by K A Sands
“Hey, hey...” I soothed when I clutched her to my chest, pulling her as tight to me as I possibly could. “We’re gonna be okay.” She clung on, hiding her head in my neck. “I got you. I got you, Laura. Always. I promise.”
Her sobs calmed as I walked to the bedroom door. It was time to get out of here. Sirens in the distance gave me comfort and I sent up a prayer of thanks that help was on its way.
Ryder flung another wet blanket over my shoulders and pulled it around the front, tucking Laura’s feet inside. He did the same, wrapping himself up, then led the way. When he opened the door, I could hear the roar of the fire, feel the heat of the inferno as we stepped out onto the landing. The smoke was thicker, and still I saw no flames on the second floor. We were in luck.
“Hold on tight, baby.”
The stairs were still intact, and Ryder motioned towards the top, he grasped behind him and reached out for the front of the blanket around Laura. Grabbing hold, he led us down the stairs, carefully, one step at a time. There were flames in the hallway, one side of the wall seemed like a cascade of fire, but I could see the door too. I prayed the wet blankets were enough to keep Laura safe as Ryder kept moving forward, tugging us as he quickened his pace.
After ten or so of the longest steps of my life, we were out, Ryder leading us away from Laura’s burning house. I collapsed to the ground on a neighbour’s front lawn with Laura. Taylor was there a second later, screaming hysterically.
“Get off her!”
She tried to pry Laura from my arms. I held fast, not letting go. Ryder wrapped his arms around her and hauled her away while I sank into Laura.
“She’s okay, she’s okay,” he told her time and time again. Taylor eventually quit her struggling and began to cry harshly on the grass beside us, her hand snaking out and resting on the sodden material of my sweat pants.
Laura didn’t move, didn’t look at anyone. She crawled deeper under the blanket, deeper under my skin, grasping at me tighter. My arms did the same, I held her closer, too tight. I held her for all my life was worth, ignoring the commotion around me.
I wasn’t letting her go for anything.
Laura
Contrary to everyone’s belief, I didn’t hate hospitals. The sterile environment was pleasant, once you got away from the ER. I was used to hospitals. As a kid, I’d broken a bone or two, and then, well...Adam happened. Hospitals were not fun places to be until you got in that room - it became quieter, peaceful. I was craving the solitude.
I didn’t want to sit and listen to Taylor’s crying or Lucca’s angry shouts, Ryders oppressive silence. I didn’t want the inevitable break down my mother would have, or the pity from my father when they arrived. I especially didn’t want the constant barrage of doctors and nurses poking at me and asking questions. I wanted to be left alone. I’d been harassed enough. The cannula in my hand smarted with pain and the doctor hovered, no doubt trying to coerce me into doing the rape kit test. I’d refused more than once, and I’d been lucid enough to decline, what was the point? The man was dead. There were no charges to be brought.
Adam was dead.
His demise would take a while to sink in, I wanted to do it in the tranquillity of a silent room with no outside distractions. In a weird way, I had to grieve. I’d lived in such a way all these years, to know I was free of my shackled past would take time to process. Because honestly, I didn’t know how to live without paranoia and fear being my constant.
For the time being, my own company was all I pined for.
A nurse, a kind nurse, pulled back the cubicle curtains and stepped inside, her easy features mellowing my shitty mood. “How’s your face feeling, darling?”
She’d been the first to attend when I’d been wheeled through the doors, and for whatever reason, she was sticking close by, being nothing but understanding and patient.
“Sore.”
Nurses were angels in the worst of times, shining beacons lighting the dark for battered souls such as myself. I touched my fingers to my throat, hopeful there was no permanent damage. For someone who hadn’t wanted to hurt me, Adam had done a bang-up job doing just that.
“Are they still there?” My voice sounded cracked and broken, even to my ears.
“Yes, you want them to come on back?”
“No, not really.”
She fussed around with the pulse oximeter that was attached to the end of my finger, checking numbers, satisfied enough to remove the thing once finished. “I can send them away for you, sweetheart. If that’s what you want?”
