'Hello?' Gus croaked, his eyes following her fingers.
'Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.'
'Excuse me? Who is this?'
'You know damn well who this is, Johnson. I'm the man who's been trying to keep your poor wife from going over the edge. I'm the one who's been trying to hold her sorry career together while you screw around with a teenager. I'm the one who's going to have to tell her tomorrow that she has fuck-all chance of getting a new contract, because her latest book is drivel.'
'Oh, Walter.' Gus sighed. 'Is it really that bad?'
'Like you care/ Walter cried. 'This is your bloody fault. So, what have you got to say for yourself? Well?'
Gus turned away from Terry's questioning gaze. 'Walter, you're pissed.'
'Not half as pissed as I'm going to be/ the agent retorted, and hung up.
'Sorry about that,' Gus said, staring at the phone.
'It didn't sound like it was work.'
'No.'
'It was about Dana, wasn't it?'
He nodded.
Terry gently touched his cheek. 'Gus, she's not your problem any more.'
'No,' he agreed.
'Why did you ask me here, Gus?'
He shrugged. 'I wanted us to have a nice evening together.'
'Then let's do that,' she said, kissing him.
He kissed her back, but his heart wasn't in it.
She pulled back and stared at him. 'Gus?'
'I'm sorry, Terry.'
She sighed and started to button up her shirt again. 'So, what is it? What's wrong?'
'Dana's got problems.'
'Don't we all?' she mumbled.
'It's serious, Terry. And I need to try to help her before it's too late.'
She looked at him in silence for a moment, then nodded and stood up.
'Terry?'
She picked up her jacket and bag. 'You've been messing me around, Gus.'
'No, honestly, I haven't!' He tried to pull her into his arms but Terry side-stepped him. 'Terry, please. Just give me some time. Maybe when this is all sorted—'
She paused at the door and shot him an incredulous look. 'And maybe you should just go to hell.'
Ed was still reading when the doorbell rang. He started, surprised by the sound. No one could get to the door unless they had the code for the gate. The only person it could be ... He hurried out to the hall. He hoped Dana was asleep. He eased the door open and stood back to let Gus in.
'Come through to the office,' he whispered and led the way.
'You don't seem surprised to see me,' Gus said when they were in Dana's inner sanctum with the door closed.
'Nothing surprises me these days.'
Gus walked to the window and turned around to look at his wife's desk and chair. 'It feels strange being in here without her.' He turned to face Ed. 'I got a call from Wally. He was pissed as a newt, but I think he was trying to tell me that Dana's book is a disaster.'
Ed flopped into Dana's chair. 'She said she thought it was crap. I was hoping she was just being paranoid.'
'Is this my fault, Ed?' Gus asked.
'Yes and no. Oh, please, sit down. You're giving me a crick in my neck.'
Gus shook his head. 'Not in here. I don't feel comfortable. Let's go to the kitchen or even out to the pool-house -I don't care, just not here.'
'Okay, then, you head down to the pool-house and I'll get some drinks. Beer or something stronger?'
'Whiskey and soda, please. I'm not driving and I could really do with a drink.'
While Gus quietly opened the french windows and slipped out into the garden, Ed went out to the kitchen to fetch the drinks.
'Sorry, you'll have to do without ice,' he said, as he kicked the door of the pool-house closed after him.
'No problem, it's cold enough out here anyway.' Gus raised his glass. 'Thanks for letting me in. So, Ed, is it my fault?'
They sat down in two wicker chairs facing out towards the floodlit pool. Though Ed could see Gus's profile he could not see his expression or the look in his eyes. Maybe it was easier that way.
'There's no doubt that your leaving was the catalyst that set off this chain of events.'
Gus dropped his head in his hands.
'But,' Ed added, 'it was only a matter of time before she cracked. She's been bottling up a lot of hurt and anger for years.'
'But she did attend a psychiatrist, Ed. Surely she worked through her problems then?'
Ed shrugged. 'Who knows? It doesn't really matter, does it? It obviously didn't work.'
