I fetched my ever-ready duck-feather duvet from the boot of my car and went through the ritual we’d repeat again and again in pub car parks, lay-bys and country lanes. Sometimes she’d point out places as we were driving. ‘I want you to make love to me there,’ she’d say. I’d pull over, remove the parcel shelf, flatten the back seat, pull the front seats forward and lay out the duvet. She’d wait. ‘My princess,’ I’d say. ‘Your love shack awaits.’ She’d climb in through the rear passenger door, clutching her purple throw, always giggling. We’d undress each other, gasping as bare flesh touched bare flesh. She’d follow me to my house, park at the end of the cul-de-sac, walk up the path clutching a tin of Cadbury’s chocolate biscuits and a bottle of Merlot from Waitrose. She’d hand them over in the hall and burst into tears. ‘I’m sure I was being followed. I can’t believe I’m here.’ She’d take my hand. ‘Take me to bed,’ she’d say. She never sat down in my lounge or entered my kitchen. We’d go from the hall, up the stairs, across the landing and into the bedroom, her Marks and Spencer’s chenille blanket ready to wrap around her naked body whenever she went to the bathroom.
*
1.00 P.M. In bed. Her sitting astride me, throwing her head forward, brushing my flesh with her tumbledown hair. Lots of tears. Life with her OCD husband dominating the conversation – towels hung in symmetry on a heated towel rail, cans of beans stacked uniformly on a larder shelf. ‘Have you seen the film ‘Sleeping with the Enemy’? That’s him.’ Me telling her about Jo-Jo – the ever present Jo-Jo.
10.30 P.M. Alone, tinges of her Beautiful perfume on the edges of the duvet. It seemed like thirty seconds ago she was here, next to me. We’d kissed for forty minutes without a break. Our lips pumped, gorging, hungry for the physical contact. I reached out and touched the rumpled, empty pillow. I could still smell her, taste her.
11.30 P.M. Needing contact. Text first. ‘You awake?’ Gentle prod. Nothing. Press her number. Risky. Four rings. Voicemail. End the call. Lie back and look up at the ceiling. Imagining what she was doing, doing with him. I closed my eyes. I’m walking into a river. Treacle black, icy-cold water moving up my body. And then the drop. Submerge. I hold my breath, fight against my bursting lungs, force myself to stay under, pray someone will look after the cats. I opened my eyes, looked at the phone. Nothing. Stupidity, vulnerability, regret. I felt like a fucking idiot. Bet she knew it was me, smiling as my name came up. Ignoring me. Laughing. Screwing him. What a loser. I closed my eyes again. Back to the river.
*
Poonam’s E-mails to Freddie
4 January 2005 @ 6.42
Hello. This is a test to see if I can recall your address from my memory box. Giving it a go on this cold and frosty morning. X
4 January 2005 @ 10.19
How am I going to handle these emotions? Did Wednesday really happen? Keep thinking I dreamt it, but I have a strong desire for a repeat performance. I wish there was some way of measuring missing you feelings because I am sure I am miles ahead of you. Going to brave the icy weather and go swimming now. Intend to swim a mile. Before you say ‘wow’, I wrote intend. X
5 January 2005 @ 11.54
Do you have any idea of the turmoil in my mind since you stormed into my life? I am trying to come to terms with a life-changing experience. I used to hold such strong views and principles, which you have made me question and call into doubt. I guess this means I will have moments when I seem a little mad. You see, the other part of my life is managing him, playing the role of duty. It is self-inflicted, but I have been playing it for such a long time. Oh, and I have developed a cold sore on my top lip. I cannot wait to see you. X
5 January 2005 @ 15.36
I have just come back from the chemist with Zovirax cream. The pharmacist said I might need some antibiotics, but since I’ve had a kissing offer from you I might give them a miss. Your prescription sounds much more delicious. Got to go now. More housework and then cooking. X
6 January 2005 @ 21.37
I want you to know that I am helplessly and hopelessly in love with you. No matter what fate the future holds for us, this fact will always remain. In my ideal world I would begin the day by being with you, lying in the circle of your comforting arms. But this is not possible and I am left confused and frustrated. No doubt lots of these moments will come our way to test the strength and depth of our relationship. We need to be ready. Some of these moments might be internalised, causing us distress and pain. Anyway, you are never far from my thoughts. I miss you and it’s getting harder to part from you every time we meet. I enjoy every second of being with you and being in love with you. X
