by Anne Carol
Nothing except Don. He told me before I went to Garden Valley, I needed to dry up and get my head on straight. After arguing until my throat was dry, I finally gave up. I finished packing my things, but instead of heading to Garden Valley, I ended up here. Again.
And now I have to somehow tell my wife what a loser I am.
Dear Beth,
There’s no easy way to say this. You may already know I’ve left the tour. Perhaps you don’t care anymore, but I want you to know I’m back at Hillside Rehabilitation Center. Yes, I’m within shouting distance of you, which both comforts and pains me.
You’d like my roommate. He’s a Christian and a big U2 fan. He’s been playing one of their older tapes, the one with “40” on it. It’s brilliant. So brilliant I wish I’d written it. But of course, as James pointed out, it’s actually straight out of the Bible: Psalm 40:
“I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him…”
I could go on, but I know you have your Bible, so just read it. I may pen my own song based on those verses.
Guess what? In addition to seeing my therapist and going to group meetings, I’ve been meeting with a local pastor who does visitations. I’m starting to realize I need the strength that comes from beyond me, you, or Christine. Or cigarettes or booze or drugs, for that matter.
And now, the hard part: as much as I miss you, I need to ask you to give me space over the next four weeks as I deal with my mess of a life. Please, no visits or phone calls. Write me as much as you’d like (please do), but the moment I hear your voice, I’ll come running. Seriously.
I love you, my angel. I ache to mend things with you and to hold you and our little girl in my arms. If all goes well, I’ll be with you by Christmas.
David, your “brown eyes”
I thought maybe David would show up in Garden Valley for Thanksgiving after he’d abruptly left the tour, but he never showed, and my fears overtook me. After I yelled at him on the phone, I was afraid I’d lost him forever. But then his letter arrived. I tore it open and skimmed the half-page.
He was back in rehab. Oh, Lord, no. Help him, please. I had to sit down and re-read it slowly. No mention of what had brought him back to rehab. Drinking, drugs, or both? Whatever it was, I was relieved he was getting help, even more so that he was meeting with a pastor, but knowing he’d slipped back into dangerous habits killed me. Maybe this explained his strange behavior and relationship with that woman. My mood deflated. He’d been doing so well. Yet when we’d met with the therapist the first time, he’d warned that triggers could set David back. What could have triggered his relapse?
Whatever it was, all I wanted in that moment was to put my arms around David and tell him everything was going to be all right. Unfortunately, the final paragraph was insistent: no contact except by mail. Why was he doing this to me? As if it wasn’t bad enough we’d been apart for almost four weeks and parted on a sour note. Why would he want to keep his distance? Was he really that weak?
“What are you reading?” Mom asked, stumbling into the kitchen with bags of groceries. I hurried over to help her.
“It’s a letter from David.”
“Really? Where is he?”
“Back at rehab.”
“Oh, no.”
I gave her the gist of the letter, but in the middle of my explanation, little noises from the baby swing grabbed my attention. I set down the cereal box and went to check on Christine, who was just waking up from her nap. She sucked on her fingers, and as soon as she saw me, starting whining.
“Okay, okay.” I stopped the swing and unbuckled her. “I know you’re hungry.” Sitting down to nurse, I continued, “Where was I? Oh, so he didn’t say what happened specifically, how he got back into drinking or whatever. Not sure what to think.”
“I wouldn’t dwell on the details, Beth. They’ll come. For now, just be glad he knew to go back there. He wants to be better, don’t you see that?”
“Yeah, and I’m relieved nothing serious happened, but that doesn’t mean I’m not concerned. And I miss him so much. It’s killing me knowing he’s so close but out of reach.”
“Sounds like he has his reasons, Beth. I gather he misses you a lot if he’s feeling that weak. Just pray for him and allow him the space to conquer these demons. Addiction is no joke.”
“I know. I hate it.”
“David hates it, too. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have gone back to rehab.” Mom smiled warmly, watching Christine peacefully nurse. “Just remember we’re here for you. Susie’s just a phone call away. And Grandma’s coming to visit in a few days. She’s feeling much better and so anxious to meet Christine.”
“Yeah, I was sad she had to miss Thanksgiving.” Grandma had been ill the week of the holiday, but Mom was planning to bring her here for a visit.
I couldn’t wait for Christine to meet her great-grandma. As for me, visiting with Grandma would take my mind off my pity party, and she could even give me words of wisdom. She was always good to talk to about troubles of the world. Life experience gave her an edge over anyone else, and she knew how to put me straight.
That night I poured my heart out onto the pages of my journal. Once I’d sorted out all the inner turmoil, I got out my stationary and wrote to David. It felt like old times, writing to David at the desk I’d used in high school. Only this time, I had our baby sleeping a few doors down as I wrote.
Draft #1:
Dear David,
I’m both happy and sad to hear that you’re back in rehab. Sad that you started drinking again, but glad you were strong enough to know you needed help.
I want to know more about that woman who was in your hotel room…who was she to you?
