This is definitely one favor I can deliver on, and a promise I can keep. Nothing else may be clear and everything in our future might be up in the air, but the one thing that isn’t is how I feel and have always felt about Caddy. Now that I’ve been making all of these changes, getting clean and straightening out my shit, the last thing I’ll ever do is hurt her again.
“You got a deal.”
Cadence
No road worth taking is ever one hundred percent smooth. There are cracks, bumps and potholes along the way, and you can do your best to swerve in order to avoid them or deal with the shocks and keep going, letting nothing stop you from reaching your destination.
The point is, no matter what decision you make, you can never avoid them completely. It wouldn’t be a road worth taking if you could.
When I think about my relationship with Dillon, it’s a lot like that.
The way we met, it was like we were stuck in a ditch, but we just kept the tires spinning until we were free and back on the road. No matter how hard it got and how easy it would be to just give in completely and take a short cut, we never stopped, even when we hit the next bump in the road.
It’s the amount of things we faced and how we never lost sight of the road we were on when we were drenched in darkness that makes it that much more rewarding.
We’ve come so far as a couple and on our own in the last six months that it’s hard to believe that not all that long ago, things looked so bleak. Even now, surrounded by the sound of the water moving and the ducks conversing to one another as they glide along with it, the sun blaring down and warming me, I can’t believe how far I’ve come and how much has changed.
Being here, in the place where Dillon likes to say it all began for us, it’s not a random occurrence. I didn’t come here because it’s peaceful and I enjoy the way the world sounds from this spot more than any other, though, I’m sure those play a little bit of a part in it. I’m here because if this is where it all began, it’s only fitting that it be where it changes too.
Change can be frightening. When you become so accustomed to your life being a certain way, having something come along and shake it up; it can completely throw you off, but where I should feel scared about this change, I’m not because I know that it won’t change what’s already been written. What I know to be true. We’re just expanding to our story.
“It should be against the law for a woman like you to be in a place like this all alone.”
Turning at the sound of his voice, a frequency I’ve come to refer to as the DF—Dillon Frequency—I smile and as he catches it, he slides his body down onto the grass beside me, immediately taking my hand in his and letting his eyes fall to the same place mine had just been. On the water.
“Who says I’m here alone?”
His brow raises in mock surprise as he tries his hardest to keep his lips straight and serious.
“Whose ass do I need to kick?”
“That would be your own, Rocky.”
“You know, if I could have figured out how to get my foot around to kick my own ass years ago, I would have saved a lot of people, a lot of trouble.”
As I start to laugh, he leans his face in and sighs before kissing me.
“I missed that.”
“And what would that be?”
“Your laugh, but I might have missed your lips too since they weren’t in bed when I woke up this morning.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I had the morning off and you had school. But if you really want to make it up to me, you can tell me why you wanted me to meet you here.”
The next words I say have to be chosen wisely because they’re probably the most important ones I’m ever going to say to him. They’re also going to make what we’ve been building for the past year and a half, change. It’s going to be something that catapults us from just two young people hopelessly in love to something even bigger.
He’s barely twenty and I’m not even eighteen and in nine months, we’re going to become parents. Mom and Dad. Expanding not only our hearts to include another but expanding a home too.
“Do you remember the issues I was having a few months ago with the pills I was taking?”
“Yeah, but I thought you got that all worked out. You said these new ones didn’t have any of the other side effects the others had and you felt better about them. Are you saying that you’re having issues again?”
The pills I’m referring to, they’re birth control. After Dillon and I started sleeping together, my mom took me in to see her doctor and I’d been set up with a prescription.
What I didn’t expect was the way they would change me. I started putting on weight, having months where nothing would happen at all, which scared the hell out of me, and they even caused me to have issues with eating for a while. If I wasn’t hungry every other second, it seemed like I wasn’t hungry at all and it eventually started wearing me down.
Changing to a different pill, it made a world of difference and I was happy, at least I was until this happened and I finally went out and bought a test.
“Caddy? Is everything okay? You look like you’re about to be sick.”
He has no idea. I do feel like I’m going to be sick, but not for the reasons he thinks. So much for not being scared about this. If I keep doing this, it won’t be long before I make myself fall apart.
“Do you remember the waiting period the doctor talked to us about?”
“Yeah, it was the worst couple of weeks of my life.” He says with a laugh. “Why?”
“Dill...”
“Just tell me, Caddy. Whatever it is, it’s not worth seeing you look the way you do right now. What’s going on?”
“I’m pregnant.”
A few minutes pass with no sound, unless you count the pounding of my heart, and all of that talk about this change not being scary completely falls away until all I am is filled with fear. We did everything the way we were supposed to, not sleeping together at all and when we did, making sure we had condoms and yet we’re still here, in a situation that I’m sure neither one of us is prepared for.
