I finally arrive at the criminal court, where it will be decided if Kaylee will remain or be removed from the order of protection, and I find a parking space. I sit in my car, trying to calm the jitters in my legs before entering. I refuse to give Hunter any indication of fear or intimidation when I stand beside him.
It is rare to reflect on my life and to regret my choices, but thinking about everything I have endured with Hunter, to say I regret having ever met him is an understatement. I know it isn’t healthy to hate another human being, but I can’t help it. It was one thing when he was doing things to me, but to turn his aggression towards Kaylee is unforgivable.
At this point, I have no idea what he is capable of. He must get a kick out of terrorizing me, and he will bare at no expense. I hate myself for never reporting any of this to the police when I had the chance.
I close my eyes and live through the screams, the curses, the slaps, the punches, and the kicks from Hunter, and then I hear him screaming at Kaylee. He might scare me, but I must continue fighting for my daughter. I will not rest until the day that we are both free of his abuse.
Still giving my legs time to compose themselves, I realize that I have been worse than a horrible mother. All along, I thought I was doing right by not speaking up about what was going on behind closed doors, afraid of people knowing the truth. Instead, I was teaching my daughter to silence herself.
My legs stop shaking and though I haven’t yet gathered enough courage to get out of my car and face Hunter, I accept that time is not on my side, and I have no choice but to enter the courthouse and face my fears.
Seeing Diane and Julie waiting for me in the seating area calms me. I walk up to them and hug my little gang. We really would take over the world, given the chance. “Thanks for coming, girls! I was afraid I might see Hunter and his lawyer without back-up,” I say.
“Not like I have a choice,” says Julie as she returns my hug, clearly showing that she would be here even if she wasn’t my lawyer.
Diane hugs me and says, “I wouldn’t let you face that creep alone on any day.”
“I know you wouldn’t,” I say.
“Not to spoil the moment,” says Julie, “but as we were sitting here, we noticed a guy who looks like your doctor from the emergency room. We made eye contact with him, but we still aren’t sure if it’s him. He’s sitting behind where we were sitting. On the right. Don’t make it obvious, but check if that’s him.”
I take a quick peek, and a smile creeps onto my face. “That’s him.”
“Oh, did you ask him be a witness?” asks Julie, a confused look on her face.
Diane guesses Nicolas is not here as a witness but as emotional support.
“I didn’t ask him here as a witness. As a matter of fact, I didn’t know he was coming at all. I went to the emergency room a few days ago to pick up the paperwork you told me to get, and since then we have been keeping in touch,” I confess shyly.
In other circumstances, I would think that him showing up unannounced is odd, but we have been getting along very well. It’s been really nice to have someone care about me without having to ask for it. I would have preferred to tell my friends about him at my own pace, but that idea is clearly out the window.
“Don’t be embarrassed, there’s nothing wrong with making friends,” Julie reassures me.
“I know I shouldn’t be, but him coming here doesn’t give the impression that we’re simply friends,” I say I can see by the expression on Nicolas’ face that he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. It can be both attractive and repulsive. I just have to decide what I think about it.
“It doesn’t matter why he’s here or what motivated him to be here. What matters is that he is here, and it’s rude to leave baby in the corner as we talk about him,” declares Diane with a chuckle. “Go get him and tell him to sit with us.”
I’m pleased that Diane isn't passing judgment. Not that she ever has. When I reach Nicolas, he immediately stands up to greet me, and whispers into my ear, “You look beautiful.”
I don’t know if it’s true, but I will take the compliment today. I refuse to control myself and I hug him. It would be a sin not to. To make matters worse, he smells like heaven.
“Thanks,” I say.
I should be a bit upset that he showed up here without telling me he would, but somewhere in between our hug and his fragrance, I forgive him.
“You shouldn’t have come here,” I say as I slowly pull away from his embrace.
He looks hurt by my comment. “Why?”
“I feel horrible you dragged yourself out here for this, when I’m sure you have more important things to take care of.”
“Nothing is more important than you, being here for you is the least of what I can do. Don’t make me feel bad about it. Plus, everything else I’ve to take care of can wait until we’re done here,” he replies.
“You’re right, I’m sorry, I’m happy you’ve come. Do you mind sitting with my friends? I don’t want to be rude sitting away from them.”
Nicolas agrees, and we make our way to Diane and Julie. They’re both grinning like high school girls. I refuse to forget why we are here and act as if Nicolas Brady’s presence is the highlight of my day. I admit he has brought a smile to my face, but I have to put my feelings aside. Kaylee’s well-being depends on it.
I take a seat beside Julie and pull out from my bag the paperwork Nicolas gave me. “Do you honestly believe this will help our case?” I ask.
Both Diane and Julie put on their professional faces. “I hope it does,” Julie replies. “All we can do is present it and express why we believe it’s valid to continue keeping Kaylee on the order of protection. Ultimately, it’ll be up to the judge. Let’s not make assumptions about anything. We will wait to hear the judge’s decision. We can take it from there.”
“What are we going to do if he removes Kaylee from the order?” I ask.
