? Shouldn’t you be happy to see me?”
Edna exchanged a long look with her husband before walking up to Cady and lightly resting her fingers on Cady’s shoulder. “What’s this about, Cady Rebecca?”
“It’s about your expectations of me.” Cady jumped down from the desk and walked to the bay window, pulling the drape aside to look at her mom’s now barren garden. A light dusting of snow covered the paving stones and the angel statues and the roof of the birdhouse.
“Beck and I broke up,” Cady said, stating the fact without emotion and waited for them to detonate. When her statement was met with silence, she turned around and threw up her hands. “Oh, right, you didn’t know that Beck and I have been seeing each other again.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Bill asked.
“I thought you’d freak,” Cady admitted.
“I’m sorry that it’s over and I’m sorry you didn’t tell us,” Bill said, placing his elbows on his desk, his eyes steady on her face. “I know that you love him very much and that it must hurt.”
“It does.” Cady frowned. “Why do you think I love him?”
“Cady, you always have.” Edna perched on one of the leather chairs and linked her hands. “From the first moment you saw him, I knew he was going to break your heart.”