by Meka James
“Because last week you made an interesting comment. You said now Malcolm knows, and you don’t want Shawn to be treated differently because of it.” She paused.
I shifted in my chair. “It was nothing. An unfounded fear.”
“You talked to Malcolm about this fear and worked out whatever it was?” The way she put emphasis on it wasn’t missed on me.
I sat back and crossed my arms in front of my chest. My knee began to bounce. “Not exactly. We’ve talked about a lot of topics over the last week, but my worries about Shawn were put to rest.”
Dr. Carr placed her notebook on the side table then sat back in her chair. She took off her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose for a moment before putting them back on. “Remember when I asked you to really think about what you were afraid of?”
I thought back, trying to recall that particular session. I started nodding as the memories returned. It was at the tail end of my emergency session.
“Did you ever identify that fear?”
I sat forward, with my elbows resting on my knees. The palms of my hand massaged my forehead. I nodded again. “Um…” I sat up to look at her. “Yeah, maybe.”
She cocked her head to the side. “Maybe?”
I let out a heavy sigh. “Ninety-nine percent of the time I felt like a fraud. Like I said, they wanted me better, so that’s what I showed. So...I...I guess my biggest fear was having someone see through the facade. I feared...I fear being vulnerable.”
“What does that word mean to you?”
I sat back, pulling my knees to my chest. “Being weak, incapable of taking care of myself. All the stuff I said last week...I thought if they knew it’d be more pity, and disappointment.”
“You keep saying ‘they.’ Who is they exactly?”
I shrugged. “My parents. Macy.” I looked at the ring on my finger. I thought about what he’d said when he gave it to me. The promises he’d made. “Malcolm. Him more than anyone, actually. He went into this thing with me under false pretenses. Thinking I was a different person. A better person. A stronger person than I actually am.”
“And now?”
I looked up at her. “Huh?”
“Does Malcolm know differently now? Have you allowed him to see the person you consider to be the real you?”
I gave a curt laugh and nodded. “Yeah. Not intentionally, but yeah he knows.”
“So, you’ve showed him your vulnerability.”
I nodded.
“And how did he react? Was he disappointed in the real you?”
I shook my head. “He was upset that I felt like I had to hide things.”
“That’s understandable. You have a good support system, Calida. You need to utilize them.”
“You sound like him.”
She smiled. “It takes a strong person to let others see you at your lowest.”
“I guess, but it doesn’t feel that way.”
“It never does.”
Chapter 44
Malcolm
I finished off my beer. “What the fuck, man? It’s like I’m playing with a bunch of babies.” I complained, watching as another one of my teammates walked right into enemy fire.
At this rate, I’d be completing this mission on my own.
I took out another opponent. “Woo! Another one bites the dust. G, man, you see that? I got this mission on lock.”
I was nearly to the destination when a reflection appeared on the TV screen. “Oh shit!”
I looked back to see Ginger standing in the kitchen with Shawn. G started cussing at me through the headphones.
“Fuck, man. My bad. Gotta go.” I exited the game while he was still cussing, and took off my headphones.
She put Shawn down, and he came running over to me.
“What up, buddy?” He balled up his little fist to give me a pound.
I strode over to Ginger, putting my hand on her lower back, I leaned down to give her a kiss. “Did I miss a call?”
She shook her head. “Sorry for just showing up.”
“Baby, never apologize for coming over. You caught me a little off guard, but I’m more than happy to see you.”
My phone started buzzing on the table. I knew that was probably G, wondering why I bailed.
“You gonna answer that?”
“Nah. It’ll just be a pissed off G.”
“Did I get you killed?”
“Just a lil bit, but it’s all right.”
Shawn fought to get down. He made a beeline for the controller and started banging it on the table.
“Shawn, no.” She pulled toys from the bag on her shoulder as she walked over to him. “Here. You can’t play with Malcolm’s expensive toys.” She pried the controller from his fingers, giving him some toy trucks as a trade.
