I’ve never seen her this upset. Well, no. That’s not exactly true. I’ve seen her in various degrees of upset, from sickened to angry, both for situations I’ve gone through and those with her students, but she’s never directed that at me. She’s never been this angry at me before. I feel bad that I caused this, but knowing why, it makes it hurt a whole lot less.
It’s selfish, but I’m not going to deny it. Spending the night with Dillon was worth what’s about to happen now.
Looking up, I catch Dillon’s eyes and they’re soft. The concern and worry I expected to see there, it’s not. All that’s there is the faintest trace of a smile which means he knows it’s worth it too. Having that be the last thing I see, it makes turning my back and doing what my mom wants a whole lot easier.
If Dillon’s not worried, I’m not going to be worried either.
Dillon
Not the first time I’ve dealt with parental disapproval and even knowing how different things are now and the reason for that change, I don’t think it’s going to be my last.
I was awake and aware of every single message she sent me last night while I was holding her daughter. Even when Cadence and I were caught up in each other, I was still aware of the vibration of the phone and how much shit I was going to be in the second I walked through this door.
The thing is, I didn’t care as much as I should have then and I don’t care now. At least not in the way I suppose I should. I’m nineteen years old and she’s not my mother. I respect the hell out of her, but there’s a point where that ends and when it comes to her daughter, the choice is going to be obvious, even when it’s the wrong damn one.
My need to have Cadence close will always win out over whatever else seems right at the time. I’m not right when we’re apart and last night proved that, among a million other things. I can definitely see where that might be a problem for Sarah, but it’s not enough to make me turn away from that need completely.
Like I said before, the change isn’t all the way through, obviously. I’m still an asshole.
“Do you want to tell me what the hell you were thinking keeping my daughter out the entire night when I specifically told you both that I wanted her back no later than eleven?”
I’m smiling and it’s gonna come back and bite me in the ass, but whatever. I wish my mom would have done this shit with me a few years ago. Maybe I wouldn’t have turned out quite so fucked up if she had been there to bring me back down to earth instead of trying to be taken off the earth herself.
“I’m sorry, Ms. T.”
“I find that hard to believe, Dillon. Not when even after I ask the question you’re continuing to smile. I don’t think you feel sorry at all.”
She’s right. I don’t. I’m fucking head over heels for her daughter. I’m not a parent and if I’m lucky, I never will be, but I have to believe this is sort of an expected thing once your kid is a teenager. She had to see this shit coming.
I’m grinning like a god damned Cheshire cat because I had an angel in my arms and my bed for the last eight hours. Nothing is going to take that away from me. I don’t care how mad she gets.
“I know what we did was wrong, but she fell asleep and I didn’t want to wake her.” It’s not exactly total bullshit, but I can easily see that even if it was, she wouldn’t care. She’s definitely pissed. “I ended up falling asleep with her and by the time we woke up, it was like five in the morning.”
“You’re telling me that you woke up at five and it took you two hours to make your way from Kayden’s place to here?”
Come on Murphy, time to sling a little more bullshit.
“No. I’m not gonna lie. We probably could have gotten here sooner, but Cadence didn’t want to wake you.”
This much is true. We did wake up at five, but instead of getting out of bed, we spent over an hour just enjoying the feel of each other, making out for as long as we could, unable to go any further because of my lack of protection. Definitely don’t want to be giving her that kind of information though.
I can handle being yelled at. I don’t want to end up buried six feet under the house.
“I expected better from you—from the both of you.” She admits and I gotta say, this is enough to get to me. I know I screwed up, but hearing her admit I let her down, I hate that part.
The last thing I want to do is break her trust in me completely and have us go back to the way things were last year, no matter how elated I am that I spent the night with Cadence.
“I know you didn’t believe it the first time and I get why, but I mean it. I’m sorry. I didn’t set out to upset or worry you. I just wanted to spend some time alone with your daughter.”
This is the complete truth and I can tell by the way she sighs, but her face softens that even though I was acting like an asshole a few minutes ago, she can see the truth in my eyes now. Hear it in my words. If there’s one thing she does seem to understand, it’s how I feel about Cadence.
“I believe you, but don’t for a second think this excuses what you did. In fact, I think it would be best if you made yourself scarce now. I know how you feel about each other, but I’m not the type of parent to just let things slide. There needs to be a bit of separation here.”
Too late for that. This is something I’m not going to agree with. There’s no way after what we shared I’m walking away from her.
Over my dead body is that happening.
“I understand where you’re coming from, I do. I screwed up. We both did, and you’ve got every right to be mad, but Ms. T, what you’re asking; I can’t do it.”
“Excuse me?”
“You know how I feel about her. I’m not trying to disrespect you here; I swear, but asking me to stay away from her for a while, put space between us, I can’t do it.”
