In one weekend, she'd had a lifetime's questions answered. Gus deserved the same. She understood now why he'd behaved as he had. Even though he was the only man she'd ever really loved, she'd always held something back. She'd shown him just one side of her, and hadn't even realized she was doing it. She'd destroyed their marriage single-handedly and she had to admit that. She didn't kid herself that doing so would bring him back. Apart from the fact that Gus had another woman, Dana was now a different person to the one he married. And then there was Ryan. Gus was a proud and jealous man. Even if they could get past everything else, could he ever forget that Dana had taken another man into her bed — their bed?
She sighed as she turned to stroll back towards the restaurant. What was she to do about Ryan? They had fallen into an easy, comfortable relationship but Dana knew it would never be more than that, at least not for her. But she sensed Ryan was getting serious and she didn't want to hurt him. It might be time to call it a day. It was such a pity. Ryan had made her laugh at a time when she thought she'd never stop crying. He'd also made her feel desirable and beautiful and that had boosted her ego and confidence enormously. And as for his lovemaking — she smiled — well, he knew what buttons to press. But, strangely, the closer they became, the more she found herself thinking about Gus. She'd even been dreaming of him lately.
'Dana?'
She looked up and saw that Ed was waving at her from the door of the restaurant. She hurried back to him. 'Sorry, just needed a breath of air.'
'We were getting worried about you. You're not cross with me, are you? For reading the book, I mean.'
She shook her head. 'No.'
'You made me cry,' he confided.
'I'm sorry. It must have brought back some painful memories.'
'It did. But I cried when I read about you going to London. And then for him to send you away ...'
Dana felt the tears well up. 'It was probably as well that he did. It would have been impossible for us to live in peace together after that. Conall O'Carroll had finally realized that his darling princess was just an ordinary little girl after all.'
A tear rolled down her cheek and he gently wiped it away. 'There's nothing ordinary about you, little sister.'
Dana tucked her arm through his. 'We should go in. Poor Wally will think we're very rude.'
'I think we're past formalities like that.'
'You like him?' she asked.
Ed shot her a look. 'Don't even go there.'
'I don't know what you mean.' She grinned at him and led the way back to their table. 'Sorry, Wally. Did you think we'd got lost?'
'Yes and I had to order a stiff drink to console myself.' Walter raised his brandy balloon in a silent toast.
She laughed. 'Good man.'
'So how's lover boy?' Ed asked, as they settled back down.
Her smile faded. 'Eager.'
'Isn't that a good thing?' Walter asked.
'It should be,' she agreed.
'She still loves Gus,' Ed told him.
Dana scowled. 'How would you know?'
'It's obvious,' Ed said with a shrug.
'It is,' Walter confirmed.
Dana groaned. 'I hope it isn't to him. I feel pathetic enough as it is.'
'Why would it be?' Ed reasoned. 'You're dating an attractive man.'
'Not for much longer. I've decided to finish with Ryan.'
Walter stared at her. 'Oh, Dana, why? I thought you said he was great.'
'He is. But I'm still too raw for a heavy relationship, and I get the feeling that's the way this is heading.'
Walter shook his head. 'The path of true love never does run smooth, does it?'
'It did for me,' Dana said. 'I just blew it.'
'Don't be too hard on yourself,' her brother said. 'It's not your fault you turned out like that.'
'I can't blame everything on Dad. You turned out remarkably normal despite everything he did to you.'
'I feel like we're discussing a film and I've only seen the trailer,' Walter complained.
Dana laughed. 'You'll have to wait for the book!'
The agent pulled a face. 'Don't tease me. It's cruel.'
'If you're publishing, I'll want my cut,' Ed warned her.
Dana shuddered. 'I couldn't do it. You've no idea what it would be like, Ed. I'd have to do interviews to promote the book. And can you imagine the interest? The great Conall O'Carroll, a bully and a tyrant?'
