by Anne Carol
“Beth…” His voice was thick.
“What happened after I left yesterday, brown eyes? What’s going on with you?”
He repositioned himself so I could lay my head on his chest, and I made sure to be careful around his hurt arm. “Somebody in group chatted about how the last time he’d come home from rehab, he felt like a burden to his wife. He wasn’t the man he’d been before. Everything changed, and she had a hard time.” He kissed my hair. “It had me in shambles.”
“So you started worrying about us? About how we’d get through everything?”
“I’m just afraid of how things will change between us. It’s not going to be easy, angel.”
“I know. I’ve been doing a lot of praying, and I hope you are, too.”
“I am, but I should be doing more. Beth, I’m falling apart. I wonder if I can do this.”
“You can, I know you can.”
He was quiet for a moment, and then, out of the corner of my eye, I couldn’t miss his smile. “Can I tell you what motivates me?”
“What?”
“Making a baby with you.” He placed his hand on my stomach. “I want to fill you with my love and watch our child grow inside you.” His voice caught on the word “child.” Seeing David sentimental stirred my own emotions, but I didn’t know how to react. A part of me wanted to admit I felt the same way, but reality held me back. We couldn’t try for a baby until David was healthy inside and out. Frankly, we both needed to be emotionally healthy.
“Let’s get you well first.” My eyes stung with tears.
We held each other for a while, content in each other’s arms.
“How about a walk?” he asked, scooting to a sitting position. “It’s getting late, and I know you have to get back soon.”
“A walk would be nice.”
We both put on our shoes, I helped him back into his arm sling, and then he held out his other hand. “Come on, love.”
“Ouch!” I cried, uncurling Ricky’s chunky fingers from their grasp around my hair. “You’ve got quite a grip, little man.” Before my coffee cup went flying, I swiftly pushed it away from the edge of the table.
“Ricky!” Susie hurried over, set down a plate of cookies, and scooped him off my lap. “You know better than to pull Auntie Beth’s hair.”
When he only giggled and blew a raspberry at her, I had to stifle my own laughter.
“Oh, you think you’re so funny, don’t you?” Susie playfully told her son. She sighed, setting him on his feet. He ran off to pick up a toy train. “Life with an almost two-year-old. See what you have to look forward to?”
I smiled, though my stomach clenched. If not for my miscarriage, I’d have a two-year-old myself. But instead of bringing up my loss, I kept quiet as I watched Ricky push his train around the living room. Even though my heart still ached for my baby, I found joy in watching the little guy play.
“So what happened to David? Did he have some sort of breakdown?” Susie took a seat and grabbed a cookie.
“He’s fine. He’d just had a bad day. I told him he needs to use the program to work this stuff out, though. That’s why he’s there, after all. As tempting as it is, I can’t go running to him every time he has a weak moment.” I grimaced and shook my head. “We both have things to work through.”
Susie reached out and patted my arm. “You’ll get there. At least you’re both getting help. I mean, you guys have been through way more than most people your age. Most couples would be divorced by now, but you two…you’re like…two souls that became one.”
Two souls becoming one. I like that. My mouth curved into a smile. “Well, isn’t that what marriage is about? Becoming one?”
“Yeah, but not everybody treats it that way. It’s too easy to give up and move on to the next person. Divorce is getting too common these days. I know Rick and I came together rather…unconventionally, but I believe we can make it.”
“Hmm…it’s nice to hear that. You weren’t so sure a few days ago.” I took a sip of coffee. “I take it things are better?”
The glow on her face answered my question. “Much better. I am so looking forward to our night away in Sutter Creek. Thank you for making it possible, Beth.”
“My pleasure.” Seeing her dreamy expression filled me with a sense of calm. With all the emotions I was experiencing, doing something kind for Susie was good for my soul.
A letter from David awaited my arrival that afternoon. I sat down with a cup of tea and opened the envelope, immediately getting caught up in the musky scent of his cologne. His way of making sure I didn’t forget him, I guessed.
