by Meka James
Entering the room, I saw that Shawn had indeed managed to dump out his bin of toys. He looked up and beamed as his mom approached him. He handed her one of the toys.
“Oh, congrats on getting the house,” she said, turning to look at me as she took a seat on the floor.
I didn’t have to wonder how she knew. It wouldn’t have even dawned on Macy that I would’ve wanted to be the one to tell Ginger. I loved my sister, but she tried my patience with all her nosy, mother henning.
I moved to join them on the floor. “Thanks. Now comes the home inspections and getting insurance and all the other fun stuff, but you know how it is.”
No matter how many times I’d come here, I never got used to how formal this place felt. It had changed a little with the addition of the baby stuff, but for the most part it felt stuffy, like it was all for show, and not for really living.
“Yeah,” she said. A smile tugged at her lips. “Buying my little bungalow was a headache, but the sense of accomplishment I had the day I closed couldn’t be beat. You’ll see.” A fleeting sadness shadowed her face.
I remembered her old place. It had fit her personality more than this current house.
“Speaking of closings, mine is currently scheduled next month, on your birthday. You won’t mind giving up a few hours of your day, will you?”
Shawn crawled through his mess to sit in her lap. “You want me there?”
“Without a doubt. Look, you’ve made it clear you feel like things are moving too fast, but I still want to share that experience with you. That’s all. Nothing more, nothing less.”
She smiled and nodded. “I’ll be happy to be there.”
My fingers played with the hair at the base of her neck while she talked to Shawn. When he crawled off, she moved to sit on the couch.
“So, Macy said you went out last night,” she commented as she played with the wheels of the car she held in her hands.
I pushed myself up onto the couch. “Yeah. G showed up and wanted to go out, so I took him to Reign.”
“You have fun?” She looked over her shoulder at me. There was a weird tone to her voice, and I couldn’t tell if she was pissed or not. I could only imagine what Macy’s version of the night’s events were.
“Not really. I could think of better ways to spend my Saturday night. And with better company.” I placed my hand on the small of her back, letting my thumb stroke the small amount of exposed flesh. She jerked away and pulled her shirt down in the process.
“Mal…”
“Don’t apologize to me again.” The words came out in an unintentional clipped tone.
Her leg started bouncing, and she kept her focus on the toy car in her hand until Shawn came over to take it, offering instead a cardboard book. She picked him up and proceeded to read him Brown Bear, Brown Bear for about two pages before he squirmed to get down again.
“Have you thought about what will happen when we don’t work out?” she asked, keeping her eyes focused on Shawn.
“You said that like you know us not working is a sure thing. Like you’ve planned on us not working out.”
Ginger swiveled so that she faced me, pulling her legs up onto the couch and folded them across each other. “No, it’s not that. I’m…look today when I was with Macy she told me how she didn’t really want this, us to happen.”
“Serious? Why can’t she just stay the hell out of shit?”
“S’it.” Shawn mimicked what I’d said. Luckily he got the word wrong. Ginger gave me a warning look.
It pissed me off hearing Macy had done exactly what I’d asked her not to do. Getting Ginger to agree to date me had already been hard enough with her fear of relationships, I didn’t need Macy adding to that. Ginger came up with plenty of reasons on her own why this wouldn’t work.
“Don’t be mad at her, Mal. She’s just concerned.”
“No what she is, is a fu...freaking nosy, busy body who has to be in the middle of everything.”
Pulling her knees to her chest, Ginger took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have phrased it as a certain thing,” she whispered. “It’s just…you and Macy have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. After…everything, I thought I’d lost my friendship with her, and that hurt. I…I’m just worried that if we can’t…I just don’t want to jeopardize my friendship with her, or you.”
Her fingers traced along the stitching of the cushion as she spoke. Reaching over, I took her hand, and she looked up at me. My thumb ran across the bumpy surface of the ring while I tried to come up with an answer for her concerns.
“Stop thinking so much about the what-ifs and all the things that could go wrong with us and put that energy into there being an us.” I brought her hand to my lips, and gave the palm a soft kiss. “I’m committed to you and making this work. If you’re committed to the same thing, there’s no way we can fail.”
I waited on her to say something, to confirm that she was as committed to this as I was, instead she avoided my gaze.
“Are you committed, Ginger?”
Silence.
She looked up at me, her lips pressed tightly together. She took slow, steady breaths as the seconds ticked on. Her non-answer was answer enough. I started to get off the couch, but then I felt her hand on my arm.
“Where are you going?”
“Home.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean ‘why’?”
“You said you’d be patient with me.” Her voice held an accusatory tone.
“And I would be, but you don’t want to be here. Unlike him, I won’t make you stay in a relationship you don’t want.”
I hated bringing up that bastard, and I could see from the hurt expression on her face, she didn’t like it either. I knew, deep down, that the idea of a relationship freaked her out, but if only one of us wanted this, it wouldn’t work.
“You said I was planning for a future you weren’t sure you wanted, so I’m asking you now. What do you want? To end things before they get started?”
