by Jeff Foster
Before I am a Christian or a Buddhist
Before I am good or bad, right or wrong
Before I am a success or a failure
Before I am enlightened or unenlightened
Before I am a man or a woman
Before I am this body or that body
Before I am anybody
Before I am “the one who knows”
Before I am “the one who doesn’t know”
Before I am this or that
Before I am something
Before I am anything
I am.
This no-thing that allows every-thing,
This wide open space,
Unlimited, incomprehensible,
In which every thought, sensation, feeling, arises and subsides,
Like waves in the ocean,
Ever-present,
Unchanging.
I Am.
Life itself.
This mystery.
Creation, destruction.
Like a cloudburst in the vastness...
I am born. Absolute is relative. Time. Space. Expansion. Contraction. I breathe in and out. I suckle my mother’s breast. I am 5 years old, 49 years old, 84 years old. I grow and learn. I am a student, teacher, artist, dancer, shopkeeper, doctor, mystic, monk, priest, farmer, scientist, adventurer, murderer, thief. I am a man. I am a woman. I am gay, straight, black, white, rich and poor, loved and unloved.
I am every mother, every father, every son, every daughter. I am every slave in ancient Rome. I am every child on the streets of Calcutta. I am every dying sun. The birth of every star.
I cannot ever be something without being nothing at all.
I cannot be nothing without being all there is.
This is crucifixion and resurrection.
This is love beyond understanding.
This is the heartbeat of the cosmos.
I am That.
HOW TO MEET HEARTBREAK
I was speaking with a friend who had suddenly lost someone very close to him. His heart was broken wide open. He felt raw, exposed, unprotected, vulnerable, devoid of answers, unable to comprehend the mysteries of birth and death and sudden loss, unable to comfort himself with clichés. Why do loved ones disappear overnight? Why does such beauty seem to vanish so quickly? Why is there such pain, and why is there such grace?
In search of answers, he had gone round the circuit of contemporary spiritual teachers, each of whom gave him a lecture about reality and what does or doesn’t lie ‘beyond’. One lectured about reincarnation, another about the experienceless experience of deep dreamless sleep, another about the soul’s journey after death, another about the pure perfection of pure uncontaminated awareness, and another simply laughed at his questions and made him feel like an unenlightened fool. None of the answers spoke to his broken heart.
Who would meet him in the midst of this raging fire? Who would validate his burning pain and the loss of his dreams? Who would, just for one moment, stop lecturing at him, stop telling him what they knew or believed to be true, and simply meet him as he was? Who would stop hiding behind their role as ‘spiritual expert’ or ‘perfect teacher’, and allow their heart to break with him, just for one moment? Who was willing to be that unprotected, that vulnerable, that open to life and the loss of the image?
Friends, are we ready to stop pretending that we have the answers? Are we ready to end our ceaseless regurgitation of spiritual clichés (“there is no self”, “nobody dies”, “everything is perfect”, “there is only Oneness”). Isn’t it time for us to wake up from this dream of nonduality, to let go of these final crutches of ours, these last barriers to the raw, fragile, precious truth of existence, and truly meet the one in front of us?
For it is our sons, our daughters, our mothers and fathers, husbands, wives and beloved friends who have just dropped dead. We are only ever meeting ourselves, and our hearts break together, as they must. No movement towards answers is necessary. No second-hand formulae about reincarnation, karma, soul journeys and the existence or non-existence of the afterlife will hold up here. No teachers, no students, no personal specialness at all, will ever survive this furnace of intimacy.
The broken heart requires no lectures. So let us meet, now.
THE RAIN
What’s worse, the falling rain, or your resistance to getting wet?
The changing winds, or your battle against them?
The grass as it grows, or your demand for it to grow faster?
This moment, or your rejection of it?
Consider the possibility that Life is never ‘against’ you.
You are Life.
ONLY CONNECT
On your deathbed, will you still care about all the arguments you won, about all the times you proved to others how ‘right’ or how ‘enlightened’ you were, about all the knowledge you amassed on your journey to this moment? Will you still be thinking about how much money you made or didn’t make, or how far you advanced up the material or spiritual or social ladder?
Or perhaps only this moment will matter, only the grace of each and every breath, only the precious fragility of life itself and the gratitude for it having been at all.
Like the dream of a childhood Christmas long ago, perhaps you will not remember the size or shape or the monetary value of the gifts that life offered, or what the gifts were wrapped in, or who got a bigger or better gift than you. Perhaps you will only remember the love and the longing and the hope with which the gifts were given, and received.
It was only ever about the connection.