7 January 2005 @ 22.25
My doctor has prescribed Aciclovir tablets, an antiviral medicine to prevent repeated herpes infections, especially for people who have low resistance to disease. It took him five minutes to look them up in his little book. I’ll need to double check he has the right tablets. He checked my left ear as well and detected an infection, which he says is connected to my wisdom tooth. My dentist is already keeping a watch on my tooth. To complete my health checks, I now need to have my eyes checked as the computer screen has started to give me double vision. X
8 January 2005 @ 9.43
Sir Lancelot and Queen Guinevere
Have you read this story? Don’t you think there’s something magical about a knight who risks everything, forsakes all worldly pleasures, and gives himself body and soul for one single kiss from his lover? What a ride, a delicious ride that joins them together for all eternity. X
8 January 2005 @ 22.30
You must be patient with me, my lord.
You left me with a challenge this evening… and I can confirm I was brave.
Your Queen of Hearts,
Guinevere X
15 January 2005 @ 20:03
I missed you today. At least yesterday we talked and stole a few moments. I’ve not developed any cold sores yet though. X
18 January 2005 @ 9.46
It felt so hard parting with you yesterday. Cannot wait to be with you tomorrow. I am going out for the day now. Starting with brunch with some people from America and London, then visiting my parents, ending the day at my daughter’s. Hope you have a good day. Love you forever. X
23 January 2005 @ 23.02
I’m not sure what the word ‘maybe’ means to you, but, to me, the word is positive. It is not a ‘no’, but it is associated with hope, possibility, something waiting to happen, something to look forward to when the time is right. Very much linked to bite-size chunks. I know you’re wondering how long this ‘maybe’ is going to last. I cannot answer that question, but let’s enjoy this stage for whatever length of time it takes. X
26 January 2005 @ 6.00
My dilemma: I cannot live with you and I am unable to live without you. This makes me feel confused. My head is full of you at all times even when I am incredibly busy like this weekend. I keep thinking things will get easier as time goes by, but I’m not so sure now. I want to be with you so much at this precise moment, but I know it is impossible. This leaves me feeling down and depressed. Having said that, I am so looking forward to spending a day with you. Each moment will be precious. I cannot wait. X
29 January 2005 @ 23.59
We had so many great moments today, moments which can only happen between us. The way in which we connect in every way possible must be rare and a sign that fate has determined us to be together. I will be counting the days until we meet again. X
15 February 2005 @ 6.29
I miss you so much and I’m not sure how I get through each day. I try to draw some comfort from all the precious gifts you gave me. I kiss them knowing they are connected to you. For moments afterwards I feel able to carry on, but then it hits me again. Much as I hold these objects close to my heart, the pain of missing you does not seem to ease in any way. Nothing can replace you. Sometimes I wonder if you are thi
nking of me in the same way or perhaps you are so wrapped up and absorbed with other people you don’t get a chance to remember our precious moments. I try not to get carried away with these thoughts as they can create all sorts of disturbing images. I am looking forward to meeting up as we planned. X
24 February 2005 @ 12.50
Our room is booked for 9 but you need to come at the latest by 8.45. I so need to be with you. X
28 February 2005 @ 8.01
I do not feel good today. My eyes are streaming so much I am getting blurred vision, plus my body is aching and I’m shivering with a temperature. Above all, no-one is happy with me. I cannot get anything right. I feel like hiding away and letting everyone carry on without me. Anyway, apart from looking for a bit of sympathy from the man I am madly in love with, I want him to increase his intake of vitamin C for the next few days. Please do that for me. I wish I could create a protective bubble around you. X
