“What’s wrong?” he asks, immediately.
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me, Hadley.” He turns my chin so that I’m facing him. His eyes, the ones I fell so deeply in love with, are greener today than blue. I learned over the years that the color often changed depending on his mood or his clothing. Today, I’m not sure which is making the change for him. The thing about Ryan is that he can read me like an open book. I should be thankful, except I’m trying to keep my emotions in check. I’m hurt, angry and stupid, and I feel like I’m chasing after someone who is standing still just out of my grasp with each step I take.
“You bought a car, and I wasn’t here to see it. I feel incredibly lost and stupid right now,” I blurt out and watch his eyes widen at my mini tirade.
He leans back in his seat and shakes his head. “I didn’t buy this car. I rented it for the day so you didn’t have to walk.” He runs his hand through his hair before looking at me. “I’m lost too, Hadley. Since you showed up, I’m not sure what to think anymore. My head is spinning, and my thoughts are racing a mile a minute, but you’re far from stupid.” He leans forward, his lips puckered. My body sighs when his lips press against my forehead. He doesn’t pull away at first, and I take that as a sign.
“I wouldn’t mind walking,” I put that out there, letting him know that I’m going to be as flexible as I can be.
“Where I want to take you is pretty far.” He pulls away and starts the car. When he pulls out into traffic I look behind to see if any of the paparazzi are following us. Thing is, I wouldn’t know. We sat long enough in the car to give them an opportunity to. I just hope they don’t rain on my parade. I just want one day.
I want to kick my own ass. For days, I’ve been avoiding Hadley, and everything seemed to be working in my favor. Phone calls went unreturned, and text messages were replied with only a word or two. I wasn’t going to give her any room to weasel her way back into my life. A life, mind you, that I’m trying to rebuild. A life in which, I have a girlfriend.
My girlfriend, Jessica, is a sweet, beautiful and completely understanding woman, and she showed up at my apartment last night looking so forlorn. Letting her in was a mistake. Not because I don’t love her but because of what she said and did. When she sat down, she opened her bag and poured almost every magazine cover featuring Hadley and me on my coffee table. I sat across from her, looking at the stockpile wondering what in the hell she was thinking. When she explained to me that for the past few days she has been researching us, against her better judgment, she came to the conclusion that Hadley and I have unresolved feelings that need to be taken care of before Jessica and I can move on to the next step in our relationship. I balked. She walked out, leaving all the magazines lying haphazardly in front of me, reminding me of a past I’m finding hard to forget.
Pure torture. I caved, and now here I am in the seat of a rental car driving my ex fiancée, who is still wearing my ring, to Cape Cod. When I texted Hadley, asking her if she wanted to spend the day with me, I hadn’t a clue what to do. To say I feel both awkward and relieved makes me feel like I’m a walking contradiction. I love Hadley and seven or eight months ago I would’ve welcomed her back with open arms. But when you start giving your heart to another person who deserves to be loved, it’s hard to just shut yourself off.
I decided on one of the most sought-after vacation spots in New England, knowing that she wants me back, and I’m here because my current girlfriend thinks this is a good idea. If I ever hear a woman say men are confusing, I’m going to sit her down and tell her my story.
Waking up this morning, I thought this would be a piece of cake. I’d show up, take her out and go back to ignoring her. Jessica would be happy. Hadley would leave. I’d go back to my daily business. Except she opened the door, and I saw the real Hadley staring back at me, not the pop princess that everyone loves and worships. I saw the sweet, loving, beautiful woman that I fell in love with, twice in my life, giving me her biggest smile. I also saw that smile fall when I refused to cross the threshold of her hotel room. Yet I didn’t hesitate to offer her my arm, and that’s why I want to kick my own ass.
Sitting beside her now, I have my hand under my leg as I drive across the Bourne Bridge. I glance over at her every so often and watch her as she takes in the sights. She lets out little squeals of delight when something catches her eye, and with each one I want to pull my hand out from under my leg and touch her. I want to feel her skin against my fingertips because I’ve missed her. Had I not offered her my arm back at the hotel, I don’t think I would feel this way… maybe.