THE SCREEN OF ACCEPTANCE
No matter what happens in a movie, the movie screen is not affected. As the main character ages, the screen doesn’t age. As time passes on the screen, time never passes for the screen. When the main character dies, the screen remains alive, and is not diminished. Even when the movie ends, the screen itself does not end, it just remains open for the next movie – a comedy, a horror, a romance, a silent movie from 1912, a three-dimensional blockbuster from 2014 – whatever it will be. The screen accepts it all unconditionally – movie or no movie at all. The screen never fights the movie, nor does it cling to it; that’s how it’s made, that’s its nature. It has no name, no age, no identity of its own, but allows those wonderful identities to parade themselves about, asking nothing in return. It is rarely appreciated, often ignored, but absolutely essential for the relative dance of life. The screen is pure love, pure acceptance with no opposite. It is what you are.
THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE
Speak your deepest truth, even if it means losing everything – your pride, your status, your image, even your way of life.
A life of lies and half-truths, the burden of unspoken things, will eventually suffocate you and everyone around you.
Give up everything for a truthful existence. Know that you can only lose what’s non-essential.
MY WAY
Life does not always go ‘my way’.
But ‘I’ never get in the way
Of life not going ‘my way’.
So life always goes my way.
I am the way of life.
Whichever way life goes, I go.
There is no way
That I can be separate from life’s way.
Life is the way.
So there is no ‘way’.
Life does not always go ‘my way’.
But ‘I’ never get in the way.
So life always goes my way.
Even when it doesn’t.
BEYOND THE IMAGE
I find truth in anything anyone ever says about me, so nobody can be my psychological enemy. Call me a fraud, I can find it. Call me a liar, I can find it. Call me a horrible failure, I can find it. Call me unreasonable, irresponsible, ignorant, deluded, full of ego, totally unenlightened, the worst being in the world, I can find all of it.
Like you, I am an unlimited ocean of consciousness, ever-present and forever free, and every thought, every sensation, every feeling,
every image, every dream, every sound, every smell, every fragile, gossamer-like appearance, transitory and beautiful, comes and goes like a wave in my unending embrace. As consciousness, I have nothing to hide, nothing to lose, no image to protect, and nothing to defend since nothing can threaten what I am. Everything dances in my presence. Every possible facet of experience is available to me, seen and held in what I am, and so I am profoundly connected to all humanity, and beyond. This recognition is truly the end of war, the end of protecting a mirage called ‘me’, the end of the defence of the false.
Next time you get triggered by someone’s opinion of you, ask yourself this: “What am I defending? An image of myself? If I can be aware of that image right now, can it really be who I am?” This inquiry is the key to unimaginable peace.
Be grateful to anyone who has ever given you any kind of honest feedback. They are your gurus, one and all.
ANOTHER DAY
Stop, just for a moment, and consider this: You’ve been given another day on this earth.
Let your heart break into a million pieces today, if it wants to. Allow yourself to cry today, if tears come. Feel vulnerable today, if vulnerability visits. Allow all of life to move through you, if it moves today.
A taste. A glance. A breath. The touch of a loved one’s hand. The vibrantly alive and familiar upsurge of joy or pain. This is a day of gratitude for the smallest and most ‘insignificant’ of happenings, even for those which seem unworthy of your gratitude.
This is not ‘just another day’. This is your first day, and your last day. Your birth day and your death day. Your only day. Your longed-for day of grace.
THE COMMITMENT
What happens when, even when we feel like leaving, abandoning the moment for the promise of a future salvation, we stay, sitting with the raw, unfiltered, boundlessly alive life-energy that is simply trying to express right now? What happens when, just for a moment, we stay with our pain, our fear, our doubt, our discomfort, our grief, our broken heart, even our numbness, without trying to change it, or fix it, or numb ourselves to it, or get rid of it in any way? What happens when, just for a moment, despite all urges to the contrary, we don’t “do” anything about our discomfort or grief, we drop all tricks and tactics and clever manipulations and, instead, we begin to deeply acknowledge what is here, saying hello to it, honouring its existence, listening to its deeper call, sinking into the mystery of it? What happens when we make the radical commitment to never turn away from this moment, as it dances in emptiness?
In reality, we are only ever given a moment of pain, and never more, although thought tries to project the pain into time, creating the story of “my past and future pain”, moving into the epic movie of “my lifelong struggle with pain”. But life itself is only ever a moment, and we are always spared from time itself. Can we meet the raw life energy as it arises right now? That is the question.
And who meets life? Is there anyone here separate from life in the first place? Is there any choice in the matter? Is there not just intimacy with all experience? Is the ultimate meeting not already happening? Am I not, as the ocean of consciousness, already totally inseparable from the waves of myself, the thoughts, sensations and feelings? Am I not already fully committed to these children of myself, these beloved expressions of my own blood and guts? Is this not an ancient devotion?
And so, it’s not so much that we need to make a commitment to fearlessly contact our embodied experience. It’s more a case of remembering this ancient promise that we already are. In the depths of our being, we are already fully devoted to being here. It is when we forget this primal commitment that we are, that we suffer and seek and long to return home.
“Move towards me”, our grief whispers. “Just for a moment. Do not be afraid. I am made of you.”
“But I don’t know how to move”, we reply.