The one page letter gave me a brief rundown of events and concluded with a few lyrics which hinted at how our separation affected him. The words were so touching I had to read them more than once; they were like a delicate pastry I couldn’t push away. Reading the words, “starting to feel like my old self again” was a huge comfort for me. Watching the man you love become someone you didn’t recognize was the worst kind of nightmare. Now I just wanted him back so we could start talking about adding to our family.
We still had some healing to do before we could start trying, though. My therapist was pretty clear on that. My healing was a process, to be sure, but I finally felt like I was moving forward. Going back to church was a major part of that because it gave me a bigger perspective on life. Church services had been a fixture of my childhood. I hadn’t always embraced the Sunday morning ritual, but now I was starting to appreciate my faith more than ever. During these helpless times, it was the only thing that gave me peace.
I prayed for David constantly, and next time I visited, I knew my prayers were being answered. He was approaching his final week in the program, and I noticed his eyes were brighter and the dark circles had vanished. When I commented on his improved appearance, he said he was getting eight hours of sleep every night—unheard of for a rock star.
When I kissed him upon our greeting, his stubble tickled my cheek, and I ran my fingers through his hair, which now went past his collar.
“I know, I need my hair trimmed, and I should have shaved for you.” He took my hand and led me to his room.
I raised my eyebrows at him flirtatiously. “Actually, leave it. It’s sexy.”
“Well, then, I’ll keep it.”
Unfortunately, as alluring as he was, we weren’t able to have private time on this visit. My main purpose in being there was to meet with his personal counselor and review post-rehab procedures. During the meeting, I learned all about David’s treatment, including what tools he needed to help him overcome his addictions. The volume of information gave me a healthy respect for my husband. What he went through was not easy, and it was a long road to recovery. Even if he seemed well now, there’d inevitably be setbacks, and I needed to know how to support him during those times. Being a copious note-taker, I left the meeting armed with pages of tips to help us survive the journey ahead.
As we said our goodbyes, I was excited, knowing it was the last time I would leave the rehab center without him.
The following Friday, after waking up to clear and sunny skies, I put on my favorite blue summer dress and set off for Hillside Rehabilitation Center. While I was careful to drive within the speed limits, the moment I parked my car, I sprinted up to the center’s entrance. David was in the reception area, chatting with a middle-aged man. It took a moment before he turned my way, and when he did, the air sizzled with electricity. He quickly excused himself and bounded towards me, picking me up and swinging me in a circle.
“Whoa!” I bubbled, my adrenaline soaring. “What are you doing? What about your arm?”
He put me down and held out his bare wrist. My hand flew to my chest. “David! When did the cast come off?”
“A few days ago.” His smile dazzled me.
Examining his arm, I asked, “How does it feel?”
“Well enough to take a crack at my guitar later.”
I dropped his arm and cocked my head at him. “Reall
y? Is that all you plan on doing later? I see where I rate.”
Before I knew it, his lips were on mine, kissing me urgently, yet with a touch of restraint. I could always tell when he was holding back, and right now it was obvious he had a lot more to give me once we were alone. His kiss ended all too quickly and he backed away, assuring, “You come first, I promise.”
Our drive home was a test of patience. All I wanted was to be in his arms, to show him how proud I was of him. The glow he possessed was contagious. Thank you, God. A delicious roast dinner was planned for that night, but the only thing I craved was alone time with David. We needed the chance to get reacquainted, and not just physically. I was eager to discuss our next steps and share our hopes and dreams.
Mom and Dad were both home to warmly greet David with hugs. I wasn’t the only person who was proud of him. My parents hadn’t said one negative remark about my husband. In fact, they’d prayed for him every day over the past month. He was like their own son. That meant so much to me.
“Grandma Claire sends her love,” Mom said after hugging David. “She really wants to see you two before you head back to London.”
