“He doesn’t love me, Hawke. Not really. Fuck, he doesn’t even really know me!”
“And whose fault is that?”
I shook my head in frustration. “So what, I’m supposed to go back to being the good doctor? The man who saves lives instead of takes them? I’m supposed to pretend the last six years never happened?” I snapped. “I’m supposed to overlook the fact that he’s my dead fiancé’s little brother? That I’m the reason his brother is even dead in the first place?”
“If the fact that he was Trace’s brother really bothered you, you never would have touched him,” Hawke said, his voice irritatingly calm. “And if you want to keep playing the martyr and pretend what happened to Trace was your fault, then fine. But damn well leave him the fuck alone then,” Hawke bit out, his anger finally rumbling to the surface. “Because if you’d open your eyes for one goddamn second, you’d see that that man loves you in a way that all the shit from your past won’t change. Can you say the same thing about Trace?”
I was on Hawke before I could stop myself, but he easily sidestepped the blow I’d intended for him. He grabbed me and shoved me back against the side of the house and before I knew it, his forearm was pressed against my neck, threatening to cut off my air supply. Hawke held me there for a moment but never increased the pressure on my neck and despite knowing how lethal he was, I never felt a moment of true danger. He finally shoved away from me. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
I managed a nod but I couldn’t get his last question out of me head.
Can you say the same thing about Trace?
“Can you hang out here for a bit?” I muttered as I rubbed at my throat. Hawke nodded and I pushed past him and began walking across the patio. I snapped out of my reverie long enough to notice the barking coming from inside the house and I turned to see Bullet pawing at the kitchen door. I sidetracked and opened it and then followed the dog down towards the beach. As I began crossing the lawn, I glanced up and saw Seth watching me from one of the windows in his room. Much like the day I’d arrived. And like that day, he turned away from me.
I ignored the urge to go back up to his room and lose myself in his body again and made my way down to the beach. The full moon cast the entire back yard in an eerie glow that matched my mood. I’d been itching for a fight with Hawke just so I wouldn’t have to feel any of the emotions Seth’s words had called forth, but now I was stuck with Hawke’s words instead.
I had no doubt that Trace had loved me but I’d always had a feeling that my love for him was just a little bit…more. There wasn’t one thing I could put my finger on that had made me feel that way. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t ever pressed me for details on my childhood. Maybe it had been that he’d never bottomed for me, even after I’d asked him to. He’d simply told me he didn’t do that, hadn’t ever done it with anyone and that was it. Conversation over. I hadn’t really cared that he’d relegated us to the roles we’d played in the relationship, but his flat out refusal to even consider letting me know him in that way had left me feeling like he didn’t completely trust me.
Not like Seth trusted me.
I came to a stop as the realization hit me. I was doing to Seth what Trace had done to me. I’d taken everything Seth had given me but all I’d given back was the pleasure my body could give his. I knew Hawke was right…Seth was all in. He’d meant the beautiful words he’d said to me, that he’d whispered against my lips as our breaths, our bodies, our souls had connected. I’d loved Trace but I couldn’t deny that what Seth and I had just shared had shattered me in a way that I’d never experienced with Trace.
Guilt rushed through me and I didn’t even make it to my log on the beach before I sank to my knees. A chill went through my bones but it wasn’t from the cold. I’d suffered after Trace had been taken from me but I’d lived. I’d survived. But I knew in my gut that I wouldn’t survive it if I lost Seth. I was in love with him. Plain and simple. And yet it wasn’t. I’d been in love with Trace, but with Seth…God, I lived and breathed for Seth.
Bullet pushed against my hands with his cold nose and I sank down on my ass as he practically crawled into my lap. I wrapped my arms around his big body and buried my face against his fur. I couldn’t help but wish it was Seth I had my arms wrapped around…that I could accept the comfort he’d been offering from the first time he’d followed me down to this very beach after our encounter in his bathroom. But I couldn’t have Seth that way. Not because I didn’t want him but because I knew Hawke was wrong about one thing – there was no way Seth could love me enough to overlook all the things I’d done since I let his big brother die.
* * *
I hadn’t expected Seth to wait for me the next morning like he usually did, especially since I’d overslept and was running ten minutes late. But he was sitting patiently at the kitchen table, the travel mug he’d bought from a coffee shop that we frequented on the way home from the office sitting in front of him. He looked as bad as I felt and I had no doubt he hadn’t fared much better than me in the sleep department.
“Would you mind driving today?” Seth asked as I reached his side. I wanted so badly to lean down and tip his head back for a kiss, that I actually fisted my hand behind my back in a desperate hope the move would somehow prevent me from grabbing him. I took the keys with my other hand.
“Sure,” I managed to say, though my voice sounded raspy.
I hadn’t returned to the house until almost four in the morning. I hadn’t seen Hawke but I’d known he was around somewhere. I’d glanced up at Seth’s window as if expecting him to be standing there waiting for my return. He hadn’t been.
It wasn’t until we were on the ferry that I finally broached a subject I’d needed to speak with Seth about, but that I’d put off after the awkwardness that had occurred after I’d fucked him in his office bathroom the day before.
