Ntokozo pulls me closer.
‘What did you say?’ he asks softly.
‘Loki,’ I say, tears in my eyes, ‘he’s my son, Ntokozo.’
He’s quiet. I don’t know if he’s shocked or if he thinks I’m delirious. But he’s still holding onto me.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
I take a deep breath.
‘You remember in high school … when I disappeared? I was pregnant with him. There was an older man … one of Gladys’s customers. I didn’t know … didn’t know what I was doing. I’ve wanted to confess to you a thousand times but there just never seemed to be the right time … I’m sorry.’
We sit in silence for a long time.
‘There were a few occasions when I kind of suspected it,’ he tells me finally. ‘There were a lot of rumours when you disappeared from school. Some kids speculated that you were pregnant but then you came back and it seemed like you were still your old self, except quieter. I’d always been attracted to you so …’ He shrugs. ‘I thought, to hell with the rumours. When you told me you’d suffered from depression, I only wanted to protect you. I thought it explained your quietness. You were different from the extroverted girl you’d been before you’d left. I actually liked you more because you seemed more mature.’
‘Do you hate me for lying to you all those years?’
He’s silent again. Then shrugs.
‘I don’t know how I feel. Somehow, I’m not as shocked as I probably should be. I guess I’m more worried about Loki’s whereabouts than anything else. Why did you decide to keep it a secret for so long?’
My turn to shrug.
‘Shame … I guess. There were already so many awful things being said about me. Hood rat. Shebeen queen’s daughter. I couldn’t add “slut” or teen mother to all of that. It felt like too much to deal with. My mother also made me promise not to say anything about the pregnancy to anyone. And then when you came along, and saw me as someone you could care about, I didn’t want to disappoint you with the truth.’
‘But, Bontle, you were just a young girl in a bad set of circumstances. You were fourteen. How old was Loki’s father?’
‘Much older. I had no clue what I was doing. I was so dumb, I knew nothing about love or relationships when I got together with Vusi Ndaba … Loki’s dad. And my mom …’
‘Your mother’s not been good to you, Bontle. I’ve always told you she was a bad influence.’
I don’t want this to turn this into a vilification of Gladys. That’s between me and her. I don’t like it when Ntokozo demonises her. His own parents are not perfect either. Despite her glaring flaws, she’s my mother and she’s tried.
‘Listen, let me help you clean up this place. Go take a shower and I’ll take you out for coffee. It’s not good for you to lock yourself up like this.’
I reluctantly stand up and walk slowly to the bathroom. I can hear Ntokozo moving around, tidying up.
Picking up the Pieces
It was good to step out of the house with Ntokozo. His girlfriend called several times during our coffee outing. I wonder how they talk about me. The messy ex?
After he dropped me off at my apartment, I started giving the place a proper clean up just to keep myself distracted.
At seven o’ clock in the evening, I got a call from my mom. She knew where Golokile was.
Ironically enough, it was one of Vusi’s drivers who finally found him.
Loki was on the streets. He’d hitched his way to Hillbrow, where he’d been living the life of the homeless – eating from soup kitchens, hanging around with other street children. When we fetch him I can tell he’s been taking drugs too. He’s not completely lucid in his speech. His words are slurred and his eyes are glassy.
My heart is just shards of glass. My only consolation is the fact that he’s back with us.
There’s a lot of work to be done.
We need to stay with him for a few days. Wash him, feed him, talk to him. He needs love. My boy just needs love.
I kneel down and pray every night. I thank God that he’s delivered my son back to us. I even go to church on Sunday with my mom – and Loki. I’ve been home for seven days. It’s the longest I’ve stayed with my mom since I left home with Ntokozo.
I’m not sure what to do next. I call Ntokozo to tell him that we’ve managed to locate Loki. I explain the state he’s in, which is cause for concern for all of us. Ntokozo is sympathetic and worried for Loki. He promises to call me back after he’s given the situation some thought. He calls me a few hours later and recommends rehab for Loki again. He also says that perhaps we should refer him to a child psychologist, to assist him in the longer term – and he’s got some names and numbers for me.
