‘I do know,’ Julie confessed, and gave him a smile which tore at his heart, there was pathos and courage and hope and despair all intermingled in that one glance. ‘It isn’t really a question of ... running away. I want to be fair to ... Garth as well. You know, just as I know, that a lot of patients fall in love with the girl who nurses them, just as women often fall in love with their doctors. But that isn’t the point. Garth isn’t wildly in love with Tansy. He shows it in a number of ways, but I’m quite sure he’ll never ask for his release. He’d feel he had let her down. There’d have to be another quarrel as serious as the one they had the night of the accident before he would take any such drastic step, and I’m certain Tansy won’t risk that sort of thing again.’
‘Because she wants to be Mrs. Garth Holroyd—’ Ian was beginning, but Julie could not allow him to finish the sentence.
‘Who are we to judge her?’ she asked soberly. ‘She may love him ... in her own way. She’s not a bad-hearted girl, rather the reverse. People are often attracted by their opposites in temperament, and this could quite well have happened to Tansy. Just because she lives and moves in a different sort of world from the one we know, the one Garth knows, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him, remember.’
‘If she loved him,’ Ian insisted firmly, ‘she wouldn’t have insisted on attending that particular party the night this happened. If she loved him, she would have made it her business to know enough about him to be aware of what was at stake, what news he was hoping to receive that made him as nervous “as a star on a first night” was how she phrased it, I believe. She would have shared something of his hopes and fears, something of his plans for their mutual future, instead of concentrating on her proposed singing tour in the States with him tagging along beside her like some pet puppy on a leash f In any case,’ he ended belligerently, ‘I don’t suppose he would go. Has she asked him yet?’
‘I don’t think so,’ Julie confessed. ‘It’s all rather in the air at the moment, I gather. I think a great deal depends on what you have to say about his recovery and so on.’
‘I say no, most definitely,’ Ian said crisply. ‘To drag him off there when he’ll be fretting about the amount of time he has lost already would be most unfair, and you know it, Julie Saxon, no matter how you try to hedge and put up a case for this other girl. That’s one thing I can’t understand about you,’ he confessed, running his hand through his hair and, for the first time since she had known him, presenting himself rumpled, ruffled and puzzled, more, she thought whimsically, like an average man and not like the self-sufficient, important and controlled surgeon she knew him to be. ‘Most girls wouldn’t worry about Tansy Maitland,’ he went on. ‘I look at the two of you together—you and Garth—and I can see for myself the change in you both since you came to Woodlands. He looks to you, Julie, for more than your skilled care. He looks to you because you’ve given him back his courage, his belief in himself and his own capabilities, and you’ve given him the incentive to fight for full recovery. No wonder he looks at you with the eyes of a man deeply in love.’
‘You have no right to say that, Ian.’ The ready colour had flushed Julie’s cheeks to a becoming deep pink, and although her voice was low and controlled it was vibrant with indignation. ‘ He looks at me as most male patients look on their nurse—as Jack Porter looked at me when I persuaded him to try his leg and prove he could walk again, and he did. They forget the work of the surgeon who made the miracle possible, they remember only the nurse who specialled the case and whom they saw most of their waking hours. It’s gratitude, thankfulness, call it what you will.’
‘But sometimes, as in this case, which had its beginnings at the Hospital Ball on New Year’s Eve—remember, Julie—it’s love,’ Ian said softly. ‘Listen, my dear. I’m not by nature a self-sacrificing man, but I wouldn’t want a wife whose heart belonged to someone else, especially if that someone else loved her in return. I’m going to ask you now, Julie, for the last time, will you marry me? If your answer is still no I shall never ask you again, but if ... things go wrong for you, if Tansy marries Garth Holroyd and in time you change your mind, you must come to me. I shall never change, I shall always want you, and I’ll always be ready to have you, but this is the last time I shall ask you to marry me, and I want you to think well before you answer ... please, my dear.’
His voice was so gentle that Julie felt her eyes fill with tears and part of her heart longed to give him the answer he wanted. But she could not do that. He had said he admired her for always telling the truth and she would not lie to him now.
