A day after his first attempt, young Ben wasn’t discouraged and approached the teacher a second time. He arrived at exactly the same time as the previous day and knocked angrily on the wooden door. This day it wasn’t raining, but it was very cold outside; Ben had dressed accordingly.
The sensei opened the door peacefully and calmly. “Yes?”
“Listen to me carefully. I came to study aikido with you. I crossed entire continents just for that—you have to accept me!” He was furious, his veins bulging in his neck.
“I see,” said the sensei, unaffected by Ben’s behavior. “You crossed continents by foot?”
“No! On an airplane! What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Did you have food to eat?”
“Yes.”
“And did you prepare it?”
“No! Why should I prepare the food when there are workers getting paid to do that?”
“Did you have a place to sleep?”
“Yes!”
“And did you make the bed? Tidy up the room?”
“No! I’m in a five-star hotel. Why the hell should I do all that? What are all these stupid questions about?” Ben was livid.
“You said you went through certain hardship to get here, that you made an effort, but I don’t see where the hardship lies,” Sensei replied calmly. “I only see a spoiled rich boy. Come back when you have matured, and then we will talk.” The teacher shut the door.
“No! Urgh!” the youth screamed.
DAY 32
Another day arrived; another breakfast made for Ben was thrown in the garbage. His depressed behavior worried Shira. She decided it was time he snapped out of that depressed state—it was high time.
After she finished tidying up and cleaning, she sat down next to him; he was snuggled on the mattress.
“Let’s talk.”
He didn’t respond.
“Okay, you’re down and angry. That makes perfect sense. You’re undergoing a process of change; it wasn’t going to be easy.”
He remained still.
“But with this current attitude of yours, you’re only hurting yourself. You’ve been here for what? A month? It must seem like an eternity to you… But you still haven’t tried to truly go along with the process. When I said the process usually takes two months, that doesn’t mean that after two months, the treatment is over. It means that after two months, the patient changes his behavior. If you don’t cooperate, you may stay here even six months.”
He was shocked by her words but didn’t respond.
“Maybe the fact that you don’t move much and stay seated all the time contributes to your depression and only makes you more so. After all, you were very active before…regular morning practice and aikido practice two to three times a week. Here, you’re passive and bitter. You can’t see anything beyond your misery; you’re full of self-pity. You’re not trying to improve anything—it’s pathetic! What for? To get back at me? Because you’re angry now? Maybe if you tried to cooperate, for real, you would discover that things are not that bad—not for my sake, for yours. It can only advance you toward your release.”
Ben didn’t move.
Shira sighed. She got up and went over to her workstation.
Her determination to motivate him reminded him of only one thing—his own determination to get accepted into the school in Japan.
❧
He returned to the sensei for a third attempt. It was the same time but on another day, also cold, but the rain had stopped; the entire yard was muddy. He knocked on the door.
“Yes?” The sensei opened the door with an equanimity that annoyed Ben.
“You will take me to study aikido with you!” the teen said. “Or else you’ll regret it!”
“And what will cause the regret you’re referring to?”
“I… I…” the teenager stammered, realizing his threat was devoid of any content. “Let me in already!” He was fed up with carrying on conversations with the instructor in the cold, and once again, he tried to push his way inside. However, once more, the sensei nudged him back. He fell into a muddy puddle. His clothes got wet, but he didn’t feel the cold. He was overtaken by uncontrollable rage.
The teacher stepped out of his office to see whether Ben was all right and shut the door behind him. The teen got up from the muddy puddle and charged at the sensei as if to butt him. The sensei diverted him effortlessly and moved out of his way. He fell again.
Ben didn’t give up. He got up and tried to attack the sensei again with fists and then kicks. Finally, he picked up a stick he found on the muddy soil. The teacher quickly blocked him, and all of his efforts failed.
After those long minutes of futile attempts, the teen was tired; The sensei was not. He seemed refreshed, focused, and intrigued by the youth’s behavior.
Ben dropped down into the mud in exhaustion, still holding onto the stick. The sensei watched him inquisitively.
“Where is all this anger coming from? Who are you so angry at?” the sensei asked curiously.
“At everyone!” the teenager said in exhausted anger, and threw the useless stick on the ground.
“I see. You are like a lion, stubborn and determined… That is good. But you let the lion control you, your heart; you are full of anger and emotions, and they lead you. You must learn how to tame the lion inside you.”
Silence.
“Tell me, what do you want?” The sensei asked a few moments later.
“Eh…what you said,” Ben replied. He didn’t quite understand the sensei and was surprised by the sudden change in attitude toward him.
“No. Say it in your own words. What do you want to have happen to you here?”
He thought a little and then said, “I… I want to be better… But everyone gets me angry. I… I want to learn how to do that; I want help.” Ben was quite surprised by the words that came out of his mouth.
