Gerard grimaced. “Like it or not, the Council’s word is still law, and we either obey and face death or else disobey and face the annihilation of everything we hold dear.”
Danner absorbed the other paladin’s grim words with a heavy heart.
“I’m not going to die for them,” he said finally, jerking his head back the way they’d come.
“It’s not for them, lad,” Gerard replied, shaking his head. “It’s for the defenders of Nocka and their families. It’s for that lady friend of yours, and for your father, and for everyone you’ve ever passed on the street. It’s for the millions of innocent people out there in the world who don’t even know you exist, nor that their continued survival might hinge on your sword and shield. That’s what it means to be a paladin.”
Danner walked in silence, unable to think of a response.
“We’re really going to do this?” Trebor asked finally.
“Aye.”
Garnet sighed. “Where’s Flasch with an idiotic comment when you need him?”
Chapter 25
Love is perhaps the most complex virtue of all, for there are too many definitions of the word for any one idea to simultaneously encompass them all. In general, it is proper consideration for the self and others.
- “An Examination of Prismatic Virtue” (801 AM)
- 1 -
It was the calm before the storm. The eye of the hurricane. The ebb before the wave.
Danner hated it. All the preparations had been made and Shadow Company was ready to move out at a moment’s notice, but they wouldn’t move, not until shortly before dawn, so they could take their place outside the walls. His men had slept fitfully in shifts through the rest of the day, trying to rest up for what was expected to be nothing more than a suicidal slaughter. Their weapons and armor were cleansed and ready, lying near-at-hand and ready to be girded on command.
Now the only thing left to do was wait, and waiting left Danner too much time for thinking. He brooded in silence for nearly an hour before deciding he needed to move about to clear his head. Danner stood and glanced around and saw striding toward him the first and last person he wanted to encounter.
“Uncle Birch,” he said in greeting. “I was just about to take a walk…”
“I’ll join you, if you don’t mind,” Birch said.
“Yeah, okay.”
Danner sent a mental message to Caret where he was going and an order to let him know immediately if something came up that needed his attention, then he walked away with his uncle. Soldiers made camp anywhere and everywhere they could, with colors from Nocka and Merishank dominating the encampments. Other nations’ livery flew from small enclaves mostly made up of honor guards for visiting dignitaries and merchant guards drafted into defense. The two paladins walked in silence through the tightly packed streets, moving gradually toward a section that was more sparsely populated.
“What’s on your mind, uncle?” Danner asked when they were all but alone.
“Describe to me some of the abilities you have from your heritage,” Birch said after a moment. He wasn’t looking at Danner, but instead kept his gaze focused ahead. The orange glow from his eyes was visible in the lightless alley into which they’d turned, and Danner shivered in spite of himself.
“Well, aside from the wings themselves, which let me fly, I’ve got tremendous strength, and I can understand and translate the immortal language,” Danner said. He frowned in thought. “Some things, like the strength, are only evident when my wings are switched on, but other things like understanding the immortal language are there all the time.
“It seems to me that I know things, too,” he continued, “things about the immortals and about Heaven and Hell that I never actually learned. When I was taking classes with the Prism, it sometimes felt more like reminding me of things I already knew but had forgotten. I knew Ran’s name when we were fighting him the other night, even though there’s no real way to tell the difference between any of The Three.”
Danner shrugged. “Stuff like that.”
“What about your ability to heal?” Birch asked.
“It’s rather sporadic,” Danner said with a grimace, “but when it works it works really well almost in spite of myself. My instructors told me to stick to terminal cases, where I would either heal the patients outright or kill them, leaving them no worse off than before.”
Birch smiled briefly, but the expression faded in a few seconds.
“Do you ever feel there’s something blocking you, or lessening your ability to heal?”
“No, not really,” Danner said. “I don’t have much experience to compare it to, but it’s more like it’s either there or not. I found it’s a lot easier to heal when I have my wings asolved.”
