Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

“Yes.” I nodded. “I’m sorry I had to push you away. But since I left, I’ve done nothing but miss you.” I brushed my thumb over his mouth. “I want a life with you. It doesn’t matter if I’m a little scared right now. You have to let me try again. Because if I can do this, then maybe we can be like a normal couple. We can be a family.”

  “We don’t have to have sex to be a family.”

  “You keep saying that, but you know it’s not true. People in love make love. That’s how it works.” I rose to my tiptoes, brushing my nose against his and whispering, “I want you. I want us to be in love.”

  I didn’t have to say more. With a kind smile, he took my hand and led me to his room. I stopped in the doorway, biting my lips together. My stomach pulsed with nerves. I crossed my arms, willing myself to stay together.

  Troy turned to look at me, his eyes crinkling at the corners. I rested my head against the frame, admiring his muscular torso. He was like a piece of art, worthy of display in a flashy museum. Far too good for the likes of me.

  I snapped my eyes closed and whispered under my breath, “I’m enough.”

  With a thick swallow, I inched into the room. Jovi padded in behind me, but Troy clicked his fingers and pointed for the door.

  “Jovi. Bed.” The bulldog whined. Troy just shook his head. “Bed.”

  His doe eyes looked to me for backup. Poor thing, I was too nervous to do anything but wince at him.

  He drooped his head and shuffled out the door. I closed it behind him and turned back to face the man I loved.

  Troy had moved to stand by the bed. His hands were resting in his pajama pockets, pulling them just a little farther down. I could make out the line of hair above his manhood, and my insides burned with desire.

  I wasn’t used to the sensation, but I knew I wanted more of it. I took another step closer.

  Troy looked relaxed where he was, which made it easier to strip off my shirt.

  I dropped it behind me then peeled off my pants, sneakers, and socks.

  I was down to my underwear and feeling vulnerable. Troy stood back—watching, waiting. His eyes were asking me what I wanted, but I couldn’t speak.

  With trembling hands, I undid my bra and dropped it on top of the sopping pile of running clothes, then wiggled out of my underpants.

  Nerves pulsed through me, and it took a deep breath and more courage than I thought to look up from the floor.

  Troy smiled, waiting until we made eye contact before dropping his pants.

  My lips parted, and I couldn’t help staring at him…all of him. He didn’t seem to mind my gaping perusal. Everything about him was so calm and unhurried.

  “How do you want to do this? Should I guide you or…”

  I bit my lip. “Do you know what you’re doing?”

  I figured I already knew the answer.

  Troy’s smile was slow and sweet. “If you’re asking if I’ve done this before, then yeah.”

  It was tempting to ask how often, but the answer would no doubt throw me.

  “What do you want me to do, Cass?”

  I blinked, and pointed at the bed. “You sit. I’ll, um…come to you.”

  “Okay.” He sat down and stretched his body out, linking his hands behind his head and grinning at me. “You come to me whenever you’re ready.” He waved his hand up and down, indicating my naked body. “I could sit here looking at this all night, so really, no hurry.”

  His wink was adorable and sexy, breaking the debilitating tension holding me back. My cheeks flared hot as I giggled and padded across to him.

  Scratching my elbow, I worried my lip and wondered what to do next.

  My lips trembled as I rested my knee on the edge of the bed then spread my legs over Troy’s lap. He adjusted himself on the pillows, lightly holding my thighs and staring at me.

  I tried to smile, but it didn’t really work. Troy stayed still, doing no more than resting his hands on my legs. I reached forward and traced my finger over his lips and down his chin. I made it all the way to his collarbone before palming his chest and moving to his arm, gliding my hand all the way down until I rounded his wrist. Taking his hand, I lifted it slowly to my breast, giving him permission to explore.

  He lightly massaged me, not taking his eyes off my face. I took his other hand and put it to my other breast, losing my breath when he skimmed my nipples with his fingertips.

  It felt so good.

  Fiery tingles shot between my legs, desire drawing a hot line from my heart to my core.