It was selfish. They were here because they cared and were worried. All I wanted to do was hide for a while longer. There’d be no sending Taylor away, she’d need to see with her own two eyes I was still in one piece and okay. She’d never forgive me if I didn’t let her back.
“My sister...”
The nurse sensed my hesitation and placed her hand over mine. “Just your sister. Five minutes, then I’ll shift them.”
I was so very grateful she understood my needs so easily. She left, returning two short minutes later with a sobbing Taylor in tow. “Five minutes,” the nurse warned. “She needs to rest.”
Taylor ignored the command, rounding the bed, pushing her hand into my unbandaged one. Tears slipped from her eyes, not the first of the night by any means.
“Laura...”
“I’m okay, Taylor. I promise.”
“I thought I’d almost lost you again.”
Of course she did. My greatest fear was losing the other half of my heart, I couldn’t imagine how she felt having almost bared witness to it once, never mind twice. The first time had been awful enough. I had no clue what to say to her, how to console her or assure her I was fine. I didn’t know how to make her tears stop. I lay in the bed and closed my mind to it all. I’d deal with it another time. Tomorrow.
“Lucca’s still here,” Taylor said as she wiped my hair from my forehead. “He wants to come in for a minute.”
“Not tonight, Taylor.”
I felt her hand tighten, she wisely said nothing. Did she think I was being too harsh? Uncaring? That wasn’t the case at all. ‘I’m tired,’ was the best I could come up with, it would have to do.
“I’ll stay...”
“No. Please...go home.”
The curtain pulled back and the nurse motioned to Taylor. “Time’s up, I’m afraid. You can come back in the afternoon. It’s 4am, go home, get some rest.”
Taylor’s shoulders slumped, another few tears rolled down her face. Letting go of my hand, she swiped a kiss across my nose then left. Oh boy, I’d hurt her feelings, big time. The nurse’s name tag read Vicki and I had to remember to thank her when I left, with a bunch of flowers.
“I’ve got a lovely, quiet side room upstairs with your name on it, Laura. You fancy that, darling?” My words stuck in my throat, much like the screams in my head. “Come on then, let’s take you up and get you settled down for a while, yeah?”
She kicked off the brake on the bottom of the bed and wheeled me from the room, down the noisy ER corridor. I laid back and watched the strip lights passing overhead as Vicki whisked me away to serenity for a few hours. Thoughts of Adam filling my head instead of Lucca.
Taylor
Laura stared vacantly at the walls, at the ceiling - anywhere - but me. Never at me. I felt like I’d lost her all over again, in an entirely different way. I didn’t know if I could pull her back this time. I didn’t know if my sister’s nightmare was ending or beginning. Whoever had pointed their finger at Laura and decided to throw all and sundry at her, decided she hadn’t already been through more than her fair share, was a mean old bastard. Why heap more hurt on her? To what end? I was angry, so very angry for her, the only person to blame; dead.
I knew, I knew things hadn’t been right. As soon as Lucca had called, my blood had run cold. I’d already had my coat and shoes on by the time Ryder was calling his friend back. My legs wouldn’t carry me fast enough as I ran; the air stolen from my
lungs long before I’d picked up my pace. When I’d seen the smoke coming from Laura’s house, I’d thought someone was playing a cruel joke on us. Just a few short days before, life had been good. Now, broken pieces scattered everywhere. We were a clip from a bad movie with no happy ending in sight.
The photographs that appeared in my email the morning after compounded the horror story we seemed to perpetually live in.
I needed Laura, she needed me, it was all that mattered for now. The rest of the shit that had fallen on my lap the day after the fire, could wait. Ryder could wait. Dealing with it all could fucking wait. I couldn’t bring myself to care enough about it.