How did I ever think he’d be okay with this? Am I even sure I’m okay with this?
My mom was right when she said that I was still a kid. I’m not even eighteen and I know for a fact that I’m not in any way ready to raise a child, but I can’t imagine giving it away or getting rid of it. I don’t have it in me. I know it’s going to be a lot of work and that I’ll probably have to change the way I saw everything working in the future, but I’m determined to see it through. Any time I try and imagine it any other way, the picture never stays in focus.
“Okay, umm,” he says, his voice shaky from the shock. “Does your mom know?”
“Yes. I told her after I took the test. I couldn’t hide something like that from her.”
Dillon nods in understanding, taking in what I’ve said, but still not displaying in any way how it makes him feel, which just makes me even more scared.
“What do you want to do?”
“I want to have it.”
“That’s not what I meant.” He says and with the speed at which my head lifts, there’s no hiding my surprise. “Not the answer you were expecting, huh?”
“No. I’m not exactly sure what I’m expecting, I just didn’t want to wait any longer to tell you.” I admit and he just nods again, his lips curving up slowly into a smile that in the moment feels like the last thing he should be doing.
I was telling him the truth when I said that I didn’t know what to expect, but knowing how huge this is, if he is freaked out, it would be more welcomed by me than this. I really need to know what he’s thinking.
“What did you mean?”
“If you told me you didn’t want to keep it; that you wanted to have an abortion or even give the baby up for adoption, I would have gone along with you, but asking what you wanted, I was going on the assumption that you would be keeping it.” He pause
s before looking down between us to our hands, still locked securely together, smiling again and looking back to me.
“I still don’t understand what you were getting at.”
“I’m gonna try asking it a different way, I think. Cadence,” he says as he moves himself in close again until our faces are inches apart. “Will you move in with me?”
This is definitely not going the way I expected it to. He’s not mad, sad or indifferent. He’s also not scared or completely mind blown. If anything, with the smile playing on his lips as he waits for me to respond, it’s almost like he’s happy.
“Why aren’t you more upset about this?”
“Before I answer that, can you answer something for me?”
“Anything.”
“How are you dealing with this? Are you okay or upset or anything?”
“No, but I’ve had a couple of days to come to terms with it. I’ve talked it out with my mom and told her what I want to do and she’s understanding, even if she’s not happy. It was scary at first, but I’m okay now. It’s not like I can go back in time and change it, so it’s something I’m going to deal with as best I can. What I don’t get is how you don’t seem bothered by this at all.”
“Okay, well first; we knew sleeping together was a risk when you were changing pills, and even though we took every precaution to prevent it, life seems to have other plans. I’m surprised, but not upset. Second; we’re going to deal with it as best we can, okay? Because we’re in this together. A team. We’re never going to have to go through anything alone again. Your words, remember?”
“You’re not mad at me?”
“No! Why would I be?”
“I know this isn’t what you planned. I mean you’re settling into your job as assistant coach, taking all of these classes so you can be a trainer and here I am dumping this in your lap.”
“You’re not dumping anything in my lap, Caddy. So this wasn’t a part of the plans we made. Plans can change. We can still do everything we want to do, it just might take us a little longer to get there.”
“When did you become so smart?”
“The day you slapped sense into me for a second time.”
“You’re really okay with this? I ask, my voice wavering and it coming out more like a whisper then I intended.
“Yes. Are you sure that you are? This isn’t just about me. You’re a big part of this too. It’s not just my life that’s going to change. You have goals, and if this is too much for you and we need to look into other ways of handling this, I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever you need me to.”
Dillon has never sounded so level-headed, so sure about anything as he does right now and I’m torn between pinching myself because I have a feeling this might be a dream, and leaning over and kissing him for being exactly what I need him to be right now.
My Rocky.
No. That’s not right.
He’s being my rock period. Even better than the movies.
This is what I wanted when he showed up today, but that I thought with everything he’s gone through with his own parents, I would never get. It was one of those unattainable dreams, but as he’s proving to me now in a moment where my emotions are flooding over, even the most unattainable dream can come true.
“I just need you to be what you’ve always been, Dillon.”
“And that is?”
“Yourself. Just always be yourself.”
“Well, even though I’ve said this already today, you got yourself a deal. Now will you do something for me?”
“Sure.”
“Move in with me. Stand up right now, take my hand, walk to my car and come home with me.”
“Okay, I’ll do it, but I think we need to talk to my mom first.”
He winks at me before lifting himself off the grass and holding his hand out to help me up, all the while staying completely silent. “Already taken care of. So, Taylor, are you ready to move in to your new home?”
“I’m ready, Murphy. Take me home.”
Dillon
Pregnant.