  Lurching forward, I ran my tongue across Troy’s lips. He opened his mouth to me, twirling his tongue around mine while massaging my breasts. It was a heady rush. When I pulled back for air, he glided his hand around my back, holding me steady and looking into my eyes.

  “I’ll stop whenever you want.” He held my gaze until I nodded; then he leaned forward and drew my nipple into his mouth.

  I tipped my head back, closing my eyes and scraping my fingers through his hair. I held him to me, relishing the sensations rocketing inside as he took his time, kissing and sucking my tender skin.

  My heart was thundering, my breaths quick and erratic, only increasing when I felt his erection skim my inner thigh. I fisted his hair, nerves battling it out with a heady desire.

  I wasn’t quite sure what to do and faltered when I tried to line myself up.

  Troy pulled back from my breasts, stopping me quickly. “Wait.” He grabbed my arms, holding me up. “I don’t want to hurt you. I need to know you’re ready.”

  The tender look in his eyes was enough to make me dissolve.

  “How do you know if I’m ready?” I whispered.

  “Do you trust me?”

  I nodded.

  Settling me over him, he made sure I was secure on my knees and then slowly put two fingers in his mouth, moistening the ends before reaching between my legs. I didn’t know what to expect, so when he gently ran his fingers between my legs then pushed them inside me, I let out a surprised gasp.

  “I can stop.” He went to pull out.

  “No!” Gripping his shoulders, I shook my head and begged, “It feels good. Don’t stop.”

  He gently smiled at me and kept going, touching me, arousing me…the desire building to a crescendo that couldn’t possibly get any more intense. But it did. My first orgasm tore right through my center, rocketing up my body. I let out a lusty cry, gripping his shoulders and quivering.

  Troy caressed my inner thigh with his moist fingers then asked, “Do you want to keep going?”

  “Yes,” I breathed.

  My shaking limbs probably contradicted me, but my need to prove something had shifted to a craving for Troy. I wanted to meld our bodies together, feel him sink inside me and become a part of who I was.

  He wrapped himself quickly—maybe worrying that I’d change my mind in the short time it took him.

  But I wouldn’t. I was determined to do this.

  Even more than that…I wanted to.

  As soon as he was ready, I tipped my hips, his erection teasing me. With his deft fingers, he lined us up and I sank onto him. A soft sigh escaped my lips. I didn’t know if it was a breath of relief or desire, but as he filled me, I was struck by an overwhelming sense of completion.

  I wasn’t done yet though.

  Troy placed his hands on my hips and gently guided me, helping me find our rhythm. He smiled, telling me he loved me as we rose and fell together. I held on to his shoulders, unable to bite back my moans. It felt so amazing; my entire body was buzzing. The sensations taking hold of me were like nothing I’d felt before. Again, they built until I thought I might burst.

  Troy groaned, his eyes glazing as he dug his fingers in and thrusted a little harder.

  I gasped and gripped his shoulders, watching his face as he lost himself in an orgasm. It turned me on, firing rockets through me all over again. I crashed down on him and we tumbled together, both crying out as he came inside me.

  Wrapping his arms around my waist,
he pulled me against him, kissing the top of my breast before resting his head on my shoulder. “I love you, Cass. I love you,” he whispered against my neck, palming my back and securing me into his life.

  I rested my cheek on the side of his head, playing with the ends of his hair and softly starting to sing. I have no idea why I did it, but “Head Over Feet” by Alanis Morissette came to me, and it said everything I needed to. So I just…sang it, holding him close to me and telling him how he’d won me over with nothing but his good soul and patience.

  He was the only man for me, and finally, I’d had the courage to claim him.

  As I sang through the song, Troy shifted, lifting his head to look me in the eye. I smiled and kept singing.

  I actually finished the whole song, something that should have been awkward and weird, but it wasn’t. My breathy voice set the perfect tone, and he drank me in, absorbing each word as it left my mouth.

  “It’s all your fault,” I ended with a grin.

  He chuckled and came for my mouth, kissing me as soon as I’d finished. I sank into the feeling, knowing how safe it actually was.