28 February 2005 @ 9.20
I am sitting in bed crying. My emotions are all over the place, but my feelings for you have never been so acute. Each time we are together I come away more deeply in love than before. X
2 March 2005 @ 15.38
I want to know everything about your dreams and desires. I want us to share adventures, to tell each other stories, to care for each other in every possible way. I want to kiss you from sunrise to sunset. X
2 March 2005 @ 22.18
I so enjoy every moment of being in love with you and being loved by you. When we kiss I am intoxicated and struggle to catch my breath. The sensation is delicious. X
2 March 2005 @ 23.28
Why were you not in my life thirty years ago? I had no baggage then, only dreams to fulfil. Why has fate brought us together now? I wish I had a better understanding of what we had in store. X
4 March 2005 @ 23.49
I have been questioned for several hours by my husband about an anonymous letter sent to him about us. Please always remember I will never regret spending our love-filled moments together, but I do have to part with you. There is a raw pain deep in my heart at my decision to walk away from something so rare and beautiful. You will always be loved no matter how many years I may live. I never realised how hard this was going to be. X P.S. Gutted about not showing you my new sandals. X
7 March 2005 @ 7.50
How can I be okay after what he did to me on Friday? This time I’m unable to get my mask back on and my only explanation for having continuous moist eyes is a lingering cold. I underestimated the impact on me of facing the reality of our situation. When I am with you I enter a fantasy world. A world I desire above everything else – a world that gives me so much warmth and pleasure. And then reality checks in and I find myself in a different place. You came into my life and I started to enjoy being in love with you. You became my guilty pleasure. I began to hope and dream all over again. But now reality. We seem to have reached a crossroads. I have exceeded what we can do together by being discreet. I cannot give you more commitment and saying that causes me great pain. You deserve so much more. You are a wonderful human being and whoever gets you on a permanent basis will be the luckiest woman alive. Unfortunately, and with deep sorrow, I have to face up to the fact that that woman will not be me. I will never regret our time and will always remember our precious moments. Every second I spent with you was glorious. You will remain in my heart for as long as I live. I will love you forever. X
7 March 2005 @ 16.57
Someone has sent another letter to my husband and supplied evidence of our relationship. I am not in a good state and feel very scared. Could you call me? I could do with a chat. X
7 March 2005 @ 17.21
I think my phone is playing up. I’m desperately trying to delete my e-mails to you. Cannot believe what is happening. X
9 March 2005 @ 14.52
Just to let you know my Blackberry is being looked at due to so many problems. I’m a bit nervous because of all the e-mails I’ve sent you. I’ve deleted them, but I know they can be retrieved. I will let you know when we can e-mail each other again. X
9 March 2005 @ 19.12
My e-mail problem has been rectified. I had to ask my son for help, which caused me a lot of stress. I might not be able to see you tomorrow because I have been affected in lots of ways by what has happened. Please be patient with me. X
10 March 2005 @ 19.30
Let’s meet in the car park. I am having major panic moments. X
10 March 2005 @ 19.34
Please confirm which car park. X
11 March 2005 @ 18.33
Nothing came in the post today, but someone keeps calling the house and hanging up. X
11 March 2005 @ 20.29
I cannot e-mail for long. I’m hidden away in the bathroom, but I’ve been summoned downstairs to answer questions. X
11 March 2005 @ 22.34
I am so frightened and upset. I don’t know how all of this is going to end. I feel the love has grown between us, but there are too many people and other things involved. I feel exposed with all the details people seem to know about us and our meetings. X
14 March 2005 @ 16.33
I don’t know what to do. My choice is letting everyone in my family down to start a new life with you or sacrificing you for the sake of everyone else. I have all my life been conditioned to care and put my family first. This may appear odd to you. I am so unhappy, confused and desperate. Whatever decision I make will bear a price for a long time to come. I feel very torn. X