‘Thank you for asking me again, Ian,’ she said quietly, ‘but it wouldn’t be fair. I’ve told you before that I don’t love you—can’t love you—although there’s no man I admire and respect half so much as I do you ... but not ... the other thing, and I wouldn’t marry anyone unless I loved them.’
‘I don’t believe you would, Julie,’ he said quietly. ‘And I admire you for it. Garth is so ... right for you, and you for him. He’s a lucky young man.’ He bent forward suddenly and touched her forehead with his lips. ‘ I don’t think he would begrudge me that, even if he knew,’ he said softly, and neither of them knew that Garth, just about to enter the room, had drawn back, not seeing the whole of the embrace but knowing Ian had bent towards her, that their heads were touching. Neither of them heard him walk away on the deep piled carpet, and neither of them knew that he was clenching the fingers of the newly released hand until the pain brought him back to an awareness of himself and he walked blindly out into the garden to think over what he believed he had almost witnessed.
CHAPTER IX
Ian did not stay with them very much longer. After a few words with Mrs. Crossman he said he would be delighted to accept afternoon tea and then he really must go since he was operating that evening. Julie, busying herself looking after a Garth who was only too anxious to display the newly discovered wonders of the freed left hand, kept as far from Ian as possible, speaking only when anyone spoke to her, keeping herself silent and aloof, longing, for some reason she could not define, only to reach the security of her own room and indulge in what Sister Gregson always referred to as ‘a good cry’.
What’s the matter with me? she wondered as her glance met Garth’s and she accepted his proffered cigarette. Anyone else would be thrilled to have Ian Greensmith propose to them ... I am, but I can’t say yes.
No, she couldn’t say yes to Ian, even though she felt certain that nothing would change what constituted Garth’s ideas of a code of honour and because of those ideas he would, unless something drastic happened, remain engaged to Tansy and would, eventually, marry her.
And I’ll be left to go on until I’m due to retire, just like Sister Gregson, Julie reminded herself. Going then to live alone in a little cottage all by myself except for a dog or a cat, perhaps a pet bird—or maybe all three—and reading about what Garth is doing in the weekly paper. By the time Ian was ready to leave she had made herself thoroughly miserable, and it took all her self-control not to run after him to his car and ask to be taken back to St. Luke’s, to say that perhaps, after all, she could marry him, that it would be preferable to ending her days alone with her memories and pets-to-be.
With an effort she pulled herself together, smiled up at him and lifted her hand in answer to his farewell salute, but when they returned to the house Garth withdrew with a book, Andy and his wife remained engrossed in the television, and Julie, feeling suddenly alone and bereft, wandered out into the garden to try and calm the emotional storm she had induced in herself and could neither understand nor control.
There was a small scene when they retired for the night. Garth was convinced he could manage to prepare himself for bed, wash and all else, even fold his clothes, now he had the use of one hand returned to him Julie, whose heart had ached as she watched his determined struggles to manage to eat his dinner unaided, heard the muffled sounds of the struggle and a few half-smothered ejaculations from the room adjoini
ng her own, and at last tapped on his door.
‘Yes?’ came the uncompromising syllable from within. She could imagine him standing there, half angry, half defiant, most certainly disappointed.
‘It’s Julie,’ she said softly. ‘May I come and help?’ There was a brief pause, then, in a defeated tone, he called: ‘If you like. I can do it ... but it’ll take all night...’
‘Then it just isn’t worth it,’ Julie smiled at him as she entered, forcing a lightness to her tone. ‘Another few weeks and you’ll have both hands free, and this light exercise will do them good.’
Deftly she folded his clothes and placed them on the hangers and chair, and while she had her back to him he spoke again, quickly, as though what he had to say must be said at once.
‘You didn’t mean it—about leaving my case, did you, Julie? Remember, we were talking about it when Ian arrived.’
‘I ... don’t know,’ Julie confessed. ‘A great deal depends on Roger’s—my brother’s—plans. If he would like me to go back with him I shall be greatly tempted. It’s what we’d always planned to do together if his book was successful, and it is...’