“Asolved?” Birch asked.
“Or turned on, as Flasch says,” Danner said. “Asolving and dekinting. Marc found the proper terminology in some text somewhere. Oh, and when they’re on, I’m impervious to physical damage. Sometimes it still hurts a little bit, but Garnet laid me flat with one blow of his sword and didn’t leave a mark. Ran was able to damage me plenty enough, but I suppose that makes sense since he was a demon.”
Birch hummed in thought, but was otherwise silent.
“Why do you ask?” Danner said.
“What? Nothing you need to worry about now, Danner,” Birch replied. “I’m trying to work some things out, and some possibilities are fairly disturbing. I want to be sure before I bring them up with other people.”
Danner shrugged, troubled by his uncle’s recalcitrance. “Okay, if you say so.”
“Now what’s been on your mind, nephew?” Birch asked suddenly, catching Danner by surprise.
“Me? Oh, nothing, really.”
“You nearly ran away when you saw me coming toward you,” Birch said in disagreement. “What’s wrong?”
Danner was silent as they walked, weighing how much he wanted to tell Birch and how to present it.
“Uncle Birch, how long have you been with Moreen?” he asked, now taking his uncle by surprise.
“Mo? Since I was about your age,” Birch replied. “We started seeing each other a month or so before Hoil met your mother.”
“You were together twelve years before you crossed the Merging?” Danner asked incredulously.
Birch shook his head. “Thirteen, by my reckoning. You were seven.”
“And not married?” Danner mused. “It’s a wonder she waited that long, much less while you were in Hell.” He looked guiltily at Birch. “I’m sorry, that didn’t come out right.”
“Don’t be, it’s a valid point,” Birch acceded, his voice neutral. “She and I have been over this topic more than once in recent weeks. I can only thank God she saw something she wanted in me she couldn’t find elsewhere, and Moreen is not the type of woman to settle. There have been any number of suitors over the years, but in her own words, none of them was me. Mo is patient beyond reckoning, but she gets what she wants.”
Danner stared at his uncle. The Gray paladin returned his gaze evenly, not quite meeting his eyes. Finally Danner looked away, suddenly uncomfortable.
“And how old were you when you two first… um…” Danner made a few vague gestures with his hands, and he was faintly surprised his face didn’t catch fire, it felt so hot with embarrassment. “What I mean is, uh…”
“When were we first intimate?”
“Yeah, but um…”
“You’re asking when we first had sex,” Birch said flatly. Danner cringed inwardly, wondering if he’d touched on a private delicacy his uncle might not want to talk about.
“Yeah,” Danner said. He added quickly, “You can tell me to mind my own business if you want, I won’t mind.”
“No, it’s an important question, I think,” Birch said. “And the answer is never.”
“Never?” Danner said, incredulously. “But, I thought…”
“We’ve never had sex, Danner,” Birch said, cutting him off. “We’re not marrie
d.”
Danner choked over his own tongue and mumbled a few meaningless sounds, his thoughts a churning mass of confusion and conflicting emotions.
“Why do you ask, Danner?” Birch said softly.
Danner was silent, and he stopped and stared awkwardly at the ground before him, refusing to look at his uncle.
“Danner?”
Still he was silent.
“I can’t force it from you,” Birch said, “but you wanted to ask me for a reason. So talk.”
“Alicia and I… a few nights ago…” Danner stammered, then broke off. “I don’t know what came over me, Uncle Birch. I mean, I love her and we’ve been together a couple times, and some things have happened, and I thought that time would be no different, but… I mean…”
“The two of you had sex,” Birch said. Whether he meant it to be there or not, Danner heard a tone of condemnation in his uncle’s voice that made his soul shrink up inside of him in guilt.
“Yes.”
“Danner, have a seat,” Birch said, indicating a set of low stairs leading to someone’s back door. The two of them sat down beside each other, Danner looking dejected.
