“It’s nice out here. There’s a pleasant breeze even in the summer,” she noted.
Ben nodded. He felt that it was a perfect evening to be spent together in the garden. This peaceful evening seemed calm and innocent. But under the surface, deep inside the subconscious, fascinating things were taking place.
Music began to play...
“Look at him, girl, sitting here with you. He’s not allowed to say a thing, but his body gesture says it all. You don’t understand, and still you want to attempt…you wish to kiss the boy,” Shira’s subconscious sang.
“Can you hear something?” she asked, but he shook his head.
“That’s right, you want him. In your heart, you know it’s true,” her subconscious continued. “It’s obvious he has feelings for you, too; why won’t you check it? Don’t use words, not even one, and go ahead and kiss the boy. La la la, now’s the time to dare, ’cause love is in the air—let’s just kiss the boy…” The song played in her head.
“The book is really coming along,” she said. “It’s great when you start to see the bigger goals in life coming together.”
Another awkward moment passed.
Ben really wanted to share his ideas about the book and get to know her better. Instead, he played with his lips.
“Now’s the moment…la la la, sitting under a full moon…” Her subconscious whispered the same melody again. “You should do it soon, or else the moment will pass away. He can’t say a word, but, honey, you don’t need his words, so just kiss the boy… Let’s just kiss the boy!” Her subconscious almost merged with her conscious mind. She was flooded with excitement.
Suddenly, an object the size of a tennis ball landed next to them and rolled toward them. The melody in her head stopped.
“Hey! What is this?” Shira was surprised. “Oh! It’s from my peach tree!” The opportune moment had come and gone, fading into the endless labyrinth of the mind.
She got up and picked up the fruit that fell. “I have a few fruit trees here. I forgot it was already the season.” She wiped the peach on her pants and bit into it. “Wow, you have to taste this!” She held up the bitten fruit.
Ben tried to take a bite without getting dirty from its juice, but the juice dripped on his chin, then onto his bare chest, and finally down to his aikido pants.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Shira said, pulling out a wipe and cleaning what she could. She seemed to have wipes everywhere—and for good reason.
“I’m doing the laundry tomorrow. I’m sure it will come off.” She remembered the burden of all the chores she had to do the following day. “Yep… I have a lot of tasks to finish tomorrow,” she said listlessly.
Ben really wanted to make her happy, so he jerked his head funnily.
“What is it?” She couldn’t understand the meaning behind his gestures. But he continued enthusiastically.
“What? Do you want to tidy up and clean too?” she asked in surprise.
He nodded.
“And how exactly are you planning to do that?”
He got up from the wooden bench and stood by the table. He lifted one leg and waved it right and left above the ground as if he were cleaning the floor with an imaginary rag using his foot. The chain linked to his collar clanged to the beat of his strange dance.
“I’d like to see that,” she said enthusiastically, albeit curious and a little skeptical.
DAY 71
The following day, after they finished eating breakfast, Shira went to the storage room and pulled out all the cleaning supplies. She put on that upbeat music again and filled the bucket with water and some soap. Then she went over to Ben, who was sitting on his bed, tied to the long chain.
“Here,” she said, and placed the bucket with the rag inside it on the floor next to Ben. She moved away and sat down to watch the show.
He got up from the mattress. He tucked his foot under the mattress and lifted it with his leg and body so he could lean it against the wall and clean under it.
“How thorough,” she said excitedly from her vantage point.
He shuffled his feet over to the bucket.
She jumped up. “Wait—I’ll fold your pants so they won’t get wet.” She sat down on the floor next to him and carefully folded his pants up to his knees. He stood still and waited for her to finish. When they were high and tight enough, she went back to her seat filled with expectation and forgetting all of her other chores entirely.
Ben dipped one of his legs in the bucket, trying to catch the rag inside. He made a face each time he missed the cloth as it slipped from between his toes. He looked like he was trying hard to concentrate and taking the task seriously.
Finally, he managed to pull the rag out of the bucket. He placed the dripping rag on the floor, unfolded it with his feet, and placed one leg on it. Then he made the same movements he had showed Shira in the garden the previous day. There, his idea seemed easy, but now the drenched rag didn’t move quite as easily as the imaginary rag in the garden.
It seemed like he was really trying to make the task seem effortless. He even tried to match the pace of his movement to that of the music playing in the background. Finally, he stepped with his other leg on the rag and dragged it with both feet. He covered his entire area of free movement thoroughly, repeating the action again once he was finished with the first round. The cleaning took a very long time. Had Shira done it herself, it would have taken her five minutes. Moreover, his efforts didn’t really help her, since cleaning the empty half of the studio was relatively easy compared to the rest of the domestic chores. But she was very appreciative of his initiative. She thought it was so amazing of him to make a special effort that even made him break a sweat.
