“Si, il mio amore.” He smiled. “I learned to dance from the only person I could ask, other than you.”
I shook my head, unable to fathom who he could have asked.
“I asked Saxon, Bren.” He looked at me closely.
Jake always managed to shock me, but this was way beyond. I stopped cold on the dance floor, creating a sudden traffic jam, but I didn’t care.
“What? Saxon? Why Saxon?” I felt nervous, though there was no real reason to feel that way.
“Do you remember the day I tried on my suit?” He gathered me back into his arms and moved me out of the way of the oncoming dancers.
“Yes,” I said, my voice soft. The day I wanted to tell him about his father. How could I forget it?
“And you knew about my dad. I could see it on your face.”
I stopped again, and now the other couples were starting to mutter with annoyance. It was just bad dancefloor etiquette on my part. Jake led me out of the ballroom, to the now-full gardens where our classmates were in various stages of full on grinding and face sucking. Jake led me to a more secluded section.
“I wanted to tell you,” I rushed. “I really did. But I didn’t think it was my right. It was Saxon who told me the whole thing. I didn’t know what to do about it, Jake. I’m so sorry.”
He took my hands in his and kissed my knuckles. “Don’t be sorry. I get it. I get all of it. The truth is, I’ve known for a long time.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I was blown away. Totally and completely at a loss. He’d known? All along?
He shrugged. “How do you talk about something you’re not even supposed to know? Plus that, who do I talk to it about? Saxon can’t handle it. My real dad bailed, my mom is dead, and my step-dad probably already feels like he got dealt a pretty shitty hand, so why rub it in, you know?”
“You could have told me,” I said, not really sure if I wanted to hear why he hadn’t told me.
“I thought about it. But when I thought about your situation, I figured you’d be the last person who I could tell about it. Once I knew about your real dad, it helped me let go.”
“Of what?” I moved closer to him on the little bench.
“Of this idea I had that there was someone out there who really loved me. God, that sounds so fucking sappy. But my mom, whatever crap Saxon says, my mom loved me. She was just kind of irresponsible. And my step-dad stepped up, but he can’t love me, and I really don’t blame him. So I had this idea that my real father would give a shit about me. Which makes no sense, since he never even bothered to admit I existed.”
“So you want to meet him?” I put an arm around his waist. He put his arm around my shoulder, and I leaned my head on his chest.
“I did. Then I met you. And I realized that everyone gets dealt a hand, and mine has been parentally shitty. But I think that maybe my crappy family luck got balanced out, since I got you.” He kissed my forehead.
I don’t think anything anyone had ever said to me made me feel more loved in my entire life. “You think I’m what you got because your mom died?” I could feel the tears in my throat.
“No. I mean, I don’t think she had to die for me to get you. That would be insane. I’m saying that being with you helps me see that I don’t need to have perfect parents. No one gets it all.” His fingers trailed up and down my shoulder and arm.
Then I thought about my great parents and Jake. And even Saxon. I felt a jarring sucker punch of guilt.
It was like Jake knew what I was thinking. “Even you, Bren. Your real dad left you high and dry. But he made room for Thorsten, right? And who could be a better dad than he is?”
“That’s true.” I craned my neck to look at Jake.
“And I want to tell you, about the other girls, but don’t get pissed, okay?” I nodded wordlessly, and he took a deep breath. “They didn’t mean anything because they were just holding a place until you were there. But I didn’t have much, as far as affection went. So a body to sleep next to and someone to hold for a little bit was a big deal for me.”
I realized how he must have gone virtually untouched. No mother to hug or hold or be near. A step-father who was at best only resigned to his unfair fate as provider. Jake had been completely alone and those girls had offered him some comfort the only way he could get it.
I put both my arms around him, trying to make up for all of his lost opportunities. “I’m here. I’ll be with you.”
“I’m hoping you will.” He left a trail of kisses along my forehead.
“When did you figure it all out?” I squeezed him tighter.