‘And what about Ian—Mr. Greensmith?’ Garth asked then, taking her by the shoulder with his left hand and forcing her to turn and face him. ‘What does he say about all this? I ... I’m sure he doesn’t want you to leave St. Luke’s ... not to go away like that, at any rate.’
Suddenly Julie knew that he had seen Ian’s chaste embrace earlier on that day. What he had read into it she could only guess, for she did not know that he had only seen Ian bend towards her, arms outstretched, and did not realize that Garth had formed his own opinions as to what happened next. Whatever he thought, she decided swiftly, she must disillusion him immediately. If ever he and Tansy broke their engagement she did not want him to imagine an understanding between herself and Ian to complicate matters further!
‘Apart from our mutual work for patients and the fact that we are good friends into the bargain, Ian—Mr. Greensmith—has no interest or control in or over my life,’ Julie told him soberly. ‘We are good friends, and I know he wouldn’t wish me to leave the hospital. He knows how short the hospitals are of nurses, you see. But he would never,’ she said with a clarity he could not mistake, ‘stand in the way of my happiness, in whatever direction I thought I might find it.’
‘I ... see.’ Garth’s dark eyes stared into her own dark blue ones as though he would search her very soul. What he saw must have reassured him, for with a smile which held genuine-relief and gaiety he released her arm, turning away.
‘That’s all I wanted to know,’ he said gently. ‘Thank you for telling me.’
Back in her own room Julie wondered what he had meant, what thought lay in his mind, but try as she would she could arrive at no conclusion. He had said nothing about Tansy, nothing of his own engagement, and she in her turn had omitted to tell him of Tansy’s impending tour of the States and her desire for an early marriage.
I’ll tell him tomorrow, she decided. Ian doesn’t want Garth to go, anyway, and I’ve no doubt he’ll tell Tansy so. And with that comforting reflection she fell asleep, leaving her problems for the morrow.
The morrow, as it turned out, brought fewer problems than she had expected, but one disappointment. Roger had cabled back in reply to the expensive cable of invitation Mrs. Andy had sent to him, delighted to accept her hospitality for his week’s leave, but unable to be with them, he stated regretfully, until the Monday.
‘Never mind,’ Mrs. Andy consoled Julie, ‘Tansy won’t be here then for another week. You’ll have your brother all to yourself. We’ll take Garth for a drive to leave you two alone together for a little while, but don’t forget I want to have a long talk with him myself before he leaves us.’
‘I won’t,’ Julie promised, adding impulsively: ‘I really don’t know why you should be so kind to me.’
‘It isn’t totally unselfish, my dear, don’t imagine that!’ Mrs. Andy’s twinkling eyes belied her statement. ‘For one thing, it’s very easy to be kind to someone like you who is working so hard for other people’s benefit and who is so self-forgetful in every way. For another thing, you have done such a lot for my dear nephew, and I’m certain you will do still more to help him back to health and self-confidence, and lastly I have already told you I wanted to meet your brother, and you have made it possible for me to really meet him, get to know him, not just an introduction in some crowded gathering or other where he’d be too busy to say more than “how-do-you-I do?” to me.’ She smiled up at the girl from the low chair in which she was seated. ‘Now run along and make sure Garth doesn’t try to do too much now he has the use of one hand returned to him,’ she advised. ‘Tansy’s just arriving, and if I know Garth he’ll be like any other man in the same circumstances, he’ll want to show off a little bit, to prove how much better he is.’
‘Tansy!’ Julie’s hand flew to her lips as she remembered she had said nothing to Garth so far about Tansy’s impending tour. All she had told him was that she would be late in arriving this weekend because of the recording, but Garth had simply said ‘All right. Just watch me use my left hand on here ... I can turn my papers, hold my ruler ... and the matter of the tour had been forgotten.
‘What’s the matter?’ Mrs. Andy asked. ‘Something wrong?’
