“This is about Jay.” Not a question.
Susanna explained her impressions about Jay’s conflict and summed up her thoughts with one diplomatic statement. “He wants to leave but seems to be having a hard time letting go.”
To her surprise, Walter chuckled. “That’s one way to phrase it. That boy was always hardheaded.”
Susanna smiled. She’d seen that part of Jay herself.
“Jay’s not letting go because he doesn’t want to leave.”
Okay, she was finally going to ask the question. “Then why is he selling The Arbors?”
“Because he doesn’t want things to stay the way they are and he doesn’t know how to change them. I’ve told him. He doesn’t listen.”
She’d seen that part of Jay, too. “Does losing his mother have something to do with his wanting to leave?”
“I think so. If you look at the big picture, it’s not hard to see why he wound up where he is. He went from having a big family to being the only one left here. When he was a little kid, he had parents, grandparents, great-grandparents. Everyone was involved. Or needed caring for. Then one by one they were gone. Jay’s mom took ill with Alzheimer’s and wound up here. His dad died not long afterward. Now that was a tragedy. Perfectly healthy man until one day he collapses at the grocery store. Massive heart attack.”
“Oh, how sad.” Susanna wrapped her arms around her middle, as if she could ward off the wave of hurt. For as much as Skip had suffered with his illness, he’d been so grateful to have the chance to make the most of his last minutes with his family, to say his goodbyes. Susanna had been, too.
“When Jay should have been filling up the house with his own family, he was too busy helping his old Gran run this place and taking care of his mom.”
“And Drew hasn’t been around to help.”
Walter shook his head. “Don’t get me started on that boy.”
“And you really don’t think Jay wants to leave?”
“Does he act like someone who wants to leave?” Walter scowled. “Ask him what he wants to do with his life, and he doesn’t have a clue. He just knows he doesn’t want to keep doing what he’s doing. Selling this place isn’t his answer. He’ll live to regret it, you mark my words.”
“Maybe this time away will help him think things through.”
“Maybe, but I wouldn’t hold your breath. Susanna, you have to understand Jay looks at me and sees himself.”
“How is that bad?”
Walter leaned back in his chair and toyed with a pen between long fingers, contemplating. “Well, it’s not really about me. That’s the problem. Jay looks at me and sees a life gone by. Just biding time and still here at The Arbors. He doesn’t usually factor in that I did a lot of living before I even got here. Or that I did a lot of living while I was here. He doesn’t feel as if he has.”
“But I don’t understand why. His grandmother may have been older, but from what I’ve heard, she was always on the move.”
“She was that.” His expression reflected fond memories.
“What’s holding Jay back?”
Walter shrugged. “Only Jay can answer that question.”
She frowned. “But you must have an idea.”
“I do.”
That was all he said. She wouldn’t pressure him no matter how much she wanted to ask. But then Walter smiled. And right then Susanna knew for all the business decisions between them, for any disapproval or conflict of concern that Walter might have had about Northstar taking over, he’d already seen what she hadn’t shared—that she genuinely cared about Jay.
“Susanna, suffice to say Alzheimer’s has had a big impact on Jay’s life from the get-go. You couple that with the fact he’s so capable and caring, and you wind up with a young man who never felt it was right to leave and who never figured out how to create his own life here.”
Susanna could totally see it. Jay caring for everyone around him, putting out every single fire that flared, the man to depend on, all the while brushing aside his own desires.
Caring for everyone’s needs but his own.
Year after year, decade after decade, until he was ready to run screaming.
To Tahiti with tiki torches flickering in the beach breeze.
“He is such a good man,” she said softly.
Walter met her gaze with those fading eyes that saw so much. “He is. One of the very best.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
OKAY, PUERTO VALLARTA wasn’t Tahiti, but the coastline was different from the Atlantic beach trips Jay had been making all his life. He wanted to experience luxury redefined where relaxation and adventure were at his fingertips.
He’d genuinely considered Tahiti but couldn’t rationalize the expense with what he’d paid the arborist and his crew to trim the arbors. Not without sitting pretty on his portion of the sale at any rate. And at the rate things were going, he wouldn’t be sitting pretty anytime soon.
Not and still be able to look himself in the mirror.
So he made the best of the time he had because he didn’t feel right leaving Susanna for too long. He boarded a plane and forced everything out of his head. He needed to clean the slate, to take a deep breath, to unwind, so he could think.
He relaxed at a world-class spa and found adventure fishing on a deep-sea excursion. He stayed up late walking along the beach. He slept late, unworried about people who might need him. He let the constant crash of the Pacific surf lull him.
He ate in five-star restaurants when he was hungry and slept through dinner when he wasn’t. He drank intensely alcoholic drinks with little umbrellas in the middle of the day.
