by Debra Doxer
“Did she?” he asks bluntly, catching me by surprise.
I want to lie, laugh like his question is ridiculous, but doing that won’t help me find out what he knows. “She did. And she hated it. It ruined her,” I answer.
He’s silent for a moment. “Is that why she behaved the way she did?” he asks.
I nod. I know that was at least part of the reason.
“What about you?” He takes a step toward me. “Do you have it?” he asks softly, his eyes studying me.
I nearly stop breathing. For some reason, right now, it feels very important to lie about this. If I don’t, I’m afraid everything will change. “No, I don’t,” I reply evenly. “Do you?”
Something in his eyes shifts, like he doesn’t quite believe me. Then it’s gone and he smiles. “No.”
We stare at each other for a moment, and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. Kyle looks away first, picking up the filter again and sighing. “Good luck dress shopping,” he says before lowering himself onto the floor in front of the refrigerator again.
I release a relieved breath, but I’m not really relieved at all. I’m uneasy.
Gwen arrives and informs me that we’re going to the mall. I ask her to stop off at the bank so I can cash my check. I feel jittery, like I’ve just chugged a couple of espressos. Kyle knew about Mom and I think he knows about me, too. But I don’t know what, if anything, that means.
Like a woman on a mission, Gwen marches right into Macy’s, which much to my surprise, has a whole department dedicated to prom dresses. There are all kinds in different shapes and colors. I immediately look for the discount rack and start there. Most of them are hideous in awful shades of pink and teal.
“How about this one?” Gwen asks, holding up a deep red floor length dress. It’s strapless with a slit all the way up the front.
“You’re kidding, right?”
“What?” she asks. “It’s sexy.”
“It’s ridiculous.” I shake my head. She returns with a few more ridiculous gowns, looking like she’s ready to strangle me as I immediately rule them all out. She’s beginning to name other stores we could try when I come across an ice blue dress that I don’t hate. It has a high neckline, but it’s sleeveless and it gathers in layers at the waist before falling in waves to the floor. More importantly, the price and the size are right.
Gwen follows me back to the dressing room. It’s a little tricky getting it over my head, but once I do, it slides down easily. The waist is a bit big, but otherwise, it’s a good fit. I turn to the mirror and examine myself. I’ve never seen myself in a dress like this, and I’m afraid I look ridiculous.
“Come on. Show me,” Gwen calls.
I push open the dressing room curtain and step out. Her eyes widen. She just stares and doesn’t say anything.
“What?” I ask, looking down at the dress. “Is it awful?”
She chuckles at me. “No, you idiot. You look amazing in that. It’s the exact same color as your eyes. It’s perfect, Raielle. You have to get it.”
I glance back at the mirror, unsure and uncomfortable. “You really think it’s okay?”
“I know it is. Lucas is going to take one look at you and go into cardiac arrest.”
I smile. I hope he likes it without actually keeling over. “What’s your dress like?” I ask her.
“I’m wearing something I found in the city over the summer. It’s yellow with all these flowers sewn into the top. I’m so excited to finally have a place to wear this thing.”
I run my fingers over the smooth material of the dress. “So, do you and Tyler talk more now that you’re going to the prom together?”
She shakes her head, seeming disappointed. “No. No more than usual. I think he just wants to be friends.”
“Maybe he’s shy?” I suggest.
She laughs. “I don’t think that’s it. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. High school is almost over. I heard from NYU.”
I whirl around at her. “You did? When?”
She hesitates. “A few days ago.”
Uh-oh. My stomach sinks for her. “You didn’t get in?”
“No, I did! Can you believe it?” She jumps up with excitement. “You stink!” I cry before grabbing and hugging her. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
She steps back from me, looking guilty. “I was hoping you would have heard by now, too. I didn’t want to make you anxious or anything.”
“I wasn’t anxious, but now that you mention it…”
She looks horrified, and I chuckle at her.
“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m happy for you, really.”
“Thanks. I’m sure you’ll get in, too. It just takes a little longer for letters from the west coast to make their way here.”
I nod, playing along. But I’m worried that I haven’t received anything yet.