‘Only that when she telephoned to let us know she wouldn’t be arriving until today she told me—I think I mentioned it to you—there was an opportunity for her to do a tour of the States for three months, singing with the band, and she wanted to find out how Garth felt about making that a ... honeymoon trip.’
‘Then let her ask him and find out for herself,’ Mrs. Andy advised. ‘Garth is more his old self day by day, and I don’t think he will want to go off on any such prolonged tour once he can get back to work. Don’t worry so much about the two of them, Julie my dear. I know you’re worried—so am I—but what we are both worrying about may never happen—I feel sure that it won’t. I am a good deal older than you, and in the course of my life I have discovered that things have a way of working out if only we will allow them to do so. I don’t know about you, but I take all my problems, personal and otherwise, to the One Who knows all about us, to Whom, so we are told, even the hairs of our heads are numbered. If I take my problems to Him and ask for help then I feel it would be doubting that help will be given if I worry about them after that. It isn’t false security, Julie. It really works. Just try it for yourself and you’ll find out I’m right.’
‘I will,’ Julie promised gravely. ‘I do ... but I’m afraid I do worry, and as you say, that isn’t trusting! I’ll try to do better in future.’
She found Garth and Tansy in the summer-house. As always, Tansy had her transistor with her, but for once it was muted and the music quietened to a bearable volume. She looked up as Julie came towards them, a suddenly petulant expression on her pretty face.
‘Garth says your brother won’t be here until Monday afternoon,’ she greeted Julie. ‘And I was so looking forward to meeting him.’
‘You will.’ Julie smiled at the other girl, an indulgent smile. Tansy was accustomed to getting what she had set her heart upon, and she didn’t take very quietly to disappointments.
‘Mrs. Andy knows his publisher,’ she explained, ‘and she had a long talk with him on the telephone this morning. Roger may be staying more than a week, and as Mrs. Andy insists he stays at Woodlands you’ll be able to meet him when you come next time.’
‘That’s good.’ Tansy seemed to dismiss the matter and switched off on to another line of attack. ‘Garth says,’ she began, still in the same rather petulant tone, ‘that you didn’t tell him about the American tour. Why not, Nurse? Didn’t you think it was important?’ and her tone added: ‘Why did you hold the information back? It will make no difference when he does know...’
‘I was going to tell him,’ Julie said apologetically, ‘but something happened—Garth wanted to show me how he could use his hand with
his ruler or something —and it slipped my mind. But I expect you have told him all about it, haven’t you?’ she asked pleasantly. ‘I’ll leave you to discuss the details...’
‘There aren’t any details to discuss.’ Garth rose from the rustic bench he had been sharing with his fiancée, and it did not need more than a quick glance at his face to see that he was very upset. ‘I can’t afford the time,’ he said quickly. ‘You know that, Julie. Thanks to this,’ he gestured with his right hand, ‘I’m months behind on the Development Site, and that isn’t a good beginning...’
‘That’s something you must settle between yourselves,’ Julie told him, smiling. ‘That isn’t part of the cure, and therefore out of my province! See you both at dinner.’ And, feeling as though she had left him to fend for himself—as indeed she had—she walked briskly back to the house, knowing that whatever decision Garth made must be his alone, not influenced by her or by anyone else, but as she walked she found herself resorting to Mrs. Andy’s advice and taking her problem for higher help than she could give.
Please, Lord, she prayed soundlessly, let it all work out in the best way for him ... he has so much to give ... and this time she resolved not to worry about what the answer would be.
All the time she had been at Woodlands Julie had noticed that Tansy’s visits brought in their wake emotional tensions which could be felt in the very air. So far these had not greatly affected Julie herself, they had merely worried her on behalf of her patient, but this weekend had been the exception.
It had been obvious to Julie, as to Mrs. Andy and her husband, that all was not well between Garth and Tansy when they came in to dinner. Tansy was wearing what Julie had come to mentally define as ‘her sulky look’ and Garth’s mouth was set in an obstinate line which indicated that this time he was not to be won over by flowery words or flattering statements.
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