He laughed a little. “Saxon tried to tell me a couple of times when we were younger. Once he got out this huge ass hunting knife.” He pulled his hand out and splayed his fingers out wide, pointing to the skin between his thumb and index finger. There was a long silvery scar there. “He sliced our hands up and said we were blood brothers one night when we were just kids. His dad, our dad, I guess, had just left and he was kind of a basket case. Anyway, we fell asleep and I went through his wallet. The picture of the three of them was in there. I knew because my mom had a picture of him, too. She showed me it before she died. So I knew.”
“Are you mad? Or upset?” I looked at his face, but, as usual, it was serene and happy.
“No way. I’m lucky.” He pulled me up and kissed me hard.
“Does Saxon know? That you know?” I whispered.
“No. But it makes it all easier. For me to get a grasp on. I mean, he’s my brother, right? So I can hate him and love him at the same time.” He rubbed his hand on my back in soothing little circles.
“I think he’d be happy if he knew you knew,” I said carefully.
Jake shrugged. “I’ll wait for him to tell me. Saxon’s got a lot of hang-ups. And now that you and I are back together, it’s gotta kill him a little.”
“I don’t want to come between you and Saxon.” I sat up and looked Jake in the eye. “You’re brothers.”
He laughed, that soft, low sound that I loved. “Bren, blood or not, you’ve been the best family I’ve ever had.”
I felt a lump in my throat. “But I screwed up, big time.”
“Well, I can’t really fault you.” He gave me an unreadable smile. “I mean, you have good taste. And these genes must be irresistible to you.”
I laughed a little. “Does it make it weirder for you? That Saxon’s your brother and he and I…”
“I don’t love it,” Jake cut in. “But, it makes it easier for me to understand what the hell you saw in his loser ass.” He paused. “I’m guessing it’s whatever you see in my loser ass.”
And we both laughed, and I finally felt good, light, and happy. We went back inside and danced more and ate and when Jake nudged me out way before the last dance, I was happy to follow. He had one of my mixes in the CD player in his truck, and it wasn’t long before he found somewhere to park. I unbuckled my seatbelt and slid over to his side, kissing him excitedly.
“You look really beautiful tonight,” he said between kisses. “Like Cinderella at the ball. No other girl looked half as pretty as you.”
“You look very hot yourself.” My fingers pried at his already loosened tie. I pulled it over his head and worked his buttons free. I put my hands on the hot skin of his chest, then right over his beating heart. I laid my hair-sprayed, stiffly curled head over that pounding heart. The heart that I protected.
He kissed my sticky hair, moved lower and kissed my forehead, kissed my cheeks, my mouth, my neck. My big blue dress seemed to fill the entire interior of the cab.
“I love this dress. I love that you wore something so pretty just to come out and dance with me.” He batted away some of the never-ending length of tulle.
“I love you.” My voice was thick with the emotion I felt. I loved him so much, my heart bucked in my chest.
Jake laid me down on the long, narrow bench seat and kissed every inch of skin that wasn’t covered with shimmering blue fabric. Since that
didn’t include much of the top half, Jake moved down to the bottom section and kissed my ankles, bound in the silver straps of my shoes. He kissed along my calves, smooth from my extra vigilant pre-prom shave. He kissed up to my knees, which were strangely ticklish, then his head moved up farther, and I couldn’t see anything but misty swaths of blue tulle. He pulled his lips off of my inner thigh and said, “Are you okay?”
I could feel the blood hammering in my head, and I had to swallow hard before I answered. “Yes.” It was high-pitched and didn’t sound exactly like my voice.
“If you don’t want it…just tell me. Okay?” His voice was low and quiet.
Maybe it was all the cloth between us, but I didn’t feel nearly as nervous this time when Jake pulled my underwear down my hips, then over my knees, then around my shoes. His mouth was right at the inside of my thigh, right where the skin was soft and smooth and rarely ever touched. Then he kissed just a fraction higher. I sucked my breath in and felt my hips buck on their own, anticipating what was coming next. I bit my lip a little to contain all of the excitement that was bubbling in me.