No, no, no! Beth!
Draft #2:
Dear David,
I’m upset that you started drinking again but glad you knew you needed help.
Nope! Wow, I cannot write.
Draft #3:
Dear David,
Thank you for being strong enough to go back to rehab. I’m sorry things were hard after I left, and perhaps my anger didn’t help. I miss you so much, and so does Christine. She’s doing well, and she’ll get to meet her Great-grandma Claire in a few days!
Though it’s hard, I understand why you don’t want contact by phone or in person. If I visited you, I don’t think I could leave without you. And if I spoke to you over the phone, I’d only want to see your face that much more. Just get better and know I’m praying for you.
I’m glad your roommate has great taste in music. Keep reading those Psalms, and throw in a few Proverbs and New Testament books as well. You’re on the right track, brown eyes, and I know you’ll be fine.
I love you more than words can express. Please let me know if you need anything.
Your angel,
Beth
Before I folded it, I tucked in five new photos of Christine and placed a dab of my perfume on the paper so he could have reminders of his girls with him.
That night, I slept a little better, knowing David was in God’s hands. I had to believe this was where he needed to be, even though the separation was unbearable.
The day of Grandma’s visit, I put Christine in the new dress she’d ordered from a catalog. The soft purple frock was a nice contrast to my girl’s dark hair. I added a lavender headband to finish off her frilly look. Playing dress up with Christine was one of the joys of parenting, and I was thankful she didn’t fuss about it, at least for now.
“You are so pretty!” I exclaimed after I positioned the headband perfectly. My camera was within reach, so I grabbed it and stuck my tongue out at Christi
ne. When she giggled, I snapped a picture. “Another picture to send to Daddy!”
I waited on the porch for Mom to arrive with Grandma, who had given up driving a few years back. The smell of fall was in the air, and the large tree in front seemed to glow in various tints of yellow, orange, and red. For November, it was a mild day—cool, but sunny; nothing like London.
“You’re about to meet your Great-grandma Claire, so I want you to be a good girl for her.” I couldn’t help pinching Christine’s rosy cheek. She looked so much healthier than she’d been when we left L.A. David surely couldn’t argue I’d done the right thing bringing her here.
“Oh my, is this is my little girl?” Grandma’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
When I looked up, Mom was helping Grandma out of the car. “Grandma!” Her face lit up with a huge smile as she came hobbling over with her cane. I carefully gave her a one-armed hug, but she was quick to let go.
“Let’s get inside so I can hold this wee one. I’m going to eat her up!”
“I don’t doubt it, Grandma. It’s so good to see you. It’s been forever.”
“Yes, it has been,” she agreed as the four of us headed inside the house.
It didn’t take long for Grandma to take Christine in her lap, and the baby focused her big brown eyes on her. She tried to grab Grandma’s glasses, and then she fiddled with her necklace. I guess this was her way of getting to know her great-grandmother.
“I’m going to tell you a story,” Grandma said, sounding like a nursery school teacher.
“Oh, I want to listen,” I said from my seat beside Grandma.
“There was once a young girl named Beth who traveled to London with her mommy and daddy. She spent the whole summer there. While she was in London, she met a dashing young man named David…”
I rolled my eyes as Grandma continued the story of how David and I met and fell in love. Christine listened intently, peering up at Grandma with wide eyes. With my baby preoccupied, I thought I’d go help Mom prepare coffee and set out snacks. We shared a laugh over Grandma’s fascination with Christine.
“It’s going to be hard taking the baby away from here,” I said sadly.
“Oh, I don’t want to think about that. Let’s just enjoy the holidays and be grateful we’re all together.”
“All except David.”
Mom patted my shoulder. “He won’t be gone forever. He’ll be here when he’s ready.”
“I know. I just miss him.” I picked up the tray of coffee and carried it to the living room.
While we ate brownies and sipped coffee, we watched Christine play with her toy keys and board books. She was starting to sit up on her own, though I still had her perched against a stack of pillows. I was afraid she’d topple over. It had already happened a few times, and it made her cry. Christine was destined to be an ambitious child, I could already tell. I was watching her with eyes of a proud mother when my grandma spoke up, “Your mom told me about David.”
“Yep, back in rehab. He had a rough time after we left the tour.”
“That man loves you so much. He just needs to learn how to balance the two great loves in his life: family and music. It can’t be easy for him.”
“He was pretty upset that I left the tour to come here. But doesn’t he understand I had to do it for the baby? He can be so selfish.”
“Beth, you need to give him a little grace. I’m sure it sounded that way, but I believe it’s because he couldn’t stand the idea of being separated. Men hate it when they can’t control a situation. Grandpa always felt bad when I was stuck at home with sick babies while he had to stay late, teaching and grading tests and papers. But he was the provider for our family, so he had no choice. Just like David.”
Why was Grandma always so on point when it came to matters of the heart? I gave her a weak smile. “You’re right. The situation wasn’t ideal for either of us. Sick babies are a part of life, I know that now. I guess in our season of life, we need to have a plan for how to handle this when it comes up again.”
