feels like home, then
follow its path.”
- r.m. drake
“That’s probably the best piece of advice I can hope to give our kid.” I hear Ryan’s soft voice from behind me. I turn to see him still standing in the doorway, leaning against it with his hands in his pockets. I’m not sure how to read him right now—he looks calm like this is no big deal so I can’t figure out what it means. All I do know is I want to run and throw my arms around his neck and kiss his perfect, beautiful mouth, but I stop myself in time to realize it’s probably not appropriate. It’s one thing to kiss him when we’re screwing each other silly, when the urge to do so comes from between my legs, but it’s another to want to do it when it comes from inside my chest.
“I can’t believe you did this. How? . . . When? . . . Why? . . .” I can barely choke out in an incredulous whisper.
“I just figured he could use a cool place to sleep when he gets out. I did most of it while you were at work. I asked Kinsley for help picking out some of the furniture, but I put it all together.”
He motions to the black toolbox in the corner of the room and looks so damn proud it makes my heart melt. Ryan and I might never have a chance at love, but if I had any doubts regarding how he feels about our child, they were just hurled out this carefully decorated nursery window.
“But where’s all your stuff? Where are you going to work?”
“I put most of it in storage. I can work anywhere with my laptop, plus I have my actual office in town, remember? It’s not a big deal.”
He brushes it off easily, but deep down I know what a sacrifice this is for him. One he seems more than willing to make for the sake of our son. A small voice inside my head can’t help but bitterly add, “Yeah, he did this for our kid, but it doesn’t change how he feels about you.”
Afraid I’ll really lose it if I look at Ryan any longer, I make my way to the bookshelf and run my hands over some of the colorful spines. I stop when I see a copy of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. “Oh this was one of my favorites as a kid. I read it so much the back cover practically came off.”
Ryan reveals, “Actually, that is your copy,” just as I pull it out to expose a torn and tattered cover. “I asked your mom if she had any of your old stuff when I talked to her last week. She was more than happy to send over a whole box of books. A lot of them are yours.”
Crap, now the ugly tears really do fall, but only for a second before another thought dawns on me. “Wait, you talk to my mother?” I stop the tears with a sharp sniffle.
Ryan tries to look cool, but he is so busted. “She asked for my number before she left the other week. She said you don’t answer her calls.”
I can only shake my head in disbelief. Except I’m really not all that surprised. My mother apparently loves Ryan. As if this could get any more complicated.
I’m suddenly struck with some type of muscle spasm that feels like someone flicking my stomach from the inside. I grab my stomach and freeze. “Oh my god!”
In a flash Ryan is by my side, looking panicked. “What happened? Are you ok?”
“I think I just felt the baby kick.” I pause, assessing any further reaction. “Ah! There it is again!” I grab onto Ryan’s hand and place it over my belly.
He furrows his brow, clearly not feeling anything, but after a few seconds he flinches in surprise. “Fuck! How cool is that?” Without removing his hand, he looks at me and beams.
My smile must also be a mile wide. “I think he likes his room.”
Ryan
Twenty-eight Weeks
“Holy. Mother. Of. Fuck.”
I watch the screen as a slimy, bloody, wrinkled blob emerges from a sacred place that should never, ever look like a disturbing murder scene.
Kelley and I are sitting in a dark room at the health center with about a dozen other couples, watching the most terrifying piece of cinematic cruelty known to man—birth.
I think I’m about to puke, but I can’t look away.
Thank god the torture finally ends and the instructor flips on the lights. Except once you’ve seen it, you can’t unsee it.
“Well, I hope everyone enjoyed that!” The young, bubbly nurse looks tickled fucking pink to have shown us that monstrosity.
“Are you kidding me?” I blurt heatedly.
The nurse looks caught off guard and tilts her perky little head. “Excuse me?”
“Why the fuck didn’t anybody show us this before we’re about to live it? I mean show that to a fifteen year old and he’ll wait until he’s ninety to wave his dick at a girl.” A majority of the other scared shitless, soon-to-be dads nod furiously in agreement.