He didn’t even text Susanna for the first five days. She had his number and had promised to call if the roof caved in.
And he was okay with that. Because day by day he thought less about what was going on in North Carolina and more about what was happening in Puerto Vallarta. Until one day, the day he’d taken his first scuba diving lesson; in fact, he made it back to his room after dark, sat down with a beer completely sunburned and exhausted from the day, and realized he hadn’t thought about home once all day. It was as if North Carolina and everyone in it had fallen off the planet.
Except for Susanna.
Thoughts of her managed to creep in as he sat in bed watching episode after episode of Special Victims Unit. He remembered the way she curled around him as they lay together in bed at night, her cheek pressed to his chest, her breaths soft against his skin.
How she hopped out of bed in the morning, asleep one minute then fully awake the next, going from room to room, opening the plantation shutters, flooding the cottage with sunlight.
The way she propped up against pillows, reading before bed, her lashes fluttering shut and chin dropping to her chest as she dozed with the book still in her hands. When he’d go to take the book, she’d awake instantly and whisper in that drowsy voice, “I’m not asleep. Just resting my eyes.”
He wondered what she’d look like in a bikini with all those delicate curves, her beautiful body such a tempting combination of womanly softness and neatly maintained strength.
Did she even like the beach? If so, did she prefer splashing around in the surf or tanning on the shore?
There was so much about Susanna he didn’t know.
And wanted to.
Something happened then because the next morning as he walked the beach, deciding how he wanted to spend the hours until sunset, he noticed two boys fishing in the
distance.
The smaller of the two cast then stood visibly bristling with impatience as the line drifted back toward shore. The other one cast then leaned over with some suggestion or advice. Probably telling the fidgety kid to chill out. Then their lines tangled and they started bickering.
Jay thought of himself and Drew, remembered long-ago fishing trips with their dad and grandfather, remembered dragging the skiff out into the middle of the lake themselves when they could sneak away for a few hours during summer afternoons before someone gave them something else to do—like repair rotting slats on the fence around the barn, repainting the gallery railing at the house, pruning the arbors or the thousand other things that needed doing around home.
He also remembered Drew asking, “What’s with this family?”
Alzheimer’s was what was with this family. That much didn’t need saying. Drew had run from the reality of their genetics and regretted handling things that way. He was worried that Jay was doing the same. Is that what Jay was doing?
He smiled and wished those young boys a good catch as he passed and continued his walk in the surf, amazed by how clear everything suddenly seemed in his uncluttered brain, as clear and sharp as the sun sparkling on that Pacific surf.
Finally.
* * *
SUSANNA STROLLED THROUGH the arbors with Walter, Chester and the arborist, inspecting the work. The annual pruning had been completed in a week, but the crew had discovered rotting wood on the trellises that supported the climbing roses. She’d learned then that the climbing roses weren’t actually true vines. They relied upon the trellises for support, so after conferring with Chester, she had Walter authorize the funds to have the work done. Replacing the wood without disturbing the climbers was a delicate job but after they were resecured to the new portions of trellis, they appeared to have never even been touched. The arborist proudly displayed his work by giving the new wood a sturdy shake.
“These old beauties are good to go. Unless a hurricane blows through, and I happen to know they’ve weathered a few of those already.”
“Mr. C.’s going to be real happy with the job you did,” Chester said.
Butters and Gatsby arrived then, tails wagging as they barreled right into midst of the group looking for attention.
“Hi, guys.” Susanna knelt, petting the dogs to keep them from knocking down Walter in their excitement.
“Come with me and I’ll write you the check.” Walter glanced at Susanna. “You heading back?”
“You go ahead.” She smiled at the arborist. “Please don’t forget to leave that information about the monthly service contract with Walter, okay?”
“You got it, Ms. Adams,” the arborist replied before following Walter and Chester to the golf cart, leaving Susanna and the dogs alone in the bright noon sun.
“Come on over here, guys.” She plopped down and tucked her feet up on the bench. “That’s better. I’m tired today.”
Not such a surprise as she’d pulled an all-nighter when a family had arrived on the property to tour the facility at midnight. Susanna had thrown on clothes and arrived quickly, but as they’d traveled in from Delaware, they hadn’t been in a hurry to leave. Susanna had invited them into her office, where she’d served steaming mugs of VIA, and chatted for two hours about The Arbors and the care they could expect for their mother.
Idly stroking the dogs’ heads, she savored the warmth of a sunbeam and hoped Chester was right and Jay would be pleased. She hadn’t mentioned the job to him.
In fact, they hadn’t spoken all that much in the nearly five weeks he’d been away. He texted the occasional cell phone photo of a particularly beautiful sunset or plumeria blossom. He called every few days, and began the conversation by asking, “Anything I need to know?”