Shira examined his body language—every moving muscle and every facial feature of his made her heart leap inside her chest.
DAY 77
A few days later, at dinner, Shira said, “I think you’re ready to start your release process. You’re finally at peace with yourself, which is wonderful!”
Ben didn’t respond. He had almost forgotten all about wanting to be free, and a strange sensation grabbed him in the gut.
“I’ll explain what the process entails. It’s a symbolic ritual that takes time; nothing happens immediately. First off, tomorrow night after dinner, I’ll insert the gag. It will remain in your mouth until the following evening. Then I’ll remove it for the very last time and you’ll be allowed to speak. A few days later, if all goes well, I’ll also remove your blindfold—I’ll do it in the evening so you can get accustomed to light.
“Finally, after a few more days, when we see that everything is going according to plan, you’ll be released for good. Then we can sit together and think about how to get you back into your life’s routine. I’ll help you, support you, and accompany you at first, and after that, you’ll be on your own,” she concluded.
Ben wanted very much to be free, to end this punishment, which he had ended up agreeing to. Shira was the one who dictated the length of the punishment and its terms, and now she said the punishment was about to end. His freedom was finally in sight. So what was bothering him? He didn’t know. He needed to think about it.
DAY 78
The following day, the usual routine went by peacefully until dinner was over.
“Are you ready for the next stage of the process?” Shira asked.
Ben nodded.
“Open your mouth.”
He did as he was told, and she inserted the gag. He made a face, recalling how repulsive that object was. He lowered his head.
“Tomorrow I will remove it in the evening and you’ll be allowed to speak,” she said. “Perhaps you should think about the first thing you would like to say or share—something meaningful.”
He felt troubled by all this. It seemed like he had not quite registered it. He withdrew into himself.
She took him to his bed, gave him a goodnight kiss on the forehead, and left.
He snuggled up into a fetal position and fell asleep.
DAY 79
The following day, Ben refused to get up. Shira didn’t rush him. She let him be. He was troubled. It seemed like she was very happy to end the process and move on, as if he were a nuisance or something she wanted out of her house and life, whereas he wanted her and was in love with her. Unlike what he had thought before, now he felt that the love wasn’t mutual.
Maybe she didn’t know how he felt? He couldn’t tell her anything up until then. He decided that when evening came, he would confess his love for her. She would appreciate it, because it was the first thing he would choose to say. That thought encouraged him and made him more cooperative during the day.
When evening came, Shira washed Ben and even brushed his teeth. She inserted the gag back into his mouth when she finished.
They sat down at the dining table.
“I will remove the gag now, and from now on, you’ll be able to speak without getting punished,” she said.
She removed the device gently, and Ben relaxed his jaws. They sat quietly as she waited for him to say something.
“Hmm…” he mumbled, and cleared his throat.
She remained attentive.
“Shira,” he said in a hoarse voice.
“Yes?”
“I…” he started. “I wanted to say that…” He couldn’t get the words out. Another awkward, silent moment passed. He was speechless.
“Maybe we should eat first? You’ll feel better on a full stomach,” she suggested.
“Yes, I’m starving,” he agreed.
They ate quietly.
“How was it?” she asked.
“Delicious.”
“I’m glad. Would you like to talk about something?”
He couldn’t come up with anything interesting or important to talk about.
He shook his head.
“You can say the word ‘no.’” Shira laughed her rolling laugh.
“Oh, yes… I forgot.” He smiled a sheepish yet endearing smile.
She loved that smile. “It’s amazing how charming you are without even trying,” she said enthusiastically.
He was happy.
“I honestly believe that the woman who ends up with you will be a lucky one!”
He wasn’t so happy anymore. She was talking about someone else, but he wanted her and couldn’t express it in words. What was the matter with him? He always knew how to talk to women, and now he found himself with Shira, a woman he knew so well and had shared such intimacy with over a significant time period, and he couldn’t tell her he loved her. Was it because he was shy? But why should he be shy around her? It’s only Shira!
But she wasn’t the same. The woman he first met was gray and dreary. She may not have changed, but he had, and he was able to see her beauty and true charm. What a treasure she was, just as Fred had described her. He felt that he might not be in her league. He seemed pale in comparison to the light she radiated. If she wasn’t interested in him, who was he to decide that there was a chance for something to develop between them?
He continued mulling it over even after dinner was over and she led him back to his spot.
The days passed by calmly. Ben, who was given permission to speak as much as he wished, found himself wordless. Shira was still the one to initiate conversation, and she encouraged him to participate.
DAY 84
A few days later, Shira told Ben that his blindfold would be removed the following night. “I was hoping to come up with an idea for a symbolic ritual, but I couldn’t think of anything. Do you have any ideas for something we can do before the blindfold is removed?” she asked.