“First, it’s a remote, not a toy. And it’s not all that expensive.” I walked over, picking up my headset to move it out of his reach. “I’d like to not have to replace this, though. Got it in China. They don’t sell this model in the states.”
She shook her head, laughing. “Like I said, expensive toys.”
I watched her eyes travel down my body as she finally paid attention to my state of dress. Or undress, in this case. I wore only a pair of black boxer briefs.
Her gazed lingered and she pressed her lips together, trying to hide her smile. “Um...maybe I should have called.”
I shrugged. “Doesn’t bother me.”
She diverted her eyes over to Shawn, who was headed to the stairs. “Get back here, you.” She scooped him up, and brought him back to the living room with us. She took a seat on the floor with Shawn. “Do you always spend your Saturday afternoon in just your underwear?”
“If I don’t have plans, and not expecting visitors. Make yourself at home.”
I ran up the steps to grab a pair of shorts. When I got back downstairs, Ginger sat on the couch with Shawn on her lap. He drank water from his sippy cup while they watched some kid show. I took a seat beside them, resting my arm on the back of the sofa. I caressed the back of her neck.
She looked over and smiled. “Guess I’m really messing up your day. Got you killed, now you had to put on clothes. Lazy day just ruined.”
Shawn shifted on her lap, turning so that he faced her. He reached out, handing his cup to me, before laying his head on her chest.
“Someone looks tired.”
“Yeah. He didn’t get his nap. We were out shopping.”
“For what?”
“I figured I needed to finish furnishing your place before you fired me.”
“No chance of that happening. You work for free.”
“Ha. That’s what you think. The bill’s in the mail.”
Ginger’s smile was radiant. I loved seeing her like this, at ease without her guard up. Relaxed.
“If you’d called, I would have come out with you.”
She laughed and shook her head. “Oh, lord no. We’d still be there if you’d tagged along.”
I frowned. “Take a few hours picking out a couch and you’re stigmatized for life.” I looked down at a now sleeping Shawn. “Want me to take him up?”
She shook her head as she kissed the top of his. “I like holding him. He’s getting so big. Before I know it, he’ll be too grown to want to spend this kind of time with his mommy.” She tightened her arms around his sleeping form.
“Maybe by the time that happens, you’ll have another option for snuggle time.”
Since she’d taken the morning after pill, the topic hadn’t come back up. When she’d called me about the lack of protection, I’d been surprised at first. But damn, the idea of her having my child; I’d been shocked at myself for getting excited over the possibility. Sure, the timing sucked, but we could have made it work. I’d been willing to make it work. But then all I kept hearing was her telling me how I’d ambushed her into the relationship, so I’d tried to take the pragmatic approach. I’d done my
best to not think about it since. It’d been done and there wasn’t anything I could do about that now.
Ginger’s reaction to me hinting around at the idea told me all I needed to know. She pressed her lips together, her brows pinched, and I noticed she tensed. She looked down at Shawn and brushed his hair to the side.
“So, do you want to know what I picked out?”
“Yeah, sure.” I repositioned myself, leaning to grab the TV remote off the table. I flipped through the channels, trying to find anything but the kid’s show that was currently playing.
“Um. I got two bedroom suits. Both queen-sized. That way, when your parents come, they have the option of staying here if they want. One has a really nice, but simple, beige upholstered headboard, the other has a dark mahogany one. A little variety. I, um, also ordered a crib. I mean just in case for times like this. He’s becoming a real busy body, and I just worry he’ll figure out how to climb out of the pack-n-play. He already has tried at home…” She stopped rambling when she saw me laughing at her. “What?”
“You don’t have to explain why. It’s cool. I want you to do his room however you see fit.”
“Right. Sorry. Uh, well the bedroom stuff should be here Tuesday. They gave a delivery window of between nine and one. The crib I ordered online. When it ships, I’ll let you know.”
