by Laura Howard
“Morning,” I said.
“Maybe I should have called first?” Ben asked, sliding the sunglasses down to examine my robe.
“Um,” was all I could say before Ben’s gaze averted to something over my shoulder.
“Who is it, babe?” Noah asked from the kitchen above. He made his way down the stairs and wrapped an arm around my waist, nodding at Ben in greeting.
“Here. You two have these. I'll just come back later,” Ben said with a wink as he passed me the coffees and pastry bag.
I felt numb as Noah pulled me back from the door and swung it shut. He was still dressed in only his boxers.
“Let's see about that omelet,” he said, like nothing had just happened.
“What the hell was that?” I asked, looking at him.
“What do you mean?”
“Don't play the idiot card. I cannot believe you just embarrassed me like that.”
“Don't give me that crap. You know perfectly well what it was. You want me to spell it out for you? Fine. I was jealous."
Whatever tension had eased between us over the past twenty-four hours was rapidly reforming.
“I know you were jealous. Your behavior is what I don't understand. I'm surprised you didn't just pee on me," I said raising my voice.
“Worried I burned your chances with him?”
“That has nothing to do with it, you hypocrite. Need I remind you that you’re the one in a relationship?”
“I told you it was over last night.”
“You told me you broke up, and then you persuaded me to let you into my bed because it was what you needed. Are you sure it's over? What if she just sees it as just a fight?”
“I went out with her for two months. Don't make it sound like we were engaged.”
“I wasn’t thrilled to meet Danielle, but I was civil to her and I showed her respect because I care about you. And because I have manners. Ben has been there for me through some really hard times. He stopped by to bring me a coffee and you decided it was a good time to become a caveman?”
“I have no intention of going back to her. Last night had no meaning for you?”
“More than you could imagine. But last night was physical. I'm not stupid, I am very aware of what was said and what was not.”
He sneered. “You didn't seem to care about that when I was deep inside you.”
He was going for blood.“You really know how to hurt me, don't you?” I said. I could have told him then that Ben was gay and he was being a jerk for nothing. But the knowledge that he'd moved on and I hadn't still felt too raw.
“I'm sorry,” he said, scrubbing his hands over his face. “I shouldn't have said that. But you know what we feel for each other.”
I wasn't missing the three words he wasn’t saying. We had way too much stuff to sort through before we could even consider getting back together.
“That was never the problem,” I said. I couldn't hold back anymore. The accusation had sat on my tongue for too long. “You know, Jack blamed me for our relationship falling apart because I was the one who left. But you know very well that you checked out long before I went to London.”
He was silent for a while before he finally spoke. “You’re right.”
“So don't act like I'm the one who’s afraid. I gave you everything. I can't give you anything else. You've already taken it all.”
“Things are different now,” he said.
“Maybe they are, but this is never going to work until we deal with our issues.”
“Kate.”
“Go home, Noah.” I rushed up the stairs to my bedroom and picked up his clothes. Obviously I was still too weak where he was concerned and I needed time to figure out what to do next.
“You're being irrational,” he said from the bedroom door.
I threw his clothes at him.
“Get the hell out of this house,” I said as I pushed past and stomped down the stairs.
“You need to calm down and we need to talk about this.” Noah trailed me down to the living room and stood behind me.
“We do. And we will. But right now, I just need you to get out.” I wrapped my arms around my middle, refusing to look at him. “I need to be alone for a while.”
“I'm not going to let this go,” he said, and I could hear the sound of his jeans sliding up.
“I appreciate that. But if you care about me, you need to give me space right now.”
He exhaled roughly and made his way to the door. I followed at a distance. He turned, desperation in his hazel eyes. “You know how I feel about you, Kate.”
“Likewise,” I said closing the door.
I wasn't going to cry. I had done all my crying the night before.
Ben walked into the kitchen twenty minutes later to find me sulking on a bar stool at the kitchen island. I'd eaten the four lemon-filled pastries he'd brought over, but the coffees sat untouched. He removed the lids and examined them before putting them in the microwave.
“Anything you'd like to tell Big Ben?” he asked as he placed one of the coffees in front of me.
“I'm pretty sure you can figure out most of it for yourself.”
“So tell me about your little romp. What possessed you to follow my advice?” he asked as he tried to save the omelet that still sat in its pan.
“I didn't plan this, Ben.”
“I reckon these things are seldom planned,” he said with a sigh.
“I met his girlfriend last night.”
“Ah,” he said as if that explained it all.
“The waitress at the cafe we went to knew us from high school and assumed we were still together. She made some comments and Danielle didn't take it very well.”
“You mean she threw a hissy fit?” Ben said.
“She was jealous, so she threw some low punches,” I said.
“But of course you beat the hell out of her,” he said, looking over his shoulder at me.
“Not exactly. I was the one who left the place in tears,” I said.
“And then?”
“Noah showed up here. Apparently they broke things off after I left. So we had a stroll down memory lane.”