Looking over at Laura, she was sleeping, still. Her breaths were shallow, her face relaxed. The nurse Laura had been blessed with assured me there’d been no nightmares, a small mercy given the situation. Was that good or bad? She wasn’t showing any emotion at all and to me, that didn’t sit right. She hadn’t talked about the fire. Not to me, not to Lucca, not to the police. She hadn’t talked at all. When she was ready, she would, but right now her silence was cutting too deep. For the first time in her life, she wasn’t confiding in me and I was taking it badly.
“You good, kiddo?” Our dad asked as he entered the room. Walking to Laura, he leaned over the side of the bed and swiped a kiss across her head. “We can take her home soon. There are some conditions though.”
“She needs to eat and talk.” I surmised.
“Yes, that needs to happen first.”
He sat down in the chair next to me, lifting my hand and kissing my fingers. I warmed at his affection. Our father loved us, had always shown us physically, shown us how loved and special we were. He made up for our mother’s lack of attention with his hugs and kisses. I didn’t doubt she loved us too, but she wasn’t affectionate, never had been. Our relationship was different than the one we shared with my dad. He picked us up every single time one of us fell and he was still doing it. I didn’t know where we’d be without him.
“Where’s mum?”
“She’ll come back later, went to sort a few things.”
Our mother couldn’t handle seeing Laura this way. She’d seen it before and it broke her, she wasn’t as strong as our father and she had no desire to see the aftermath again. My mother wouldn’t come back, not out of meanness, more her own self-preservation.
“Thank you, dad.”
“You never have to thank me, Taylor. I’d do anything for you girls, your mother too. Lord knows some fucker decided you both drew the short straw in life. I’m not okay with that.” He stared fixedly at me, his eyes full of resolve. “Every time...every time, I will pick you all back up if I can. You’re both great girls, this shouldn’t be the way you live your lives.” I tried to smile at him, the curve of my lips feeling all wrong on my face. “Have you spoken to him yet?”
He knew my struggle with Ryder, I’d required a confidant and there was no better than my father. In a moment of weakness, I’d laid it all at his feet, shown him the emails I’d received, then slapped him with a whopper. I had decisions to make even if I didn’t know how to make the right ones. I looked at Laura again, sadness taking hold.
“No, not yet.”
“Taylor,” he eyed me, “you need to talk to the man.”
He was right, always right, there was no forever and a day with this one. How did you talk to someone you could barely look at? Sadness gave way to guilt. “I know.”
“This one doesn’t go away.” There was so much truth in his words, I gulped at the meaning.
“No, it doesn’t.”
“That man worships the ground you walk on, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. The same way Lucca does Laura. He deserves some answers.”
I gazed over to the bed at the mention of my sister’s name and startled at the warm, brown eyes regarding me intently. Her face was pallid but for the green and purple bruises marring her face. What had been done to her was a sin. Tears welled in my eyes again, I couldn’t seem to keep them at bay.
“I’m not going home with you, Taylor.”
Her croaky voice startled me far less than her words. I gaped, not understanding her reasoning. Standing, I approached the bedside, unsure of myself, unsure of Laura. She reached out her bandaged hand and I took it in mine, missing the supple skin of her palm. I was careful not to squeeze. She held strong, like she always did, but there was defiance there too. I admired this woman’s strength more than anything in the world. Laura was one in a million and I was lucky to call her my friend as well as my sister.
“I love you.” Her eyes filled with tears and she ducked her head. “But I’m not going home with you.”
Laura
Taylor was miserable, and I was the cause. I’d always been the reason her life stood still. Everything was always about me, for all the wrong reasons. I couldn’t cope with the kid glove treatment, the walking on eggshells approach. I wanted to forget anything had happened at all. Easier said than done, I knew. If I kept up this silent, morose attitude they’d have every right to commit my arse to a psyche unit. Nobody would blame them. Except I didn’t belong there, it wasn’t happening.
We had more than ‘us’ for the first time in ever, we both had a shot at a future that looked rosy. My sister should remember how it was. I so desperately wanted what had been promised and I wasn’t letting Adam take it all away again. Another eight years would not pass me by in despair.