“Sounds good.”
Ginger slid closer to me before gently placing Shawn down on the L portion of the sofa. I turned the volume down on the TV, having settled on HGTV for her. She tucked her hair behind her ears and shot a side glance in my direction. She sat back against me. On instinct I wrapped my arm around her shoulder.
I tried to focus on the show and not the hand that rested on my thigh. I worked hard not to think about the alluring scent of the perfume that she wore. I wouldn’t let my mind wander with thoughts of kissing her, really kissing her, something I’d refrained from doing for the last week. Every time I wanted to, the memory of last Saturday night came to mind. I knew it wasn’t about me, but that didn’t stop me from doing all I could to avoid being back in that situation with her.
My fingers stroked her arm. I glanced down at her just as her tongue came out to moisten her lower lip. I lifted my other hand to cup her face, causing her to look up at me.
My thumb ran across her mouth. So close. All I had to do was lean down—I swallowed and pushed that thought from my mind. “I’m glad you stopped by.”
She grinned. “I missed your face.”
“Just my face?”
She walked her fingers up my chest. “Well, maybe I missed the rest of you too.” Her hand came up to my face before she stretched up to kiss me.
Only it wasn’t really a kiss; it was more like a tease. Feather soft and over before it started. There was a weird look of nervousness or embarrassment on her face when she pulled away. She turned, focusing her attention on Shawn, who’d flipped over and moved closer to the edge. She moved him toward the back of the sofa and placed a few of the throw pillows in front to box him in.
“How long do I get your company?”
She shrugged. “How long do you want it?”
“At least stay through dinner. I’m a pro at ordering pizza.”
“How can I pass up an offer like that?” She paused, looking back at Shawn. “But, I brought clothes to stay if that’s okay.”
A wide grin spread across my face. “You got it bad. Just can’t stay away from this fine specimen of a man.”
“Oh my god, you’re so full of yourself.”
“Well, baby, if you play your cards right, you can be full of me too.” The words slipped out before I could think about them.
Ginger’s face instantly turned red. She hid behind her hands. Her shoulders shook with laughter. She laughed for a good minute or two, wiping tears from her eyes as she tried to compose herself. “Oh man, I was worried.”
“My bad. I shouldn’t have—”
“No, you should have. It’s you, Mal. It’s how you are. It’s how I want you to be.” She leaned forward and kissed me again.
This time, she wasn’t shy about it, and as much as I told myself to not go down this path, I found myself pulling her onto my lap, devouring her lips the way I’d wanted for the last week. She straddled me. I ran my hand up the back of her neck, holding her in place. The other ventured under her shirt to satisfy my need to touch her skin to skin.
God, I loved this woman and couldn’t get enough of her. I loved everything about her. The softness of her lips against mine. The low moan she let out when my tongue slipped into her mouth. The pink flush that would be in her cheeks. Most importantly, I loved the feeling of her body close to mine no matter what the reason.
When she pulled away, Ginger rested her forehead against mine. We both breathed heavily. My fingers opened and closed on her waist, continuing to stroke her butterfly soft skin.
She bit her lip and smiled. Her hands were on either side of my face as she ran her thumb across my lips. “I was worried you’d never do that again.”
I moved both hands to her hips and gave a squeeze. “I’m trying to be good. To not—”
“I know, but...I need you to be you. My session with Dr. Carr this week made me think. A little while back, when this thing with us first started, she’d asked me to think about what I was afraid of. You’ve pushed my boundaries. It made me uncomfortable and scared. I was mad at you a lot. You pushed, and that scared me.”
“Baby, I’m sorry. That’s what I’m—”
“Let me finish.”
I made the zipped lips motion with my hands. She moved off my lap, but kept our connection by taking hold of my hand.