After he attacked the sensei, he was convinced his chances of getting accepted into the school were lost. But the sensei smiled at him warmly and affectionately. It seemed like it was the first lesson Ben had passed. He managed to understand, to learn something. The teacher couldn’t ignore the youth’s cry for help. All his previous contemporaries who wished to be accepted wanted the knowledge; in the Ben’s case, he heard a desperate, honest cry for help.
“Come tomorrow at five in the morning with all of your belongings and meet Masato; he will show you where you will sleep and explain to you what you must do before we begin our first lesson.
“Also, in our school, everyone takes an active part in cleaning and maintenance, or else they have no place with us. And I also expect you to learn Japanese.” Thus, the sensei granted Ben acceptance to his school.
The young man was overwhelmed with happiness.
❧
Ben awoke from his reverie. He lay on the mattress and flexed his painfully tight muscles. He turned around and sat up.
Shira watched him.
A few moments later, he stood up slowly. The collar on his neck was attached to the long chain that allowed him the most freedom of movement. He felt his way until he bumped into a wall and then began walking, one step at a time, along the wall. When he reached half the length of the wall, the chain began to tighten. He walked back until he was standing before the mattress, and then he began walking perpendicular to the wall. He nearly reached the middle of the studio but stopped before the chain tightened. Then he inched his way to check for any obstacles on the floor aside from his mattress. There were none. He went back to sitting on his mattress. He lengthened his back and made circles with his head to stretch his neck. Then he spread his legs and twisted his torso in different directions.
Shira knew Ben was an athlete, but she was not impressed by this until that moment. It was hard to ignore his sculpted muscles, contracting and lengthening. She had long forgot
ten that “Mr. Perfect” was staying at her studio.
Every so often, he groaned in pain. His muscles were stiff. After he was done, he stood up again. He took a few steps to the middle of the area he was free to move in.
He took two deep breaths and then slowly bent his knees with a wide stance. He leaned on one leg and kicked high and sideways with the other. “Hi-yah!” he uttered. It didn’t look like Shira was going to gag him, so he continued. His body language changed from a month before. Back then, he stumbled every time he tried to get up on his own. Now he knew exactly where he was in relation to every corner of the studio. His other senses had sharpened since his sight was taken away.
Shira sat mesmerized by his movements; they seemed to her like a magnificent dance. Every so often, he stumbled and was about to fall, but at the last minute, he managed to stabilize himself and continue as if nothing had happened. He called out “hi-yah” and “aww” a few times, and his voice echoed powerfully throughout the studio.
He was now about to perform a complicated jump and inhaled deeply. As soon as he began to jump, his right leg caught on the chain and he fell. She hurried to help him up, but he shook his head and waved her off. He got up by himself and continued the exercise, while she returned to her vantage point.
He continued practicing for a while, and when he was finished, he bowed and went back to sitting on the mattress. He was breathless and sweaty.
The practice seemed magical to Shira. “Water?” she asked.
Ben nodded.
She rushed to get him a glass of water. He gulped the water and made an “ahhh” sound when he was done.
She brought him a towel and wiped the sweat off his face and back. “That was amazing!”
He didn’t respond. For him, that had merely been a warm-up.
After the unexpected practice, the daily routine was resumed. He remained seated on the mattress until lunchtime and after.
Shira remained in the studio the whole day, supposedly working, but she couldn’t concentrate. Ben grabbed her attention. Though he didn’t move after the practice was over, there was a special aura around him, and she was surprised to notice it.
Has he always been like that? she wondered. She remembered how she couldn’t fathom why women stood in line to be with him. After spending the first two minutes with him, it was clear to her that he was an asshole not worth getting to know. Now she began to understand. He looked enchanting, sexy, oozing prestige, even when he was tied up and hardly able to move. Something in him changed, and thus, she allowed herself to see it for the first time.
She was happy. She knew it was the beginning of the change they had been hoping for, and that obviously, he felt it too.
DAY 33
Shira woke up Ben early the following day and led him to the morning meditation. As usual, it didn’t resonate with him.
After they finished eating breakfast, she told him she was going into the city for a few errands. “Would you like me to leave you a bottle of water with a straw next to the mattress in case you want to practice again today?” she asked.
He nodded.
She went off to run her errands, and he waited for the food to be digested and then started his practice. Shira heard his practice sounds in real time while she was on her errand run.
She returned at midday, after he had finished. He was famished. He heard her enter through the studio doors; they made a soft squeaking noise despite their heaviness. Then he heard her footsteps as she entered the kitchenette, and the rustle of plastic and paper bags placed on the floor. A jacket was thrown on the counter, followed by a key chain. She sighed heavily, tired from the shopping and the weight of the bags. A glass cup taken from the cupboard made a clanking noise as it left behind its friends. A tap opened and water poured into a glass, followed by sounds of quick gulps as she quenched her thirst. Another exhale was heard, followed by the rustle of plastic bags and the sounds of metal cans placed into cupboards, milk and drinks loaded into the refrigerator, and a few frozen items put into the freezer. The sound of gathering of plastic bags was heard, and then finally a drawer opened and closed after the bags were placed in it.