“Are you on good terms now?”
“Yeah, I just sent him a letter. I mean, there are a few things I’d like to clear up, but we’ll deal with that when he’s here. He just needs to get well.”
“It’ll work out, honey. All marriages have challenges.”
“I can’t imagine you and Grandpa fighting. You always seemed so happy together.”
She chuckled. “Oh yes, we had our share of disagreements. There was even one time I was ready to ship him back to England I was so mad at him.”
“Really? That’s pretty bad.”
“Nobody has a perfect marriage, but I honestly believe you and David have something special. You’re both wonderful people, with a good faith and strong support of family and friends. I know you’ll make it.”
She set down her empty coffee mug. “Now hand me that baby,” she said. “I need some cuddles.”
“Sure thing.” I hugged her on my way to pick up Christine. “Thanks for the talk, Grandma.”
I was still on a high from Grandma’s visit when Aiden called the next day. Did he really think I’d want to “join the gang” at dinner again? Just hearing his voice made me shudder. Instead of letting him have it, I held back and gave him a polite, “No, thanks.” I prayed he got the hint that from now on, our relationship would be strictly professional. He was still a good doctor, after all, but the man had no clue about proper boundaries.
When Susie called, however, I jumped at the chance to hang out. She said Ricky had been asking about Christine, so my daughter and I joined them for a playdate. He nearly tackled us when we walked in to the condo. Susie snorted, tousling Ricky’s hair. “He’s smitten, and who could blame him? She’s adorable in that red dress.” She reached out her hands. “Come here, princess.”
I handed her off to Aunt Susie. “I’m sure the dress will be covered in drool in no time. But Mom and Grandma got her so many dresses, she has to wear a new one every day.”
“Oh, yes. Grandmas like to spoil, don’t they?” she said to Christine in a sugar-coated voice.
Ricky tugged on Susie’s pant legs. “Mommy, can I play with the baby?”
“Yes, but be gentle, okay?” We went into her living room, where she positioned Christine against a bank of pillows. “Funny how he ignores his brother, but he’s all over Christine whenever she’s around.” She smirked at me.
“I think it’s sweet,” I said, watching Ricky show Christine his car collection.
Just then, Rick came in from the back, carrying baby Ted. He approached me, giving gave me a one-armed hug. “Hey, Beth. How are you?”
I groaned. “I’ve been better.”
“Sorry about David. Must be rough.” He looked at me with sympathetic eyes. I was still getting over how much Rick had changed since our high school years. It was nice to call him a friend, after everything we’d been through. The old Rick would have been gloating, but this new version genuinely cared.
“It is, but at least he’s in a good place, getting help.”
“How does this affect his status in the band?”
I shrugged. “Good question. He didn’t mention it when he wrote.”
Susie spoke up. “I imagine his health was more important to him than his loyalty to the band.”
“Yes, thankfully.”
“Mommy, she’s pwetty,” Ricky interrupted, patting Christine on the head. My little girl was now chewing on a matchbox car.
Susie bent down and took the car out of her hand. “Ricky, don’t let the baby put things in her mouth. She could choke. Just like with brother.”
“Aww, I need to get a picture of those two,” I said, my heart filling with joy to see my best friend’s little boy gushing over my daughter. “He is so good with her.”
“You’ve come to the right place.” Susie chuckled as she grabbed a camera off the table. “I’m telling you, he’s got a crush on her. Maybe it’s a good thing David isn’t here?”
I laug
hed. “He would be watching your boy like a hawk. He’s so protective of her.” Thinking of him in his role of a doting father suddenly made me sad. My eyes grew misty, knowing how much he’d already missed of her developments.
Susie rubbed my arm. “Oh, Beth, I know it’s hard that David is away, but I have to admit I am so glad I have you and Christine here for another month.” She put her arm around me. “We’re going to enjoy this season—shop, bake cookies, take our kids to see Santa, watch Christmas movies…got it? No crying allowed.” She waved her finger at me.
I quickly wiped an errant tear away and nodded. “You’re right. It’s going to be fun spending the Christmas season together. I miss you so much when I’m not here.”
“What about me?” Rick spoke up, from his position on the floor where he was sitting with the kids. “I’m not getting any love.”
Susie and I both laughed. “Still needy, just like the guy I remember,” I quipped, winking at Rick.
Over the next several weeks, Susie and I spent practically all of our free time together, doing everything she’d mentioned that evening. For the first time, I was grateful I took this break in my hometown. It had been years since I spent this kind of time with Susie, and with my lifestyle, who knew when I’d have this chance again?
I continued writing David, giving him updates on Christine and sending him Polaroids. I even sent the one with Ricky kissing Christine’s forehead. His letters back were brief and infrequent, but I was happy for any news from him.
Then one day a package arrived. Curious, I tore it open to find a cassette tape inside. A note attached said, “I’ve been working on a few songs as part of my therapy. Have a listen and play the tape for my little girl.”