I phone and make an appointment for Loki with a Dr Betty Mokhosi, and she proves to be an excellent choice. She is patient, warm but firm. I drive Loki to sessions with the doctor over a period of two weeks. She recommends another drug rehab program but wants to supplement this with her own extended therapy. I ask to have a private consultation with her and confide in her about Vusi’s intention to be present in Loki’s life.
She recommends that we wait until he completes his rehab program. She also promises to start working on the issue of the father figure in her sessions with Loki. The intention is to prepare him mentally for eventually meeting Vusi.
Loki is surprisingly co-operative but not very talkative.
We admit him into a thirty-day in-patient rehab program.
My mother and I pay him regular visits in which we talk mostly about mundane, everyday things. During one of the visits, my mother blurts out: ‘Loki, I’m glad you’re doing so well here, my boy. Bontle and I are very sorry for all that we put you through.’
Loki is silent.
‘Loks, you have to try and understand. I was just a kid myself during that time. Even younger than you are now. I was only fourteen,’ I tell him.
‘Were you ashamed of me?’ he asks, anger flickering in his eyes.
My heart starts beating violently against my chest. I have to be careful with my response. I need to try and be honest, but he’s so vulnerable; I don’t want him running off on us again.
‘Baby boy … I fell in love with you the minute I held you in my arms. You were the most perfect little baby I’d ever seen. But I was fourteen, a child, just a young girl who’d suddenly become a mother. Those days … when I first brought you home … my heart was full. I didn’t even want to go back to school. I just wanted to sit and look at you, to be with you all day long. But, you know, I was still a kid. And kids need an education. They need to complete their studies so they can make something of their lives. That’s why Mom tried to protect me. She thought she was doing what was best. For everyone. We both love you very much. You do know that, right, Loki?’
I feel a sense of bitterness when I say this. I’m painting my mother as a saint; even though she wasn’t. She just did what she had to because she had not counted on me falling pregnant. Maybe it’s a good thing I did. Who knows how many old men I’d have had to please if I hadn’t?
For Loki’s sake and for the sake of my sanity, this is the narrative I must tell, the one starring Gladys as Mother Superior.
He looks at me, expressionless.
My mother takes his hands between hers. ‘Listen, Golokile. You have to believe that we did everything we could to protect you from getting hurt or from falling behind other children. This girl, she was way too young. There was no way she could have managed to raise you as her child. But the love she’s shown you, in her own way, it should tell you how much she’s always cared about you.’ She squeezes his hand. ‘You know this, don’t you, Loki?’
He hesitates, then nods.
My mom smiles and kisses his hand. ‘Loki, listen to your … grandmother. There is something else I want to tell you, but be strong for me, okay? It’s not a bad thing. It’s just something that you need to think about and decide for yourself.’
What is she d
oing? Is she crazy? We’d agreed we’d only start talking about Vusi during therapy with Dr Mokhosi.
I nudge her.
‘Bontle, don’t do that.’
It’s Loki. His words come out vehemently.
My mom pats my hand. ‘It’s okay, Bontle. Loki will be fine. He needs this.’
I am rattled. I console myself that in rehab he will not have access to anything harmful so maybe it is the best place for him to hear this.
‘Loki, your father’s name is Vusumuzi Ndaba. He lives in Tembisa. He has a wife and two children. Daughters. Your father is dying to meet you. He’s been wanting to meet you for some time, but we were not sure of his intentions at first. We tried to protect you. We didn’t want him to appear in your life only to disappear again.’
Loki looks at her with those expressionless eyes again. He is quiet for a long time. Then he says: ‘Where is he?’
‘You mean, now?’ says my mom.
He nods.
‘In Tembisa. He’s the one who helped us find you. He’s a taxi owner. Thibedi – the guy who found you? – he’s one of Vusi’s drivers.’
Golokile nods again. ‘Okay.’ Then, after a while, he says, ‘Tell him to come and meet me.’