Walter took out his handkerchief and patted his brow. 'Oh, my, I'm seeing serious pound signs.'
'Wally! This is my life — our lives.' Dana gestured to Ed. 'We're the ones who'd have to live with the fallout.'
Ed shrugged. 'If it would help you, I'd cope.'
'And you think we'd feel better if we told the world about our problems? Do you want revenge? Is that it?' Dana asked.
'No,' Ed assured her. 'I'm past that stage. I just want peace. And you back in my life.'
'I think I should go,' Wally said, pushing back his chair.
'No! No, Wally, please. I'm sorry. We shouldn't be excluding you like this.'
'It's the booze,' Ed told him. 'It gets us talking. I'm sorry, Walter. You take us out for this lovely lunch and we end up boring you with all this family stuff.'
'Boring is the last word I'd use,' Walter replied. 'Sad, maybe. I remember the first time I met Dana. It was shortly after your mother died and she had signed her first contract. It should have been an exciting time of her life but she was miserable. That was natural, of course. Most people are devastated when they lose a parent. But Dana's misery was deeper and it worried me in one so young. And she seemed so alone in the world. I'm sorry,' he added hurriedly when Ed grimaced, 'I'm not making any judgements.'
Ed nodded. 'That's okay. I'm so glad that you persuaded her to see a doctor.'
'Me too,' Dana said. 'I was in a very dark place back then. If it wasn't for Dr Corcoran, I'm not sure I'd have come out the other side.'
Ed leaned his chin on his hand and studied his sister. 'Was the depression due to Mum's death or because of the abortion, Dana?'
Walter spluttered out his brandy. 'Abortion? What abortion?'
Dana froze.
Ed looked from the agent to the shocked expression on his sister's face. 'I'm sorry. I just assumed—'
Dana sighed. 'I didn't tell my husband, but you thought I'd tell my agent?'
Ed groaned. 'I'm sorry. It's just when you said that Walter had suggested you get help, I thought you must have confided in him.' He stood up. 'Maybe I should go-'
'Oh, for God's sake, sit down, Ed,' Dana said. She felt tired and drained. She'd had so many deep and meaningful conversations over the last few days — she couldn't remember who knew what. It was hardly surprising her brother didn't either. But, she realized, it didn't matter. Walter was a true friend and she certainly didn't mind him knowing she'd had an abortion. On the other hand — she suppressed a smile at the thought — she could always kill two birds with one stone. 'I'm tired and I've drunk too much wine,' she told them. 'I need to go home.'
'I'll call for the bill.' Walter looked around for a waiter.
'No, you two stay. Please,' Dana insisted. 'Do me a favour, Ed. Fill Walter in on all the gory details. I'm not up to it right now, but I would like him to know.'
Ed patted her shoulder and stood up. 'I'll organize a taxi.'
When they were alone, Dana turned to Walter. 'Please don't be offended that I didn't confide in you before.'
'Of course not! I'm as tough as old boots, you know that. And I know I've been going on about publishing your story, Dana, but I'll respect your decision, no matter what. I won't mention it again, if that's what you want.'
'No, like Ed says, that's the mistake we've made in the past. Even if this manuscript never sees the light of day, I'd like my close friends to know the truth. And,' she smiled, 'you certainly fall into that category.'
Finally, when she was in a taxi and on her way home, Dana pulled back her wrap and looked at the slightl
y grubby cast that would be taken off her arm the following morning. It would mark the end of Dana the invalid and the beginning of Dana the survivor. Because that was one thing she was sure of. She might be a bit bruised and slightly battered but she would survive.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
'Okay, Ms De Lacey. Do the exercises I've shown you and you should be absolutely fine.'
Dana gingerly flexed her arm and fingers. 'It feels so strange. I'm a bit afraid to use it.'
'That's completely natural,' the nurse told her. 'But don't worry, it's mended and the more you use it, the stronger it will get.'
