by Kit Tunstall
If only she could convince her damned hormones that nothing was happening and wouldn’t ever again, at least not with Tiernan. It was getting incredibly frustrating to have him so near, but not able to reach out and touch. Oh, she knew he would readily accept any overtures she made, but that was tantamount to giving in. She couldn’t do that.
Not that she was certain why at this point. Was she still so hurt and angry that she couldn’t believe he was contrite? Was it just too unbelievable to imagine he truly meant it each time he said, “I love you,” which occurred with a frequency that alarmed her equilibrium? Was she still punishing him to get back at him for the way he’d let her down by believing the allegations of betrayal? Was she absolutely certain she could never love or trust him again, and that no future was possible? Or was it to torture him? She didn’t like to contemplate that she could be so vindictive, but there was an element of truth in it.
She sighed as she looked for clothes that would be comfortable for her burgeoning belly. At sixteen weeks, she was getting a nice bump, but it made a lot of her clothes fall in the not-quite-fits range. Her regular clothes were too tight, and the maternity clothes were still too big.
Taking a moment, she cataloged the contents of the closet. All her beautiful dresses and sexy lingerie remained where they had hung before her incarceration in the cupola. Tiernan had asked her to be his hostess at several functions, but she had always declined. It sent the wrong message to be at his side when they weren’t really a couple. Didn’t it? Or was it another childish way to hurt him?
As she flicked through the loose dresses in the maternity wardrobe he had presented her with two weeks ago, her eyes fell on the jewelry box. Tugging randomly, she removed a green silk dress that floated around her body and slipped it on as she gave in to the compulsion drawing her to the small wooden container.
She opened the lid to stare at the pink sapphire pendant, where it rested in a place of honor on the velvet tray. Hesitantly, she reached out to touch it, wavering a millimeter way, as though the metal was hot. Why was she so reluctant to pick it up? Recalling how heartbroken she’d been to discover he’d withheld it when transferring her modest possessions to the cupola cell, she brushed her finger against it. The necklace did seem to radiate warmth, though she knew that was simply her imagination.
In one quick motion, she snatched it up, holding the pendant tightly in her hands. For a moment, she had a strong compulsion to break it and present it to Tiernan as proof that there was nothing left between them. Even as she considered that, her heart cried out in protest, and she gentled her grip, stroking her thumb over the gem instead. Holding the necklace, she had to admit maybe things weren’t as hopeless as they had seemed.
Sitting down in the closet, she forced herself to examine the overtures Tiernan had made to heal the breach in their relationship. Other than what he’d done for Cam, Susan, and her family, he had made a multitude of little gestures as well. There had been small gifts, including a basket of Satsuma oranges that must have been difficult to acquire. She squirmed with shame, remembering how she had left them to rot in the basket, until they were soft and spotted. A maid had whisked them away, hopefully to someone with more appreciation.
There had been the night he’d brought her a bedraggled little puppy. “His mother was run over by a wagon, but one of the soldiers rescued the puppies. This little guy is the only one not spoken for.”
She had turned away from the puppy, unable to see its—and his—pleading eyes and remain unmoved. “I’m allergic to dogs,” she had said in a cold voice and left the room, fully aware he would remember the dogs at her parents’ house. When she returned later, the puppy had disappeared, and she hadn’t asked where it had gone.
Madison put her head in her hands as she recalled the gruff way she had rebuffed his offers to rub her back when she had mentioned it was starting to bother her. A sound almost like a sob escaped her as she thought about the few times he had tried to reach out and touch her belly. She had always withdrawn, not able to stand the thought of his hands on her in such an intimate way—because she had known the tenderness in his expression would also be in his touch, and how could she remain immune to that?
She had deliberately and ruthlessly ignored the eagerness in his eyes as he examined her changing body. Madison had denied him any information about the progress of the pregnancy and had refused even a simple stroke to let him feel the changes for himself. All because she had known it would threaten her emotional wall, and she hadn’t been ready to let it tumble. He hadn’t paid enough yet for what he’d done. God, she had been so petty.
He had hurt her, but she had spent the past five weeks doing the same, in spades. Were they even yet in her childish little war? Would she continue to ignore his silent cries for mercy, or was she ready to yield? Could there still be a future with Tiernan, or had they both done too much to each other to fumble through and find their way out the other side?
She didn’t know, and that, along with crippling guilt, brought tears to her eyes. Stroking the necklace, she sat in the closet for a long time, crying and questioning herself, him, and their future.
*****
Tiernan looked up as he reached for his wine, catching Madison’s gaze on him for the third time during the meal. Considering she normally did her best to avoid looking at him and generally refused to speak to him, his heart leapt at the faint hope it was progress. “How was your day?” he asked, expecting nothing more than a monosyllable.
She sipped water before giving him the tiniest of smiles. “It was fine. I was horribly lazy and spent the day reading.”
