by Laura Howard
Her green eyes met mine, horrified. “Oh, God.”
I shook my head and laughed dryly. “I don’t care about that. My point is, there’s obviously more going on than him looking for your forgiveness. Does he want some kind of relationship with you?”
She looked down again and started toying with her sandwich. Which reminded me, I hadn’t even touched my food. I grabbed mine and took a bite while she thought.
“I don’t know. He hasn’t brought any of that up since…” she trailed off. “I had regrets after we hooked up. He asked for my number and called me a few times. But since Jack’s death…” The tears that had been threatening to spill finally rolled down her cheeks. “I can’t even look at Jared without seeing Jack’s face. And I get so angry and so sad, I just can’t.”
“Hey,” I said, grabbing her hand. “Have you told Jared any of this?”
She shook her head, sniffing. “How can I? I know he feels bad enough. I can’t imagine making him feel worse.”
“Do you think he’ll keep going to AA?”
She cleared her throat. “He’s supposed to go again tomorrow.”
I cocked a brow. “And what about you?”
She rubbed her cheek and sighed. “I’m going, too.”
“You know what?” I said before taking another bite of my sandwich. I thought of how to say what I was thinking as I chewed. “I think it’s really cool that you’re doing this for him.”
Surprise flickered in her eyes. “You do?”
“Yeah, I do,” I said, and smiled when I saw her relax a little more.
She finally picked up her sandwich and took a bite. “Mmm,” she said as she chewed. “This is good.”
“So,” I said, deciding to let the Jared subject go. For the moment. “The Hunters are coming into town next week.”
Maggie smiled and wiped her mouth with a napkin. “For graduation?”
“Yep. They’ll be here on Wednesday.”
“That’s great. I didn’t really get a chance to talk to Stephanie at the funeral.”
“Me either,” I said, frowning. I hadn’t talked to Stephanie at the funeral at all, actually. The whole day was a blur in my memory now, and I didn’t even remember her being there.
“Will you be going to the graduation?” Maggie asked.
I looked up. “Yes. Noah asked if I would go this morning.”
“I’ll probably try to come up with something to distract Mom and Dad.”
I blinked, feeling the guilt wrap itself around me like a cocoon. “That’s probably a good idea.” Why hadn’t I even thought of that?
Maggie took a sip from her soda. “If Jared can go without drinking that day, it’ll be a miracle.”
Without thinking, I blurted out my response. “You mean he’s already stopped drinking?”
Her brows lowered. “Well, yeah. Why else would he be going to Alcoholics Anonymous?”
I was so surprised, I couldn’t help but stare at her. “I assumed he was going to try to quit. I don’t know.”
“When I told him my condition for forgiving him, he said he decided to stop right then and hasn’t had a drink since.”
“Sounds like he has it bad, Mags.”
She snorted. “You’re wrong. He just can’t forgive himself until he thinks Jack would forgive him. Since that can’t happen, I’m the next best thing.”
“Sure. And why you, in particular? Why not me—Jack’s twin?” I asked, unable to stop the grin from forming on my lips.
A pink blush lit up her cheeks.
“Uh-huh. Just as I thought.”
“Why would you even think I’d want anything like that with someone like him?”
I shrugged, as though it was no big deal. “You’re right. You’re way too good for him.”
She broke a chunk of bread off her sandwich, but paused to look up at me, wide-eyed. “That’s not what I meant.”
I shook my head and arched a brow. “Then what do you mean?”
“It’s...complicated.”
“Okay. Well, let me know if you figure it out.”
She sighed and tossed the hunk of broken bread at me. “You don’t have to be so snarky,” she said.
A wicked grin tugged at the corner of my mouth. Poor, sweet Maggie. “Actually, I do. I was born this way.”
Finals became the center of Noah’s universe over the next few days. He was very careful to give me his full attention in the mornings and at night, but it did mean I had a lot of time to myself during the day. Way too much time spent watching the hours tick past.