'Thanks for everything.' She smiled at the nurse.
Dana went out to the waiting room where Ed sat reading a newspaper. 'Well?'
'I'm as good as new. Though it feels weird, and very light.'
'So, what would you like to do?' he asked as they walked out to the car.
She laughed. 'Have a shower.'
'Straight home, then?'
She nodded. 'Yes, please. And then, I have a hair appointment.'
'Is this all for lover boy's benefit?' he asked as he opened the passenger door for her.
'It's to give me courage to finish with him.'
He climbed in beside her and started the car. 'Are you sure that's what you want to do? You've had an emotional few days. Maybe you should wait a while before making that decision.'
'You think?' Dana thought about his words. It was true; her head was all over the place and she seemed to spend as much time in the past as she did in the present.
'I do.' He swung the car out into traffic in the direction of home.
'Did Wally fly out this morning?' Dana had gone straight up to bed when she got home yesterday, though it had only been four o'clock. Amazingly she'd slept straight through till six this morning so she never even heard Ed come home.
Ed nodded. 'Yes, his flight was at eleven.'
'So how did it go after I left?'
'I told him about the abortion. He cried.' Ed smiled. 'That guy cries a lot.'
'He's soft and kind. He's been good to me.'
'I can see that. I'm glad you had someone to watch out for you.'
'And then what did you do?'
'I told him a bit about me and my work. He told me a bit about him and his work. And about Giles — what a bastard.'
Dana turned her head to look at him. 'He told you about that?'
Ed glanced over. 'Yes, why?'
'He never talks about Giles, not properly. He must really like you.'
'Dana—'
'I'm just saying! Look, I know Wally. He was devastated when he found out that Giles had been cheating on him. And even so, he was ready to forgive the shit and carry on. When Giles walked out, Wally was heartbroken. And though I've seen him flirt a little and heard him talk about other men, I've never seen him open up as much as he has to you.'
'Oh, Dana, I don't know ...'
'I'm not saying you should hop on the next flight to London and ask him to marry you, Ed. I'm just saying there's nothing wrong in being open to the idea that maybe you and Walter have a future. And if not as a couple, then as good friends.'
He shook his head, laughing. 'I didn't know you were such a matchmaker.'
'I'm not,' Dana assured him. 'But I saw something happen to you and Walter the moment you met. That doesn't happen often, at least not in my experience.'
'And it's not there with Ryan?'
She sighed. 'He makes me feel happy and sexy. He's attractive and kind—'
'But, no spark?'
Dana shook her head. 'I don't think so.'
'I'm sorry. Still, I haven't quite given up on you and Gus.'
Dana looked mournful. "You haven't seen his girl-friend.'
'No. But I have talked to him, a lot. He doesn't sound like a man who's moved on.'
She turned in her seat and looked at him. 'Have you been keeping in touch all the time you've been here?' she demanded.
Ed kept his eyes on the road. 'Not all the time.' 'Ed?'
'Look, he asked me to come here because he was worried about you. Obviously he was going to call me to know how you were doing.'
'Did he ask about Ryan?' Dana asked.
Ed shook his head. 'No.'
Dana stared out of the window, afraid to hope that Gus was feeling anything more than guilt.
'I bet you he calls today.'
Dana looked back at her brother. 'What?'
'I said I bet he calls you. He knows you're getting the cast off.'
'Oh. Yeah. Well, he might. But he'll just be being polite.'
'If you say so.' Ed pressed the remote control for the gates, and guided the car through them.
Dana climbed out of the car and stretched. 'Oh, it's so nice to be able to do simple things without help.'
'Go and have your shower,' Ed said, opening the front door. 'Call me when you're ready to go to the hairdresser.'
'Oh, it's okay, I can drive—'
'No, don't start trying to do everything at once. Save your energy. You're going out tonight, remember?'
'I remember,' Dana said and trudged upstairs.
