“Delaney…” Brian whispered, realizing his mother had been right all along.
I slowly turned to face him as tears filled my eyes. There was nothing I could say to ease his pain, nothing! “I’m so sorry,” I said, and I slowly got up to leave.
“Delaney…”
I was standing at the doorway, facing away from Brain as the tears started down my cheeks.
“Whose is it?” he finally whispered.
“I um, I have to go,” I said, and headed to the front door.
“You swore to me that you didn’t sleep with him,” he said, his eyes closed, refusing to look at me.
“Brian…I can’t…I don’t…I have to go.”
“Are you coming back?” he asked, already knowing the answer.
“I know you don’t believe me now, but I swear I love you. I don’t deserve you. And I can’t keep hurting you. Please just let me go.” I wiped my eyes and walked out the front door.
I headed toward the street, but needed to see him one last time. As I looked in the window, I saw that he was still sitting there in the same spot and he was crying. I had destroyed the one man that I could always count on, the one man who loved me unconditionally and who would do absolutely anything for me. I didn’t deserve him. I had lied to him from the beginning. Now it was too late to go back and fix the mess I had made.
I started running then. I ran until I couldn’t breathe anymore and collapsed under a tree. As long as I lived, I would never be able to forget the pain I saw when I looked in that window. I had truly destroyed an amazing man, and that thought would haunt me forever.
I slowly made my way home with absolutely no idea of what I was going to do. I thought about going to the store and buying a pregnancy test, but knew it was pointless. I knew without a doubt that Christine was right. I had ignored all of the signs, but I couldn’t ignore them any longer.
I knew that I had to leave, go somewhere and hide. I couldn’t risk anyone thinking that Brian had gotten me into trouble and then didn’t stand by me. I knew that’s what everyone would think and I couldn’t bear for anyone to think he had been anything but wonderful and perfect, which of course, he was.
When I got home, I realized the house was empty and I was alone. I breathed a sigh of relief and headed up to my room. I sat down on the edge of my bed, terrified. I felt completely alone and had no idea what I was going to do or where I was going to go. Suddenly, as if I needed a reminder of my current condition, I was running to the bathroom as another wave of nausea had me bent over the toilet, retching.
I finished vomiting and stood up to rinse out my mouth. As I looked in the mirror, I found myself looking down at my still flat stomach. I put my hands on it, expecting to find a rounding softness, but I had been sick for a while and I realized I was very thin. Everyone had been telling me that lately. Even Molly told me I needed to eat. I felt a small hard knot low in my belly, and knew that I wouldn’t be able to hide it for long.
I headed back to my room and knew I had to leave. I couldn’t risk the thought of Brian trying to break my resolve. I knew he would eventually come for me, telling me he would stand by me, even though it wasn’t his problem…or his baby. I couldn’t hurt him again. I HAD to leave! I knew I had to leave, right then!
I grabbed my suitcase out of my closet and started filling it with this and that, not really paying any attention. I heard my parents’ walking in the door then, and realized I needed to tell them something. I couldn’t just leave. They’d never let me go and they’d look for me. I had to convince them that I needed to go. I had to tell them that I broke it off with Brian and I had to leave, and I had to do it fast. I knew Brian wasn’t going to give up on me, even though he believed I had been unfaithful.
I sat down to dinner that night, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop the tears.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” my mother asked.
“I…I…broke up with Brian,” I said, sobbing now for all I had lost.
“What happened? You two seemed so happy,” she said, coming around the table to sit next to me.
“I thought I was, but Brian wanted to marry me and I’m not ready for that,” I said.
“Did he ask you because you two have to get married?” my father asked, accusingly.
“No,” I said, too upset to be angry.
“I don’t understand, Delaney. You told me you loved him, so why don’t you want to marry him?” my mom asked.
“I’m not ready for that. I’m leaving…” I said, unable to finish my sentence.
“What do you mean you’re leaving? Where are you going?” my mom asked.
“I’m going on a Mission. I can’t stay here. He’ll never let me go.”
“A mission? But honey, you’ve never even mentioned wanting to go on a mission. We’ve talked about it before, but you said you didn’t want…”
“I know what I said. I’ve changed my mind. I need to go. It’s all set. I’m going on a six month Christian mission to Belize. I’m leaving tomorrow,” I said, sounding very determined.
“Well, we’ve always thought that a mission would be good for you, but how can you be leaving tomorrow? There are things that have to be done. You need a passport and a medical exam. And, what about college? You were all set to go?”
“They take care of all of that for me. I just have to show up tomorrow morning. It’s all set. I have to leave tomorrow or I’ll miss it. College can wait!”
“Delaney, don’t you think we should talk about this?” my mother said.
“Yes, I think we should have some say in what you’re…” my father started.
“Why? I’m an adult now. You can’t stop me and I can’t stay.” I stared at my parents with such conviction that they didn’t know what to say.
“Hey, can I have your room?” Seth asked.
We argued late into the night, but I finally won. I was leaving in the morning and there was nothing they could do about it. I finally made it back up to my room to finish packing. My head was spinning, and I had absolutely no idea where I was going, but I knew I had to leave, so I kept packing.