  He was still inside me, our bodies relaxing together. It was like floating back to earth on a feather, lazily whispering on the breeze before settling softly on the warm green grass. I wanted to curl up beside him and fall asleep in his arms, but I had to get back to Felix.

  I’d done what I’d come to do.

  I’d be back to do it again.

  Troy was part of my life now. We were on our way to becoming a family, which made it a little easier to leave him.

  Brushing my thumb across his stubble, I said it again…this time with a confident smile. “I love you, Troy Baker.”

  “And I love you.” His eyes gleamed as he leaned forward and kissed my nose. “And I’m looking forward to saying that to you over,” he kissed my lips, “and over,” he kissed my neck, “and over,” he kissed my shoulder, “again.”

  I giggled, cupping the back of his head as his lips traveled down to my breasts and he set my body sizzling all over again.

  Epilogue

  Felix

  Two months later…

  The stadium loomed large, and my stomach jumped into unexpected knots.

  Unexpected? Who was I kidding? I was about to do something huge! I was surprised I could even function properly.

  The rumble of the expectant crowd fueled my nerves.

  I glanced at Aunt Cass, who was walking hand in hand with Troy. I’d finally convinced her to buy a pair of jeans. Her friend from work, Aubrey, took her shopping, and she came home looking like Aunt Cass version 2.0.

  Now when she stood next to Troy, they kind of matched. He was in his standard leather jacket and looking pretty casual, considering what he had planned for the night.

  I bit my lips together to hide my smile. He’d come to see me four weeks earlier. He’d needed to talk man-to-man. I’d been kind of mystified to be honest, but as we walked Jovi to the dog park he asked me how I’d feel about him moving in.

  I’d been cool with it. Since he and Aunt Cass got back together, he’d practically been living there anyway. Most nights were either dinner at our place or his. Moving in made sense.

  But then he told me how he wanted to go about doing it…and I’d tripped over the dog.

  Jovi yelped and scampered away, but when I rolled onto my back, he returned, resting his paws on my chest and panting excitedly. All I could do was squint into the sun and ask Troy, “Will Chaos be okay with this?”

  He nodded. “I’ve already checked.”

  I bit my lip the way Aunt Cass always did, then broke into a smile. “Do you think I can do it?”

  “I know you can, man. I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t.” Troy reached out his hand and I grabbed it, letting him pull me to my feet. He patted my back then dragged me into a side hug. It was the first time I’d ever felt like I had a father. Art was always a grandpa figure. Troy felt like a dad, and if I did this for him, he’d be the closest thing I’d ever have to one.

  “Okay.” I nodded. “I’ll do it.”

  Troy grinned. “I love you, kid.”

  I paused, gazing up at his face, seeing how much he meant it. My throat swelled with emotion, but I finally managed to choke out, “Love you too.”

  So there I was, walking in the back of a huge stadium with my guitar in one hand and a jittery smile on my face. People were already lined up to get in for the opening concert of Chaos’s second national tour. They’d done one last year and were about to kick off a summer tour that took them all over the country to promote their new album.

  I couldn’t believe I was going to be part of opening night.

  We reached the door where I had to say goodbye to Aunt Cass and Troy. Security would then take them through a private entrance to the front part of the stadium where they’d have the best view of the concert. I’d be able to look down and see her watching me.

  Her arm came around my back and she kissed my cheek, oblivious to why I was really doing this. She thought I was playing a short solo in the middle of one of the songs. She had no idea.

  “Hey, Felix.” She grabbed my shoulder as I started to turn away.

  I glanced back at her.

  “Guess what?”

  With a little snicker, I winked at my aunt. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say it. I’ve known since the second you sang me back home.”

  Her nose wrinkled, her eyes shining with tears. “I’m saying it anyway.” She pulled me into a tight hug and spoke right into my ear. “Your mom would be so proud of you, but maybe not as much as I am.” Pulling back, she held me at arm’s length and gave me a watery smile. “I love you.”

  I blushed and dipped my head. “Thanks, Aunt Cass.”

  With a quick head bob, I hid my nerves behind a bright smile and walked through the door. Chaos were in their designated room. Some chick was powdering Nessa’s face, another applying eyeliner on Ralphie. Veronica sat on the stool beside him, giggling. He reached out and tried to tickle her, but she just squeaked and jumped out of reach, laughing a little harder.