Kelley giggles beside me. “Seriously, Brooks. I am so fucking sorry your vag has to go through that.” I give her a solemn look, honestly feeling like a complete toolbag to have done this to her. And they expect me to stick my face down there to watch and then cut some umbilical cord shit?
“I assure you that when it’s your own child the entire experience is extremely magical. You’ll be so focused on your beautiful new baby that you won’t even notice all of the yucky stuff.” The nurse waves her hand at me dismissively before launching into the next part of the class.
Yeah, fat fucking chance of that, lady.
One long hour later Kelley and I are headed back out to my truck.
“You ok there, Blake? You look a little pale. If you’re having second thoughts we can talk about it . . .” Kelley’s concerned tone snaps me from my distracted thoughts. If I’m feeling this freaked out, I can’t imagine what she’s thinking. But I’m also smart enough to know I need to convince her I can handle this enough for the both of us. She has enough to worry about having to push that baby out of her, I don’t want her worrying I’m going to flake on her.
“Me? I’m fine.” Fucking terrified.
“You sure? You seemed pretty worked up in there. I thought that poor nurse was going to cry when you said both fuck and dick in the same outburst. Or punch you. Either would have been amusing.”
I open the passenger door and help her into her seat. “Serves her right. She could have warned us it was going to be so graphic. I’m just saying they should consider using that video in sex ed classes.” I close her door and make my way to the driver’s side.
“So you’re sure you’re ready for this?” Kelley asks as I put my keys in the ignition, roaring the truck to life.
“Of course I’m fucking ready.” I snicker and pull out of the parking lot.
I’m so not fucking ready.
Later that night, after Kelley goes to sleep, I find myself alone in the nursery, swaying back and forth as I sit in the rocking chair. It’s dark, the only light coming from the streetlights outside the window. I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes I picture things from my past . . . things I hate remembering.
Eleven Years Ago
“Man, I fucking need to get laid tonight. Think one of those bitches is willing?”
Johnny nods toward the main house where a party is raging. We’re sitting in lawn chairs way out in the backyard, getting wasted, as usual. I take another big swig from the bottle of booze gripped in my hands. I shrug and lay my head back, enjoying the blissful, numbing feeling that overtakes my body.
“You want in?” Johnny motions for me to join, but I shake my head.
“Nah, I’m good. This shit’s all I need.” My words are already slurring as I hold up the bottle to take another drink.
“Suit yourself, bro.” Johnny downs and tosses his own beer can to the side before stumbling off to a group of girls standing on the back porch.
I have no real concept of time, but a while later I realize my bottle is empty. I hold it upside down with my mouth open underneath, hoping to catch a few last drops. My head is dizzy and my vision is blurred, but I can see the lights from the house in the distance. I push myself out of my chair, wobbling at the sudden shift of my weight.
I stagger to the house and when I get inside
I look around, feeling disoriented by the music and the people. I assume things have died down from when we got here, but fuck if I can remember. I see Johnny passed out on the couch with a topless girl sprawled on top of him. I get in his face and loudly ask, “Dude, where the fuck is my sister? I need to go.”
The reason I came here in the first place was because I knew Hazel would be here hanging out with her piece of shit friends. She told me to go to hell and stop following her so I decided to get shit-faced instead. That always seems like the best idea. It’s the only way to get my mind off shit.
Johnny squints as he tries to open his eyes and groans. “Fuck, I don’t know man.” He rolls over and passes back out.
I stumble down one of the hallways, trying to find her. Suddenly I hear screaming—that sounds a lot like Hazel—coming from one of the last rooms at the far end of the hall. I push the door open to see Hazel hitting Tristan and screaming at him to leave her alone. She’s wearing a tight black mini-dress that is way too fucking short, revealing the fact her back and arms are covered with tattoos. A man who’s known as Dougie D sits on the bed with two girls laying next to him, some of his other drug dealer friends off to the side. I can tell they’re stoned out of their minds by the way they stare stupidly as if nothing out of the ordinary is going on. I immediately try to tackle Tristan, but trip over my own feet. Fuck, I wish the room would stop spinning.
