The Blessed Girl

by Angela Makholwa

  And then Vusi breaks down in tears.

  Good. I hope he burns in hell for what he did to me.

  My mother looks at him shamefaced. She’s just as complicit as this pig. I ought to have them arrested for what they did. Nx! Paedophiles!

  ‘Do you two know that, by law, I could have you arrested? Sex with an under-age kid is a crime. You think at fourteen I was old enough to know what I was doing, sleeping with a man twice my age?’ I say to them, feeling emboldened by Vusi’s little breakdown.

  The taxi driver covers his hands in shame as he sobs uncontrollably.

  My mother starts crying and shaking her head.

  ‘I’m sorry, Bontle,’ she says, her voice barely audible.

  She stands up and comes to sit next to me. She takes my hand in hers. I pull it away.

  ‘How do we make it right, ngwanaka? For you … for Loki?’

  I stare daggers at her.

  ‘What’s there to do? You’re the one who wants to bring this poison into Loki’s life. Hmph. As if you haven’t done enough damage.’

  Vusi wipes away his tears and looks at me with pleading eyes.

  ‘Bontle … when I started contacting your mother she dismissed me and told me to leave you all alone. But the past few months have been torture for me. It’s this deep longing, this heartache,’ he says, beating his hand on his chest. ‘I can’t live with it anymore. I need to get to know this boy. I need to be a father to Golokile, Bontle. That is all I ask. Please, I beg you.’

  Mxm. Just like that? He thinks it’s going to be that easy?

  ‘What do you think is going to happen here, Vusi? Do you even know anything about Loki’s life? Do you know the damage you have caused with the decisions you made?’

  He cannot look at me. Gladys has a faraway expression on her face. Is it regret that she feels?

  The room fills with an uncomfortable silence.

  In this stillness, I see a film reel of Loki’s life.

  My fear when I first discovered I was pregnant. The confusion we felt at Vusi’s disappearance. The utter shame of being deserted by the man who’d claimed to love me, even though I had no clue what love was in the first place.

  The desperation for an abortion; then having to accede to my mom’s wishes to keep the baby.

  I don’t regret that decision, but I still remember that oppressive sense of loss. The realisation that I could no longer be a child.

  Then I see him … my baby. My beautiful baby boy. Seeing him for the first time erased all my fears and doubts.

  I never knew that love was a tangible thing. That it cried, pooed, gurgled and giggled. It was the most beautiful revelation of my life.

  ‘Nana, I know you’re worried about how Loki is going to take this, but you have to realise that in the long run, it might be just what he needs.’

  My mom fills this man in on the past fifteen years of my son’s life. Her voice catches as she tells him about the nyaope incident and how we all struggled with it.

  Vusi looks shocked. ‘I am to blame for that,’ he says. ‘My son using drugs? If I had been in his life maybe I would have been able to stop him doing that.’

  Mxm. Who the hell does he think he is? Superman? What an arsehole.

  ‘So,’ I say, ‘you think you’d have done a better job than my mom and me?’

  ‘No, no. Please. Don’t get me wrong. All I’m saying is that, as a man, I know how important it is for a teenage boy to have a father. Another man to look up to. Maybe if I had been in his life, I would have been able to keep him away from those things. You know, I run a soccer clinic in Tembisa, where I live. You should see those boys every Saturday. They are so energised and motivated. It keeps them busy. It keeps them off the streets.’

  My mom seems to be softening considerably towards this man.

  I take a good look at him. I still see Satan. I see Satan wandering the streets of Tembisa with a soccer ball, pretending to be Community Builder of the Year. I even imagine him with a long tail and a huge red pitchfork in his hand. I really hate this guy.

  ‘Tell me something, Vusi. Why did you disappear when you heard that I was carrying your child?’

  He sighs deeply. ‘Bontle, I was thirty years old at the time. I know I wasn’t a child, but I was scared. I knew what I did with you was wrong. My wife and I had only been married for two years. She herself was pregnant with our first child. I panicked. I just … I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I thought that running away would make it go away. I’m so sorry. You have to believe me.’