I squeezed David’s hand as I glanced at him. “Yeah, I’ve visited her at the retirement home a few times. She adores you. Even listens to your music.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Really?”
“Yep. She’s got to be the coolest resident there.” I grinned.
Mom pointed to David’s bags and guitar case. “Why don’t you put your things away, and then we can have lunch.”
As he hauled his stuff to our room, I told my mom, “I’m so glad to have him back.”
Mom nodded and winked. “Dad and I will do some errands this afternoon so you two can have some time alone.”
I blushed. “Thanks, Mom.”
When David appeared, he rubbed his stomach. “Wow, I think I’m ready to eat. Those sarnies look fantastic.” He pointed to the tray of sandwiches my mom had set out.
My smile rivaled the bright lights of the Vegas Strip. I went up to him and kissed his cheek. “My David is back.”
Later that afternoon, we took our time loving each other. I’d almost forgotten what his skin felt like next to mine. All other concerns were set aside as our bodies and souls melted into one, experiencing pleasure that took us into the heavens.
Two souls, becoming one…
“I love waking up to this vision,” I breathed.
“What? Me in my knickers, or me playing guitar?” David asked, grinning. He was perched on my old desk chair, picking out a tune on his prized Ibanez acoustic guitar.
“Both, of course.” I sat up and leaned against the pillow.
His dancing eyes pierced me with a stare. “I love it when you watch me.”
“Good, because I’m never going to stop.” I beamed. “So what are you working on?”
“I was actually working on that song suggestion you gave me yesterday.”
“’Two souls becoming one?’”
“Yes. The title actually works well with a few lyrics I wrote last week. You must have read my mind.” He smiled.
“It happens sometimes. Do you think it’s a Vinyl Fog song?” I questioned. Vinyl Fog’s style was more alternative rock, so love songs didn’t always fit into the mix.
Tapping his pencil on the notepad, he said, “Hmm… might be something I stash away for a solo project.”
I perked up. “A solo project?”
“Yes. It’s a dream of mine someday.”
Shoving the covers back, I bounced out of bed and over to my husband. I kissed his cheek. “A solo project would be a fun venture.”
“Yeah, I have enough material for one album, at least.”
“Wow, I can’t wait to hear more.”
David had barely started playing again when a tap sounded on the door.
“Beth, are you up yet?” Mom called.
“Yeah, we’re awake.”
“Susie’s on the phone. She sounds upset.”
“Oh no,” I whispered, and then called out, “Be right there.” Throwing my robe on, I hustled into the kitchen and picked up the receiver. “Susie? What’s wrong?”
“Oh, Beth, I don’t know what to do,” she said in a shaky voice. “My mom woke up with one of her migraines, so my dad doesn’t think they can take Ricky tonight.”
My body slumped against the counter. Susie and Rick were booked at the Sutter Creek Bed and Breakfast that night.“What about Rick’s parents?”
“On a cruise.” She sounded exasperated. “Beth, I know it’s a lot to ask—”
“You want me to watch him?” I asked, twirling my hair around my finger.
“Can you? I mean, you don’t have to. I know David’s back now. Maybe your mom—?”
“Susie, it’s fine. I can take care of Ricky for one night. Plus, he’s comfortable with me. I’d hate to see you cancel.”
She exhaled. “Beth, you are the best friend a girl could have!”
“Flattery will get you far, Susie,” I sassed. “What time do you need me?”
“Can you get here around three? That’ll give me time to go over stuff with you before Rick gets home. He’s leaving work early.”
“Sure thing.”
“Thanks so much. See you later!”
I hadn’t even hung up the phone before my space was filled by a warm body. Arms snaked around my waist from behind, tugging me in. “What’s the news?”
“Hmm…well…” I did a one-eighty and draped my arms around his neck. “You’re a good sport, right?”
He cocked his eyebrow. “Yes?” he said, drawing out the word as if he knew something was up.
I fluffed up his crazy bed hair and kissed his nose. “You look so sexy in those pajama bottoms and Vinyl Fog T-shirt.”