I opened the bottom drawer of my dresser to pack a few more things and then stopped. At the bottom of the drawer I found Logan’s shirt. I knew then what I had to do, the only thing I could do.
Early the next morning I called Molly and told her I needed her to come get me.
“What are you talking about? Do you know what time it is?”
“Yes. I’m leaving today and I need a ride to the airport.”
“Where are you going?” she asked while yawning.
“Please, if you want to see me before I leave, come get me now.”
“When are you coming back?” she asked, concern evident in her voice.
“Molly, please just come get me. I have to see you before I go. You’re my best friend,” I said, the tears starting again.
“Okay, give me 15 minutes to get dressed and drive over.”
I left my parents a goodbye note. I knew they would be angry and hurt that I left without actually saying goodbye, but it had to be this way. I left my brother a note as well, saying that I would miss him, and that I loved him and that yes, he could have my room.
Molly was true to her word. She pulled into my driveway exactly 15 minutes later. I threw my bags in the back seat and got in the car.
“Delaney, what is going on?”
“I’m leaving.”
“You said that! Where are you going?”
“On a mission,” I said, knowing that Molly would never believe it.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I broke it off with Brian. I have to leave.”
“What happened?”
“He’s too serious. I’m not ready for that.”
“Was he trying to force you too…?”
“No, of course not. He’s in love with me though, and he’s way too serious. I have to go.”
“Where are you going and when are you coming
back?”
“I told you. I’m going on a mission. I’ll be back in six months.”
“A mission? Forgive me if I don’t believe you, but I know you’re lying.”
“Molly, please just take me to the airport. I HAVE TO GO!”
She pulled out of my driveway then and headed to the airport. “Does Brian know you’re leaving?”
“He doesn’t know where I’m going, but he knows it’s over.”
“Don’t take this wrong, okay, but does this have something to do with Logan?”
“No.”
“I’m sorry. I should have known that you wouldn’t break up with Brian just because Logan came back.”
“Yes, I would have. But, he didn’t come back for me,” I said, honestly.
“Where are you going, then? And don’t give me that crap about a mission. I don’t buy it!”
“Molly, I just have to go. I can’t tell you any more than that, because I don’t really know exactly what I’m doing yet. But, I will call you.”
We drove in silence the rest of the way to the airport. I had no intention of getting on a plane, but I couldn’t risk Molly telling anyone, especially Brian that she took me to the ferry. She dropped me off at the front of the airport. She got out and helped me with my bags.
“I love you, Molly. You are my Best Buddy Forever and you always will be,” I cried, hugging her to me.
“Can’t you stay? Why do you have to leave?” she asked, hugging me back.
“I can’t stay. I have to go. Please understand.”
“Okay, I’ll walk you to your gate.”
“No. Thank you for the ride, but you have to leave me now. I can’t handle anymore goodbyes.” I pulled away, grabbed my bags and walked through the airport doors. I turned and waved. She was staring at me like she knew she had lost her best friend, and I thought I saw a tear in her eye. It reminded me of the last time I saw Brian. He was crying, too. I knew my mom would cry when she found the note. I had let everyone down.
I walked to the other end of the airport and asked one of the airline employees if there were any shuttles to the island ferries. He directed me toward the shuttles and before long I was on my way. I stared out the window at nothing and prayed that Brian was okay. I couldn’t get him out of my mind. The misery and pain I’d caused him cut through me like a knife.
Before I realized it, I was at the dock and the driver had to yell at me to snap out of it. “Young lady, this is your stop!”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Thank you,” I said, quickly grabbing my stuff and heading out the door.
I walked up to the ticket booth to buy a ticket for the ferry, and was surprised to learn that no ferries were running at that time due to a storm. “Do you think they’ll be running soon?” I asked, unsure of what to do.
“I don’t know. The water is pretty choppy right now. If it settles down, we’ll start running again. I’m sorry,” he said.
“Um, it’s not your fault. Can I wait inside?” I asked.
“Sure!” he said, looking me up and down.
“Um, maybe I’ll just wait over there,” I said, pointing at the park benches, not wanting to be too near him and his leering eyes.
“Suit yourself,” he shrugged.
I sat outside in the wind for hours. I had nowhere to go or any way to get there if I had. By 3:00 I realized I hadn’t eaten anything and thought I should try to get something down. I asked the guy at the counter if there was any news yet about the ferries. He told me the weather report was looking better and he’d let me know as soon as he heard when the ferries would start running again.
“Is there someplace around here that I can get a sandwich or something?” I asked.
“Not within walking distance. I have a half a sandwich left if you want it.”
“Thank you, anyway,” I said. Maybe he was a nice guy, but I wasn’t accepting anything from someone I didn’t know. The image of Chad handing me our drinks at the grad party would be a constant reminder to not accept anything from someone I didn’t know and trust.
The last ferry of the evening was 10:00 pm, and it was nearing 8:30 pm now. I was beginning to lose hope. I had no idea where I would go if the ferries didn’t start running soon.