“Is that what you crazy kids call it these days?” Ben said, deadpan.
“I was weak,” I said before I sipped my coffee
“Why are you so upset if you had a night of great sex with the man you obviously still love?”
“I'm not saying I didn't want to do it, but we still have a lot of stuff that isn't resolved.”
“I'm not sure I see why it's such a bad thing,” he said. He grabbed one of the plates I'd set out and scooped the omelet onto it.
“Well, if Danielle hadn't said what she did, they'd still be together. He can't say he never stopped loving me or that we’re meant to be together. Not that he actually said any of that. The truth is he never tried to get me back. He started another relationship instead. He wanted to try to make things work with someone else. And he wanted that because he believed it was over with us.”
“But he doesn't want her back, does he?” Ben asked.
“If my brother were still alive, he would have been in Danielle's bed, not mine. He has to want me despite the past we share. I don't want to be with him just because it's convenient. Not even because he's great in bed.”
“Though that is a perk, right?” Ben said, wiggling his eyebrows.
I just laughed and drank my coffee.
“I know what you need,” Ben said, pointing his fork at me.
I raised my eyebrows, waiting.
“Your parents won't be back for a couple days, so I'm going to the store. When I get back we're having a day full of daiquiris and Channing Tatum.”
Chapter 4
I dropped Ben off at the airport on Saturday morning. Before joining the security line, he pulled me in for a hug.
“Don't you worry, I'll send all your things to you in no time,” he said, pulling back to grin at me. The boarding house where I'd spent the past seven mon
ths was a short walk from Ben's flat in London.
A gray cloud had settled over my head, and even his dazzling smile couldn't pull me out of my funk.
“I almost wish I were headed back to London with you,” I said.
“Oh, rubbish. Be with your family now. They need you. And you may even need them.”
“They're probably better off without me,” I mumbled.
“Well, there’s plenty of unfinished business you need to take care of whether you want to or not,” he said, then leaned down to kiss my hair.
“Call me when you're home safe, I don't care what time it is,” I said, sniffling.
“Stop that now, Mary Katherine. I don't want anyone to think you actually have kind feelings toward me.” With that, he turned and joined the line.
I left the airport with a hollow feeling in my chest. Having Ben in my hometown had allowed me to distract myself from the reality that Jack was really and truly gone.
I pulled my mother's car into its spot at my parents’ house and was surprised to see my sister's bicycle propped up by the door. When I walked into the kitchen, she was sitting at the bar doing a crossword puzzle.
“Hey Mags,” I said.
She looked up at me, and for the first time since returning home, I noticed there was something different about her. She looked older…and about as tired as I felt.
“Hey.”
“Weren't you at the lake with Mom and Dad?”
“Yeah, but Kelsey texted me and asked if I wanted to hang out today. So I came home.”
“Kelsey? That's kind of weird.”
Maggie shrugged and went back to the crossword. I stood there watching her for a second. Whereas Jack and I were blonds, Maggie had thick brown hair and green eyes like our mother. Her face was round and sweet and her skin as smooth as buttermilk. She twisted a chunk of her hair around her finger as she concentrated on her puzzle.
“So what are you gonna do?”
“We're going for lunch at The Pickle Barrel. That's all I know.”
I wondered when she and Kelsey had become friends. She’d never mentioned it during any of our conversations while I was in the UK. Maybe Jack's death was what had brought them closer.
“Were you really out with Noah Thursday night?”
I froze. Maggie’s tone made the question more of an accusation. I narrowed my eyes at her.
“I was. Why did you say it like that?”
She smoothed out her expression and shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. “No reason, just surprised.”
A thousand questions filtered through my brain. Before I had a chance to ask any of them, my phone beeped, letting me know I had a text. Ben was somewhere over the Atlantic by now, so I had a pretty good idea who it would be from.
Sure enough, it was from Noah.
I'm sorry. Truce?
I didn't answer right away. I went into the living room and sat cross-legged on the couch. After staring at the open phone in my lap for a long moment, I finally typed a message back. I couldn’t deny I wanted to see him again, but I didn’t want to make this too easy for him.
There will be conditions.
He replied immediately.
I wouldn't expect anything less.
He thought he knew me so well. And maybe he did, but I had to maintain the upper hand here.
No friends with benefits.
Chew on that, I thought.
Of course not. I know I need to earn it.
Oh, he was good.
Okay. Truce.
For some reason, it still felt like I was giving in too easily, but he had always had that effect over me. My phone rang and I answered it before it finished the first ring.
“Can I take my best friend out to dinner and a movie?” Noah said in a mock serious tone.
I decided to play along. “That sounds fine, let me check my calendar.”
“Wow, how far out are you booking? I was hoping for tonight.”
“Oh, okay. I guess I could squeeze you in.”
“I really am sorry I was so immature. You just make me feel like I'm still the little boy who followed you around like a puppy.”
“You've never followed me like a puppy,” I said, laughing.
“Of the two of us, you've always been the strong one,” he said.