Two Months Later
I hate to say this, but the Transport Executive is turning out to be okay. Why are you sneering at me? Doesn’t everyone deserve a promotion?
Vusi Ndaba is a Transport Executive because he owns taxis instead of driving them. Anyway, Vusi Ndaba is also a Transport Executive because, since his arrival, life is starting to take a turn for the better, and as much as it pains me to admit it, Vusi has a lot to do with this.
After his first visit with Loki, they struck up an agreement to make the visits more regular and to have Loki spend some time with Vusi’s family in Tembisa once he was out of rehab. My mother and I protested, but in the end we agreed that Golokile would spend the first month at home in Mamelodi, then visit the Ndabas for a weekend in their home.
During his first month out of rehab, Vusi held an Inhlawulo ceremony for Golokile at my grandmother’s house in Hammansksraal. He presented my family with a cow, which was slaughtered as part of the ceremonial celebrations. My aunts and some of their children were present, while Vusi arrived with his uncles, who were part of the negotiations for the Inhlawulo. This was settled during the same occasion and for the first time since I’ve known you, I’ve decided to withhold the amount … only out of respect for Loki.
But you know we don’t come cheap, ne?
It was a serene, surreal, yet joyous occasion. I could count the number of smiles on Loki’s face that day. One. His face never changed expression. He was so happy, so normal. Like the first burst of sunlight after a long rainy season. I had hope that we’d been given another chance at last.
Light Breaks through the Clouds
This weekend, Loki is going to spend time with Vusi’s family for the first time. I feel a bit threatened. So far, Vusi seems to have endeared himself to Loki beyond all expectation.
I spend the whole week beforehand at my mother’s place and decide to take Loki to school every day. Afterwards, we go for long drives. At first, he’s resentful; he is still shutting me out. So we drive mostly without speaking.
On the third day, he breaks the now familiar silence with a question.
‘Why didn’t you try harder?’ he asks me.
‘What … what do you mean, Loki?’
‘Knowing I was your child, why didn’t you do more of this kind of stuff, Bontle? Like, spend more time with me?’
Tears sting my eyes. I feel guilty. Caught out.
I’m a fraud.
I thought what I was doing was enough. But, of course, I was wrong. Showing up once a weekend every month with brand names is not love. Certainly not motherly love. Even Gladys, whom I’ve always regarded as an inadequate mother, gave me much more than that.
‘I’m sorry, Loki. I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t want to make excuses for myself. I just want to make things right between us. Please … tell me what you need. Tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you,’ I say desperately.
He seems irritated. ‘But aren’t you supposed to know what your child needs?’
This is frustrating.
‘Loki, I know I’m selfish. I know I’m not perfect. That’s why I’m scared to make assumptions about what you need from me. I’m scared I’ll think it’s adequate, only to disappoint you again.’
He keeps quiet. Then, ‘Fine,’ he says. ‘I’ll send you a list.’
He laughs. It’s such a magical sound. Even if he is laughing at me.
The Ndabas
The weekend rolls around faster than I am ready to welcome it.
Vusi and Loki want to start their weekend early – on Friday after school. My mother and I decide that it would be best for us to drop Loki off at Vusi’s home instead of allowing him to come and pick Loki up from Mamelodi.
Loki cannot conceal his excitement. His dad gave him a soccer kit during his last visit to our house. They’re planning to spend most of the weekend showing off their skills to each other.
During the drive, Loki is surprisingly chatty until we take the off-ramp on Olifantsfontein Drive to make our way to Hospital View in Tembisa, where Vusi and his family reside. He goes quiet then and I can tell he’s starting to feel nervous.
My mom says to him: ‘Remember, baby boy, if for any reason you feel uncomfortable, any reason at all, you just call your sister or me, and we’ll come and pick you up immediately.’
She still calls me Loki’s sister.
‘Yup,’ I chime in. ‘And if anyone harasses you, let me know. I’ll come and whoop their arses.’
‘Sies, Bontle!’ my mom exclaims.