That word should scare the living hell out of me, but it doesn’t. Taking the job that Coach offered me after I came home from the hospital, putting my all into my classes and taking the ones that would bring me to the end Isaac predicted for me, wanting to live with my girlfriend, it was all leading me here.
Every damn step I’ve taken has led me here and even though shit got darker than I ever imagined it getting after we got together last year, if we hadn’t gone through it, I don’t think either of us would be standing here now.
I’m going to be a father.
There was a time not that long ago that the idea of that was laughable. A joke. With the way I was raised and the role model I had to look up to, the last thing in the world I would ever do to a kid was make them suffer through having me as their dad. That all changed the day I met Cadence.
Wanting to be a better person and then taking all of these steps, making choices and doing things differently, it changed my whole perception. I still managed to screw up along the way and I probably will again with my track record, but she gave me hope. Something to believe in. The desire to want to be someone better.
It’s all of those things I want to focus on as we start this new chapter in our story. It might not have been the ending I saw for us that night in the hospital six months ago, but in a way, this ending is a lot better because it’s going to give me the one thing I’ve craved since I was eight years old but could never seem to obtain no matter how hard I wished for it.
A family.
“Can I take the blindfold off now?”
Unlocking the door and guiding her through, I make sure it shuts behind us and slip the bandana I had covering her eyes off watching as she takes everything in.
“What is all of this?” She asks as she turns, a look of confusion mixed with shock all over her face.
“Welcome home, Caddy.”
Lining the floor are petals. Tons of them, creating a line that goes from our spot in the doorway to my bedroom and another line leading into the living room.
When Ryder came home earlier, he’d seen it, considering how hard it is not to notice, but he hadn’t said a word, obviously realizing at the time what I was up to and just going along for the ride, but now, having her here and seeing it, I’ve got my payoff.
There was no guarantee that she was going to say yes, but when it comes to Cadence, I’m all in, so putting all of this together, whether she said yes or not, had to happen. I wanted the next time she walked into this apartment to be the one that mattered most because it’s the moment that this random apartment in the middle of a town I used to hate, actually became a home.
Our home for our family.
“It’s beautiful and it smells amazing!”
Even though she can hear now, her other senses are still heightened, which was another reason I knew I had to do this. I didn’t want this to be something she could just see. I wanted it to be something she could experience in every single way.
“I know it doesn’t look like much right now, but with the two of us working together, I want to make what you’re seeing right now be what you have every day. What we have every day.” I finish, sliding my arms through hers and bringing them to rest on her abdomen.
“It’s perfect the way it is.”
“No, it’s not. There’s cracks and holes and a bunch of other problems, but I swear to you, I’ll make it perfect.”
“It’s those things that make it perfect already, Dillon.” She whispers as she leans back into my arms, tilting her head just slightly so her lips lightly graze the side of my neck.
“Why do I get the feeling we’re not talking about the apartment anymore?”
“Maybe because we never were.”
It’s true. Cadence from the very first day I met her, saw past the not so great looking parts to the rubble buried underneath, somehow working her magic and putting what was broken back together. The way I was talking about t
he apartment, it’s the same thing. As long as we’re doing this together, even the biggest hole can be patched. The same way she patched the hole that was in my heart.
“Come on, there’s something I need to show you.”
“You mean the flower petals all over the house wasn’t everything?”
“Never.” Slipping around and taking her by the hand, I lead her down the hall until we’re standing outside our bedroom. “Open the door.”
What she’s going to see when she walks into the room that has now become ours, and how she reacts, is going to mean everything to me moving forward. I stayed up half the night putting it together, at times wondering if I had lost my mind, but now that we’re here and I know what I do now about how our lives are going to change, I’ve never been more sure that it was the right move.
It’s got an even bigger meaning now.
“Dillon…”
Etched into the wall, after hours of stenciling and more cans of spray paint than I can even count, is the very same sentence that we painted in the ground the night of prom, only this time done right. The way it should have been.
This Is The Start Of Something That Begins And Ends With Love.
“Cadence—” I start, unable to handle the silence anymore as she takes in not only the message on the wall, but the petals that just like outside, line the room and the queen size bed in front of us, but am forced to stop when she turns toward me and places her fingers over my lips.
“Why did you do this?”
“Because I felt like it?”
“Try again, Murphy.”
“I did it because no matter what happens to us from here on out, how often we argue or fight, how stressed we get, I want this one room to be where everything is set right again. Where all we’re surrounded by when we’re here is us. Our story. Beginning and end.”
“And love.” She whispers as I pull her into me, wrapping my arms completely around her and allowing myself to drown in the rightness of the moment, how truly perfect being here right now with her is.
“It wouldn’t be our story without it, but there’s still one more thing that needs to happen before we can start our new life.”
Here & Now Page 30