Shira finished putting away the groceries in the kitchenette, picked up the paper bags, and went to the bathroom.
After a few silent moments, he heard the shower turn on. She lingered in the bathroom for a long time after she got out of the shower. When she finished, she went over to Ben. A cloud of flowery scent surrounded her. He recognized that she had changed her perfume or body cream.
“Come; let’s have lunch. I bought us salmon in town, especially for you. It has a lot of protein. It’s good after a practice, right?”
Ben nodded.
Shira took him to the table with the chain in her hand. By this point, she didn’t have to lead him, as he knew how to reach the table by himself, find his chair, sit down, and wait for the floor chain to be connected.
She went over to heat the food, which had gotten cold by now. He recognized every single move of hers; his senses were sharp and he analyzed every sound. A new chain on her neck made a gentle, chiming noise, and she had on new, uncomfortable shoes.
Ben was the king of courtship. Could it be that Shira was flirting with him? If so, this could only help him. He decided to play along with it and encourage it to buy himself an earlier release. He couldn’t properly flirt in his current state, but he saw it as a new and important challenge. He regained his self-confidence.
In the evening, she washed him and they sat down to eat and have their usual evening conversation.
“So, how are you feeling? Better?” she asked.
He nodded the obvious.
That was a silly question, she thought. Shira tried to find something else to talk about, but she found herself wordless. She simply stared at Ben. He felt it. He was used to being stared at, and it didn’t bother him.
The flutter and hum of a huge roach distracted him. It made an emergency landing near his leg.
“Eww, a roach!” She jumped up. Unlike Ben, she hadn’t heard the roach but saw it landing gracelessly on the floor.
He heard her chair fall to the floor and her hysterical voice saying, “I have this terrible fear of roaches! I’m going to get Panda to handle it.” Her voice moved away to almost near the entrance of the studio.
But he managed to get his foot on the roach before she exited. It was as if he had seen it, though in reality, he heard its whereabouts. The big roach’s shell made a slight noise when crushed on the floor.
“Is it dead?” she asked anxiously.
Ben shook his head. He got up from his chair, bent over, lifted his foot, and grabbed the live roach with a hand that was bound behind his back. He turned around, his back to her, and showed her the hand holding the roach.
“What do you expect me to do with it now?” She sounded troubled. “Can’t you just kill it?”
He shook his head.
“Yes, I guess it’s disgusting to kill a roach like that with your bare hand.” She sighed. “Wait. I’ll bring something to put it in and throw it outside.”
He heard her new, uncomfortable shoes dragging toward the kitchenette. A bottom cupboard opened and closed. A top cupboard opened and closed. The banging of boxes was heard. One box fell on the floor. She picked it up. Finally, she took out a small box with a lid from the cupboard.
“Okay, we’re going to do this carefully and responsibly. When I tell you, drop it fast, and I’ll close the lid.”
He nodded. He was amused by the whole affair.
She put his hand into the plastic box and held the lid very close to it with her other hand. “Now!” she said in terror. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” she uttered, horrified by the live roach jumping inside the box, then she ran outside to throw it.
Ben laughed.
“It’s not funny,” Shira said when she retur
ned. “If I didn’t have to leave Panda in the guest room, he would have handled that roach before you.”
But even she realized how absurd the whole situation was. He laughed again. His laughter was contagious, and she couldn’t remain serious; she laughed along with him.
In the following days, Ben continued to practice aikido before lunchtime, his eyes covered and his hands tied behind his back. Despite the challenge, he managed to perform all the movements and was very pleased with himself. He also felt that Shira was watching him—the sound of typing and rustling of paper always stopped during his training. Although he was bound, chained, and blindfolded, he felt he had the upper hand, that she felt exactly what he wanted her to feel. Like with all the women in his life who wanted him, it was only a matter of time before it was his turn to make the decisive move.
DAY 38
“Yum! Mmm!” Shira exclaimed from the kitchenette one evening. “I think it came out well this time!” She tasted some of the boiling dish. She took the steaming pot off the stove and quickly set it on the table, where Ben was already seated.
“I made us risotto with white roots and peas… Oh…wait, wait!”
He heard the breaking of an egg on the table and its shell cracked open over the dish. He smiled and nodded at her. It was obvious she made a special effort with this meal to impress him. He had counted five earlier attempts by her to make this dish, none of which were successful.
Shira picked out selected rice kernels with the fork and blew on them to cool them off. “Here, taste.” She offered the fork to him.
Though he wanted to encourage her, he was afraid to get burned, as he had been the other night when she didn’t cool down the food properly before she served it to him.
She slowly lifted the fork to his mouth despite his signs of hesitation. “Is it tasty?” she asked in anticipation. He loved the dish. He gave her his charming smile and nodded.
“Really?” She felt euphoric.
He nodded again. He couldn’t speak or show his facial expressions, so he blew her a kiss. Ben was eager to show his enthusiasm as part of his false courting.
The Light Between The Shadows Page 14