“Are you okay?” he repeated, his voice calm and reassuring, a voice I could trust no matter what.
I told him I was, because as nervous as this made me, I was more curious about it, and I knew if there was one person on this earth I would be comfortable exploring my curiosity with, it was Jake Kelly.
“I’ve never done this,” Jake confessed suddenly, his face still obscured by all my dress.
“Never, um, gone down on a girl?” I felt my face pink just from saying it.
“Yes,” he said into the fabric. “I wanted…I wanted my first time to be with you.”
“That’s what I want, too.” I bit my bottom lip again as he rubbed his face against the inside of my leg, his breath hot on my thigh.
Then we stopped talking and his mouth was up higher than my inner thigh, and he kissed me where it seemed impossible that anyone would kiss and it felt incredibly better than I could have imagined, just his lips and me in this entire world. Everything we had ever done before had been just as perfect as I had imagined, but this was a different kind of excellent. I loved the way his mouth felt on me, warm and wet and insistent. His tongue drew along my skin and I wanted to scream out how good it felt. Then he licked quickly and I felt myself sinking into an oblivion that was only Jake’s mouth and my body, laid out in front of him and waiting for him to do whatever he was going to do next. My mind went fuzzy. For a minute the reality of the cool night and the cab of the truck and Jake Kelly and his mouth all rushed back and I almost snapped out of it, but his tongue moved slowly and my mind blurred.
My hands dug at the leather of his truck seat. His hands were around my thighs, his fingers pressed into my skin. I could feel his hair brush against my leg as his mouth opened and pressed against me. There wasn’t enough air for me to breath, and once the air rushed back, I couldn’t pull it into my lungs fast enough. Jake’s kisses became rushed and needy, and after a minute or two it was just complete and total bliss. My body shook from it, and I half sat up, my teeth set against how good it felt.
I cried out in the space of the truck, alone, just me and Jake, the two of us happy and loved and loving, and I didn’t know if it was possible that life could feel better. Ever. When I finally came back to reality, I was in Jake’s arms. We sat together, silent and contented in the long, cool night until it was time for me to go back home, to go back to whatever normal life would be like after we had been so close.
Chapter Twenty-One
One week later, I was scheduled for another hair appointment. I thought it was crazy, but Mom said that since we didn’t spend anything on the second prom dress, it was a deal. Only my mother would come up with that kind of insane logic and manage to trick me into believing it all the way to the salon.
In reality, I loved the time she and I spent together. It was fun to have her fuss over me and gossip with Darlene like we were all grown women. This time my toenails were bright red, to match my dress, and so were my fingernails. It seemed a shame since my French polishes were barely chipped, but Mom just rolled her eyes when I made that point.
This time Darlene went in the complete opposite direction with my hair. She pulled the flat iron through it until it was pin straight and so shiny it shone like glass. I was going to argue that I could have straightened it at home, but when Darlene finished, I realized that I could never have worked the wonders she did. She concocted some kind of magic mixture of creams and gels and brushes, and she had done it all with half an eye on my head, chatting ninety miles an hour to my mother.
When she was done, I was slack-jawed with shock. She combed a really deep side part, and it made my whole face look different. Then she took out a red silk flower Mom brought and fixed it to a bobby pin that she slid in and reinforced with other pins so that it would hold the entire night just over my ear. My makeup was smoky and sultry. It was all very prom appropriate.
Back home, it felt a little like déjà vu. Mom got me into my dress and zipped me up, and I stepped into the same magic silver heels. Thorsten came in to snap pictures, and finally, I heard the crunch of tires in the driveway that sent my heart skipping.
Jake!
Jake was coming to see me off. He was glad I was going, in that resigned, he’s-a-great-boyfriend-so-he’s-not-going-to-worry-at-least-to-my-face way. When he got out of the truck, I was already outside to meet him. He whistled low and long.