She’d been fortunate enough to be able to honestly answer, “Not a thing.”
Then the conversations were strictly about them. How Susanna was holding up with her and the dogs at night. How the dogs were behaving. What was going on with Brooke and Brandon. How Jay was enjoying his downtime. What his latest adventure involved. Scuba diving. Snorkeling. Deep-sea fishing. The latest political thriller in a beach chair while getting plowed on local rum.
She was happy he was having a good time but yearned to be with him. She missed him terribly but was glad she could provide peace of mind so he could actually leave. She felt relieved she didn’t have anything eventful to share and protective of his need for privacy when anyone asked where he was.
And, always, she felt the stress of knowing this situation mirrored the reality of their lives.
In order for Jay to leave, she’d need to stay.
If Jay stayed, she’d need to leave.
Then there was the biggest life-changer of all, a life-changer responsible for her erratic emotions, a life-changer yet to be addressed.
Susanna must have dozed in that glorious sunbeam because the next thing she knew the dogs’ barking awakened her.
Yawning widely, she opened her eyes and found Jay, as though kneeling in the walkway beneath the neatly trimmed arbors was exactly where he should be.
His beautiful green eyes raked over her, a melting expression. “Sorry to disturb you. You looked so peaceful.”
Something inside her sighed in relief at the sound of his voice—he wasn’t a dream. “You’re home.”
“Straight from the airport.”
Pushing into a sitting position, she resisted the impulse to go to him. Suddenly the most important thing in her world was feeling his arms around her. But the dogs were busy trying to lick his face. All was right in their world again.
Susanna said the only thing she could think to say. “You look well.”
“Enjoyed myself immensely. I’m not going to lie. Need to take vacations more often.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“Only one thing would have made the trip better.”
“What’s that?”
“If you’d have gone with me.”
That worried place inside eased up a bit more. Susanna understood that what had been happening inside Jay had started long before she’d entered the picture.
“I’m glad you’re home.” She’d fallen in love against all practical arguments, was relieved to see him again, so healthy and alive and incredibly handsome with his deeply tanned skin and sun-bleached hair.
She hadn’t realized until this very moment that she’d never seen him at peace. What came next didn’t matter so much, not when she knew he’d found whatever he’d gone in search of.
“I missed you,” he said softly, and she saw her own longing mirrored in his gaze, which suddenly looked so much greener against his burnished skin.
“Me, too.” Such simple words that weren’t simple at all.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Fine. I didn’t sleep last night. The Coltranes came in from Delaware for a midnight visit. By the time they left, I figured I’d play catch-up tonight.”
He didn’t ask how the visit went.
“I didn’t think you’d be back until sometime next week.” Before he had to give Northstar a firm decision.
The sudden intensity of his expression warned that there was nothing casual about his mood. “There wasn’t any need to stay away. I know what I need to do.”
Was it possible time stopped? That the breeze no longer rustled the dry leaves overhead? That the birds scrambling in the nearby brush silenced their chirping twitt
ers? That the sun stopped baking the midday air with its heat, a drowsy effect that was contagious?
Even Butters and Gatsby seemed unnaturally still, as if sensing their future rested on Jay’s next words.
“I won’t be signing the papers, Susanna.”
His admission filtered through her slowly. He would stay, which meant she would go. Hopefully not to Seattle.
“You’ll be at peace with that decision, Jay?” That was all that mattered.
“Once I got away, I started thinking with a bit of clarity, and I knew what I wanted. Not all that hard to figure out once I realized what my problem was.” He chuckled, a bit sheepishly, as if he still couldn’t quite believe the answer had been there when he’d looked for it.
“Oh.” She waited.
Pushing to his feet, he sat beside her on the bench, stretching his legs before him. He reached for her hand and threaded his fingers through hers, the casual touch of a man with the right to touch. “What I want isn’t out there. It’s here with the people I care about. You helped me figure that out. I need to start living again. That’s been my problem all along. I can’t run from that.”
Susanna had no words, nothing profound to say. All she could do was squeeze his hand to acknowledge the enormity of this admission, manage her own heartbeat, which was suddenly racing.
“I’m the only one holding me back from living my life. And now I know what I want, I need to get out of my own way. I know what I want.”
Their gazes met for a suspended instant and she knew right then what he was going to do. Leaning forward, he pressed his mouth to her forehead, such a tender touch.
“I want you, Susanna.” Then he rested his forehead against hers and they were nose to nose, breath to breath.
“What about the family you want?” she whispered.
“You’ve got one. I’m thinking there’s a place for me in it. Brooke and Brandon are great. I liked them, and they liked me. One day they’ll have kids of their own, who’ll need a granddad. I can be that. I can’t think of anything I want more.”
The Time of Her Life Page 26