'And do you think it's all down to your father or her abortion?'
Ed shook his head. 'I'm not sure. My father was an old-fashioned, bigoted, autocratic sort of man. His family were hugely important to him, but it was equally important that we fitted in with his image of what the perfect family should be. He was deeply committed to the Catholic Church and expected his children to follow his example without question. If I missed Mass or didn't go to Confession when I was supposed to, he'd take his belt to me. If he caught me out in a lie or I got into trouble at school, there was hell to pay. His relationship with my mother was complicated. I think he loved her in his own way but at the same time he didn't really approve of her. She wasn't as impressed by the Church, for a start. And she was way too soft on us for his liking.'
Ed paused to take a drink.
'We were probably no different from other families when we were young. My father was working as a teacher and I was too small to cause that much trouble. The problems started when I got older. I couldn't do anything right, or so it seemed. That's when the shouting started and his belt became a regular feature in my life. My mother — small and gentle though she was — always stuck up for me. She used every trick in the book to distract him, and sometimes it worked.' Ed stopped and swallowed hard. 'And sometimes it didn't. And then, of course, there were times when she wasn't around and he would be free to make me as miserable and as terrified as he could. By the age of fourteen, I had developed a stammer, and he ridiculed me for it. He'd make me read my homework over and over again, trying to badger me into talking properly. Of course, the more upset I got, the more I stammered and the angrier he would get. Sometimes,' Ed's voice shook slightly, 'if I was really upset, I would wet myself. Then he would mock me and say I was a disgusting little animal, not worthy of the name O'Carroll. That I didn't deserve to live in the lovely comfortable house that he had worked hard to provide for us.'
Ed stopped for another drink.
'He told me I was a weak, miserable excuse for a child and an embarrassment to him and my mother, only she was too much of a lady to admit it.'
"The old bastard,' Gus murmured.
Tears welled in Ed's eyes and he was glad of the cover of darkness.
'What about Dana? Did he treat her the same way?'
'No.' Ed shook his head. 'Dana could do no wrong. She was his little princess. You see, she was pretty and clever and funny. And she was talented. By the age of eight, she was reading the classics and writing the most amazing little stories. Dad realized that she was a chip off the old block, and he gloried in that.'
'Did you hate her?'
Ed stared at him. 'No, of course not! She was a great kid and she thought I was the best brother in the world. Given the way my father treated me, you can understand why that meant a lot. We were close, despite the fact that there are almost three years between us. When my parents argued, she would cling to me, shivering like a frightened little puppy. She didn't know what was going on most of the time, and I did my best to shield her from the worst of it. Mum did too.' He sighed. 'Maybe that was the wrong thing to do. As she got older, though, she began to understand that he treated me and Mum differently and she was furious.' He grinned. 'She was a fiery little character, even then. When there was a major row, she would put herself in the middle of it, and scream at him to stop. Unfortunately it had the opposite effect. He saw her taking my side and it made him angrier. The rows got worse and more frequen
t. Then one day, I'd had enough. We were in the kitchen and he was in full flow and I just grabbed a kitchen knife and pushed him up against the wall. Mum screamed and Dana came in from the garden. They were both begging me to stop. Of course, they needn't have worried. Dad easily overpowered me. But I decided in that moment that I had to leave. I couldn't take the abuse any more, and I knew life would be better for both Dana and my mother if I left. So I did.'
'And you didn't keep in touch?'
Ed shook his head. 'I was afraid to. I thought it would just make things worse for Mum and Dana and as I wasn't there to protect them, I couldn't take that chance. But I kept in touch with an old school friend, Keith. He kept an eye on them for me.'
Gus nodded. 'So Keith told you about Dana's abortion?'
'No, he didn't know anything about that, no one did. He just said that Dana had left home and was finishing her secondary education in a boarding school. I just assumed that she had also had enough and left of her own free will.' He looked up at Gus, his eyes full of pain. 'I should have come back then, shouldn't I? I should have checked that everything was okay. Hell, I could have even found out where she was and written to her. Dad wouldn't have known.'