“Holy hell, Bren.” He stood next to the truck, immobile. “You look damn fine.”
I ran up to him as well as I could in my column of a dress. “Do you like it? It was Mom’s.”
“Damn you look hot!” He picked me up around the waist and spun me around easily. “Now, I know this is only your second prom and all, so keep in mind, the way we ended our prom night was highly out of the norm. That’s not usually what happens.” He raised his eyebrows sternly.
“I know that,” I scoffed. “It usually ends with sex on the beach, right?”
He swatted my butt affectionately. “You’re lucky you’re cute.” He wrapped an arm around my waist and walked me in. “So who’s this guy again?”
“His name is Nate, and he’s very nice.” I purposefully failed to mention the ‘little crush’ portion of the date.
“Is he single?” Jake’s voice got a little low and mean.
“Yes,” I admitted. “But he knows I’m with you.”
“I’m going to stare him down,” he warned. “No contact, cause I’m not a psycho, but I am going to do a little eyeball intimidation.”
“No you’re not.” I shook a warning finger at him. “Or I’ll dirty dance with him all night to spite your overprotective ass.”
“Alright.” He sighed and pulled me aside for a few hurried kisses before we made it to the front door.
Thorsten and Mom said hello to Jake, and the air in the room was slightly uncomfortable. Mom’s idea of me ‘dating other guys’ didn’t involve Jake showing up beforehand. But I wanted him to see my dress and my hair. It was exciting, and I didn’t like for him to miss it. After a minute of chatting with my parents, I told Mom that I wanted to show Jake some of the pictures I’d put together from Paris.
“Okay.” She didn’t really attempt to disguise her reluctance. “Just remember, they’ll be here soon. You don’t want to hold the group up.”
“We’ll be fast, Mom,” I promised, dragging Jake to my room.
Once we were in, he groaned a little. “She hates me again?”
“She always hated you to some degree,” I said cheerfully. “Look.” It was a big leather scrapbook. I had filled it with black pages and did all of the pictures in black and white with a white border around them. Then I had put them in with little tabs, just like old fashioned pictures would have had.
Jake sat next to me and we opened the book. It started with Jake’s first group of pictures, plus the ones he’d taken but hadn’t put up before I called him to break up.
“They look really good.” He traced a finger along the edges.
We looked at his pictures of me in all the places that he made me go that last day before Paris. Then there were some of the pictures I’d snapped when we landed; a coffee shop at the airport, some road signs in French with the countryside a blur behind them, the view from my dorm window, fresh breads stacked in the windows of a baker’s, a stray cat in front of a fancy iron grate.
Then there were Jake’s angry pictures, including two of Nikki. Those two hurt the most, for me. She looked very posed, doing her pouty/kissy/seductive look. She was in Jake’s room. In his room. That stung hard, but I didn’t like to ignore things just because they kind of sucked. I had learned it was better to just face them, air them in the open, and keep them from being secretive and powerful.
But it still hurt to see them.
“Why would you have put those in?” Jake’s voice was a little sharp.
“Because that’s what happened when I was gone.” I glared at him. “We’re not pretending it didn’t happen, so why not have the documented evidence?”
He flipped the page and there were pictures of Saxon, his tattooed back, him standing in front of my window before we went out.
We looked through the whole thing quietly, then he closed the book and we sat together for a long minute.
“When you broke up with me, I listened to Ethan Frome,” he said quietly.
“The recording I made for you?” What could make the most depressing book in the world even more depressing? Probably listening to a recording of your ex-girlfriend read it while she’s macking it with your brother. Geez, Jake really embraced the Wharton.
He nodded.
“Why would you have wanted to hear my voice then? You didn’t even want to talk to me on the phone.” I twined my hand with his.
“I never didn’t want to hear your voice.” He rubbed my hand with his thumb. “And I did want to talk to you on the phone. But I felt bad that we’d split up, and I didn’t want to give in to you until I’d had time to think it all through. You’re really easy to give in to. Especially for me.”
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