  Jimmy spotted me in the mirror and waved me farther in.

  “Nice to see you, lil’ bro. How you feeling?”

  “Nervous,” I admitted, laying down my guitar case and setting up.

  “You’re gonna be great.” Nessa sounded so convinced.

  “Don’t sweat it, man.” Flick slapped my shoulder. “You just have to remember to never give a shit what people think of you. If you play for this band, it means you’re fuckin’ perfect.”

  Nessa and Ralphie laughed in unison, and I remained clueless to their inside joke.

  I just shrugged and put on a smile, pulling the guitar strap over my head and giving the strings a light strum.

  The door flew open, and Marcus, their manager, walked in with a blonde who kind of looked like him.

  “Hey, guys,” he said brightly. As soon as he spotted me, his face broke into a wide smile and he came forward to shake my hand. “Nice to see you again, Felix. Welcome along.”

  His handshake was firm and confident. It was kind of impossible not to like the guy. He was so friendly and nice all the time.

  “This is my sister, Felicity. She’s working on a journalism paper for college and is writing an article about tonight’s show.”

  “Hi.” I waved at her.

  She wiggled her fingers at me. “Call me Fliss.” She grinned. “When you’re not too nervous to talk, that is.”

  I gave her a bashful smile and hid behind my growing bangs.

  “So.” Marcus clapped his hands together. “We’re all good to go?” He pointed his finger at each band member, checking in with them.

  They all nodded while Fliss took notes on her iPad.

  Marcus glanced over his shoulder at her, murmuring something I couldn’t hear. She nodded but didn’t say anything.

  “Okay, ten minutes, guys.” Marcus clapped his hands again, then strode out of the room.
r />   Fliss kept her eyes on the iPad and kept tapping.

  I went back to tuning my guitar and trying not to throw up. Then the makeup lady came over to me and started rubbing stuff on my nose and cheeks.

  “Don’t scrunch your face,” she murmured.

  I tried to relax, then started praying the eyeliner wouldn’t be uncapped. Gripping the neck of my guitar, I scanned the room, distracting myself with watching Chaos.

  Jimmy and Nessa shared a secret little conversation while Ralphie and Veronica stole another kiss. They obviously weren’t as secret about their relationship as Jimmy and Nessa were.

  Flick stayed on the edge of the room, watching the two couples before rolling his eyes and making some derogatory comment to Jace.

  I didn’t quite catch it, but it made Jace snicker and Fliss’s head pop up. Her eyebrows bunched into a tight frown as she glared at Flick.

  He caught her gaze and faced it head-on. “You got a problem?”

  “Sexist much?”

  He adjusted his ever-present beanie and walked into her space, a smirk growing on his lips the whole time. “Hey, blondie, if you can’t handle my sexiness, then you just better move on out of the way.”

  She let out a disgusted scoff and stepped back. “You are such a jackass.”

  His smirk disappeared behind a dry glare and a heavy dose of sarcasm. “Geez, Fliss, I’m so excited that you’re joining us on tour this summer. It’s going to be so much fun.”

  Her eyebrow rose in time with her middle finger. Then she spun out of the room, nearly crashing into a guy with a headset.

  He jumped out of the way and looked into the dressing room with a confused frown.

  Flick waved his hand dismissively. “Time to go?”

  “Yeah.” The guy nodded. “Suit up.”

  Flick barged out of the room first, cracking his knuckles as he went. I looked back in time to see Nessa grin. “This should be an interesting summer.”

  Jimmy groaned while Ralphie snickered.

  “Looks like Flick may have met his match.” Nessa wiggled her eyebrows and skipped over to me. Throwing her arm around me, she planted a kiss on my cheek. “See you on stage soon, big guy.” She patted my belly with her stump. “Use those nerves as energy, okay? Don’t think about what you’re doing. Feel it.” She patted my chest. “We already know you can sing and play, so that’s not even an issue. The song should flow from here. It’ll sound a million times better if it does.”