“You don’t want kids, Leen?”
“Not really ... I have already convinced myself of how great life could be without having kids. I had to find a way to cope, ya know?”
“Yeah, I do. Well, regardless of what the results are you will have a fulfilling life.”
“The issue is if Isaac will have a fulfilling life.”
“I really think you should talk to him, Charlene. Don’t wait until after you get the results.”
“I know ... I plan on telling him.”
For a few moments neither of them said anything else, then they made some more small talk and got off the phone. Paige didn’t want to be the annoying angel on Charlene’s shoulder, and Charlene wasn’t in the mood to be annoyed. Still, Charlene knew Paige was coming from a good place.
Paige’s talks were like therapy sometimes for Charlene, because Paige was the one person in her life that she could talk to about any and everything. Charlene had a couple of good friends, but none of them knew about this, except Tanai. And although the situation really affected their friendship they remained in touch through the years. When they were younger, their friendship was mainly confined to the school day, then once they got older they spoke over the phone from time to time. Still, no matter how many years they had been in each other’s lives, their friendship had lost its heart. The two of them had lost their innocence together. Being faced with such a grown-up situation at such a young age had brought them closer in one sense, yet had torn them apart.
Charlene wasn’t angry at Tanai, but her mother rarely allowed her to play with her after it happened. Ann Tanner, being as strict and religious as she was, was not only devastated by the news of Charlene being pregnant, but embarrassed. She was distraught over what the other church members might think. Charlene remembered feeling like her mother was more concerned about her getting pregnant than about the fact that she had almost died. As she got older, she resented her mother for not taking any blame, for not realizing that it was Charlene’s fear of her mother and her mother’s lack of acceptance of imperfection that made her resort to such extreme measures to begin with. Regardless of Charlene’s view, her mother was stuck in her ways. So not only did Charlene feel guilty, she felt ashamed all these years and she never quite regained all of her self-confidence back from that. She always felt like she was her mother’s biggest disappointment.
Charlene’s dad, on the other hand, although also strict and religious, was more understanding. Paige and her dad always had a better relationship, but it still wasn’t quite the kind where she could go to him about anything. He would discipline and scold her, but still for Charlene, his love was enough; just knowing that he accepted her meant the world to her. Sometimes she wondered if he would have stopped caring. But he continued to show Charlene his fatherly love from the moment it happened until the present; she never felt any difference in her relationship with him. He would even try to help her mother see things differently, to no avail. She was one stubborn woman, and she had her list of rights and wrongs and no one could tell her different. Paige was her trophy daughter, even though she was far from perfect. And after Paige survived her youth without getting pregnant or locked up, that made her the better woman in their mother’s eyes. Paige and Charlene both knew that, and so did everyone else who knew the family.
Still, in Charlene’s opinion, despite all of her struggles growing up, she definitely turned out to be quite a lady. She’d had her share of indiscretions, definitely so. But she hadn’t fallen by the wayside. She kept her head above water and kept on going. Even when she felt that she was the black sheep of her family, or like she wasn’t worthy of a man’s true love, she still got up every day and completed life’s tasks with the world never knowing her woes. There were many times when men made her feel low, when she was used and abused. There were times she would find herself practically living the life of a hooker, when she would sleep with men for money or gifts. Charlene would hear all the time what a beauty she was. Most men felt a sense of conquering when they got with her, but when they saw how easy she was, they would realize she wasn’t a treasure after all. She was a scorned beauty.
It wasn’t until one day, when she was twenty-two years old, that she decided she wanted a fresh start. She was tired of those lonely nights, and of pretending to herself. To start anew she denied her past, changed her ways, and handled her life and men differently. That’s where her lies and deceit with Isaac came in to play. She never had planned on having to be the old Charlene again, so she never had prepared for the day when the old Charlene would make an appearance.
Chapter 9
The street was filled with parents and their kids, or maybe that’s all Charlene seemed to notice. A small girl was walking alongside her mother and as she moved forward she danced. She was dancing to a tune inside her own head because no one else could hear it. She was about three years old, all of her hair was brushed into two pigtails and you could tell her mom, like a lot of black mothers, gave her the Vaseline face for moisturizer. The little girl was dressed in a beige jumper-style dress with some black Mary Jane shoes and was having herself a good old time making her way down Yonkers Avenue. Charlene was following right behind her on her way to the corner deli for a sandwich.
She had about thirty minutes left on her lunch break; she had stopped by Pay Half to buy a few shirts before she picked up her meal. Usually she stayed inside for lunch, checking her MySpace page, and more lately, checking wedding Web sites. However, today she wanted to go outside for a little bit, add a little excitement to her week. She was happy that she chose to, because the sight of this adorable little girl filled with so much joy immediately jumped right into Charlene and left her feeling just as joyous. The little girl caught Charlene’s eye at one point and Charlene gave her a big smile, and the little girl smiled right back.
Unfortunately Charlene had to stop walking behind her dose of joy to go where she was headed to begin with. She went inside the deli and walked up to the counter. She was familiar with the clerk.