“You’re an adult now and can make your own decisions, and while I’m not your father, were you to have this talk with him, I think he’d tell you something similar to what I’ll tell you, whatever that’s worth,” Birch said with a wry smile. “Still I don’t pretend to be Hoil, and I don’t pretend to know what kind of values he raised you with, so take my words for whatever you will.”
Danner nodded in understanding.
“The Prismatic Order, based on the values for which it stands, does of course advocate that a couple be married before they have sex,” Birch said. “Intercourse between two people isn’t something to be taken lightly, which is partly why the stricture of marriage exists, and I believe those who engage in casual sex simply don’t understand what it truly means. Maybe it just means something wholly different to them. The values of the Prism advocate commitment and a firm emotional basis that’s supposed to be symbolized by marriage,” Birch said, “but that doesn’t mean the emotions and commitment exist exclusively within the bonds of marriage. And if they’re there, I don’t know that there exists any moral obstruction to those two people having sex.”
Birch paused to let this sink in. Drawing a distinction between religion and morality did not always resonate with some people.
“But why then have you and Moreen never made love?” Danner asked after a moment’s thought. “It’s obvious you two love each other absolutely, so…”
“Because I haven’t been able to devote and commit my life to being with her, Danner, and that’s important to me,” Birch answered softly. “We all respond to our duty such as we feel it requires. Some paladins, such as Garet, have time to settle down and take a wife and raise children. I’ve always felt my calling to lie elsewhere, and I’ve devoted my life to following that call. Moreen understands this and has never tried to unfairly tie me down by forcing herself on me or trying to trap me through means of a child. She loves me too much to hinder me, knowing that if I’m going to be with her, it has to be of my own free will and choice, or else my presence is meaningless.
“I haven’t committed myself to her to the physical extent inherent in sex, because I cannot, or at least have not been able to, commit to her in marriage,” Birch said. “I hope to change that soon, but with the war already upon us, I cannot in good conscience divide my commitment between God and Moreen. God has always and will always come first, so long as He calls me to duty. When the time comes, Moreen and I will be together, and I will likely spend the rest of my days making up to her the years she spent waiting.”
Danner stared at his uncle in amazement and more than a little awe.
“In short, Danner, what I’m trying to tell you is that extramarital sex is not necessarily a bad or wrong thing,” Birch said, “but it is most certainly not something to be taken lightly. I can’t and won’t blame or condemn you or any man for doing so, just so long as you understand what it means. Sex for purely physical enjoyment and fulfillment – what you might call lust – is considered wrong, and I’m inclined to agree with that assessment. But sex for the purpose of expression within the bounds of loving commitment and emotions… No, I can’t condemn a man for that.
“Now mind you,” Birch said, and now he did smile, “I’m not God, so my personal views may not exactly coincide with the divine, and I certainly don’t presume to speak for Him. I could inadvertently be leading you down the path to sin, but I don’t believe anything done in a spirit of true love is wrong. Love is one of our virtues, after all.”
Danner laughed.
“Think long and hard, Danner, and be certain of what you really believe,” Birch said, “because it’s all too easy to get swept away, and then it may be too late. Just remember, it’s never too late to change your mind, so don’t feel trapped by your past. It just tells you what you’ve done and who you’ve been. It’s only the present that tells a man who he currently is, and the present is always open to your choices.”
“No offense, uncle, but for a former Red paladin,” Danner said, “you have a talent for lecturing. No wonder you turned White.” Then he laughed. “You know, I’m going out there tomorrow and will probably be slaughtered, but this is the stuff that’s on my mind. This is what I’m worrying about.” He laughed again, louder this time, finding a release in the joyous sound.
Birch chuckled, and the two patted each other on the back.
“Now then,” Birch said as they stood. “Foolish as it may seem, the Prismatic Council has ordered that there be a play tonight, sort of as a way to try and take people’s minds off the possibility of imminent death and perhaps to inspire them. I think they’re idiots, but I certainly could use a distraction, and it might even get some of the poor people in the city to come out of their cellars for a little while and breathe. Will you be coming?”