“If Kaylee is removed, we’ll request a couple of supervised visits when we go to our hearing in family court. Don’t forget Judge Paine wants to talk to Kaylee with a legal guardian. Regardless of what happens here, she will take Kaylee’s answers to her questions into high consideration before making a decision about custody.”
“I’m afraid to think he might get custody of her if this judge doesn’t see Hunter as a threat,” I admit.
The thought of losing custody of Kaylee breaks my heart. Kaylee needs both Hunter and me, I can’t ever deny that, but being with her father alone will destroy Kaylee. He will continue to put a strain on our relationship. I simply cannot accept that. I have never thought of keeping Kaylee from Hunter the way he has tried keeping her from me in the hopes that she stops loving me. It kills me to think he is selfish enough to hurt our daughter emotionally in this way.
“I doubt he’ll get custody. Of course he’ll get visitation—no court will deny a father the right to see their child—but I think the dispute of custody is out the window. Everything is simply protocol in family court,” says Diane.
“She’s right. I believe the same thing,” agrees Julie. I’m really not worried about this court hearing regarding the order of protection. At the end of the day, all what we want is for Kaylee to have a healthy relationship with you and Hunter. If she’s removed from the order, we’ll take that as a positive step towards a faster recovery of the relationship you both have with her. Remember, the longer Kaylee remains on the order of protection, the longer it’ll take to get the help required for your family, because Hunter will not be able to interact with her.”
They are both right: I have to see the positive side of any outcome. But I can’t help feeling that if Kaylee is removed from the order of protection, she will be in immediate danger and there’s nothing I’ll be able to do about it.
Hunter walks in with his lawyer, and I see them scanning the courtroom for me, as if expecting me not to show up for the hearing. When he spots me, I see the anger in his eyes, but I refuse to look away. I am done with allowing
him to intimidate me.
They both take a seat not too far from us, and I see that he is curious about Nicolas by the way he talks to his lawyer, even though I can’t hear a thing. Hunter doesn’t try hard to be discrete. He continues staring at us. The waiting area seems to shrink and close in on me. I try to breathe as slowly as possible to remain calm.
If he’s trying to frighten me, it’s working.
Finally, we get called into the courtroom. I turn to Diane and Nicolas for reassurance. I felt better coming up with possible outcomes.
We walk into the courtroom and go through all the formalities of the court, and it feels like a life sentence. Hunter’s lawyer and Julie present our arguments and why we strongly agree and disagree with Kaylee remaining or being removed from the order of protection.
When all is said and done, we fall silent, and the judge starts looking through the paperwork and writing things down. Hunter looks as worried as I do, but unfortunately, we have allowed this to happen. I feel we could have avoided this entire situation, but here we are, and there’s nothing either one of us can do about it.
He never tries to look over at me and I know he believes I am trying to keep him from Kaylee.
After what seems like an eternity, the judge looks up at us, and I feel my heart is about to stop beating and I’m going to die. It must be my nerves, because I don’t drop dead and am able to clearly hear the judge’s final decision.
Julie and I walk out of the courtroom, and Diane and Nicolas run up to us, wanting to know what happened. I break down. I can’t imagine my life improving, and I see nothing positive in the judge’s decision. What kind of a mother can’t protect her child from a monster?
Nicolas immediately wraps his arms around me, shielding me from the world. “What happened in there?” he asks.
“The judge ruled Kaylee will no longer be mentioned in the order of protection,” Julie replies. “He believes that since the original police report does not mention Kaylee, there’s no need to mention her in the order. He then gave us another court date to address the actual assault.”
“Honey, things are going to get better. Trust me, don’t let this break you down,” says Diane, patting my back.
My instincts are not wrong, and now more than ever I know that I have made a horrible mistake keeping the dark secrets of my marriage hidden for as long as I have.
And now it’s Kaylee who has to deal with the skeletons of our dead marriage.
Chapter 19
“Hi Brook. I know you don’t want to talk about court stuff, but we do have the family court date coming up, and we need to review what we have and come up with an argument to persuade the judge to give us what we want. Anyway, give me a call when you can, regardless of the time. Love you. And don’t forget, we’re all in this together.”
These are the words in the message in my voicemail. I hit delete. Julie has my best interest at heart, but I don’t care to talk about the upcoming date at family court. I don’t believe anything positive will come from allowing the judge in family court to make a decision when she has no real knowledge of the true circumstances or of my life.
The entire judicial system is ludicrous! How can a person who does not know the people in a case at a personal level be allowed to make drastic decisions that affect everyone for a lifetime? Something isn’t right, but who am I to do anything about it?
I get out of bed and hear my mother talking to Kaylee. I take a deep breath without the feeling of suffocation. I wish I could have my mom home more often—she knows how to make everything right. As I embrace their voices into my heart, I walk down to the kitchen. “Hello, my beautiful girls,” I say as I walk up to my mom and kiss her and then walk up to my princess and kiss her too.
“Hi mommy! Grandma is making us Mickey Mouse pancakes for breakfast,” giggles Kaylee.
“Mickey Mouse pancakes! That sounds delicious,” I exclaim.