  ‘So it took you fifteen whole years to feel enough remorse to correct your mistakes?’

  ‘It’s more than that. You don’t understand. I’ve been feeling sick about this for years. I just could not summon the courage to reach out until about two years ago. Please, I know that, even culturally, there is a lot I must do. I’m ready. I will pay Inhlawulo and I will help with Golokile’s schooling from now on. Please. I’ll do anything.’

  Pay for his schooling?

  What about the baby food, nappies, clothes, and all the stuff my mom and I have been taking care of all these years?

  I give him the evil eye. He clearly doesn’t know who he’s messing with. Bloody Idiot!

  ‘You think promising us money is going to fix the shit you pulled on us? Hmmph. You must be dreaming.’

  My mom barges in. ‘Bontle, please, nana. I know you’re hurting but what Loki needs right now are two strong parents to make sure that he thrives in this challenging world. I’m getting older, and I may not be able to be there for him in the way that he needs. Please just consider giving Vusi a chance … we all deserve a second chance …’

  What am I going to do?

  How is this going to affect my son?

  Where are we even going to start with these revelations?

  I sigh deeply.

  ‘I honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if I trust your judgment about this.’

  She takes my hand again.

  ‘The two of us have done what we could to raise this boy the best way we could … somehow, we didn’t get it quite right. Don’t you think we deserve some help?’

  I sigh and look from my mother to Vusi the taxi driver, and back to my mother.

  ‘You people had better know what you’re doing this time. I trust neither of you. You need to know that. And if you mess up my boy – I’ll kill you both.’

  ‘I won’t wrong you again, Bontle, I promise,’ says Gladys.

  Vusi adds quickly: ‘I’m a changed man, Bontle. Give me time to prove myself. I won’t let you or Loki down. That is my pledge to you. Please.’

  My mother looks distractedly at her watch and says: ‘Vusumuzi, Golokile will be coming back from school soon so you need to get going. Bontle and I will sit down and talk to him about this, in our own time and in our own way. In the meantime, I need you to write us a letter, a detailed one, with all the things that you commit to doing and how you propose to be part of this child’s life. You said you are still married? Have you discussed all this with your wife? I’m not willing for my son to be treated like a bastard who only gets to be seen in restaurants and malls.’

  Vusi nods enthusiastically. ‘Yes, Ma. You are a hundred per cent right. I have thought about all this for a long time now. I spoke to my wife before I started pursuing this matter. She’s a wonderful woman. She has vowed to give me her support, so Golokile is more than welcome in my house. And, of course, his sisters will be very happy to meet him.’

  He bathong! We’re doing family get-togethers already? His ‘sisters’. Oh please!

  ‘You mustn’t just pile all this stuff on him,’ I protest. ‘I don’t think he’ll be ready to meet your whole family all at once. I don’t want him to be overwhelmed.’

  ‘Bontle is right. Everything must be done in baby steps. We’ll also have to come and see your house before we allow him to visit.’

  Vusi nods enthusiastically. ‘I’m willing to abide by your wishes. You k
now what is best for him. So … where do we go from here?’

  ‘First, we need that letter. Then, we will need to come to your house with Loki to meet your family. The cultural and financial issues will be discussed at a later stage, but I’m glad you know you have to pay Inhlawulo to steer the process in the right direction.’

  Inhlawulo is a cultural practice that requires a man to pay a dowry price for a child conceived out of wedlock as a way of accepting or claiming his paternity of the child. It is a detailed process that involves written correspondence between the two families and final written agreements on the negotiated settlement going forward.

  I hear my mom rattling off these details. Maybe she’s right.

  When Loki was going through rehabilitation, his counsellor kept talking about a void in his life, an emptiness that he needed to fill. Maybe all along this void has been about Loki missing out on having a dad. A father. Like other children.