“Depends on the play, I guess,” Danner replied. “If it’s Jaema’s Lament, you can count me out. Too sappy for my tastes.”
“No,” Birch said, “it’s not the lament. I don’t remember the title, but it’s a story from before the Merging War, shortly after the paladins were first formed as an order. It’s a drama, of course, and supposed to be quite good.”
“In that case, I suppose I’ll come,” Danner said. He sent another mental message to Caret telling him of the change in plans, then followed Birch back to the Prism’s chapterhouse. He thought about going to see Alicia instead, but Danner knew he wasn’t ready to see her again, especially not after his talk with Birch. He had a lot to think about, and that would take time. He just prayed he’d have that time.
- 2 -
When they arrived, the play was already beginning. They found empty seats next to Garet and Garnet, along with Moreen, James, Perky, Nuse, and ─ to Danner’s great surprise ─ Gerard. The commander of Shadow Company greeted Danner calmly, and Danner was immensely grateful Flasch wasn’t there. His quick-tongued friend would undoubtedly have made some comment about the harsh paladin’s presence at a theatrical performance, and Danner preferred Flasch alive and his skin intact.
The first half was interesting and well-acted, but Danner was distracted by a dull nagging sensation in the back of his mind. When he couldn’t focus on it to get it out in the open, Danner pushed it aside and was able to enjoy the rest of the act.
The story was one of two friends who joined the fledgling Prismatic Order together and finished their training as paladins of the Red and Blue Facets. In the early days of the Order, they were devoted to helping people and spreading the virtues of the Prism. Then suddenly demons began appearing in the lands, and the paladins were called upon to face the unholy threat. No one yet knew about the Merging as the source of the demons.
The two paladins traveled together, searching for more demons against which to prove themselves. At one point, they entered a town that had fallen under the influence of a group of demon
s, and the townspeople stoned the two paladins and took them both captive. Under the directions of a demon, the townspeople crucified the Red paladin on a man-sized facsimile of the Tricrus and disemboweled him. When they came to take the Blue paladin, he managed to escape and fled the town.
After the paladin escaped, the curtains dropped and the lights came on to announce the intermission.
“Damn, they missed this story in our classes,” Danner commented to Garnet as they walked out. Birch overheard and laughed quietly, then turned to James.
“I haven’t seen Vander since we got back,” Birch remarked. “I assume he’s been busy in the libraries.”
“He has been yes, but he was supposed to meet us here tonight,” James replied. “Cameran and Samin is one of his favorite plays, though Heaven knows why; it has nothing I know of that would speak to him personally. Why do you ask? I thought you still didn’t like him very much.”
“I think that may change,” Birch said with a ghost of a smile.
“Oh?”
“You once told me no one ever liked Vander except you, because you knew his secret,” Birch reminded him.
“And?” James said, his lips twitching in understanding.
“I think I’ve discovered his secret,” Birch said quietly so no one could overhear their conversation. He shook his head. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it before, but then I never compared notes on him with anyone else until Perky and I were sailing back from the elven isle. He said he found Vander to be too reserved for his own good, that he seemed to worry about his usefulness, and he had a need to prove himself to others by subsuming his identity with theirs and emulating them. That got me to thinking, because that’s exactly how I pictured Perky, at least critically speaking.
“So I asked Nuse, and he said Vander was sort of a non-entity in groups, which I agreed was true,” Birch said. “But Nuse said Vander came across as too dry of wit at times and somewhat lacking in what one might call absolute morals, at least for a paladin. It was hard to place, and admittedly it came second-hand through an interpretation, but those same things could be seen in Nuse. Which made me reexamine how I personally saw Vander, and I saw that everything I found objectionable and distasteful in him was actually something in me that I either hadn’t seen or else don’t normally admit to.”
The Devil's Deuce (The Barrier War) Page 36