15 March 2005 @ 8.35
I am counting the hours until we can kiss and hold each other again. I want to taste every sweet part of your adorable mouth. Your kisses are a tonic which I need for my survival. Prepare yourself for a non-stop kissing session. The hunger for your mouth is taking over all other desires. X
15 March 2005 @ 15.35
Where are you? I am missing you so much. Your silence is driving me crazy. I cannot wait until tomorrow to be with you. Tell me you are okay and I can calm down. What’s happening to me? X
20 March 2005 @ 22.40
After being with you, every part of me is consumed with your love. It is such a delicious feeling. X
20 March 2005 @ 22.51
I pray that fate will be kind to us. I love you so very much. X
21 March 2005 @ 21.47
I am sitting in a hall surrounded by crowds of people, but I feel so alone. Do you ever think of me when we’re not together? X
22 March 2005 @ 22.14
Arrived back home at six. I cannot shake off this sinking feeling and keep dreading the post coming or the phone ringing. Do not feel good and I know I’m being silly. X
24 March 2005 @ 17.59
If our pub is closed at the time we agreed to meet for coffee, may I suggest you have me instead? The choice is yours. X
24 March 2005 @ 21.46
Why has my heart started to beat so uncontrollably? The anticipation of being engulfed with your love-making is driving me mad with desire. X
10 April 2005 @ 20.37
Where does the time go when we are together? Why does it never feel like I have spent enough time with you? How I wish the clocks would stand still. But time is infinite, my darling. There will always be more time to share our love. Thank you for a beautiful day. X
11 April 2005 @ 21.39
I will never exchange this year with anything else in the world. The year I fell in love with you. X
13 April 2005 @ 16.15
Okay… tomorrow is agreed. I need you to find a quiet spot and we will kiss for one solid hour. Your stamina is under question here, my darling! X
16 April 2005 @ 10.48
Sometimes I have a feeling that I shall die without you, no matter how dramatic this may sound. Let’s grab a moment to steal a kiss or two. Cannot wait to be with you. X
&nbs
p; 17 April 2005 @ 21.45
What an incredible day today was. Thank you for satisfying my craving – very mouth-watering, very liquidating. I also enjoyed every mouthful of the delicious mince pies. Sleep well. X
18 April 2005 @ 22.02
Not having a good evening. It was brewing for days. He started at 6ish, wanting to know what contact I had with you. He said I needed to tell him as he knew people who would tell him the truth. Things have been better in the last few weeks, so I thought. I am okay. Just needed to tell someone who knew my situation and you are the only one I can share this with. Don’t worry. I am determined not to let this affect our lovely relationship. X
19 April 2005 @ 17.04
Some really nice, satisfying moments we had today. Coffee and mince pies was a nice way to end. I love you. X
21 April 2005 @ 10.58
Thank you for the cookie-dough ice-cream. It was exceptionally tasty and this I will remember always with the coffee on the lake experience. Thank you for my gifts. Books which I will cherish and read periodically all of my life. X
22 April 2005 @ 08.37
I have a cold. Already taken the honey you gave me. I feel so alive when I’m with you and you spoil me. Not used to that. X
1 May 2005 @ 07.29
Life is only travelled once, my darling. Today’s moment becomes tomorrow’s memory. Enjoy every moment, good and bad, because the gift of life is life itself. Let the memory of our year bring a lot of happiness in your life. I will always love you. No matter what. X
2 May 2005 @ 23.01
Panic is overwhelming me, and my panic is about me making a fool of myself and walking straight into your arms. I must get myself under control. X
3 May 2005 @ 17.15
My love feeds on your love. You have no idea how much I pine for you. I have never loved anyone the way I love you. X
3 May 2005 @ 21.41
I have been told by him I should be more remorseful for what I did. I should not question anything but just take all of his interrogation. They are all against me here and are ganging up on me. Every time I respond I get shouted down. My son is very angry, banging his fist against the wall. I think I’m losing it now. I don’t know what to do. X
An Extra Shot Page 4