Hasn’t she figured out how much I need her daughter? How much better I am inside and as a person in general whenever I’m within a couple of feet of Cadence? How can she expect me to walk away from that just to prove to her that I’m the same guy she put faith in all those months ago? How can she want me to walk away from her daughter at all?
“I’m aware of how you both feel about each other, but you’re an adult now, so you need to look at this the way an adult would. Staying out all night, going against what I said, and then not even having the decency to call me back when you woke up in the morning? It’s not the way an adult acts.”
Another point I can’t deny. If I had stuck to my guns when she asked me earlier in the night how long we had the room for, none of this would be happening now. For a split second in time I wanted to do the right thing; the adult thing, but again, my feelings and need for Cadence overrode all of it.
I’ve got nothing I can say here to defend myself, other than complete agreement.
“You’re right, it’s not and it won’t happen again. Punish her, punish me if you have to, but please don’t make it be by tearing us apart.”
I don’t want to do it, but I can feel the emotion rising inside me, threatening to break to the surface. It’s not a selfish need that has me practically begging her to not take Caddy away from me. It’s the worry that if she does, I’m going to end up completely alone.
Something I just can’t be. As long as I have her, I have everything I need. Take that away and what do I really have left? A jailed father and an incoherent mother.
So basically nothing and it’s that point I make as I finally let it all flow through.
“Cadence is the only good thing I have left.”
Cadence
When my mom finally comes into the kitchen, I’m ready for her.
There’s a pad and pen sitting in the middle of the table, the reason for it being I know what she’s going to have to say is going to be long and winded and it would just be a lot easier on the both of us if we didn’t waste our breath when we can just as easily write and read.
I might have also done it because the disapproval in her eyes is going to be more than enough for me. I don�
��t need her speaking the words, seeing them and imagining the way she sounds added to it.
Do you want to explain to me what you were thinking pulling a stunt like that? I expect that kind of behavior from Dillon, he hasn’t had anyone care about his well-being in a very long time, but you? What possessed you to do something so reckless?
She can’t be serious right now. Has she met Dillon? Does she remember being a teenage girl at all? What kind of question is that? I think it’s pretty obvious what I was thinking.
Whenever we’re together, there’s always other people around. We wanted time to ourselves. Is that so wrong?
Yes it is. You could have easily had time alone and still made it home by curfew. There’s more going on here and since he wouldn’t tell me what that is, I’m hoping that you will.
What do you think happened, Mom?
I think that a lot more happened than just the two of you falling asleep and not paying attention to the time, which is the story your loving boyfriend tried to get past me.
She knows everything. The look in her eyes tells me she does, but I’m still not going to admit it. What happened between me and Dillon, I want to keep it mine, no matter how close I am to her.
You’re not even going to deny it?
So much for keeping it mine. I can’t do this. I won’t lie to her. What I did last night, that’s one thing, but to sit here and lie to her face? No way. Even if I did try, with as well as she knows me she would see right through it.
Shaking my head, her gaze lowers to the table and after what feels like forever, she finally looks up and the anger and total disappointment in her eyes is gone, replaced with something else.
Concern.
“Please tell me that you were at least smart enough to use protection?”
Cue the awkward conversations you never dream about having with your mom. I may have had the talk when I was a kid, but it’s just as awkward now as it was then. I definitely don’t wanna be doing this right now.
“We did.”
“Cadence…”
I want her to go back to the paper. Write whatever she’s about to say next down because I don’t think I can handle her saying it. I can’t listen to her tell me how stupid it was sleeping with Dillon or how wrong it was. Nothing about what happened between us felt wrong and I won’t have anyone, especially my mom tainting it.
“Mom, I’m seventeen.”
“If I had my way, you wouldn’t be with a boy until you were forty.”
“That’s a little over the top don’t you think?”
“Come back and tell me that when you’re a mother and your teenage daughter wants to have sex.”
“He loves me.”
“I know.”
There’s something in the way those two words are drawn out that makes me think she barely said them. She whispered them, but it also makes me feel a heck of a lot better knowing that of all the things she could have said, she agreed with me about Dillon and his feelings.
It means he just doesn’t love me when we’re alone together. He loves me every minute we’re around anyone else too.
“You’re still my little girl, Cadence. I don’t care if you’re seventeen or fifty. As long as I’m here and my heart keeps beating, you’re always going to be my baby. I only have your best interests at heart.”
There’s more she’s not saying and I just want her to spit it out. I know she has my best interests at heart. As far as mom’s go, she’s the best, and I’m pretty lucky to have her, but my focus isn’t on what she did tell me, it’s on what she didn’t. What does she think is in my best interests right now?
“I can’t change what happened between you and Dillon, but I can put my foot down about the way you chose to deal with it. We’ve only ever had complete honesty between us and if this is going to work while you’re still under this roof, it needs to stay that way. You can’t do what you did last night again.”
“I won’t.”