“Just get on with it, Beth,” he urged, pinching my waist.
“Okay!” I giggled and jerked away from him. “Just don’t tickle me.” While I fixed coffee for me and tea for David, I explained about Susie’s predicament. When I handed him his tea, I didn’t see any hint of disappointment, so I continued, “You’re good with me going, then? You can just stay here and relax. I’m sure you don’t want to deal with a toddler all night.”
“I’ll go,” he said without pause. I widened my eyes and he shrugged. “You’ll need help.”
“I won’t argue with you on that. He’s a busy kid. And a little more mobile than Emma.”
“Then it’s a date.” His smile was without pretense. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he looked forward to caring for a two-year-old all night. God, I love him so much. Thank you. He brushed my hair off my shoulders and leaned in to kiss me, just as his stomach began rumbling.
I rubbed his stomach. “Peckish, are we?”
“You two must be starving,” my mom interrupted from her spot on the sofa.
“Yeah, I could eat,” David confirmed.
“Me, too. Hey, we should grab a picnic brunch and go to the park,” I suggested.
“Sure, got any Marmite?” David asked, and I couldn’t help but laugh. He was in luck, I’d found a jar of Marmite in the international food section at the grocery store earlier that month and decided to stock up. While I couldn’t say the sticky, salty, yeasty food paste was a staple of mine (yet), I’d grown to like it over the three years I’d lived with David.
I made us a few sandwiches, and my mom helped me load up a picnic basket with some other goodies. After a quick shower, David and I got dressed and headed out to the local park. The temperature was comfortable, especially with the light breeze. Garden Valley was typically hot and dry in July, but thankfully the temperatures had stayed mild this week. My Englishman probably would have been baking, otherwise. We set our picnic blanket under a shady tree and dove into our meal. David made “mmm” sounds as he enjoyed his Marmite sandwich, a bit too dramatically if you asked me.
“Good?” I asked, grinning.
“Quite.”
I studied him as he ate and ate and ate. �
��You’ve got a nice appetite, babe. Did you eat well at the center?” His noticeable weight loss bothered me.
He reached over and stroked my cheek. “I’ll eat better now I’m home with you. Don’t worry, love.”
While we ate, we watched a group of boys play catch nearby. I guessed a few were brothers, as an older boy reprimanded a younger one. My mind wandered as I thought about the prospect of having sons. Heaven knew I’d been around male band members enough to understand men. Yet a part of me yearned for a little girl, someone with big brown eyes like David’s. And I knew he’d make a good “girl” dad. Beth, give it a rest! I’d been having these thoughts all too often recently.
After we finished lunch and tossed the trash, I stretched out on my back and closed my eyes. Just as I was relaxing into the blanket, David inched up my shirt and kissed my belly button, making me jump. “That tickles! What’re you doing, goofy?”
He softly placed his palm over my stomach and said, “Our baby will be in here soon.” His eyes bore into my soul. ”I hope.”
I sighed. “Six months.”
His face darkened. “That long, huh?”
“David, don’t rush this. Caring for a child is a huge responsibility, as you’ll learn tonight. Besides, with your band commitments, time will fly by. Let’s enjoy each other for a while.”
Kissing me sweetly on my belly again, he relented, “Fine.” Then, remaining focused on my lower half, he began addressing it like it was a separate person. “You’d better enjoy your solitude while you can.”
I threw my head back and laughed. “You are strange.”
“But you love me.” He gazed at me, wearing a heart-stopping grin.
“Very much,” I whispered. Unable to resist his charm, I pulled him close and claimed his lips, not caring if anyone watched us.
“I’m sorry for the mess. I tried to straighten up.” Susie sighed, surveying the small living room full of toys, laundry, and books. She touched her dark hair, which was still up in curlers. “As you can see, I’m running a little behind.”
“Don’t worry about it. Just go finish getting ready,” I said, itching to help her straighten up. “Where’s the little monster?”