“Now, you positively have to get that dress,” she says, taking my arm and marching me toward the register. “The prom is going to be a night we’ll remember forever.”
The rest of the week passes quickly. I have a huge test in history, and it seems like I’m the only one taking it seriously since senior year is nearly over. Lucas and Myles continue to sit with us at lunch each day and rather than giving me the death glare, Sophie is mostly ignoring me now.
I don’t tell Lucas about my conversation with Kyle. In fact, Kyle hasn’t brought it up again and just like after the incident with Jarvis, everything seems normal. I almost feel relieved that Kyle knew what he did, about our mother. He thinks he knows something about me, too, but so far, he hasn’t pushed it.
Lucas and I had a great date on Saturday night. He took me to a cute Italian restaurant and then we went to see a movie. He offered to see a chick flick, and he was surprised when I wanted no part of that. We ended up at an action film, and he held my hand the entire time. We made out in his truck for a while before he brought me back home, but it wasn’t like those other times. He’s holding back on me. It’s like he knows how easily things can get out of control between us, and he wants to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I’m wondering if it’s because he knows how inexperienced I am. I’m not ready to have sex with him, but I wouldn’t mind if his control slipped a little.
Alec and Linda came over for the barbecue on Sunday. It was a perfect spring day, and I enjoyed watching Penelope play with her grandfather. They really are a nice normal family, and I’m feeling less uncomfortable around them. Although I did excuse myself early, saying I had to study, which was only partly true. The tiny pang of hurt that forms when I see them all together drowns me in guilt, and I hate that their happiness makes me resent my mother all over again each time I see them.
At school on Monday, everyone is talking about the prom. It’s being held at a restaurant in Ridgeton that also has a function room. I told Lucas about my dress, and he informed that he’s wearing a tuxedo. To my surprise, he’s not renting it. He actually owns one.
On prom day, I have to work, but I don’t mind. It keeps my mind off my nerves. I’m not sure why I’m so nervous. I guess it’s the unknown, having never been to a dance before. It’s also going to be unsettling to see Lucas paired with Sophie. The only crimp in the day occurs when I arrive home to get ready and find the house is empty. This morning, Kyle had talked about Myles coming inside so he could take pictures of us. Chloe offered to do my hair and Penelope couldn’t wait to see me in my princess dress. But now, they’re nowhere to be found.
I shower and wash my hair, deciding to let it dry in natural waves and to wear it down if Chloe doesn’t arrive home in time to coax it into the up-do she mentioned. Then I apply my makeup, nothing too heavy, and slip into the dress. I have a pair of silver sandals, which were my mom’s. I slip those on and go look in the full-length mirror in Kyle and Chloe’s bedroom. I hardly recognize the girl I find standing there. I blink at my reflection and for a moment, I see my mother staring back at me. What would she think if she could see me and my new life here? My excitement dims b
ecause I don’t think she’d be happy about it. She never wanted me to know about my family in Fort Upton.
I turn away from the mirror to check my phone in case Kyle left me a message. Finding nothing, I call Kyle’s cell phone, but it goes straight to voicemail. I hang up without saying anything.
Despite the disinterested act I put on, I was excited at the prospect of being fussed over by everyone tonight. Instead, I retrieve my worn copy of Jane Eyre, and I sit alone in my bedroom, waiting for seven o’clock, the appointed arrival time for Myles.
He’s about fifteen minutes late when I pull open the door and step outside. At first, he just looks at me, saying nothing. Then he appears confused. “I thought we were taking pictures.”
“No one’s home,” I say, and I can’t keep the disappointment from my voice.
“Where are they?” he asks.
“No idea.” I shrug.
“My folks are out, too, or else they could take some. Don’t sweat it. I’m sure there will be plenty of people taking pictures once we’re there. By the way,” he whistles loudly, “you’re a knockout tonight.”
“Thanks. You clean up pretty well yourself.” He does look sharp in a classic black tuxedo with a white shirt and black tie. I smile, already feeling better now that Myles is here. He pulls a blue and white corsage out from behind his back and places it on my wrist. “It’s beautiful,” I tell him as I hold it to my nose and inhale its sweet fragrance.