I had a life. A life I was beginning to enjoy and there was no way I was going to be a bystander and watch it slip away another time. Lucca was there if I wanted him, all I had to do was reach out and take it. Adam had stolen enough, he was getting no more of my blood or my tears. I was alive, he hadn’t killed me. It was enough.
“Of course you are.” Taylor let go of my hand and took a step back. “Tell her, dad. She needs to come home.”
I peeked behind Taylor to the kind eyes of my father. He was sitting in the chair at the side of the bed, his relaxed posture telling me straight away he understood. He knew where my head was at, even if Taylor didn’t.
“Dad.” Taylor pushed, never taking her eyes from me.
“Stop it, Taylor. Lucca can take me home.”
“He can’t take care of you like I can. Where is this coming from?”
I’d spent a day in shock, closing myself off, the disbelief heavy. Then I’d spent the next two days reflecting. I hadn’t been ruminating on what happened, that would surely come later. No, I’d contemplated. My life was mine - completely. Only I got to decide how my story would end, only I could decide how to make that happen. Taylor and my family had been my crutch for far too long, I was ready to walk on my own. There were things I wanted, hiding away with my sister would never deliver.
“He will.” I stared my sister down, feeling awful that this would inevitably escalate into an argument when we were all so vulnerable. Emotions already raw. “I need to do this Taylor, to move on. You do, too.”
Lucca had become the deciding factor through all my reflections, all my decisions circled around this man. Not a different crutch, only a different future. I loved him. Was it enough? To love him, and for him to love me? There was a promise of a beautiful time to come, he’d never broken an oath to me yet. I believed I was doing the right thing and held immense hope in my heart for the first time in what seemed like forever.
“This is crazy, Laura.” Angry tears coursed down her flushed face, I saw no will to fight in her bland eyes that glared back at me.
“I’m okay.” For the first time in eight years I could say those words freely and absolutely mean them, no fear winding me taut. “I’m okay.”
The damage and pain Adam had caused would forever mar who I was; my wrists would scar but what were a few more to add to my story? Rather than feel like the shattered person I should have been, I took comfort in the fact I’d won. Adam was gone, never coming back. To decide my own future without the paranoia and dread following me around every corner had me dizzy with expectation.
“Please. Let me take you home?”
I didn’t want to hurt her anymore. I wanted a future for us both, one where she wasn’t my saviour, one where I wasn’t her burden. Life was beautiful, was meant to be embraced and loved, no matter the shitty hand we were dealt. We’re not meant to look in from the outside, we’re intended to be a part of the beautiful things life offered, no matter the ugly thrown our way. I couldn’t live in the space between any more; it was a bleak and desolate place to be. I no longer belonged in that barren wasteland, my muted colours longed to dazzle.
Going home with Taylor and my father would be a mistake. It had to be Lucca.
“I’m sorry.”
I stretched out to Taylor, only for her to shuffle further away from me. I watched her visibly crumble and felt sick to my stomach. Something else was afoot, something I wasn’t privy to. I hadn’t expected her reactions to be so fierce.
“What is it?”
She shook her head and twisted away from me, moving to the door of the room. Without turning back to face me she simply said; ‘I love you.’ Before I could call her, she’d slipped from the room and my heart deflated. I itched to get up from the bed and chase her down, beg her to understand, tell her how much I loved her, how sorry I was.
“Leave her be, Laura.”
“What’s going on, dad?” My concern grew as he looked at me gravely.
“When she’s ready, she’ll come around.”
I grunted at his blatant attempt to waylay me. “That’s not what I meant.”
“I know.” He pulled his phone from his jacket pocket. “Lucca’s coming in a few minutes.” He waved the phone at me. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
Was I?
Yes. Determined appeared the better word. I stayed silent; answer enough for my father.
He stood up and tugged the portable table over to my bed. “You need to eat.” Pulling lids off pots, he grimaced as he pushed them in front of me. “You want out of here? You need to eat, you need to talk. Start now. You look like shit, kiddo.”