“This week that question came up again. I told her my fear was being vulnerable. Letting you and everyone see how much of a mess I really am. But I’ve thought about it more since my session, and it’s more than that. I was scared of feeling again, mostly.” She paused, looked down out our hands, then back up at me. “For obvious reasons, I didn’t want to deal. But you were right. I am...was stuck. This is my long-winded way of saying I need you to keep pushing.”
I wanted to interrupt and protest what she was asking of me, but I held my piece to let her finish.
She smiled as if she knew what I wanted to say. “I freaked out, I know, and I can’t promise it won’t happen again. But I need you. You started me down this path. Don’t abandon me now.”
I brought her hand to my lips. “You’re full of surprises.”
“I have to keep you on your toes somehow.”
I reached up to cup her face, and pulled her toward me. Our lips met again.
Chapter 45
Calida
Malcolm wanted to put Shawn down for the night, so I stood in the middle of his expansive room, taking it all in. This house really was perfect. I smiled at the sight of the unmade bed and the articles of clothing scattered about.
Chuckling to myself, I started to pick up the items. For a man that spent as much as he did on clothes and shoes, he didn’t seem to be a fan of wearing them when at home. Not that I minded. My mind could easily stay in the gutter where he was concerned.
After putting his clothes in the hamper, I grabbed for my bag but stopped. I quickly stripped down to nothing then slipped under the covers, pulling them to my neck.
“What the hell am I thinking?”
Just as I started to get up to put on my PJs, Malcolm walked in.
“Does he always take that long to go down?”
I shook my head while silently praying my face wasn’t turning red. “Think he was just excited it was you.”
I gripped the covers tighter, hoping he’d walk into the bathroom to give me a quick minute to get dressed. Instead, he pulled off the shorts he wore and tossed them on the bench at the foot of the bed.
He looked around then back at me. “You picked up again. I’m gonna have to do better or you’ll start thinking I’m a slob.” He gave me a long stare. “Are you cold?�
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I pressed my lips together and shook my head again. I had no doubt I was in full blown blush mode. The lopsided grin that appeared on Malcolm’s face confirmed that. With slow, deliberate movements, he crawled onto the bed. My hands clutched the covers as I slid down in an attempt to cover my face as well. I felt the tug.
“Whatcha hiding under those covers?”
He loomed above me on all fours. With a devilish smile on his face, he placed his hands on the top of the covers on either side of mine. Uncontrollable nervous laughter erupted from me.
Malcolm started laughing in response. “What’s up with you?”
I pressed my lips together in an attempt to get myself under control. He let go of the covers and sat back on his legs. Closing my eyes, I let out a slow breath then released the grip I had on the blanket. As soon as I did, the covers began a slow journey down. The cool air hit my breasts. The covers stopped moving. I opened my eyes to see Malcolm staring at me. I dared not let my eyes go lower than his face.
“When in Rome?” I squeaked out.
I waited for him to say something. Instead, he shifted so that he was above me again, on all fours. Slowly, he leaned down, but kept our bodies separated. He brushed his lips against mine. They trailed down the side of my jaw to my neck. Each kiss was light, barely making contact with my flesh. Beneath my earlobe. The tip of my chin. From one side to the next, taking his time and driving me crazy in the process.
A soft moan escaped my lips when his tongue traced along my collarbone. He placed kisses on my chest between the valley of my breasts. My back arched with need. The aching need to have his tongue on my nipples. Burning desire to have his hands on me, buzzed through my body, but the only contact were his lips. My own hands fisted the sheets in fear of breaking the spell.
My heart rate increased. He shifted. The covers went lower. My stomach now exposed. That ball of nervousness started to form. I closed my eyes, focusing on the good feelings being created. This was Malcolm. My Malcolm. He wasn’t going to hurt me.
His tongue circled my navel, and I shuddered from the contact. Goosebumps covered my body, and I worked hard to not squirm. A light trail of kisses made their way back up my body. The fine hairs of his beard scratched along my flesh, adding another dimension to the sensations. I whimpered.