  I can relate to that sense of emptiness. Maybe it is a similar sense of longing that drives me to chase older men. I say a silent prayer that it will all work out for the best. I pray that Vusi’s sudden emergence helps Loki and doesn’t damage him.

  Suffer Little Children

  My mother and I make the decision. We will confess everything to Golokile.

  We decide to wait until Saturday to tell him the truth. We don’t want him too distracted at school by the revelation of this news.

  I spend Friday at my mother’s house, which makes Golokile very curious but happy. We always enjoy each other’s company; we love joking around and poking fun at each other. I wake up on Saturday morning and attempt to make breakfast for the three of us. We take our plates and go sit in my mother’s tiny dining room, which is still furnished with the cherrywood chairs and table of my youth. Golokile is in a good mood. He’s rattling off jokes and telling us about a character in his class who is constantly pulling pranks on the teachers. My mother and I laugh appreciatively at the ludicrous stories, but all the while the big unspoken truth hovers in the air.

  I am hoping that my mom will launch into the revelation as soon as possible. I feel suffocated by all that is still to be revealed. I am sick with worry about how Golokile is going to react to the news.

  After we finish our food, he stands up to clear the plates. My mother asks him to come back and join us at the table.

  ‘Ma, can I wash the dishes quickly? My friends and I are leaving for the movies at eleven … unless Bontle can drop us at the mall?’ he says, winking at me.

  ‘Come sit with us, baby boy,’ I say to him. ‘Mom and I have something important we need to talk to you about.’ Beneath the table my legs are trembling.

  Golokile comes back into the room. My mom laces her fingers together and looks at us.

  I wish time could stand still. I feel like this moment separates the relatively calm life that we’ve known from a future full of thunderstorms.

  ‘Sit down, ngwanaka,’ says Gladys, asking him to sit down.

  Golokile sits back down, looking first at me, then at my mother. He looks worried.

  ‘What have I done now?’

  My mom shakes her head. ‘No, relax, my boy. You haven’t done anything. Your sis … Bontle and I need to tell you something very important.’

  He looks at me questioningly. I take his hand and hold it.

  ‘Loki, you know I love you, right, my boy?’

  He nods. ‘You guys are scaring me,’ he says.

  I rub his hand gently. ‘There’s nothing for you to be scared of. It’s just that … Mama and I … there’s something we should have told you a long time ago, but …’ I feel tears catch in my throat. ‘Something important, something we’ve owed you …’

  I cannot get myself to say it.

  Then my mom says: ‘Loki, when your … when Bontle was fourteen years old, she met a man that she got involved with. This man was much older than her. Your sister was just a teenager. She was too forward, she didn’t know anything about life. She made some choices that a child should not have had to make. Loki, Bontle fell pregnant at fourteen … and had a baby.’

  Golokile pulls his hand sharply from mine. He starts shaking his head.

  ‘No—’

  ‘Baby … Bontle is your mother. I’m sorry we had to keep the truth from you.’

  ‘No! I hate you! Bitches! I hate you!’

  ‘Golokile, you cannot talk to me that way!’

  ‘It’s true! It’s true what people say about you! You are liars and bitches, both of you! I hate you!’ he screams.

  He stands up abruptly. With tears of anger flashing in his eyes, he bolts for the door. I go after him but he is running with the speed of an athlete. I chase after him and see him run towards the neighbour’s yard and jump over the fence. I follow suit, but he’s faster than me, and by the time he gets onto the street parallel to ours, he’s built up quite a distance between us. As he’s running, a dog starts chasing after him. He runs into somebody’s house to dodge it. By now I’m out of breath and when I finally get to that house, I see no trace of him. I jump over that fence as well, but Golokile is nowhere to be seen. Gone.

  I’m really out of breath now. I start wandering around the streets like a mad person. Where would he go to? Maybe to one of his friends’ houses? I decide to go back home. We’ll have to call around and see if he’s decided to hide out at a friend’s. When I get to our house, my mother is sick with worry.