“I’d like to come to New York with you,” I said, though I kept my eyes on the approaching mainland. Seth and I were standing in our usual spot on the upper level of the ferry.
“Okay.”
It was the answer I’d wanted but the tone in his voice made my heart sink. Dejected, dull…lifeless.
I’d done that to him. He’d done nothing but give and I’d shit all over that because I was too much of a fucking coward not to give him back what he deserved.
“You told Dr. White it was a chartered jet.”
Seth nodded. “Stan knew I wouldn’t be comfortable on a commercial flight so he suggested it. He said we could take it as a business expense but I’m going to pay for it myself. Stan’s flying out a couple days earlier…he’s got family out there.”
We were both silent for a while. I hated that Seth wouldn’t look at me. I hated that he wasn’t the same Seth he’d been just twenty-four hours ago. Laughing, joking, making fun of the fact that he kept kicking my ass at Tetris.
“Seth, about last night-”
“You don’t have to explain, Ronan. I shouldn’t have pushed so hard.”
“Seth…”
“Please, Ronan, don’t. Okay?” Seth whispered, his voice thick with what I suspected were unshed tears. “Just don’t.”
I forced the knot in my throat down with a hard swallow as I watched Seth turn away from me and head for the stairway that led to the lower level where the cars were. I waited a few minutes and then followed. I didn’t speak to him again and once we arrived at his office, I used an empty cubicle nearby to check my email and make a decision on which security firm to go with. When I went to Seth’s office to check on what he wanted to do for lunch, his assistant informed me that he was meeting with Stan and that he wouldn’t be available for the rest of the afternoon.
I busied myself with looking at the latest information Daisy had sent me, but for the first time that I could remember, I struggled with making any decisions about how to move forward with the case she had outlined. It was as straightforward as they came. The man had been accused of killing two lit
tle girls after abducting them from their homes in the dead of night. He’d escaped prosecution on the first case because the witness lineup had been tainted by an overzealous detective. He’d been convicted of the second murder, but had escaped from custody while being transferred to prison. Daisy had managed to find him after pictures of him and one of the victims surfaced on the Deep Web – the arrogant fucker had posted the pictures himself in a private chat room for pedophiles that Daisy had hacked. She’d then used the IP address to find his location. Ironically, he was less than an hour’s drive from Whidbey Island, which meant I was the closest operative besides Hawke to take him out. I knew what needed to happen but what was bothering me was the fact that I didn’t want to do it myself. Not because the idea of killing the fucker bothered me in any way…no, my reasoning was much more personal than that.
“You ready to go?”
Seth’s voice startled me. I glanced at the clock on my laptop and saw it was well past the time we normally left the office. I nodded and shut my computer down.
As we made our way to the elevator, I debated whether I should try talking to Seth again about the night before, but he made the decision for me when he stepped onto the elevator car behind me and promptly moved as far away from me as he could get. My stomach sank when I realized that would be his reaction if and when he found out what I did for a living these days.
I followed Seth off the elevator but nearly slammed into him when he stopped suddenly in front of me. I immediately looked around to see what had frozen him in place, at the same time that I stepped around him to shield him. My gun was drawn by the time I searched out what he’d been looking at. Seth’s car sat exactly where we’d left it, but all four tires were flat and even from where we stood, I could clearly make out the words spray painted in red along the side of the car.
Cocksucker.
I searched the rest of the garage for any signs of life but there was no one. I knew whoever had vandalized the car couldn’t have done it long ago or someone would have reported it by now. I took Seth’s hand in mine as I approached the car and tested the paint. Sure enough, it was still wet.
I heard a muffled wheeze behind me and saw that Seth was struggling to draw in air. I knew he was hyperventilating because his whole body was shaking and he was shockingly pale. “Baby, look at me,” I said as I tucked my gun in my waistband and put my hands on his face. “Hold your breath, okay?”
Seth shook his head violently.
“I know it’s scary but I need you to do it.”
After a few more unsuccessful attempts to draw in air, Seth did as I said and held his breath. I counted slowly and methodically before I told him to release it. I promptly repeated the process and continued to do it until I saw the color start to return to Seth’s face.
“Better?” I asked.
Seth managed a nod but he was still shaking as his eyes skirted back to his car. “Hold on to me,” I said as I took his hand in mine while I reached for my phone with the other one. I led Seth back to the elevator as I waited for the police to pick up. Unlike our elevator ride down to the garage, Seth refused to leave my side and he was gripping my hand with both of his. Once I had given the police the building address, I hung up the phone and turned to Seth and pulled him into my arms. He went willingly and I didn’t feel my own body relax until he finally wrapped his arms around me.
* * *
It took several hours to talk to the police and arrange to have Seth’s car towed to a mechanic after the police finished dusting it for prints. The officer had questioned us in the garage near the car which had made Seth edgy again, but I’d managed to keep him settled by holding on to his hand. When the officer had asked what we wanted done with the car, Seth had been adamant about not wanting to ever see it again. It was a clear indication that though he was holding it together, he was struggling to do so.