“Oh Ryan, the air…” she has her window rolled down and her eyes are closed. It’s in this moment that I realize what town I need to take her to.
“It’s a lot different than New York,” I put out there. I wanted her to move with me, but she was never keen on the idea. Not that I want her to now, but I want her to love this area as much as I do. I want her to see that she was wrong and that we could’ve made a life here. She doesn’t reply, and I know I struck a nerve with her. It wasn’t my intention, but I’m pleased with myself for doing so.
I pull into the parking lot and watch in amazement as her eyes light up. Waves are crashing against the rocks. Kites are flying high in the sky, and there are yachts and sail boats, visible from where we’re parked, floating out in the ocean. I was smart enough to think ahead and brought a blanket, just in case. Until I pulled in here, I wasn’t sure what we were going to do today. After getting out of the car and grabbing the blanket, I open her door for her. She takes my hand, but as soon as she’s standing, I let go. The hurt on her face doesn’t escape my notice and the ache in my heart grows. I’m not a free man though, and she has to understand that.
We walk side by side and trudge through the sand until we decide on a spot to sit. It’s peaceful out here and I thought about moving to the Cape, but with my job being mostly in the summer and the traffic, I thought better of it.
As soon as we’re sitting, her sandals are off and her toes are digging into the sand. I laugh as she wiggles her red-polished toes free, only to push them under again.
“Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been to the beach?”
I shake my head. “Unless you went without me…” I shrug, not sure how to finish my train of thought. It pains me to think of Hadley with someone else, but I can’t fault her if she was. Doing so makes me a hypocrite.
“Years, Ryan. The last time was with you.”
I pull my legs up and rest my arms on top of my knees. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for what I’m about to say. “Hadley, you asked me when I was seventeen where my dream date would be, beach or home, and I said beach.” I shake my head and refuse to look at her. “I shouldn’t be here because I’m with Jessica, but I am, and this is something we should’ve done a long time ago. Ending our relationship the way we did was wrong. We owed it to ourselves to be better for each other, stronger.”
“I know,” she whispers.
“We’re both at fault for the demise of our relationship, and something tells me that you’re not accepting that we’re over.”
She shakes her head and looks at me. “That’s not it, Ryan. I didn’t take off my ring not because I didn’t want to accept we were through, but out of respect for you and your new job. I didn’t want the media all over you, and I didn’t want it to spotlight the tour. I know I’m a selfish person. I know I don’t deserve to be here right now. We used to make sense and then one day we didn’t. I think for a bit we wanted different things, and now we’re here. As much as I’d love to think we’re on the same page, I know we’re not.”
She’s right. We weren’t.
“I think our lives would be so different if we had stayed together when I was seventeen.”
She nods. “I know they would be, but you wouldn’t be happy. We needed that break. You had to grow and I really needed to find myself. I just hated that we lost each other in the mix.” Hadley mimics m
y position, but lays her head on her arms and looks at me. “Do you regret us?”
I shake my head slowly so she can see me. “Never. I love you, Hadley. I think I always will.”
“Where did we go wrong?”
I let out a deep breath and laugh. “Well, the list is long.” I slip off my shoes and bury my toes in the sand. The gritty feeling is a true statement of how my heart feels right now. You either love it or hate it, and right now I’m not sure which I prefer. “I wanted get married and travel. You wanted kids and wanted me to raise them while you toured. I didn’t have the best life growing up, but I do know I want to raise my children with my wife in a home with stability.”
She nods. “Alex and Cole have a baby,” she says softly. “A little girl.”
“So does Dylan,” I add. “I’m going to be honest with you because I feel that you deserve at least that from me. Holding Dylan’s daughter, it changed my perspective. I want a family, Hadley, but not at the expense where my children are growing up without a mother around all the time.”