“Somehow I doubt that.” She laughs and even though I’m happy to see her smile and the movement in her body that goes along with the laugh, it’s confusing. “I used to be a teenage girl and I know the lengths one will go to when it comes to a boy they care about. I don’t agree with it, but I do understand it. I only ask that in the future, you’re honest with me.”
As hard as it is having this conversation with her, this is definitely something I can agree to. I can’t say it will ever be easy talking to her about what happens between me and Dillon, but I can do things differently in terms of the so-called stunt she says I pulled last night.
I owe her that much.
“I will be.”
“Go on. Get ready for school. I’m leaving in ten minutes and you’re going to be in the car with me. I also think it would be a good idea if for tonight, we spent the night alone, no boys allowed.”
I wondered when I was going to get to the part where she told me what her best interests are and she didn’t disappoint, but after the night I had with Dillon, having one night away from him, I can handle it. Besides, it’s been awhile since it’s just been me and my mom and I think with the way things have been going since Dillon got back, I’m due.
“Okay, just this time, can we please watch a movie that has nothing to do with Adam Sandler?”
Chapter Nine
Dillon
Time moves on, night turns to day, repeating over and over and before I know it a week has passed. One full week of reliving our night together, but with subtle differences.
Changing the way we removed each other’s clothes. Standing behind her, my breath tickling her neck as she inhales sharply, her body responding to my touch as I slide my fingers through the straps on her dress, slipping them down one by one over her shoulders until she’s bare, open and on display for me.
Reliving the way just one look from her flips a switch and my brain and my body reacts, aching to be inside of her again.
I’ve been so damn caught up in these visions, wanting to video call her and set up another date night just so we can have it again that it’s affecting my game and everyone around me is noticing it.
It’s not just my teammates and the coach feeling the change in me though, it’s my body too.
Plays that I’ve run through a million times before, even in high octane situations like the middle of a game, I’m completely sucking at now. My speed is lessened, my mind isn’t where it needs to be and the defensive line is making me pay for my lack of direction.
The pain in my knee, the one that’s been there annoying me for over a week, it’s back again now, worse than ever. Where I should be calling a time out on this practice, letting Coach know that there’s something seriously messed up about my knee, I’m silent as fuck because I just wanna get through it and get out of here.
My love for this game, the adrenaline rush I get just from entering the locker room, it’s dulled and it’s all because of the night I spent with Cadence.
This fucking blows.
If I don’t get my head screwed on straight soon, some of the guys on the team are going to go out of their way to take my leg clean off, just so they can make a point. With me out, there’s no doubt Coach will ignore the backup QBs and he’ll go straight for Kane and with the way I`ve seen him work on the field, I can’t let that happen.
He’s the one capable of filling my shoes, but injury or not, head out of the game or not, I’m gonna have to be dead before I let him take my spot.
“Man, I wasn’t gonna say anything, but you look like you got run over by a Semi.”
Ryder Kane, my teammate, adversary, and the one person who can take everything I’ve worked so hard for away from me. He’s more than that though. After spending the last week on the field together, him pulling my head back out of the clouds and slamming it back on the field where it belongs, he’s also become a friend.
“I feel like it. These plays Coach has us running, they’re designed to have me flat on my back.”
“With the way you k
eep ending up, I’m starting to think you like that position.”
“Only with my girlfriend.” I answer, my face and attitude smug, which with what he says next, is completely blown to shit.
“If you don’t get your head in the game, they’re gonna stop laying you out flat. They’re gonna fucking take you from behind.”
It’s been happening a lot like this over the last week. Whenever he makes a comment that comes out sounding remotely homosexual, his eyes get cloudy and the smirk I’m so used to him wearing fades completely away. The last time it happened I was gonna bring it up, but with how touchy he can be about his personal shit, I kept my nose out of it.
The more it happens, though, the harder it is to deny.
There’s definitely something going on with the running back and when we get off this field and away from the prying eyes of the other assholes around us, I’m determined to find out just what that is.
“I’m starting to think that’s exactly what Davidson wants.”
Ryder laughs but it doesn’t go all the way through. He’s definitely touchy, which just makes me want to probe and find out more. Call it hanging around with Kayden and the girls so much, but I’ve turned into a pretty nosy fucker over the last few months.
When there’s something even remotely off, I’ll bug until I get the answer.
Switching gears, he points to my knee before leveling me with the same look Cadence had when she saw me limping after practice.
“You gonna brace that?”
“Nah, it’s not that bad. I fucking pulled something, it’ll pass.”
“When did you pull it?”
There’s two ways I can go here. I can blow smoke out my ass and tell him that it just happened today, or I can tell him the truth. Ryder still being so new, I’m leaning more towards lying because I don’t know what his real motivation is for hanging around me as much as he does, but the other part of me wins out because I get the feeling he’s gonna see right through it.
Here & Now Page 10