His heart skipped a beat as he considered that might be the most conversation she’d parted with for days. “That sounds like a sensible way to spend your day. You and the baby need your rest.”
Madison grimaced. “I’m rested out.” She touched the tip of her tongue to her lips, as though nervous. “Would you please let me return to the clinic, even for just a few hours every week?”
Disappointment welled as he came to the conclusion she had been pleasant because she wanted something. Frowning, he said, “I’m concerned you might overdo it.”
Madison cocked her head. “Can you imagine Susan letting me do much of anything? I’ll probably be lucky to update charts or handle intakes.”
That was true. He knew from conversations with the other woman that she remained concerned about Madison, despite her progress and return to good health. In fact, it might be ideal, having her under the watchful eye of the healer for a few hours per week. “All right, on a couple of conditions.”
She nodded, looking like she was bracing herself for something terrible. “Of course.”
“You must take Vinny and Figg, along with the car, and please limit it to only a few hours each day. Are those terms agreeable?”
Madison inclined her head, looking surprised. “Yes, that’s very reasonable.”
Tiernan shot her a sour look. “I’m not always a tyrant.”
Her lips twitched. “Of course not.” She returned to her meal, surprising him by asking about his day. Since he’d capitulated to her request, he’d expected her to return to her usual silence. He replied with small talk, sure she didn’t really want to hear the excruciatingly boring details of his day.
“Have you found more rebel cells?”
Tiernan nodded, reluctant to discuss the details. “A couple. Things ended badly.”
She frowned. “How so?”
“Lots of death on both sides.” His appetite suddenly deserted him, and he pushed away the last of his dinner. As he got to his feet, she did the same, wincing. In a flash, he was by her side. “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is it the baby?”
She smiled that gentle smile, the one that never failed to twist his innards into knots. “No, it’s just my back. It hurts.”
Fully expecting rejection, he made the same offer he’d extended several times before. “I could rub it for you.”
After the briefest hesit
ations, as though she was deciding something more important than if she would let him give her a massage, her smile widened a bit. “Thank you. That would be nice.”
He tried not to let his mouth hang open in shock. With a brisk nod, he took her arm carefully, still afraid she would jerk it away and flee like a scared rabbit. When she didn’t, he led her to the bed. “Why don’t you get comfortable while I find some oil?” At her nod, he left her to go to the bathroom. He stood for a moment in front of the mirror, counseling himself not to read too much into the subtle signs that she was perhaps letting go of some of her anger and sense of betrayal.
His heart still raced with excitement when he scooped up the oil and returned to the bedroom in just a few steps that bordered on running. Tiernan almost skidded to a halt when he saw her lying on the bed, facedown. She had discarded her dress over the foot of the bed and tucked the sheet over her bottom and legs, leaving her upper back bare.
His cock twitched, and he had to take a moment to regain control, which was tenuous, as he walked over to the bed after rolling up his sleeves. It was damned ridiculous to have the raging hormones of a teenage boy over the sight of her creamy back laid bare before him, but he was about two seconds from losing it. Touching her was going to be both delicious and torturous.
Striving to keep it as impersonal as possible, Tiernan poured some oil in his hands and rubbed them together to warm it. “Where does it hurt?” Yes, businesslike would put her at ease. He should confine his strokes just to the area bothering her. No reveling in her skin or the gift of finally being allowed to touch it again, no matter how minutely.
She turned her head slightly on the pillow, so he could hear her. “Mostly in the lower part, but it’s sore everywhere.”
Oh, his mind could conjure so many images to fit “everywhere.” He stifled a groan as he fantasized about spreading the oil over her back, down her legs, and back up to the apex of her thighs. “Okay.” His voice sounded scratchy.
Still trying to be as aloof as possible, Tiernan sat on the bed beside her, straining awkwardly to reach her back. The first feel of her skin was heaven, and warmth suffused him. Not just the heat of arousal, but genuine tenderness at the close physical contact that she wasn’t immediately jumping away from upon realizing he was touching her. He’d gotten so desperate that he’d started waking up at least an hour earlier than her just so he could hold her against his body, in his arms, as she slept. That was the only time she wasn’t rejecting him.
Besides now. Trampling his rampant hope with the reminder that a massage didn’t mean anything, especially for a pregnant woman in pain, did nothing to dampen his desire. God, he wanted her. It had been so long. Never in his adult life had he gone so long without sex, but that wasn’t the desperation driving him. It was as basic as needing the closeness with her, of having missed having a connection that went beyond physical.
He watched his hands move over her back, applying what he hoped was the right amount of pressure, and carefully monitored them to ensure they didn’t veer off course, to dip under the sheet to seek out her buttocks, or down her sides to cup her breasts. It was the hardest thing he could recall doing in recent times.
Suddenly, she yelped, and he froze. “Did I hurt you?”