We all laugh.
‘Hey, be careful with this one,’ my mom warns him. ‘Do you know how much she kicked and scratched Vusi Ndaba? You should have seen her. She was like Muhammad Ali.’
Loki is incredulous, but he’s still laughing. ‘Really? When was this?’ he asks.
‘The day he came to our house, looking for you. A few days before we told you … you know, everything …’ Now my mom sounds uncomfortable. I think she’s afraid she’s stepped on shaky ground.
I share her discomfort. She and I glance at each other.
Loki surprises us both by bursting out laughing. He shakes his head. ‘How did I end up surrounded by such crazy women?’
‘Like it or not, we are yours, for ever and ever and ever,’ says my mom.
Silence.
‘Maybe the Tembisans are just as entertaining. Don’t be so sure of yourselves,’ Loki says, with a twinkle in his eye.
‘What?’ I respond. ‘You’ll be bored with those people within minutes. You’ll be calling us and saying, “Please rescue me. All they want to talk about is Bree Street and Noord Street and gearboxes.” When you sit on their couch, they’ll yell, “Four, four, please!” Ha! You’ll be begging us to save you from the taxi people!’
We’re getting close to the Ndaba home. My mom and I have been here once before, when we went to meet Vusi’s family prior to the Inhlawulo ceremony.
The wife is a quiet, unassuming Zulu woman. She seems sweet enough. During that visit, she’d allowed her husband to introduce her, then brought us tea and biscuits. She didn’t have much to say, but she didn’t strike me as malicious or ill-intentioned in her silence.
We park opposite one of the Ndabas’ twin garages and remain in the car.
The door opens and Vusi steps out of his house. He comes over to the car and takes Loki’s bag. ‘You ready, mfana? It’s going to be a busy weekend,’ he says.
I peek out my window. ‘Don’t get my boy driving taxis the whole weekend, wena, Ndaba.’
He laughs. ‘Oh, we have far more exciting things lined up than that. I’m taking this boy to a derby match tomorrow, then he’s going to play with my team on Sunday. By the time he comes back to Mamelodi, he’ll be fit as a horse.’
‘Yeah, right, from one soccer match?’
My mom chimes in. ‘Ag, don’t worry about this one, wena, Vusi. She’s just jealous.’
I get out the car and give Loki a big hug. ‘Be good, my sweetheart.’
He smiles. ‘I’ll call you later.’ Then he goes around to my mom in the passenger seat. ‘Bye, Mama. Don’t forget to record that show for me, ne?’
My mom nods. ‘I won’t. But you’re only going to watch it after you’ve done your homework.’
‘Yeah, yeah, okay. ’Bye.’
I start the car and roll up the windows.
Magic
Now that things are starting to calm down with Loki, I feel I can start focusing on my business again. I have a meeting with Aunty Mabel, who’s been keeping in touch with my mom and me during the Golokile crisis.
She’s helping me look for the right space for the new business but, like I said, it’s more than just a boutique. It’s a palace of glamour where women can pop in to select THE chic outfit for a special occasion. The store links up to a hair boutique and make-up room so that when the client goes out to the specific occasion, we’re able to supply the finishing touches to her look. The whole place is called Fairydust. We’re going to sprinkle magic dust on our clients and get each one of them to look like the belle of the ball. Isn’t it exciting! Aunty Mabel is coming in as a partner in the business. We’re going to be a huge success. Watch this space!
From a Blessing to a Curse
Mr Emmanuel wants to meet up with me. You know what? I’ve decided to dump all my blessers. ALL of them. The greedy part of me still wants to hold onto the BMW but I honestly need to make a clean break, so I’ve agreed to see him only so I can hand him back his keys. I’m sure I can put down a decent deposit for a second-hand Merc or BMW, if not now then soon.
I’ve also been avoiding the girls all this time, but they’ve been busy with their careers too. I managed to see Tsholo once, after we found Loki, but I have not seen nor heard from Iris in almost four months!
The Blessed Girl Page 20