“I haven't been able to take you down since we were about eleven.”
“That's not what I mean. While I'm twice your size, you're the strong one in every way that matters. Which is why I act like a douche sometimes. I'm not trying to excuse my behavior, but I’m sorry I treated you like my property in front of Ben.”
“Apology accepted.”
“I also know I hurt you by being with someone else.”
“You don't have to...” I tried to say, but he cut me off.
“I do. So don't interrupt me, or I'll never get it right.
“Over the years, I've always thought of you as mine…and I really believe that you are. Not because you're my property, but because you’re the only one for me. After you left, I needed to believe I could fight my feelings for you and make it work with someone else. Because if you really were the only one for me and you were gone...I know it's not an excuse, but that was my reasoning.
“I’m well aware that we have a lot of healing to do. You’re neither my property nor my girlfriend. But you are my best friend, and that’s all I need tonight. Please give me that."
I sighed. "You've had that all along.”
“So, can I pick you up at six?”
“Perfect, see you then.”
Shortly before Noah was due to pick me up, I stood in front of the mirror in the upstairs bathroom curling my long hair into loose curls. I heard the door open, followed by the sound of two voices. Kelsey and Maggie. I frowned at my reflection, wishing Kelsey wouldn't be around when Noah arrived. She was nosy and I had a sneaking suspicion that part of the reason she was so eager to spend time with my sister was that she wanted to know what was going on between me and Noah.
I clicked off the hot iron and left it on the counter to cool. My cell phone was in my bedroom, so I went in to grab it, along with my bag and some gum, before heading downstairs.
Maggie was in the living room putting on a DVD. She glanced over her shoulder at me for just a second when I came into the room.
“Hey Mags, whatcha watching?” I asked.
“It's some chick-flick Kelsey got at the Redbox.”
Before I could reply, Kelsey walked in with an uncooked package of microwave popcorn in her hands.
“I was just about to heat up some popcorn before the movie, Kate. You feel like having some girl time?” she asked. I stared into her face, but there was no hint of ill will toward me. I wondered, not for the first time, how she pulled it off. She seemed like she actually wanted me to hang out with them. It turned my stomach that she could be so two-faced.
I opened my mouth to answer when there was a knock at the door. Moments later,
Noah walked into the kitchen carrying two coffees and smiled at everyone through the opening to the living room. His eyes landed on mine, widening just enough to let me know that he also questioned Kelsey’s presence in my house.
“Hi Noah,” Kelsey said with a sideways glance at me.
“Hey ladies,” he said, sitting down at one of the bar stools. I walked over to join him in the kitchen. Kelsey came in right behind me, throwing the popcorn into the microwave and starting it up.
When I sat on the stool next to his, Noah pushed a coffee cup toward me with his index finger. I smirked up at him after I read the Colombian/black scrawled in marker on the plastic lid. He knew exactly how I liked it.
“So what are you two up to tonight?” she asked Noah from across the bar of the kitchen island.
“I'm taking Kate out for dinner and a movie.”
“Oh, fun. Is Danielle working again?” I didn't miss the implication of Kelsey's question, but I kept my cool.
“Things with Danielle didn't work out, actuall
y,” he said, giving me a sideways glance. “She was definitely not the one for me.”
“I'm sorry. She seemed really nice,” Kelsey said, frowning. I fought to hold back an eye roll.
Maggie walked in when the microwave beeped, signaling that the popcorn was ready.
“So, are you two patching things up?” Maggie asked as she pulled down a large bowl from the cabinet above the refrigerator. The way she asked it sounded like she was teasing, but when she turned to face us, her eyebrow quirked up as though she really expected an answer.
“We're just trying to mend our friendship right now,” Noah said.
“That's really nice,” Kelsey said. “Jack would be glad you two are trying to work out your relationship.”
What do you know about how Jack would feel? I wanted to shout at her. She hadn't been with Jack in nearly two years. Instead, I took a deep breath and said,“Right. I'm sure he'd be delighted. You ready?” I asked Noah.
We walked down the stairs that led to the driveway and Noah used the button on his car key to unlock the doors. I got into the passenger seat of his sedan and waited for him to climb in behind the wheel. He stood next to his door patting his pockets. When he finally slid in next to me, he was frowning.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said, rummaging through the glove compartment. “I just can't find my wallet. I must have left it back at the apartment.”
“Stop by on the way,” I said. I licked my lips and tried to act like it was no big deal, even though the idea of setting foot in the apartment the two of us had shared with Jack was terrifying.
“I guess I'll have to. Sorry about that.” He put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway.
He was quiet for a moment, as if weighing his words. “So, I know you said you and Ben aren't serious or anything,” he finally said, “but was it hard bringing him to the airport today? You know, since you're not going back.”
I started to laugh softly. I had forgotten to correct his assumption about Ben.
“Really, Noah? You don't have much gaydar, do you?”
“What? Wait, I just thought he was British.”
“He is…gay and British.”