At 9:40 a few people that lived on the island showed up at the dock. I knew that they would probably all be very disappointed, but I was thrilled when they all started filing on. “Oh, thank heavens,” I thought and headed to the ferry.
Just as I was about to board, the night attendant ran out to tell me that this would be my only shot for a while. The skies were clear, but another storm was coming in.
“Thank you,” I said, running ahead.
The skies may have been clear, but the water was still very choppy. I found myself heaving over the side of the deck.
“Sea sickness?” one of the other passengers asked.
“Um, yes,” I said, knowing it was more likely morning sickness. I wondered about that, why did they call it that? I was sick all the time, not just in the morning. No wonder Christine figured it out. I’m surprised that my mom didn’t, or maybe she just refused to see it, like I had.
Chapter Seven: Logan
I finally made it to the island. I saw Parker’s Inn and I trembled as I remembered the last time I was there. I shook it off as I still had a long walk to Logan’s house. I prayed that he would let me stay until I had another plan. I knew I was taking a huge chance, but I also knew that he wouldn’t turn me away if I had nowhere else to go.
I lugged my bags up the hill and suddenly remembered I wasn’t exactly sure where he lived. It was dark now and I realized I wasn’t sure if I could find it in the daylight, far less in the dark. I wasn’t in a very good frame of mind when Logan drove me to the docks and my current frame of mind was no better. I had had nothing to eat in over 24 hours and I hadn’t slept in two days. I decided before I traipsed off searching for Logan’s house in vain, I would stop at the Inn and ask for directions. Surely someone would know where the Barnett home was.
I walked back down the hill, still lugging my bags and made my way to the Inn, only to find it closed down for the season. It was almost midnight, and I was cold, hungry and exhausted. I headed back up the hill, desperately trying to remember which direction to go. I had been walking for over an hour and getting nowhere fast, when I saw a road that looked familiar. I headed toward it and saw that the street sign said Parker Road. “Oh, thank goodness,” I said out loud. I started up the road, happy to finally be going in the right direction, but becoming more increasingly nervous with every step. The earlier promise of a storm was coming in now, and in full force. The winds picked up in an instant, the rain started and the cold air had me shivering.
It took me another 20 minutes to make it to the top of his road. I couldn’t ever remember being so cold. I was frozen solid. My face and hands burned in the relentless wind. Finally I was standing in front of his house. I noticed that there was a light on inside and I made my way to the door. I was under the cover of the front porch, grateful for the break in the wind and rain. I was shivering uncontrollably and yet it took me a moment to find the courage to knock. I knew it was now or never, so I reached out and lightly tapped on the door.
I heard a dog bark from inside and for an instant I thought I must have had the wrong house. Logan didn’t have a dog, not that I remembered anyway. But, I was certain it was the right house. I backed up to look around to the side of the house at the garage. “Yeah, this is it,” I told myself.
I was about to knock again when the door opened, and there he stood, the man I wanted more than anything in the world. The man I had always loved.
“Delaney? What are you…?” he started to ask and then realized I was dripping wet and freezing cold. He pulled me into the house, walked me over to the couch and wrapped a blanket around me. “Are you okay?” he asked, worried.
“I’m f-f-ine, just really c-c-cold.”
“Come with me,” he said, leading me upstairs, through a bedroom
and into a bathroom. “Get your wet clothes off and get into the shower. I’ll go grab your bags,” he said.
I was way too frozen and tired to argue with him. I did as he said. I let warm water run over me until I was finally starting to thaw and then I turned the faucet to hot. It felt so wonderful. When all the hot water was gone, I stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in a towel. I headed back into the bedroom and saw Logan trying to dry my soaking wet luggage.
He looked up at me then and took a deep breath. He turned away from me and said, “I don’t think any of your clothes are wet. I’ll wait for you downstairs.”
I rummaged through my bags, not even sure what I had brought. I found a pair of sweat pants and a long sleeve shirt. I threw them on and realized it was time to face the music.
I walked downstairs and was instantly greeted by a huge dog. He wagged at me happily. I thought he was the biggest dog I’d ever seen. He looked like that cartoon dog Marmaduke, so I assumed he was a Great Dane. I patted him on the head, realizing this huge dog didn’t scare me at all. “What’s your name boy?” I asked aloud.
“Her name is Duchess,” Logan said from the doorway. He was standing there watching me with two cups in his hand.
“Hi, Duchess. You’re a very pretty dog.”
“Shh…she doesn’t know she’s a dog,” he grinned.
He walked over to me and handed me a cup of hot chocolate. I realized I was suddenly famished. “Thank you,” I said, and drank it down quickly.
“Are you okay?” he asked, handing me his hot chocolate as well, noticing I had already drained my cup.
“I’m okay. I’m really sorry to barge in on you like this.”
“You look exhausted. When was the last time you ate or slept?”
“I don’t know; yesterday, or the day before. I’m not sure.”
“I’ll be right back.”
Duchess trotted over to me then and put her head in my lap. I reached out to pet her. She wagged at me happily.
“She likes you. She’s never quite taken to anyone like this before,” he said, and handed me a plate with a sandwich and some fruit.
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