  ‘Maybe we should have handled it differently.’

  ‘Differently how, Mom? Either way, he was never going to be happy with this.’

  We both sit in silence, each of us running different scenarios in our heads.

  I have so many regrets.

  If we’d been honest from the start, none of this would have happened. Maybe my life would have taken a completely different turn. Maybe I would have been more serious in my studies, made something of my life. But instead, I fell into the arms of another man.

  Granted, Ntokozo’s different from every other man I’ve been with, but I couldn’t even appreciate that. My mother and I had buried the truth and a part of me with it.

  Anyway, I’ve lived my life the way I thought I should live it. Now I only want everything to be all right with Golokile.

  Day Three

  When Loki didn’t come by the next morning and we couldn’t find him anywhere, we filed a missing person report. My mother alerted Vusi, who said he would do his utmost to trace him, without any results so far. He circulated a picture of him amongst his taxi-driver friends and the drivers that worked for him.

  I stay home in Mamelodi for three more days. I’m so distressed, I call Ntokozo, though I know he’s done with me and my family. It’s a knee-jerk reaction. He’s the first person I think of when I’m in crisis.

  Ntokozo promises to make a few calls around and says that he’ll be keeping in touch with me till we find Loki.

  My mother is a mess. She’s been drinking uncontrollably.

  Vusi went with us to all Loki’s friends’ houses, hoping to find him. We even visited the drug den in Soshanguve where we found him a year ago. Still no trace of him. We notified the school and asked them to make an official announcement. We haven’t heard a thing. Where can he have run to? He’s on foot; he did not even have so much as a cent on him. It has to be a friend who is harbouring him.

  Not only am I sick with worry, but I can feel my body descending towards depression. I think it’s best I go back to my own place. I’m buckling under the pressure here. I have to will myself to move. I get into my car and drive to Sandton. When I get there, I take a few sleeping pills and wash them down with a half-empty bottle of wine.

  I wish never to awake again.

  Day Five

  I’ve been in bed for the past two days. I haven’t washed, have not eaten much. I’ve drunk a lot though.

  I hear a buzzing on the intercom.

  Who can it be? I’m in no mood to face the world.

  I decide to ignore it and ho
pe whoever it is will go away.

  My landline rings. Ntokozo.

  Oh, gosh. I can’t speak to him.

  The intercom rings again.

  Go away!

  Ntokozo calls on the landline.

  ‘Hello?’ I finally pick up the call.

  ‘Bontle, I’m at your gate. Open for me.’

  No! Go to your perfect girlfriend! I feel like screaming, but instead I utter a meek ‘okay’.

  I go to the kitchen and press the intercom button to let him in. I catch a glimpse of myself in the lounge mirror.

  I look like death. My weave is in a tizz and I have dark circles under my eyes. I don’t really care but at the very least I should go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. I leave the front door unlocked.

  It’s all I can manage before lying down on the bed again.

  The whole place is a wreck. I’m aware of the empty bottles strewn carelessly over the floor. And the room probably stinks … I haven’t washed in days. I don’t care. Maybe this will be enough to chase him away.

  ‘Bontle, what … ?’ Ntokozo says, as he goes to open the curtains and windows and air the place out.

  I’m not even sure what time of day it is. The harsh light from outside is unwelcome. It must be midday.

  ‘Bontle, are you okay? Why aren’t you picking up my calls? You still haven’t found Loki?’

  I look up at him from the bed and shake my head.

  Ntokozo comes to sit next to me.

  ‘Come on. I’m sure there’s something that can be done. Are there any new developments?’

  I shake my head again.

  ‘We’ve tried everything. We’ve filed a missing person report … have you not heard anything? Maybe from one of the hospitals?’

  He puts his arm over my shoulders. ‘No. I’ve sent out feelers. Sent his picture around but nothing yet … I’m so sorry, Bontle.’

  I sob softly.

  ‘He’s … he’s my son, you know.’ The words are a whisper.