She received three calls that day, from Walter, Sylvie and Judy, all checking to see how she'd got on at the hospital.
The call with Walter had resulted in tears on both sides as he sympathized with her on the loss of her child. No one had ever put it quite like that before and it had made Dana feel very emotional.
She had also chatted to Judy for a long time — there was so much to tell her.
'Poor Ed. He's had to cope with so much. And I can't believe your father made him believe your mother's death was his fault.'
'He was not a nice man,' Dana had replied.
'It would be wonderful if Ed and Wally got together,' Judy had gone on.
'They're perfect for each other,' Dana had agreed. 'But I won't push it. Ed is very nervous, and Walter, after all, lives in London.'
'It's only an hour away,' Judy had pointed out. 'And Ed can work from anywhere. Is he heading home now you don't need minding any more?'
'I don't know. I suppose he will. I'll miss him,' Dana had admitted. 'I've kind of got used to having him around.'
'It's not far/ Judy had reminded her. 'You'll see him all the time.'
'Not if he moves to London to be close to Wally.'
'I think we're getting a step ahead of ourselves, don't you?'
'Yes, I suppose so.'
The call from Sylvie had been a lot shorter. And that was it. No call from Gus. Dana was disappointed and annoyed with herself for caring. And annoyed with Ed for getting her hopes up.
'You look nice,' he said when she came downstairs.
Dana's dark, blunt bob shone and she wore a red dress and matching shoes that made her feel very glamorous.
'Is that your "dump 'em" outfit?'
Dana smiled despite herself. 'No, but red always gives me confidence. Is it too much?'
'No, you look stunning. He'll be crying into his soup. Or will you wait until dessert to break the news to him?'
'It's not funny, Ed.'
'You don't have to do it tonight,' he reminded her.
'I think I do. He'll be expecting to come home with me, and if I let him ...'
Ed grinned. 'It would make you a complete tart.'
Dana turned away to put in her earrings. 'So much for Gus calling,' she remarked.
'The day isn't over yet.'
The buzzer sounded. 'Maybe not. But I'm going out.'
'If he calls, I'll tell him he'll get you on your mobile.'
Dana grabbed her wrap and bag. 'Don't you dare,' she warned, hurrying to the door.
'Have a nice evening,' he called after her.
'You look beautiful,' Ryan said when they were sitting in the romantic French restaurant.
'Thanks.' Dana managed a weak smile and wished she'd worn her jeans. Now that she was sitting across from him and he was looking at her like that, Dana knew it was over. She just couldn't let him ma
ke love to her again. They were no longer on the same page, and it would be wrong to let him believe they were.
'And the arm's okay?'
'A little sore but it's a relief to have the cast off.'
They studied their menus, ordered and then sat back with their wine. 'How was your trip?' Dana asked, for want of something better to say.
He watched her over his glass. 'The same as all the other trips.'
'Boring, then.' She smiled.
He didn't bother answering. 'Tell me about these visitors you've been having.'
'Well, my friend Judy came up from Wexford and stayed with us for the weekend. And then she had just gone when Sylvie and Ian stopped by. Sylvie was a bit worried about her job and was looking for reassurances—'
'Why is she worried about her job?' he asked.
'She knew the book probably wouldn't be published so that made her nervous. But I've said I'll keep her on and she's going to do some other stuff as well.'
'And is it definite that the book won't be published?' His eyes searched her face.
She nodded. 'But I'm okay with that. Walter arrived just after they'd left - I told you it was a busy weekend — and we talked about it. It will probably be published in the States, but not here. Also I've decided not to sign a new contract.'
'Wow. That's a big decision. Are you sure it's what you want?'
'I haven't given up writing. I've just had enough of this genre. It's time I tried something else.'
'Any idea what?' he asked.
Dana thought about telling him about the biography and decided against it. She'd spent enough time talking about the past. She smiled. 'I don't know, maybe thrillers?'
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