My parents both went back to work and Maggie was as busy with finals as Noah was. By the end of the week I decided to visit the admissions department at Saint Mary’s in an attempt to make myself feel better about my lack of direction. The dean was incredibly kind and understanding, which did wonders for my anxiety over graduating late.
As I walked through the parking lot in front of the admissions building, my phone rang. The sound of the ringtone was enough to bring a smile to my face.
“Pimpin’ All Over the World.”
That would be Ben’s ringtone. Which he’d programmed himself, of course.
“Hello, Grand Poo-Bah,” I said, chuckling.
“What? What the hell is a Grand Pooh Bear?” Ben said, clearly unhappy with my greeting.
I snorted. “Forget it. How are you?”
“I’m fabulous, my dear. But more importantly, how are you?”
“Doing well, thank you.”
“Who do you think you’re talking to, Mary Katherine? Tell me what I’m missing. How is your prudish love affair?”
“Very funny, Ben. Noah is fine.”
Ben gasped. “I knew your silly abstinence wouldn’t last a moment! How was it, you little vixen?”
“I refuse to answer that,” I said, grinning.
“Fine, but I bet it was hot. I can see it all now.”
“Stop picturing me naked,” I said, opening the driver door.
“Oh believe me, it wasn’t you I was imagining.”
“Ben!” I laughed. “You are completely twisted.”
“Right you are, darling. Right you are.”
“So, enough about me. What’s new across the pond?”
“Oh you know. Delicious men, fabulous parties. The usual.”
I shook my head. I’d spent enough time with Ben to know he was completely serious. I’d been his accomplice at plenty of those parties. It was always fun watching him in action.
“Seriously, though. You’re doing okay?” Ben asked, his tone concerned.
“I am. Noah’s been great. My mom seems to be feeling pretty good again. So yeah, things are going okay.”
“Glad to hear it. You make sure to call me if Noah steps out of line. I have no problem jumping on a plane if he needs to be roughed up a bit.”
“Why does that sound so dirty when you say it?”
“God only knows, Kate. I have to run, but make sure to call if you need me, okay?”
“Will do. I love you, you crazy man.”
I dropped the phone on the passenger seat and wrapped my fingers around the steering wheel. As I shifted into reverse, the phone beeped, signaling a text.
I’m done! Celebrate with me?
I laughed and glanced at the clock on the dash. It was a few minutes before noon on Friday. Before replying, I checked the website for The Galway. As I’d hoped, The Judes were playing at 8 p.m. I squeezed my eyes shut, remembering the last time we’d gone to see them. How wonderful it had felt to be with him again after months of confusion and hurt. But no matter how hard I tried to forget the memory of Danielle sliding into the booth beside him that night, smiling up at him, the image was branded in my memory. He’d wanted to move on.
No, I told myself. We’d talked about it over and over. Why couldn’t I lick my wounds and let it go? Despite his reassurances, I sometimes still felt the past weighing down on me.
Blinking back tears of frustration, I replied.
You.
Me. The Judes. 8 p.m.?
He responded immediately.
You had me at The Judes.
I sniffed and wiped a hand across my eyes. I put one of The Jude’s CDs on and cranked up the volume. Making my way across town, I stuffed all unwanted thoughts back into their place in the back of my mind. I sang along at the top of my lungs, ensuring that nothing was in the car except for me and “Penny Lane.”
I decided to make a quick stop at my parents’ house to grab my makeup bag.
When I turned onto their street, I noticed my mother’s car in the driveway. I parked behind her and headed inside.
A cloud of cigarette smoke wafted up from the basement as soon as soon as I walked through the door.
“Mom?” I called down the stairs.
“Down here,” she replied, clearing her throat.
I went down the stairs, wrinkling my nose at the thick smoke in the basement. She had to be chain smoking. I found her sitting on a stool next to the washing machine. Her eyes were fixed on a crossword puzzle she had set out on the washer.
“Why aren’t you at work?” I asked.
“I came home early today,” she said, not meeting my eyes.