He had quite a few ideas, and Shira was naked in each one of them. “No, sorry,” he replied.
“Don’t be sorry. I’ll think of something by tomorrow.”
Dinner went on as usual.
Excitement took over his body. He wanted to see her, to examine her body language, to speak to her as an equal. That way he could better court her in the hopes she would respond to his courtship.
DAY 85
In the evening, Shira and Ben sat down to have their usual dinner. He still wore the blindfold. It took her a long time to prepare dinner, though she didn’t serve anything special.
When dinner was over, she took him to his mattress and hooked him up to the long chain. She led him to the center of the studio, sat him down and sat next to him.
“Don’t open your eyes until I say so, okay?” she said excitedly.
She removed the blindfold and then peeled off the bandages gently. He did as she had told him, toying with the idea that perhaps she was completely naked after all. She cleaned his face and the area around his eyes thoroughly with toner, then rubbed on some moisturizer. She moved away a little.
“You can open your eyes—now!” she said.
He blinked. It was hard for him to understand what he was seeing at first. Everything seemed blurry and the light was dim.
Shira turned off the light and lit candles. The studio looked cozy and romantic. The dim light didn’t blind Ben; thus, it was easier for him to get used to the sights. She sat on the side watching him regain his eyesight.
“Shira, where are you?” he said after a few moments. He couldn’t find her.
“I’m here.” She went over and sat in front of him. “I didn’t want to interrupt you.”
“You can never interrupt me,” he said, and looked at her. She looked even lovelier than he had remembered. At that moment, she seemed to him like the most beautiful woman he’d ever met. He couldn’t believe such a thing was even possible. It’s not that he didn’t think the women he dated weren’t pretty—he just thought that Shira overshadowed all of them. She had something none of the others had—she had his heart.
Shira was self-conscious, as Ben couldn’t stop staring at her. It was a new situation for her too. She felt vulnerable as his gaze penetrated through all her masks, right to her soul.
They sat opposite each other and felt a deeper connection between them. Their relationship had been very intimate for the past three months. They exchanged awkward, short glances and clumsy smiles.
“Shira,” he finally said.
“Yes?”
“You’re really pretty.”
“Thanks. So are you.”
“Thanks, but I mean not in the simple sense of the word.” He tried to explain.
She was puzzled.
“You’re… You’re full of charm that radiates and makes you shine.” He couldn’t believe he’d just said that. Were those his words or hers? He’d spent so much time in her company that he was beginning to talk like her.
Shira’s eyes gleamed with happiness. “I don’t know what to say,” she said after a moment.
He looked at her and she looked at him. They sat close to each other, and they slowly leaned toward each other without noticing. He wanted to kiss her on her lips, but when she realized that, she quickly cooled things off.
“I’m sorry. I can’t,” she said, and moved away from him.
“But why?”
She didn’t answer. She got up, gathered some things, and left the studio. She seemed mad.
At me? Ben wondered. He hadn’t done anything wrong, had he? He was no longer sure. Maybe she wasn’t allowed to as a caretaker? Ben thought. He knew the end of the treatment was near and that comforted him. Perhaps after the treatment was over, they could date like normal people.
Shira didn’t return to the studio that night. Most of the candles were out. Ben got up from where she had left him and walked to his bed. The metal chain dragged behind him on the floor.
He kicked it, annoyed. As long as he was attached to it, he couldn’t be with her, he thought. He lay do
wn on the bed, snuggled under the blanket, pulled it up with his teeth until it covered most of his body, and fell asleep.
DAY 86
The next morning, Ben felt invigorated after a good night’s sleep. He got up to a sunlit studio, and for the first time in a long while, he could see that. The world seemed to glow in its magnificent colors.
Shira returned to the studio and seemed to have forgotten all about what had happened the previous night. They went through their morning ritual. As usual, the meditation didn’t resonate with him. He peeked at his new love every so often. He enjoyed watching the sunlight illuminate her body and color her hair golden. His love and passion for her grew. He was certain he could find his way to her heart.
At lunch, she announced that a visitor was coming in the evening.
What visitor? he wondered, slightly anxious about the people Shira associated with.
“Don’t worry,” she reassured him. “It’s my best girlfriend. We visit each other regularly. She couldn’t come lately because of the treatment, but now I’m sure you’ll get along with her.”
However, Ben was still uneasy.
Toward the evening, the intercom buzzed and startled him.
“Ah! Here is Mika!” Shira rejoiced.
Mika? He thought. He couldn’t quite file that new fact in his mind.
Mika entered the studio smiling and sat down at the dining table next to Shira. Ben remained on his mattress. He watched them both from a distance. There was a clear similarity between them, the same body language and gestures. How could he not have noticed that before? They also shared their own private language.
The Light Between The Shadows Page 19