“Then I shall move towards you. Do not be afraid. Here I come.”
TO YOUR KNEES
Life will eventually bring you to your knees.
Either you’ll be on your knees cursing the universe and begging for a different life, or you’ll be brought to your knees by gratitude and awe, deeply embracing the life that you have, too overwhelmed by the beauty of it all to stand or even speak.
Either way, they’re the same knees.
ON HOLY GROUND
They say to look upon God’s face
Would be unbearable
We would be blinded by light
Then I have died a thousand times over
I have burnt at the stake of existence
All images of myself have melted
And even that cannot be true
I say ‘God’ but I have to laugh –
The word has lost all meaning
God is only a metaphor
For this fragile gift of a life
For this precious moment, unrepeatable
For this consciousness, unspeakable
For a familiar look on a stranger’s face
For those icy winter branches
For each footstep, falling
There is no unholy ground
IN LOVE WITH LEPERS
Awakening is not a goal, nor is it a well-trodden path towards a fixed destination. It is not a personal achievement, nor an ex-clusive club for comfortable and well-read philosophers.
It is danger. It is falling madly in love with lepers. It is diving into mysterious waters.
A SILENT INTENTION
Perhaps it’s time to stop trying to ‘fix’ the one in front of you, to stop trying to give them answers or solve their problems. You’re not very good at that, friend. Your nature is not manipulation, but presence; not division, but wholeness.
Perhaps it’s time to stop pretending to be the all-knowing authority, the infallible teacher, the fully-healed expert. Even with the best of intentions, you may unknowingly be interfering with their natural healing processes. You may be keeping them dependent on you, distracting them from a deep trust in their own first-hand experience.
Remember, they may need to feel worse before they feel better. They may need to feel their pain more deeply before they open up to their true source of healing. They may need to die to who they thought they were, before they can truly live. True for them, true for you.
So relax. Breathe. Come out of the drama. Acknowledge your desire to change or fix or even pacify them.
Now, simply listen without judgement, and try to understand where they are now. Stand in their shoes. See clearly who and what is in front of you.
Perhaps the greatest help you can offer right now is your clarity and non-judgemental attention – your natural compassion. Bring that transmission; be that presence; offer that openness. Stay wide open to solutions that have not yet been born. Trust life’s strange processes. Be the silent intention – and the right words, actions, interventions, decisions, will come without effort.
Sanctify their moment by not running away. Mirror their own capacity to be present. Trust the ancient mystery of healing.
Perhaps the true medicine can flourish when ‘you’ get out of the way. Yes, drugs and good advice may numb or even remove symptoms, but an invitation to a deeper spiritual healing may be lurking just under the surface of things.
APRIL
There is a voice that doesn’t use words.
Listen.
– Rumi
ON RECEIVING UNEXPECTED NEWS
You receive some unexpected news. You notice a sinking feeling in your stomach. The mind projects all kinds of pictures about how life ‘could’ or ‘should’ have been. It feels like life has gone wrong, like a dream is dying, like something that was yours has been lost. It all seems so wrong, so unfair, so cruel.
You start focussing on what is missing, what isn’t here, what went away, what will never return. You no longer feel at home in the moment. You feel disconnected, isolated, separate, like you need some external circumstance to change for you to be at peace again, to once again find a stable equ
ilibrium.
But wait. Nothing has died except a dream of how it was ‘supposed to be’. But it wasn’t going to be that way. Not now. It is this way, now.
Perhaps nothing has gone wrong in the universe at all, and this moment is not a mistake, not an enemy to be feared or rejected, but a friend, here to be honoured and embraced.
When the focus is on what’s missing, what’s gone, what’s lost, we feel lost, homesick, ungrounded, separated from source, divided against ourselves, and ‘a house divided against itself cannot stand’. The never-ending story of lack begins with present-moment resistance.
When the focus is on what’s still here, and what never left, and what’s always here – when we remember who we really are, presence itself – we know that nothing fundamental has been lost. We feel aligned again, back home, even in the midst of devastating news. Perhaps the news was not a mistake at all. Perhaps it was yet another invitation to align, to turn towards the moment, to breathe deeply, and to remember who we are, which is never lost, never absent, never truly forgotten, and never far away. It is our peace, our joy and our unshakeable strength, our deeply rooted tree in a raging storm.
LIFE’S EMBRACE
Your life situation doesn’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to be blissed-out all of the time. You don’t always need to be certain, or right. You don’t need to be at peace all the time, or joyful all the time. You don’t need to be anything, in fact – since you are everything, and there is room for everything, here in the vast and unchanging ocean of Being that you are, an ocean that is radically open to all of those waves of experience as they arise and dissolve.
You are the backdrop of stillness in an ever-changing gossamer world, where nothing remains fixed and where all edges and boundaries are subject to decay and dissolution and mystery. You are what remains when all is gone, even the idea “all is gone” and “I am what remains”.