“Oh. Okay. I just need to grab some things from my room.”
She took a deep drag from her cigarette and nodded, but didn’t say anything else. She continued to stare at the crossword as though I weren’t even there. Conflicted, I stood there feeling powerless. What was going on? Had she had a hard time at work? Did my father know she was here?
“Can I get you anything?” I asked, grasping for some way to get her to talk to me.
She finally met my eyes, but her expression was clouded. “No, thank you.”
I thought about it as I made my way to my bedroom. Whatever was happening with my mother, she had made it clear she didn’t want to talk to me about it. So I had two choices. I could pretend everything was fine or I could confront her.
Before I left, I went back down to the cellar. My mother raised her eyes when I stopped in front of her.
I crossed my arms and took a breath. “What's going on, Mom?”
Her answering look was as sharp as an eagle's. “I told you. I came home early today.”
“How did it feel to be back at work?” I asked. My voice trembled like a child's.
She raised her chin. “It's work, Kate.” Her tone told me the discussion was over.
I nodded. “Right. Well, I'll be at the apartment if you need me.”
She placed another cigarette between her lips, blinking as she lit it. “Mmm hmm.”
I pursed my lips and spun on my heel, eager to escape the contempt in her eyes. Maybe my sister would be more successful at figuring out what was going on with our mother. The only thing I'd managed to do was irritate her.
Noah was in the shower when I got back to the apartment. I pulled a banana off the bunch sitting on the counter, but before I could peel it, he called out my name. I set it down and walked into the bathroom.
“Hey,” I said as I closed the door behind me.
“You hungry? I have a sandwich coming.” He shut the water shut off.
“I am,” I said, holding out a towel for him. “What did you get?”
“Chicken Cutlet.” He opened the curtain and took the towel. As he dried his face and hair, I took the opportunity to admire his long legs and taut abs.
“Um, Kate? My eyes are up here,” he said, smirking.
I rolled my eyes. “Yes they are,” I replied, deliberately trailing my eyes all over his body.
“I’m just a piece of meat to you, aren’t I?”
“That’s all. Don’t you forget it.”
He wrapped the towel around his waist and leaned down to kiss me. The scent of his shampoo and skin was so sweet I sighed. “Mmm, you smell nice.”
He wrinkled his nose. “No offense, but you smell like an ashtray. You been smoking?”
“Ouch,” I said, giving him a dirty look. “No, I stopped at my parents’ house and my mom was there. Smoking like a chimney.”
“Shouldn’t she still be at work?”
“My thoughts exactly, but she wasn’t talking.”
“I hope everything’s okay,” he said, squeezing my shoulder.
I sighed. So did I.
Chapter 9
Once I’d thoroughly rinsed the chicken, I placed it in the roasting pan to prep it for cooking. Two strong hands landed on my hips and I felt Noah’s breath in my ear as he whispered.
“Where’s your apron?”
I chuckled and went back to the sink to wash my hands. He leaned up against the counter and watched as I seasoned the chicken. His family had called about twenty minutes before to let us know they were checking in at the hotel, so I wanted to make sure we timed dinner perfectly. This was my first time cooking for more than just two people and I was both excited and somewhat nervous.
“You don’t really need to wear an apron until you’re dressed in clothes you’re afraid to get dirty,” I told him with a smirk. Yesterday he’d proudly presented a little gift bag to me and grinned when I pulled out the retro apron. It was a throwback to something my grandmother might have worn in the 1950s with its blue gingham print and big cream-colored daisies. I loved it simply because it was so not me. He’d even gotten me matching dish towels and oven mitts. My guy knew how to do irony like no one else.
“I just thought it looked really sexy on you,” he said as he approached me and nuzzled my ear.
I gave him a light shove and opened the oven to place the chicken inside. “I promise I’ll wear it for you after I get changed,” I said with a laugh.
“You are so hot when you stand in front of that stove, baby. You really get me going.”
“Reel it in, big boy. I need you peeling potatoes.”