She stared off in the direction of where Shawn sat. “How many times have you been in love?”
“Once.”
She looked over and gave me a fleeting ghost smile. “Well, I’ve been in love twice. Both times they hurt me.”
“You think I don’t know that. I do. I was there, remember?”
“No, Malcolm, you don’t know. I’ve loved two men. I’ve been hurt by two men. My track record is oh-and-two, so…”
I took her hands in mine, trying my best to ignore the disheartening feeling that came over me when she said only twice. “So, third time’s the charm.” I reached out to touch her cheek. “I’m here for you, Ginger. Be it good, bad, or ugly. I’m with you. I just need to know you want me here.”
Shawn came over, and she pulled her hands free of mine to pick him up. She gave him a kiss on his head before bringing her attention back to me.
“I do want you around. There’s just so much happening, and I’m trying my best to adjust. I’m sorry if I’m not acting like you expect me to right now.”
“The only thing I expect is for you to be honest with me. Nothing less, and nothing more.”
She smoothed down the hair on Shawn’s head. “I’m trying.”
I wanted to argue that being honest with me shouldn’t be something she had to try to do, but I let it go. I was starting to realize I had to pick my battles with her, and this wasn’t one I wanted to fight. She said she wanted me around, so I was going to take that as another step in the right direction.
Chapter 10
Calida
“How was your week?” Dr. Carr asked as she pushed her glasses up on her nose.
“Good. How was yours?”
She smiled at my question and put her notepad down on the table. “It was very nice. Thank you for asking.”
She leaned back in her chair, crossed her legs, and waited. I leaned back and mirrored her
actions. I came here week after week and told her edited versions of my life. Now I had to decide how much to tell her this week. The silence stretched on, she got paid regardless of if I talked or not.
“Malcolm is buying a house,” I blurted out.
“Tell him I said congratulations.”
“He said he bought it for us.”
“Last week you weren’t sure if you wanted to be in the relationship, but now you’re moving in?” she asked, repositioning herself in the chair.
This week I still wasn’t sure, but he’d been upset with me last Sunday. I hated the look of disappointment, and I hated being the reason behind it. I cared for Malcolm deeply and didn’t want the confrontation.
“No, I’m not moving in, although he would love for me to. He would love for me to do a lot of things,” I added, getting up. I needed to walk around and not see her scrutiny over my every action. My every word.
“What do you mean by that last comment?”
“Nothing. We’re just trying to figure out how to make it work. This going from friends to…” I paused, searching for the right word. Lovers? No not that, never that. “Dating. I’m just afraid that he’s going to realize that the woman he thinks he’s in love with doesn’t exist anymore. And when that happens…well, there’s a lot more at stake.”
Dr. Carr picked up her notepad and started writing. I rolled my eyes. I hated that she would probably be analyzing everything I said later trying to solve the “mystery” behind my troubles.
“Who do you think he loves if not the woman standing in front of me?”
Circling the ring around my finger, I watched the people below. The city was always so busy, people coming and going. I wondered how many of them were like me; simply going through the motions of life.
“He loves Ginger, but she’s not around anymore. Seth made sure of that.”
“Ginger? Who is she?”
I turned and gave her a weak smile. “Me. It’s a stupid nickname. One that used to have special meaning between Mal and me.”
“Used to? What changed?”
Closing my eyes, I breathed in a slow inhale. I smiled, thinking about the first time Malcolm called me that, how I felt special over something so simple. I’d had a crush on Mal for the longest time, so for him to notice me—really see me as more than just Macy’s friend—I’d been in heaven that night.
Then memories of the first night Seth had called me Ginger came flooding back without warning. The pain. The humiliation. All still just as fresh as the night it happened. That Thanksgiving was the first, but it certainly wasn’t the last time Seth had called me Ginger during one of his punishments. My hand went to my back, feeling the scar through my light, cotton T-shirt. He’d killed that special feeling, replacing it with something dark and ugly. I worked hard to not cringe each time Malcolm called me by that name.
“Calida?”
I turned back to face Dr. Carr. She held a tissue out toward me. I touched my cheek; I hadn’t realized a tear had escaped.
I took it before I sat back down. “Thanks.”
“Where’d you go just now?”
I shook my head, not wanting to voice those thoughts. Those, more than others, I’d worked the hardest at keeping locked tightly away. They had been stored in the deepest part of my mind where I thought they’d stay, but this last week had proved me wrong. Malcolm’s increased attention, as well as the increased use of that name every time he was being sweet to me, had tapped into those memories.
“The name had meaning to me, so Seth set out to change it. Sorta like that experiment with the dog. Change through systematic conditioning.”
“Why would you liken yourself to a dog?”
I let out a humorless laugh as I twirled the ring around my finger. “If the shoe fits. I sat when he told me to sit. I spoke when he wanted me to talk. And…and I came when he wanted me to come. I was well trained. Hell, he even called me pet on occasion.”
Dr. Carr’s eyebrows shot up, and I realized that I’d said more than I’d wanted to.