“Hey, sweetie,” he said to her as soon as she approached.
“Hey, Jose,” she said back.
“What can I get you today?”
“I’ll take honey turkey on a roll, with cheese, lettuce—” she replied.
Before she could finish, there was an interruption. “And mayo with a little salt and pepper.”
She looked over her shoulder, and there was Rich looking absolutely fine as hell, if she did say so herself. He was dressed in a cream Polo button-up, dark blue jeans and cream and tan Timberlands. He had a fresh cut, and his light complexion was just glowing. His light eyes were just piercing down at Charlene, and for a quick moment she was speechless. He gave her one of his electrifying grins as soon as she turned to see who the familiar voice belonged to.
“Hey, Rich,” she said, grinning from ear to ear.
Before he could reply, Jose interrupted. “So, lettuce, cheese, mayo, salt and pepper?”
“Yes, Jose, I’m sorry,” she said as she quickly turned to him and then back to Rich.
The gorgeous, just-caused-a-huge-argument-between-her-and-her-fiancé Rich. Looking in his face, she knew he was worth the trouble. Although Charlene had only been with Rich on and off, they were some of the most magical times in her life. Early on he didn’t know much about her, but that didn’t last long. Mount Vernon wasn’t a big town, everybody knew somebody that knew everybody. So it wasn’t long before somebody who knew everybody knew Rich. Rich slowly began treating Charlene different from the way other guys did. But after a while it went from great to Rich feeling like maybe they should “slow things down.” That was pretty much when their relationship lost any potential, but Charlene took what she could get. Eventually it got worse, but they never stopped communicating. They had seen each other and spoken on the phone on occasion since then, but they hadn’t been physical in some time. There was one time after she first got with Isaac, that she had had a run-in with Rich and she slipped up and sl
ept with him. She just couldn’t resist his smile and swagger. He had that magnetism they say Billie Dee Williams has. Charlene knew Rich definitely had something. Luckily, she felt so bad on that one occasion that she refrained from any other run-ins.
However, here she was running in to him again. The chances weren’t that unlikely, because White Plains, where Rich lived, and Mount Vernon both had only so many businesses and things to do. It was just ironic that it was so soon after the answering machine incident.
“Where are you coming from?” she asked him.
“I was at a meeting on Central Avenue.”
“Dressed like that?”
“It was just something informal, nothing big.”
“Oh, OK. Well, I’m on my lunch break, about to head back in a few.”
“How much longer you got?”
“About twenty-five minutes probably.”
“OK, I’ll drive you back.”
Her initial thought was to say sure, but then she worried about what it would look like if someone saw them together. She knew that as a newly engaged woman, it wasn’t going to look good for her to be seen on her lunch break sharing a car with a guy she used to share a bed with. Who would believe that they had just bumped into each other? Isaac especially wouldn’t, not after he had just heard that message and found out that they had never broke contact completely.
“No, it’s OK. I’ll walk back, it’s not that far,” she spit out.
“It’s at least eight blocks, and it is windy out there ... It’s nothing for me. I’m going back that way, anyway.”
Charlene wasn’t sure how she could turn down his offer, especially when it seemed so logical and she seemed so silly to say she’d rather walk back. She wasn’t sure if Rich could read what the real reason was and didn’t care, or if he really was sincere.
“OK, let me just grab a drink and we can go.”
She walked to the coolers in the back of the deli, picked up a cold Lipton Green Tea and headed to the counter. She thought about the odds of her being seen with Rich, and she decided it would be almost impossible for it to get back to Isaac. It was less than a five-minute drive, it really wasn’t that big of a deal. By the time she finished paying for her lunch, she hadn’t thought of another excuse to turn down his offer, and so she headed out the door with him to his car.
A 2007 S-Class beeped and the lights blinked on and off. She looked over at Rich and he was the one aiming a remote at that beautiful car, parked a few feet from the store entrance. She had no idea he had gotten a new car, or that he had stepped it up quite so nicely. She was happy to see it, though, not just because it was a nice car but because it had very dark tints and now she wasn’t as worried about being seen with him.
He pulled out and without saying a word began driving down the street. Charlene was happy to see Rich, and although nervous, she enjoyed being in his presence even if only for a moment. Rich was one of the good catches from around her way. He was one of the guys who made the girls in her old neighborhood jealous that she had him, too. He and everyone else knew he was fine, and he was always looking and acting like fresh money. Even if she did have a chance to get Rich to settle down with her, and hadn’t wanted Isaac anymore, there was still that one issue: that with Rich came her past. And that wasn’t a package deal she was willing to accept.