'Don't torture yourself.' Gus reached for the whiskey and soda, and silently topped up Ed's glass and then his own. He walked to the window and stared up at Dana's room. 'Go on.'
'That's about it, really,' Ed said. 'The next time I saw my father and Dana was when Mum died.'
'When was this?'
Ed frowned as he tried to remember. 'When I was about twenty-three, I think.'
'How did she die?'
'She fell down the stairs.'
Gus swung around. 'Fell?'
Ed nodded. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. She was quite sick, you see. She was on a lot of medication and sometimes she lost her balance. It was a straightforward, horrible accident.'
'How do you know that?' Gus asked. 'You hadn't seen her in years.'
'Keith had told me she wasn't well.'
Gus watched him, his eyes curious. 'Yet you still didn't go back.'
Ed looked down. 'No. No, I didn't. And I regret it, believe me.'
'I wonder whether Dana feels the same way. She left too, after all.'
'I've no idea.'
Gus sighed. 'What a mess. How come you've got through this unscathed and she's so scarred, though?'
'Oh, don't be fooled.' Ed laughed softly. 'I've had my moments too. It took me a long time to find peace. I did all the usual things first. I drank and I experimented with drugs. It was many years before I found peace. You asked me if it was your fault that Dana fell apart and I said yes and no. That's because I'm equally responsible. When she came back for Mum's funeral, it was to find that Father and I had reconciled. That completely threw her. She hardly talked to me through the funeral. She wouldn't even look at Father. Then, at some point during the reception, I noticed she was missing. When I went in search of her, Judy told me she'd gone back to Dublin.'
'You could have gone after her,' Gus remarked, his voice sharp.
'I could have. I should have. But, like I said, I was a bit of a mess myself.'
Gus was silent for a moment and then he came back to sit opposite Ed. 'Didn't you ever wonder if your father had something to do with your mother's death? Who knows what he was capable of by then? He'd lost his princess, remember? Maybe he blamed your mother for that.'
Ed shook his head. 'He didn't do it.'
'How can you be so sure? Ed, you have to face the fact that this is a real possibility—'
'Stop!' Ed rubbed his eyes and then looked straight at Gus. 'I know exactly what happened, Gus. I was there.'
Chapter Thirty-Three
'You've got to tell her,' Gus said again, kneading the ache in the back of his neck. Dawn was breaking and there was a light frost on the grass. The empty whiskey bottle rolled on the floor between them and Gus felt cold and tired.
Ed shook his head. 'I can't. I've finally got her back in my life and I won't lose her again. Besides, she needs me.'
'You can't build your future relationship on yet more lies, Ed, you must see that.'
'If she knew the truth, she'd never forgive me.'
'Have some faith in her. She's wise and kind and generous—'
'If she's so great then why did you walk out on her?' Ed snapped.
'Because when I found out how much of her life she had concealed from me, I didn't believe she could possibly trust, never mind love me.'
'It was just her way of trying to deal with things. She closed the door on her past and started again. It was nothing to do with you really.'
Gus nodded. 'I realize that now.'
'It's not too late, you know.' Ed smiled at him. 'Come on, I need to get some coffee before my head explodes.'
'What if Dana's up?'
'She won't surface before ten, especially now she's writing so late at night.'
'What's she working on?'
'Ah, well, that's a whole different story,' Ed said with a wide yawn. 'I'll tell you some of it, but not until I get a dose of caffeine.'
When they were sitting at the kitchen table, a pot of coffee between them, Ed told Gus about the new book that his sister was writing. 'It really brings home to me how much I underestimated her understanding of what was going on in that house. The poor kid must have been miserable.'
'She'll kill you when she realises you've read it,' Gus retorted.
'I don't care. I had to find some way to figure out what was going on in her head. I'm going to read all of it — well, as much as she's written — and then I'm going to sit down with her and talk about it all.'
Gus raised an eyebrow. 'Will you tell her every-thing?'