“Am I too late?” she asks, her voice breaking.
I swallow hard and stare out into the wide-open space before us. “I can’t answer that right now.”
I’m back to day one and standing outside the giant stadium. I know I’m taking a risk by coming here again, but after yesterday I can’t stop thinking about what Ryan said. He poured out his heart, leaving me somewhat blindsided, but also with the hope that there might be a chance. I’m the epitome of evil though, trying to steal another woman’s man. A situation like this is what makes great songs. I’m a stupid cliché and my own worst enemy. The last thing I want is for Ryan to hate me so I’m taking the hands-off approach. If Ryan reaches out for my hand, I’m going to nicely reject him. I don’t want the paparazzi to snap an innocent picture and blast it all over Page Six with a bogus headline. That’s not fair to Ryan or his girlfriend, and out of respect for her I’m going to do my best to keep Ryan faithful.
I’m not, however, giving up. I can’t. He opened a window for me yesterday, and that tells me that he’s not in love with Jessica. When he told me that he still loved me, my heart did a little shimmy, but I’m not naïve enough to think it’s the same type of love we’ve shared or what he’s feeling now for Jessica.
I have to remind myself to say her name. To make sure she has an identity in all of this. The minute I forget I know I’ll do something stupid. It’s not just Ryan and I; there are three of us in this triangle that I’ve created. Thing is, even if I knew about Jessica I’d still be here trying my hardest to get Ryan back. He’s my soul mate, my partner. I’m not nearly the person I should be without him. Ryan Stone completes me in every way possible. I’ve known that for almost ten years now.
Walking down the corridor, this time without my heels to make my presence known, I take the same escalator as I did before. The receptionist is at her desk this time and looks up when the door opens. I give her my best Hadley Carter smile and am graciously rewarded with one in return.
“May I help you?”
“I’m here to see Ryan Stone.”
“Do you have an appointment?”
I should have a standing one, but I ruined any chance of that happening. I shake my head quickly, much to her disdain. I catch the slight eye roll she’s performing before she looks away.
“Let me see if he’s free.” She looks down at her desk briefly before turning to her computer. “Mr. Stone is on a conference call. It could be awhile.”
“I’ll wait,” I say with a sugary tone. She doesn’t like me, I can tell. For all I know she could be best friends with Jessica, who could walk in any minute and go right into his office, but I can’t. I’m the outsider, the home wrecker. I pick up a copy of Live Entertainment and blanch. Of course Ryan and I are on the cover. The headline is nothing glamorous.
Renegades General Manager, Ryan Stone, seems to be playing the ‘field’ as he’s seen with his former girlfriend, pop sensation, Hadley Carter.
I’m tempted to read the article, but know it will be nothing but this source said this and that when in fact there are no sources. Alex doesn’t know what’s going on, as I’ve dodged all her calls. Carrie would never speak to the press unless we were issuing a statement, and since I never comment on my public life, that’s never happening. That does leave Dylan. She’d yap until she’s blue in the face if it paints me in a bad light and of course, Jessica. She could be heartbroken and wallowing at home for all I know, except she’s probably not because she still has Ryan. I shuffle through the other magazines, but they’re mostly about baseball. A topic that I should know about, but don’t. Truth is, I never took an interest in Ryan’s job and for that I’m kicking myself. It’s not that I didn’t care, but I’ve never been a sports fan.
“Hadley?”
I look up to find a surprised Ryan standing in front of me. He’s in a suit and looking so sophisticated. I stand and greet him with a kiss on each cheek.
“How long have you been out here?”
I look at my watch quickly before seeking out his eyes. “About twenty minutes. It’s okay. I know you’re busy, and I’m probably interrupting your day.
He turns his head and glances at the receptionist who quickly turns her back to him. “Come in to my office.”
The child in me wants to stick my tongue out at her, but I refrain. I really don’t need that headline in tomorrow’s gossip column. I follow Ryan into his office and again marvel at the size of the windows that afford him a view of the ballpark. I’m instantly drawn to the action outside and stand there, looking out.