“Mmm, so bossy! I like that in a woman.”
I just shook my head and handed him the bag of potatoes. “Your family will be here in less than an hour. Peel those and get dressed. I want everything to go smoothly.”
“Yes, ma’am. These are going to be the finest potatoes you’ve ever laid eyes on.”
“They better be,” I called over my shoulder as I walked into the bedroom to change.
I chose some dark denim jeans paired with a cream boatneck sweater and blue scarf. I was going for casual yet mature. I wanted Noah’s parents to see that I wasn’t the same girl I’d been before my trip to London. If I was being honest, I worried how they felt about the two of us getting back together. Ever since Noah had mentioned being depressed, I’d wondered whether they would welcome me back into their family with open arms. What if they blamed me for leaving him in his time of need?
I pulled my boots on over my jeans and gazed at my reflection in the mirror over the dresser. I looked okay, though my hair could use some work. It had been a while since I’d had seen a hairdresser and my blonde waves hung fell limply to the center of my back. The jeans hung somewhat loosely from my hips, though I wasn’t sure how I could have possibly lost weight with all the stress eating I’d been doing.
After curling my hair and applying lip gloss, I went to work in the kitchen. Noah was in the shower, so I tied the apron he’d gotten me around my waist, smiling as I imagined how he’d react to seeing me in it, and got busy washing the green beans. I tried to imagine what it would be like to invite my family over for dinner after I officially moved back in. I knew they’d never come. My parents hadn’t liked going to dinner parties even before Jack’s death, never mind going to one in his former home. I shook myself and began chopping the beans.
“Need help?” Noah asked as he strolled into the kitchen.
I smiled, trying to keep my face from giving away my thoughts. “Nope, I’m good. Potatoes are ready to boil, green beans are ready to saute. The stuffed mushrooms are all made, they just need to be put into the toaster oven.”
“Kate?” he said, touching my elbow.
“Yeah?” I said without facing him.
“Try to relax. It’s
just my family. You could make TV dinners and they’d think it was the most wonderful meal in the world.”
I snorted as I pulled the tray of mushrooms from the fridge. Noah and I had done all the chopping and prep work for them the night before while binge-watching the first season of Sherlock. I was thrilled to have him as my prep partner, since that was my least favorite part of cooking. I sort of wished life could be like a cooking show where all you had to do was reach under the counter and everything you needed was in handy little pre-measured units.
“I know, I know. I can’t help it. I want this to be perfect.”
“It will be. It already smells awesome in here.”
I smiled, despite my nerves. “Thanks.”
The toaster oven beeped to indicate it was done pre-heating at exactly the same time there was a knock on the door. Noah gave me a reassuring smile and answered the door.
“Mmm. What smells so good?” Stephanie chirped as she walked into the kitchen.
I closed the oven and before I could turn around fully, I was enveloped in a cotton candy scented hug.
Her effervescence was contagious and a wide grin spread across my face.
“Oh, I am so glad to see you,” I said as I squeezed her back. Only ten months had passed since I last saw Stephanie, but she had changed. Her auburn hair was smooth and glossy, pinned back to highlight the sharp cheekbones and full lips of a woman. Where was the gangly teen I remembered?
“Me too,” she said, her eyes wide. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t stay...last time.”
I looked at Noah, whose jaw tightened the slightest bit. “At the funeral,” he said softly.
I smoothed her hair and smiled, despite the little pang in my stomach. “You don’t have to apologize, sweetie.”
“Kate,” Noah’s mother, Diane, said as she walked in carrying a tray of cupcakes from Hickey’s Bakery. She placed the tray on the small table by the door and held her arms out to me. “Al went to get a bottle of wine and some beer. He’ll be here in just a minute.”
I let my head rest on Diane’s shoulder as she patted my back and whispered in my ear. “I’m glad you’re here.”
After a moment, I sniffed and pulled back. Diane held my arms and smiled, eyes sparkling. “I hear you’re quite the cook these days. It certainly smells wonderful in this apartment.”