I’d called Hawke to tell him what had happened because I wanted him to be on alert in case whoever had vandalized the car decided to go after Seth at his house. The officer had been certain it was just kids messing around and I hadn’t bothered to correct him. The vandalism wouldn’t be much more than a blip on the cop’s radar…to me it was yet another warning that Seth was being targeted.
It wasn’t quite dark by the time we arrived back at Seth’s house. Seth hadn’t said a thing once we left the city and he’d folded in on himself once he’d collapsed in the passenger seat of the rental car that I’d had brought to his office. Several people had seen the commotion in the garage as they were leaving work for the day and many of them had been Seth’s employees. The cops hadn’t bothered to cover up the vile word scrawled on the car so there was no way for Seth to escape the humiliation of it all. Even Stan had come down to investigate and console Seth. And then he’d announced to everyone within hearing range that he was expediting the process of having a security firm come in and monitor things.
I wanted to punch the fucker in the throat.
Since I’d forgotten to grab the opener for the gate from Seth’s car before leaving, I had to enter the code into the keypad. The gate opened and I drove through but I waited until I was sure it had closed behind us before driving up to the house. I knew the security for Seth’s house would be next on my list. As big as the property was, there were just too many points of entry for someone to access the grounds. Putting a fence around it was the first line of defense, but he’d need some other security measures as well. If I had my way, he’d hire himself a couple of full time guards to monitor the property.
Because I wouldn’t always be around to watch out for him.
Hawke was sitting on the steps leading up to the house when we arrived. Seth finally realized we were home and got out on his own, but he seemed stiff and uncomfortable as he made his way to the door.
“You okay?” Hawke asked, his voice surprisingly gentle as his eyes met Seth’s.
Seth nodded. I could hear Bullet barking inside excitedly and it was on the tip of my tongue to ask Hawke why the dog was inside when Seth said, “I’m just going to let him out.”
Hawke carefully grabbed Seth by the arm before he could reach for the door. “Just a second, Seth.”
“What?” Seth asked. “What is it?”
Hawke’s eyes shifted to mine and I went on alert. I could tell he had something he needed to say. “It’s okay. You can tell us both.”
Seth seemed confused and he took a few steps back so he was standing next to me. We watched as Hawke rose. As he stood, he grabbed a plastic baggie that had been sitting on the step next to him. “I found these down by the gate a little while ago.”
Hawke handed me the bag and I sucked in a breath when I saw what it was.
“Is that…hamburger meat?” Seth asked.
Hawke merely nodded, though his eyes remained on me. I used my fingers to maneuver the baggie to separate one of the chunks of meat. I barely held back a string of curses at the sight of the green pellets that greeted me.
“What…what is that?” Seth asked as he leaned over to get a better look.
“It’s rat poison,” Hawke responded.
Seth snapped his head up. “What?”
I handed the bag back to Hawke. “It was meant for Bullet, Seth.”
Seth seemed confused for a moment and then he shook his head. He automatically started towards the door but Hawke stepped in his path and grabbed him by the shoulders. “He’s fine, Seth. He was with me the whole time. He never ate any of it.”
Seth managed a shaky nod and Hawke released him. “Why?” he asked. “Why would someone do that?” Seth looked at me. “I don’t have any neighbors so his barking couldn’t have bothered anyone. And he never leaves the property…”
Hawke saved me from having to answer and I was supremely grateful because I struggled with having to tell Seth the truth.
“Whoever it was wanted Bullet out of the way so it would be easier to get to you.”
It took a minute for Seth to comprehend Hawke’s words and he sa
nk down onto the steps. “Oh God,” he whispered. I moved to sit down next to him. His breathing was sketchy but he hadn’t escalated into a full blow panic attack yet. “You were right,” Seth murmured as he looked at me.
“No one touches you, remember?” I said firmly. Seth studied me for a moment and I knew he was remembering my words from the day before when Abernathy had gone after him. He finally nodded and then stood and headed for the door.
“I should go get dinner started,” he said numbly.
“Keep Bullet inside,” Hawke said. “I want to check the grounds again. You should probably keep him on a leash for the next few days when you take him outside.”
Seth managed a nod and then he was pushing into the house.
“Fuck,” I snarled as soon as the door closed.
“It was close, Ronan. Bullet saw the meat before I did…if he wasn’t as obedient as he is, he would have eaten all of it before I could have stopped him. I wouldn’t have even known what it was.”
I scrubbed my hands over my face in a vain effort to get control of myself.
“Any idea who’s behind this?” Hawke asked.
I shook my head. “There are a couple guys it could be. His piece-of-shit therapist, but I’m not sure he has the balls to pull this off. He had a run-in with this union president asshole yesterday. Only the guy didn’t have a problem with Seth until the news about the possible sale of the company leaked a few days ago…And I don’t believe for a second that the mugging or Bullet getting shot was a coincidence.”
“I think we should bring some more guys in. The property is too big to maintain a completely secure perimeter with just one person.”
Salvation (The Protectors, Book 2) Page 17