“What the hell, Blake.”
I shuffle to my feet and push him as hard as I can. “Stay the fuck away from her, Sharp, or I’ll kick your fucking ass.”
“Ryan, stop! Please.” Hazel begs as tears stream down her face. “Please, just take me home.”
I sway back and forth as I try to steady myself. “Let’s fucking go.” I try to grab Hazel’s arm and make for the door, but Tristan steps in my way.
“There is no way in hell you can drive, Ry. Let me take you guys.”
I throw Tristan’s arm off of my shoulder. “Fuck you. I don’t want you anywhere near her.”
I try to fight him off, but he’s sober and I’m fucking loaded so clearly he has the upper hand.
I try to remember more from that night and wish I could say it was the worst of it.
But I don’t, and it wasn’t.
Ten Years Ago
“Well, Ryan, today’s the big day. You should be proud of how far you’ve come.”
Dr. Setter signs my discharge papers before indicating for me to do the same.
I hesitate for a second, chewing wildly on a piece of cinnamon gum—my new coping mechanism—before scrawling my signature across the bottom of the page. My right knee bobs up and down faster than a jackhammer.
Dr. Setter looks at me before asking, “Nervous?”
I grunt, shifting in my seat. “Gee, how can you tell?”
Dr. Setter removes his glasses. “It’s perfectly normal, Ryan. In fact, it’s good you feel that way. Many of our patients convince themselves they don’t need rehab in the first place, so it’s easy to think getting back out in the real world for the first time is no big deal. The fact that you’ve come to terms with your alcoholism means you recognize it as a weakness. And as long as you know that, you can beat it.”
“But what if I fuck up again?” I ask, admitting my deepest fear.
“Know that it would be a choice—you can give in, or you can fight. I suggest you choose wisely.”
“Clearly I haven’t been very good at making the right choices.” I chuckle, avoiding Dr. Setter’s stare by looking out the window.
“Want my best piece of advice?”
“Hell yeah I do. What have you been holding out on me, doc?”
Dr. Setter chuckles. “My best advice is not to overthink it. You’ll drive yourself mad doing that. Just stay strong and go with your gut, Ryan. I’m sure it will eventually get you where you need to go. Don’t let anything else control you. What’s in here is what matters most.” He taps his chest, indicating his heart.
I nod in understanding and shake Dr. Setter’s hand, thanking him as I stand up to leave.
As soon as walk out of the clinic I make a promise to myself—I promise that I will never, ever let a weakness control me ever again. I’m stronger than that. Nothing can break me.
I’m startled awake as I shoot up in the rocking chair. It takes a second to realize I even fell asleep. I look around the room and let my eyes adjust to the darkness. A single beam of light comes in from the window, illuminating the wooden crib. I get up and grab one of the stuffed animals sitting inside and think about the fact that soon I will be bringing a kid in here—into my fucked up world. Will I be able to handle it?
Dr. Setter’s words come back to me—Just stay strong and go with your gut, Ryan. I’m sure it will eventually get you where you need to go.
His advice has worked for me so far. I just hope it’s going to be enough this time.
Kelley
Thirty-five Weeks
“I’m telling you, Luc, it’s crazy how it works. The baby comes out all wrinkly and purple, still attached inside with a cord made up of a vein and arteries and shit, and after that’s cut this blob on the other end called the after-birth comes sliding out. It’s fucking weird, man.”
Kinsley looks at me with curious amusement as we overhear Ryan and Lucas talking a few feet away. I roll my eyes. “Ever since we took that six-week childbirth class it’s all he talks about. At first I thought he was scared but now it’s like he has some morbid fascination with the entire process.”
Kinsley laughs. “I think it’s sweet he’s so involved.”
“There’s a fine line between sweet and creepy, Kins.” I also laugh, secretly knowing that I do find it strangely sweet. But, per usual, I’m trying really hard to keep an emotional distance from the father of my child. Why does he have to be so damn infuriating? One minute he’s making me scream in frustration, and the next it’s in complete and utter ecstasy.