“I need to go.” I gathered up my purse and stood.
“We still have half an hour left,” she protested. “I think we should talk this through.”
“I don’t.”
I hastily exited her office, and struggled to control my breathing. I swallowed hard, forcing the urge to vomit back down. The ringing in my ears was all I heard as I stumbled down the hall. The pressure in my head mounted. I passed the elevator, heading instead for the stairwell. Once inside, I gripped onto the cold, metal railing and took gulps of air.
Two years. Two years I’d worked to forget. I’d worked to force those memories away. Two fucking years and here I stood being assaulted by them. A cacophony of thoughts perilously whirled through my mind. Memories that seemed terrifyingly real, accompanied by phantom aches of all of the places he’d hurt me. “You like it, Ginger! I always know what you like. Your body tells me every time.” Seth’s cocky voice filled the space around me, sucking the air from my body.
“Get out! Get out!” I shouted, hoping the images of his face would pass. My nightmares haunting me in the day. The bile rose, burning the back of my throat. That night replayed in my head like a horror movie I couldn’t forget; seeing myself in the reflection of the mirror, being forced to watch as he did that to me. The blood. My blood. The dead look in his eyes, the sinister curl of his lips as I fought to hold in the screams out of fear they’d hear. My parents. He’d hurt them. I couldn’t let them know.
The more I tried to control my breathing, the more erratic it became. My lungs drank in oxygen, and dizzying stars danced in front of my eyes. “I know what you wanted, Ginger!” Seth’s voice taunted me. My world was spinning. The pressure mounted. Blood pounded in my ears. My breaths: quick and shallow. “You’re mine!” I could no longer hold the contents of my stomach. The death grip I’d had on the railing loosened. There was silence. I was falling.
Chapter 11
Malcolm
Getting a phone call to say someone you love had been in some sort of accident and you needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible was hard enough once. And it was something I never wanted to experience again. Yet here I sat.
Being back in a hospital lobby brought back memories. Two years ago, the relief of Macy being found had been short lived upon seeing her condition. Beaten, starved, and dehydrated, but alive. We could see her, hold her, touch her. Waiting for final word from her doctors on how long her recovery would be had made us all anxious, but we knew we’d be told something.
Ginger had been miles away, and not being able to see her had made that wait damn near unbearable. I couldn’t get any information on her; I wasn’t family. The not knowing killed me.
It didn’t help that I’d felt torn about where I should be that fateful day. Mom had given me her silent permission to leave and check on Ginger. Macy had all of us there for her, but Ginger had no one since her parents were waiting to get a flight out and Dorian couldn’t have cared less. Mom had understood that. It wasn’t until I was sitting there scared shitless and seeing the worried look on their faces that I fully understood what I’d put my family through in college when I’d overdosed. I remembered apologizing to my parents again before leaving.
Now I found myself worried again. Sandy and Collin were back with her, while I sat and waited on news. Macy had wanted to come, but decided that bringing Shawn and London to the hospital was probably a bad idea.
I glanced around the drab room. What was it with hospitals? Most people here probably weren’t waiting on good news, so the depressing surroundings surely couldn’t help their mood. I didn’t really care about decorations, but fuck! I wanted something to look at that wasn’t hospital gray walls with its stark white, spotted linoleum floors and ugly pictures of flowers.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. It was Macy texting me for the third time in thirty minutes asking if there was any news. I sent her the same reply I’d
sent the last two times. As I was putting my phone away, I saw Collin walking toward me. The expression on his face was relaxed, which put some of my fears to rest.
He settled into the empty chair beside me. “Her injuries weren’t as serious as we’d feared. They said she fell down eight or so steps and her worst injury appears to be a sprained wrist. She is complaining of soreness, which the doctor told her to expect.”
“That is a relief to hear. Has she said what happened?”
He shook his head. “No, and that’s what’s most troubling. She said she doesn’t know what happened. She won’t even say why she was in the stairwell. If not for that guy with his elevator phobia, I’m not sure she would have been found.” Collin ran a weary hand down his face. “The doctors want to do an MRI and keep her overnight for observation.”
Every conceivable negative scenario ran through my head. Was she sick? Did she have a brain tumor? Was this some delayed effect from the shit that asshole put her through? People didn’t just pass out for no reason.
“Hey,” Sandy said, getting our attention. “We can head upstairs. They’re getting her settled into a room.”
Collin and I stood and Sandy pulled me into a hug. “Thanks for being here.”
“Don’t mention it. There’s nowhere else I’d be. And it sounds like I’m spending the night.”
She smiled and nodded. “I guess you are.” She pulled on my shoulders, gently forcing me to bend so she could kiss my cheek. “You’re a good guy, and she needs that.”
When she let go, I could see the shimmer in her eyes of the fresh batch of tears ready to fall. Collin pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to his wife.
She gave him a warm smile and dabbed at her eyes. “Always taking care of me.”
“Just as much as you take care of me.” He put his arm around her shoulders and kissed her temple.