Kaylee grabs a piece of paper from the counter and runs up to me, thrusting it excitedly into my face.
“Look mommy, the pancakes are going to look like this.”
“Oh really? I can’t wait,” I say as I pick up Kaylee and start walking around the kitchen with her.
My mother is completely dedicated to the stove. Her presence here takes me back to a time in my youth filled with great memories of pancake breakfasts and Sunday brunches.
“So how’re you going to get the pancakes to look like those in the picture?” I ask laughing.
"I found instructions on Pinterest,” she replies seriously.
We both burst out laughing, knowing we can make a collage of how things look on Pinterest and how they look in the kitchen. My mother has fallen in love with Pinterest ever since I showed her how to use it to find home decoration tips. Now she’s Pinterest obsessed.
“When did you get here?” I ask her. I can joke all I want, but she looks like a professional chef flipping those pancakes.
“Your father woke up at 4 a.m. to get the garbage prepared for sanitation, so I woke up and made him breakfast, got ready and headed over. I think I got here around six.”
“You didn’t have to come so early, mom.”
“I wanted to. Plus you father is going fishing with Mr. Lock. There was no point in staying home alone. I rather be here with my big baby girl and my grand baby,” she says emphatically as she continues flipping pancakes expertly.
“Well, thanks for coming. I love it when you’re here.” I walk up to her again and kiss her cheek. “Kaylee, you have the best grandma in the world.”
“I know mommy,” she replies, wiggling out of my arms to run off and play.
As I begin to prepare the coffee, mom asks, “How are things going, honey? With court and everything else?”
I focus on the coffee. I hate the fact my mother has to watch me suffer. Being a mother myself, I understand how painful it is to watch your child suffer without being able to do anything about it.
“It’s okay mom, same as last time. It’s just exhausting.”
“Let’s hope this time has a different outcome. Our family deserves a good outcome. God won’t forget us. He knows we mean well and won’t fail us.”
I look at my mother smile and pray she is right. I wonder if I should tell her I am having a bad feeling about everything, or if I should keep it to myself.
“What’s wrong honey? Talk to me.”
“Mommy, I don’t want to worry you with anything, but I’m having a bad feeling. Something just doesn’t seem right. I know Hunter is going to act crazy if the judge grants me full custody. It’s like I’m scared to get custody of Kaylee. But that’s the very thing I want!”
“What do you mean, a bad feeling?” She is genuinely concerned.
“I don’t know. I wish I knew what this nagging feeling meant. I didn’t feel this way during the divorce.”
“I think you’re more aware of the consequences of going to court and having someone else make a decision on your behalf. Maybe that’s what’s causing the extra stress.”
“I found out from Kaylee that Hunter has been screaming at her and telling her that she can’t talk about me because I abandoned them.”
I never put much thought into the type of man my father is and how important it is that he respects my mother. I wish I could put a little of my father inside Hunter and make him a more caring person. If Hunter never laid his hands on me, I know we would have been together for a lifetime, but after the many times he did, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I think you need to speak to Hunter. I don’t know when or how, but you two need to communicate and learn how to remain a family. I’m not at all saying get together. I’m just saying both of you have to remember that no matter what, you’ll always be a family. I’m surprised Hunter is behaving that way with Kaylee. But that’s why you guys need to start out on a healthy foundation.”
“I wish I could speak to him too, but he’s so angry with me! Everything always goes back to me choosing to leave him. He doesn’t s
eem to understand that we were in a toxic marriage.”
“Sometimes people can’t see further than what’s right in front of them. It happens, but you must think positive. I’m sure you’ll find a way to make all this work out. And don’t be afraid of getting custody of your baby. You’re a great mother, and she belongs with you. Being with you, she won’t ever miss out on time with her father or with you. As you have lost time with her since your divorce, I mean. Kaylee needs this to happen.”
My mother is right. I need to focus more on being positive. Maybe having to go through this a second time around is causing all this worry.
I finish preparing coffee and settle down with the newspaper. I love newspaper gossip and magazine gossip. It’s one of the flaws in my character. I wonder how much money I would save if I read the gossip from my cellphone. But it doesn’t matter—I won’t bother to stop my subscriptions. I would much rather read from actual print than from my phone.
As I finish reading the newspaper, the telephone rings. Thankfully, my mother answers it, because I wasn’t going to get up anyway.
“There is a Nicolas on the phone honey,” she calls.
I get up and take the phone to my bedroom. Nicolas and I speak all the time, but lately I have been wondering if I should allow this friendship to continue.
“Hello,” I say after closing the door behind me.
“Good morning beautiful! What’re you up to?” he asks.
“Nothing much. Just finished reading the paper and drinking coffee. What are you up to?”
“Started my shift about three hours ago and now heading to the cafeteria for some coffee,” he replies.
I am not used to how he is willing to keep me updated with his everyday movements without making me feel as if I am not welcome to know everything about him. It is strange to speak to someone who doesn’t have anything to hide or is always on the run. “Has it been a busy morning at the hospital?” I ask.
My Two Husbands Page 12