He has borrowed his mother’s Camry for the night, and he escorts me to it. I have a light jacket with me, but it’s a clear balmy May evening, and I simply hold it.
“What’s your guy up to tonight?” I ask.
“He’s at home. He has an apartment in Albany. We’re meeting up tomorrow.”
“Albany?” I’m surprised. “He’s older?”
“He’s eighteen, but he’s been on his own for a while. His parents pretty much disowned him after he came out to them.”
“That’s awful.”
“That’s life,” he shrugs. Then he grins at me. “I just heard from SUNY Albany. I got in and I got some scholarship money, too.”
“Hey, that’s great.” I am genuinely happy for him, but I feel myself sinking lower in my seat.
“Have you heard anything yet?” he asks the inevitable follow-up question.
“No.”
“You will,” he assures me.
I turn to look out the window. It’s dusk, and the streetlights buzz to life as we head toward Ridgeton.
The restaurant where the prom is being held is called The Chateau. It’s a large white building with a glass front that reveals an oversized chandelier, glittering with yellow lights, suspended over a spiral staircase. Limousines fill the parking lot and students dressed in their formalwear finest are filing inside.
Myles parks the car and turns to me. “Let’s do this.”
A nervous tremor runs through me even as I’m chuckling at his mock seriousness. He appears at my door and holds out his elbow to me. I’m still grinning as I take his arm. While we make our way to the entrance, I scan the students around us, looking for Gwen or Lucas, but there’s no sign of them yet.
Inside, the first thing we see is a photographer taking pictures. “See?” Myles says, grinning at me. We get our photos taken, and then we head into the function room. The lighting is dim with smaller chandeliers hanging over round tables packed together on one side of the room. The other side is a parquet dance floor already filled with people. On a small stage, there’s a DJ playing songs. Above him, a large banner reads Class of 2013.
“Nice,” Myles says over the music.
I nod. It looks surprisingly close to the proms I’ve seen in the movies. It feels surreal to be here.
“Hey guys!” Gwen runs up to me and pulls me into a hug. Then she tugs on my arm. “We’ve got a table over there. Come put your stuff down.” With no black in sight, Gwen is a vision in pale yellow. Her dress is a full-length baby-doll style, and it looks terrific on her, showing off her slim, willowy figure.
“You look amazing,” I tell her while she drags me behind her. Myles follows as we work our way to a table next to the dance floor. Sitting there, I see Tyler, Lisa, and the guy who must be Lisa’s date is beside her. “No sign of Lucas and Sophie yet,” Gwen informs me. “Come on. Let’s dance.”
I resist at first, but Myles wants to, and he coaxes me out there. I’ve been to enough clubs that I can move and not make a fool of myself, but rhythm is definitely not in my blood. Everyone is acting silly, and it’s amusing to see the guys from school, who usually look like they just rolled out of bed, all dressed up in their tuxes. The girls’ dresses run the gamut from cute to slutty, and there are plenty of the hideous ones I nixed at Macy’s apparent throughout the room. But worst of all is Hailey’s dress. She’s wearing a skintight black lace sleeveless number, and it looks like her bouncing breasts are in danger of popping out at any moment. Gwen and I definitely stand out in our more modest gowns. As I watch Gwen grinning at Tyler and dancing around without an ounce of self-consciousness, I feel grateful that she befriended me, and I decide that I should really tell her that someday.
I spot April standing across the room with a dark-haired boy I don’t recognize. Myles sees her, too, and I notice that he keeps covertly watching them.
We dance to a few more songs before heading back to the table. The dining area is filling up, and I notice that waiters are starting to bring food around. I scan the room again.
Myles sees my wandering eyes. “I’ll text him and find out where he is.”
I pick at my salad and listen with half an ear while everyone chats around me. Myles shows me his phone and shrugs. Lucas hasn’t responded. I don’t even attempt to eat the chicken that’s set down in front me. I haven’t heard from Lucas since his usual good morning text, but I figured he was probably busy. And now he’s late, really late. Something is wrong. I can feel it. I rub the back of my neck, trying to ease the prickling feeling. By the time dessert is being served, my eyes are pinned on the door and my phone is in my hand.