I look up and call playfully to Lucas, who looks like he might lose his lunch thanks to Ryan’s detailed descriptions. “Sure you don’t want a kid anytime soon, Luc?”
He swallows thickly before shaking his head. “I’m good. Besides, I want this one all to myself for a while.” He comes up behind Kinsley to rest his head on her shoulder, wrapping his arms around her waist. “So, any big plans for the big two-eight next week, Ry?”
I look confusedly at Ryan, who doesn’t make eye contact.
“I guess we’ll do the usual? Dinner followed by me whooping your ass in pool at The Cue? If you’re lucky I’ll even let the birthday boy win a game.” Lucas teases. “We’re away next weekend, but how about the Monday after? All four of us can go and make a night of it.”
Ryan nods but we’re interrupted as we hear people begin to arrive at the door. Kinsley insisted on throwing me a baby shower, which I really didn’t want, but finally agreed to as long as it would be both guys and girls. That way it feels more like a regular social gathering, and hopefully nobody will ask too many personal questions with the opposite sex present. I knew if it was an all-girl party I would get grilled about the details of my relationship with Ryan, which is not something I want to live through.
As Lucas and Kinsley make their way to greet our guests, I hang back with Ryan. “It’s your birthday next week?” I ask. He shrugs. I try to keep the hurt out of my voice. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It’s not a big deal, Brooks.”
“Well I think it is. We should do something special.”
He raises an eyebrow lustfully. “What did you have in mind?”
I playfully slap his shoulder. “I’m serious.”
“So am I.” He looks at me with such hunger that I’m afraid I might take my clothes off for him right here. Thankfully people come through the door, distracting us both.
Tristan and Hazel arrive first and I immediately pick up on Ryan’s annoyance as soon as he sees them together. Hazel walks up to her brother and hugs him. As I say my own hellos, I hear Ryan sharply ask wh
at she’s doing with Tristan, to which Hazel replies, “You know how hard it was to get out without Mom knowing where I was going? I needed a ride and called him. Don’t give me that look, Ry. I’m not a kid anymore. By the way, Grams says she’s sorry she can’t make it, but I have a big gift from her in the car.”
Ryan doesn’t look thrilled, but softens his expression as more people appear. Most are friends, while some are coworkers or work acquaintances. Thankfully my parents couldn’t make it, and obviously we didn’t even invite Holly. Among the guests currently arriving are my boss, Logan, and even Gemma. Eli was nice enough to host it at his house, and Kinsley decorated the entire place with mint colored balloons, tons of white peonies, and a big banner that reads “Oh, Baby” with a smaller “We can’t wait to meet you Caden” sign beneath. (Yes, Ryan and I finally decided on a name that doesn’t remind us of any perverts, jerks, or thieves.)
“This place looks great, Kelley. Kinsley did an awesome job. Thanks so much for inviting me.” Gemma looks shyly around the room.
“Of course, Gem. Thanks for coming.” I notice Gemma looks distracted so I tilt my head to see she’s staring at Logan, who is laughing with Tristan and Lucas. His dimples are on full display, making Gemma blush the same shade as her hair.
I smile to myself. Gemma is so sweet and innocent it’s almost nauseating to watch. But cute at the same time. I don’t think she’d know what to do with a guy like Logan. Or maybe a guy like him wouldn’t know what to do with her.
Kinsley distracts us both by calling me over to open presents. Ryan looks about as thrilled as I do to have to sit in front of everyone and make gaga noises over what they bought us, but it’s nice of them to be so generous. The least we can do is gush a little.
Ryan and I sit on the couch as Kinsley hands us the first gift from her and Lucas. I pull out the yellow tissue paper from the gift bag that has adorable baby animals and unwrap the tiniest little onesie that says, “If you think I’m cute you should see my Uncle Lucas.”
I laugh out loud and hand it to Ryan, who rolls his eyes. “Yeah, right. This shit is going straight in the trash.”
Mad Addiction (Crazy Beautiful #2) Page 13