“Want a tour?” I feel Ryan step behind me. He’s close enough that I can smell his cologne. The scents of sandalwood and peppermint with a hint of citrus send my hormones into overdrive. If we were in another place, another time, I’d be in his arms.
“I’d like that very much,” I say, turning toward him. There are only inches between us. Our hands brush against each other, and I feel his fingers repeat the grazing motion. His eyes are focused on mine so intently. His head turns slightly and I follow.
“Ryan, I…” the voice and clearing of a throat causes him to step back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“You didn’t, Jessica. I was just asking Hadley if she wanted a tour.”
I smile at Jessica, but turn away. I don’t want to see her staring at Ryan. I don’t want to see hurt in her eyes because of what she just witnessed. Had Ryan kissed me in that moment, I would’ve allowed it because I’m that selfish.
I can see their silhouettes reflected through the windows, and instead of watching the guys on the field I’m watching them. His hand rests on her hip and their backs are to me. The hushed tones bother me, but this is his office. I’m sure it’s business and not personal. I would hope she’s not over there planning my demise, although if I were in her shoes that’s exactly what I’d be doing.
When I see Ryan turn toward me, I avert my eyes and pretend I’m capitated by the man swinging the bat.
“Are you ready?”
I turn and offer him a smile. He doesn’t smile back, but I don’t let that ruin this moment. He places his hand on the small of my back and leads me out of his office.
“Why are there so many people now? These halls were empty when I arrived.”
“It’s game day. We have a lot of seasonal employees here, and most show up two to three hours before the gates open.”
I stop in my tracks. “Oh Ryan, I wasn’t aware. I’m sorry. I can come back.”
“Don’t be silly,” he says as he pushes us along. We take the escalator down and stop in front of the souvenir stand. “What’s your pleasure, Ms. Carter?”
“Excuse me?”
Ryan laughs. “Well, I figured since you’re here and it’s game day, we’d catch a game.”
“I’ve never been to a game.”
“I know, Hadley, and we’re about to change that.”
After I pick out a hat and a t-shirt, Ryan and I
go to dinner and by dinner I mean we walk a few feet and order hotdogs, nachos, popcorn and a giant pretzel to share. He said we’d share, but I’m a bit skeptical. With our food in our hands, he leads us to our seats. I hear the whispers as I descend the steps, but ignore them. I’m here to watch a baseball game with the man of my dreams, and if that means no autographs tonight, I’m going to do just that.
Ryan and I sit down and my hand instantly delves into the popcorn. “God this stuff is so bad for us.”
“I know, but it’s a staple. You have to get popcorn and a hotdog at a baseball game.”
I nod as I bite into mine. “This is really good.”
He laughs as he eats his. “Everything that’s bad for you is good.”
“Excuse me.” We both look up to find five or six girls standing off to the side of us. “Can we get a picture?”
I look at Ryan and don’t miss the eye roll. I clear my throat. “Not tonight. I’m sorry.” I’ve never seen faces fall so fast, but I want to be a normal person tonight with Ryan. As soon as they’re gone, he smiles. I bump his shoulder with mine, and he laughs again.
After we stand for the National Anthem, the game gets underway. Ryan is the perfect host in explaining everything to me. Deep into the eighth inning, the game is tied and we’re up to bat. I’m leaning forward with my hands clasped, praying like everyone else in the park for a hit. The batter swings and we can all hear the ball hit the bat. Heads all move in slow motion as we follow the ball as it flies out of the park. The stadium erupts in cheers as we all stand up.
“Oh my God, Ryan, did you see that?” I ask as I clutch his arm. I’m so excited I miss the chance to give him a high five. Once our hands connect, everything around us stops. Ryan leans toward me as I wet my lips. As much as I should shy away, I can’t. I love him too much to deny myself a chance.
Lost in Us Page 4