The principal stands and says a few words about being proud of the class. Then she points to a table where we’re supposed to place our votes for prom queen and king. The music picks up again and everyone but Myles and I head back to the dance floor. Gwen tries to pull me up with her, but I shake my head. Once she’s gone, I notice April heading for our table. She carelessly bumps into a couple of chairs in her path. Myles stands when she reaches us.
She begins to cry as she points a finger at me. “She’s the reason you wanted to see other people, isn’t she?” April is slurring her words.
Myles looks stricken as he takes her in. “Have you been drinking?” he asks, reaching a hand out to steady her. But she jerks herself away and stumbles in her heels. “Everyone told me to watch out when she moved in next door to you, but I didn’t listen. I trusted you!” She’s yelling now, drawing everyone’s attention. “You’re an asshole, Myles. I hate you!”
With that, Myles grabs her arm and drags her toward the exit with half the room watching them and the other half glowering at me. I sink lower in my seat wondering why I wanted to come to the prom in the first place.
Gwen leaves the dance floor and walks toward me with a sympathetic expression. Then her eyes wander toward the door. “There he is,” she says.
I look over and spot him immediately. I vaguely register that he’s dressed in his tuxedo and that Sophie, Kellie, and Jake are all with him. But I zero in on his thinned lips and tight jaw. He’s upset, and it’s written all over his face. I watch as Sophie glares at him and then huffs away. Kellie follows closely behind her. Next Jake says something to Lucas, but soon he walks away, too. Standing alone in the doorway now, Lucas surveys the room.
“What are you waiting for?” Gwen says, nudging me.
I stand and slowly make my way toward him. I hesitate briefly when he clocks me, and his eyes lock on mine. They travel slowly from my face down the length of my bo
dy. Then one side of his mouth hitches up. I would be thrilled at the appreciation I see in his expression if I didn’t also notice the anxiety that mixes with it.
“Hi,” I say hesitantly once I reach him.
His hand reaches to me and I take it into mine. “You’re so beautiful it hurts,” he says. His voice is low and solemn, and despite the noise in the room, its rich timber vibrates through me.
I feel myself blush at the compliment as he leans in and kisses me on the forehead. “What’s wrong?” I ask.
He lets out a deep breath and takes his hand back, plunging it deep into the pockets of his trousers. “There’s stuff going on at home. I don’t think I’ll be able to stay long. I’m sorry.”
Stuff? That means absolutely nothing, and I’m disappointed that he doesn’t want to tell me. “Is there anything I can do?” I ask, hoping he’ll reveal a little more, but he just shakes his head.
When the DJ begins to play a slow song, a small smile appears on his face. “Actually, there is something. You could dance with me.” He holds out his hand again.
I take it, watching as his long fingers surround mine. He leads me to a space on the crowded dance floor, and I listen to the song that’s playing. It’s “Beneath Your Beautiful.”
In my heels, we’re nearly eye to eye tonight. I feel his arm come around my lower back. Then he shifts our hands, holding them between us, as we begin to slowly sway. My whole body relaxes in his arms as though it knows this is where I’m meant to be. Our connection is even more meaningful tonight because I can sense the sadness inside him. But for a brief moment, I made him smile, and I can be here for him now, just holding him, if that’s what he needs.
We move together to the music, not saying anything, just being close to each other. As I’m listening to the lyrics, my heart squeezes. This song could be about us. I shift our hands so they’re over Lucas’s heart, and I close my eyes as its strong rhythm beats beneath my fingers. We may be surrounded by a room full of people, but right now, no one else exists for me. He turns his face into my neck, and his warm breath fans over the sensitive skin below my ear. I sigh with contentment wishing we could freeze this moment and stay like this forever. The way he’s holding me and breathing me in, I sense that he wishes the same thing. It kills me to feel him hurting this way. I want to take all his pain away. I know I’ll always want to make anything that hurts him disappear. As the song winds down, our swaying stills, but we don’t break apart.