After a few moments down the road, he started talking about a mutual friend that had just got out of jail and how he was doing. She pretended to be very interested, even though she only cared slightly. It seemed that he didn’t realize how detached she was from that world, or at least how she tried to be. She was constantly trying to mentally block out those days of her life when she had no control and very little class. So she sat there listening to Rich, and saying very little in return, waiting for the car to stop in front of her office building. Although Charlene knew that her life was better now than it had been in quite some time, she also knew that there were pros and cons to both lifestyles. She definitely knew that a life with no expectations and no secrets to bury was a lot easier than the life she was leading now. She couldn’t deny that her old ways tempted her from time to time to live in the moment, and Rich with his fine self wasn’t helping right now. Luckily, before she could act or think about any of the temptations, she was getting out of his car heading back to work.
The good-bye was simple and quick. His smile and wink were torturous.
Chapter 10
They had only been engaged a few weeks, and already there seemed to be this unspoken tension. Charlene had been distancing herself, fearing her guilt was written all over her face. She wasn’t sure what his issue was exactly, but he seemed to have a chip on his shoulder since the answering machine message situation, and she thought it was going on too long. They were back in their usual routine, but he seemed to be a little less talkative, and less enthused about their new engagement.
After seeing Rich yesterday, and remembering what her life used to be, she knew that she should probably ensure that her present life was moving as smoothly as possible. Deep down she almost felt like that didn’t matter until they were actually married—because deep down she wasn’t truly convinced that she would make it down the aisle. She felt like even if they miraculously made it to that point, hers would be that one-in-a-million wedding where someone stood up and objected when the reverend asked the guests if they wanted to speak or forever hold their peace. Besides, she knew that nothing in life was guaranteed and it was still hard for her to believe she could actually have a perfectly happy life, so she expected the drama to always be right around the corner.
She was feeling a little concerned about her relationship with Isaac. Despite her fear of losing him, she damn sure wasn’t ready to. Also, she knew if and when that day came she would go out fighting for him. The more she thought about it, the more she was convinced that she should make all the effort she could to make Isaac see that he was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. He had proposed to her, so he had to know she loved him. Still, she was nervous that he didn’t trust her 100 percent, although she knew deep in her heart that she hadn’t earned all of his trust or love. More than anything she wanted somehow to get him to trust her and to know that she would never hurt him. Yet, on the other hand, she had this secret that would hurt him if he found out. How was she to convince him of her love when she was afraid he would find out the secret stuff about her one day and then wouldn’t trust her again? She decided that she should go ahead and tell him before he found out, but that she should present it as something she was completely regretful of and apologetic about and not throw it in with a discussion about their other issues.
Isaac was supposed to come over to her place, just for a visit. They had both finally made copies of their apartment keys to exchange, and he was going to help lift and stack her bins of summer clothes in the back of her closet. He said he would be by around 7:30 PM, so she left work exactly on time and headed straight home.
Once she arrived at her place, she got comfortable and began preparing dinner for herself and Isaac. The last time he was over things didn’t go so well, so she wanted this time to be better. She was safe and cleared her answering machine, and straightened up the living room area and the bedroom. She was sifting through the mail when her doorbell rang. She placed the mail back down on the end table and went to the door. She was dressed in a cropped white wife beater, exposing her great abs and pierced belly button, and some light gray spandex. Her hair was in a curly ponytail and she still had on traces of the makeup she had applied before work. She looked casual yet very sexy, her favorite look. As soon as she opened the door, she greeted him with one of her angelic smiles. Isaac returned the look of endearment and stepped inside her apartment. He gently kissed her on the forehead as she leaned in for it with her eyes closed. They both then proceeded to the living room.
Once settled he began to look for the remote.
“What are you making?” he asked.
“Just some b
aked chicken and rice,” she replied.
“Can I have a glass of water?”
“Sure,” she answered as she headed back to the kitchen.
She couldn’t put her finger on it, but she felt something. A wall of some sort between them, and not the one that she had built from day one. It was a new one, and she didn’t quite know where it came from. She would have assumed it was about the message on her answering machine, but it had been over a week, and he didn’t act as if he was still upset about it. She knew she was going to have to make an extra effort tonight to get things back to normal. She had walked on enough eggshells hiding her past and trying to be perfect; she didn’t need the extra stress.
She came back in the living room with a tall glass of water and sat it down in front of him. By then he had already located the remote and had started channel surfing. She sat next to him for a second, looking for a way to break the ice. She took her legs and slowly wrapped them around his waist, and sat on him, facing him. As she seductively cuddled her body closer to his, he lifted his arm to make some distance.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I was watching something, and now you’re in my way.”
Offended by the rejection, Charlene quickly removed herself from his lap.
“Not like that, I’m just saying.”
“What are you saying? I try to have your undivided attention and I can’t have it for a second?”
“I just got here, I had a long day at work, can I just relax for a second?” Isaac asked.
Charlene thought about his response, and she knew he had a point. Besides, if they started having sex, the food would burn, so she took it as a good thing. Still, Charlene didn’t take rejection well, especially when it came to denying her sex. She was used to using that to get what she wanted, so when a man turned it down it made her feel powerless. This situation was no different. If Isaac had looked in her face he would have seen the sad look in her eyes, but he kept his eyes on the television.
She's No Angel Page 6