Ed sighed. 'I can't—'
'You can and you should. It will be okay, Ed,' Gus said gently.
'I wish I could believe that.'
Gus glanced at his watch, and quickly stood up. 'I'd better get out of here before she wakes up.' He shrugged into his jacket. 'Lord, I would kill for some sleep, but I need to shower and change and get into the office for a meeting. Tom is still on leave.' He held his hand out to his brother-in-law. 'Thanks for talking to me and for being so candid; it can't have been easy.'
Ed waved away his empathy. 'Please, at this stage I've had so much therapy I'd tell my life story to the postman.'
Gus eyed him speculatively. 'Now that I don't believe. Keep in touch, yeah?'
Ed nodded. 'I will.'
Ed tidied up, went to shower and change and was snoozing in the conservator,' when the buzzer on the gate went. After the hysterical phone call Gus had received last night, Ed half expected it to be Walter Grimes, the agent he had heard so much about. With a wide yawn, he went out to the hall and pressed the buzzer. 'Hello?'
'Hi. Who's that?' a female voice asked.
He smiled as he recognized the accent. 'Who's asking?'
'Ed?'
'Hello, Judy. Come on in.' He pressed the button to open the gate and then went to the front door to greet her.
'It's so good to see you again, Judy.' He kissed her cheek.
She smiled. 'Hello, Ed, you look wonderful. If I wasn't an old married woman with two kids—'
'You're younger than me,' he said, and laughed. 'And you look stunning. Now come in and have a cup of coffee and tell me how you've been. I hope you have photos of the family.'
'I'm a mother,' she reminded him. 'I always carry photographs. Where's Dana?'
'Still asleep. She was working late last night. Let's leave her for a bit while you and I catch up.'
Judy, initially cagey, opened up once Ed made it clear that he was here to help Dana. She told him how they had drifted apart over the years, but that when Gus left it had brought them closer again. 'I suppose I was the only one she could really talk to.'
Ed winced.
She touched his hand. 'I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. You're here now and that's what matters.'
'I'm not sure Dana would agree,' he said,
thinking about the manuscript he'd pored over the previous evening.
'Don't be fooled. She acts tough but she's still a
softy behind it all,' Judy said affectionately. 'Tell me something, why did Gus ask you to come?'
'He was worried.'
Judy shook her head irritably. 'Then why didn't he just come back? Why the hell did he leave in the first place?'
Ed gazed back at her. 'He had his reasons.'
Judy's eyes narrowed. 'So are you saying Dana did something to make him leave?'
Ed held up his hands. 'I'm not saying anything at all, Judy. It's between the two of them.'
Judy sighed. 'It's strange, I only met the man a couple of times but I thought they made a lovely couple. What do you think of Gus?'
'I like him,' Ed admitted.
She sighed. 'I wish there was something we could do to help. I thought it would be good for her to get away for a while. I even asked her to come back to Wexford — just for a visit. She was horrified. It's almost as if she's afraid to come back.'
'So Mother's funeral was the last time, the only time, she returned?' Ed asked.
Judy nodded. 'And that was a disaster.'
'Did she talk to you about it?'
Judy stared down into her coffee. 'She came down the day of the removal. But she went to the funeral home early because she wanted to spend some time alone with your mum. When she came back, she was in a terrible state. She'd seen you and your father together and it seemed to send her completely over the edge. She wanted to go straight back to Dublin but I persuaded her to stay. I knew that if she didn't attend the funeral she'd regret it for the rest of her life.'
'Thank you for that/ Ed said quietly.
Judy looked at him. 'Can I ask you something?'
He nodded silently but smiled his encouragement. She had a right to ask questions; Judy was practically the only family Dana had had for the last twenty years.
'Why did you forgive him?'
Ed couldn't look at her. 'I had no choice, Judy.'
'You should have followed her to Dublin,' she persisted. 'You should have explained.'
'I know.'
It's all such a mess. You were both hurting and you could have helped each other. Instead you've spent all of these years apart.'
Between The Sheets Page 26