Madison shook her head, turning over in her excitement. “I felt the baby move.” She seemed unaware that the sheet had puddled around her lap, leaving her breasts exposed, but he was very aware.
Until she took his hand to press low on her belly. “There.” With excitement shining in her eyes, she asked, “Do you feel that?”
He started to say no, his mind still on taboo thoughts and the pleasure/pain of seeing her naked body without the privilege of touching. Before he could speak, a tiny little tap against his hand had him pressing a little harder and repositioning his palm more over the center of the movement. Meeting her gaze, he gave her a huge grin. “I can feel it.”
They sat there for a couple of minutes as he waited for the baby to move once more. Eventually, he had to accept he probably wouldn’t feel him or her again tonight. Praying that she would allow him to feel her stomach again, he reluctantly moved his hand. “I think she’s gone back to sleep.”
“Or he.” She smiled. “I’m sure we’ll find this commonplace soon enough.”
Tiernan shook his head. “I can’t imagine ever finding this miracle ordinary.”
Madison nodded, shifting a bit. Suddenly her cheeks took on a rosy hint of color as she looked down. Her hand trembled as she reached for the sheet. As she started to draw it over her skin, he acted on instinct, reaching out to put his hand on hers. “Don’t. Please.”
She regarded him with curiosity and perhaps a touch of desire. “Why?”
“I want to touch you so much, Madison.” His hand on hers trembled a bit, and he had to ball his other one into a fist on his leg to keep from reaching out to caress one of her firm pink nipples. Pregnancy had darkened her areolas and nipples, and they reminded him of plump raspberries. His mouth watered with longing. “I’ve missed you.”
“Yes.”
It was slightly ambiguous. Her assent could have referred to her agreement that she had missed him too, but he hoped it was also permission to touch her. She didn’t move as he shifted slightly, leaning forward to brush his lips against her neck. With a soft sigh, she dropped her head back, allowing him more room to nuzzle her.
She was honeyed sweetness on his tongue when he licked her skin lightly, moving up the column of her throat and over her chin to her mouth. Madison parted her lips against his, allowing his tongue to dip inside without protest. He groaned and moved closer to her when she sucked lightly on the appendage. One of her hands clutched his shoulder, and the other rested on his thigh.
As he deepened the kiss, feeling like an addict too long denied a hit, Tiernan put one hand on her back and brought the other one up her body. He cradled her breast in his oiled hand. She made a sound that was somewhere between a cry and a moan as he carefully massaged the swollen globe, taking his time to trace around the hardened nipple as she writhed against him.
When he could bear to tear his mouth from hers, to lose the taste of her, he scooted back and down a bit as she thrust her chest forward. Her other nipple tempted him, and he swirled his tongue around the plump bud, grinning against her breast when she arched her back and buried a hand in his hair to drag him closer. Though he wanted to devour and ravish her breasts, to make up for weeks of deprivation, he forced himself to go slowly, with gentle kisses, tiny licks, and the softest suction he could manage. Pregnant women had more sensitive breasts, right? He couldn’t remember for certain, but refused to do anything to risk hurting her. There had been too much pain between them already.
With a long sigh, she held on to him as she lay back. Tiernan moved with her, straddling her thighs as he leaned forward to kiss her other breast with the same gentle attention he’d paid the first. She wrapped a leg around his buttocks, bringing his lower body into closer contact with her own. As he gripped her hips, he discovered she wore no underwear. A glimmer of understanding came to him, and he began to speculate that she had planned to seduce him tonight.
It was working, and he would happily surrender. Tiernan moved his mouth down her body, pausing at the gentle swelling of her belly. He laid his cheek against it, bringing his hands up on either side of his face, gently kneading the surprisingly firm flesh. “Do you know how happy I am about this baby?” he asked, looking up her body to see her head propped on a pillow, watching him.
A hesitant smile flickered across her face. “Are you sure? I know you weren’t ready, and I’m not the companion you would have chosen for the mother.”
“I’m positive.” He kissed her tummy softly before rubbing his chin against her. “You’re the only woman who could possibly be the mother of my child. I love you, Madison.”
Her smile widened. “I’m beginning to believe that’s true.”
Sadness slashed through him that she still didn’t acce
pt his words as truth. “I don’t know how to convince you.”
“Just keep doing what you’re doing.”
“Oh.” He moved his head lower, licking her stomach before pausing to breathe against her mound. “You mean this?”
“Ah…I meant how you’ve been acting, but that’s good too…” She trailed off into a moan as he parted her folds like a delicate flower, holding her open as he drew back to look at the glistening dew of arousal on her clit. His mouth watered to taste her, and he dipped his head to immerse his tongue inside her. Her body jolted at the contact, and he wondered if she was more sensitive there too. In case she was, he proceeded carefully, teasing her with the tip and then the broad part of his tongue as she cried out his name, arching her hips.