by Trina M. Lee
The hum of the refrigerator was ridiculously loud in the sudden quiet. I was both subdued and angered by his words, a strange combination that made me want to both hug him and claw his eyes out.
I tried to choose my words carefully, finding it extremely difficult. “Kale wants to go. He sees it as an opportunity for us to get some distance. I know he’s right, but that doesn’t make what you did any easier to accept, Arys. You don’t get to make my decisions. I won’t stand for it. This is the last time. If you do this again… I’m done. With everything.”
Saying such things to him was like tearing my heart out with my own hands and crushing it to a bloody pulp. It never should have come to this. Again I thought of Lilah and how she and her twin flame Salem had failed to maintain the stronghold of their bond. They’d fallen victim to the conflict and the forces seeking to separate them. I didn’t want that for Arys and me, but I wouldn’t live in a cage designed by our bond.
With a shaky sigh, I continued, “Don’t you see what’s happening to us? We’re going to end up just like Lilah and Salem, completely destroyed by our bond instead of united. Nothing terrifies me more than the thought of that happening to us.”
Arys paced into the living room where he took a moment to absorb everything I’d said. The atmosphere was heavy with despair. “But why him, Alexa? Why go to him? He’s a fucking lunatic, and all he’s done is teach you how to be one too.” Arys’s eyes flashed with hatred, and he clenched a fist as if imagining what he’d like to do to Kale.
“That’s why he’s leaving,” I snapped. “He knows that we bring out the worst in each other. But that first morning when I ran to the graveyard and waited for sunrise to free me from this hell, he was the one who made me believe I could handle it. He was the one who saved me that day. So you’d better find it in you to accept that, without him, I wouldn’t be standing here right now.”
Making a frustrated noise, I sat down at the table and put my head in my hands. When had everything gotten so complicated?
After a few minutes Arys approached me. He dropped to his knees before me and pulled my hands away so he could look at my face. Arys never wasted words. So instead of trying to console me with empty promises or false comforts, he simply pulled me into his arms.
The stubborn side of me wanted to resist, but every part of me that was his crumbled in relief. I sank down to the floor beside him, letting him pull me in against his chest. Silent tears ran down my cheeks. Every time I thought I had it all figured out, I was forced to realize how very wrong I was.
Arys never said a word. He just held me. Something inside me that had been broken felt renewed. But it was like a shattered vase glued back together, fixed but not whole. These jagged tears might always be with us.
“I thought I would wait forever for you,” Arys said after much time had passed. “That hasn’t changed. I will do anything for you. I’m sorry that it also means doing things I shouldn’t.”
I shook my head and choked on a sob but said nothing. I couldn’t. The words wouldn’t come, probably best that they didn’t. So I squeezed my eyes shut tight and held on to him, wishing that it was enough.
When I didn’t speak, he pressed on, seeking to say everything before he lost the chance. “Alexa, you need to let me guide you through this. I can help you. Shaz can help you. If you would just let us in, we can help you through this transition without losing what’s left of your sanity. I don’t want you to turn out like me. You’re too good for that.”
I pulled back to look at him through blurry, bloody eyes. “Shaz? Do you know how hard it is to look at him and not see him as a toy that I want to play with? I can’t feed from him, Arys. Not anymore.”
“Of course I know how hard it is. I’ve looked at you both the same way for the last year, but I have control, and you will too. But you have to start mastering it now, or you never will.” He stroked a hand through my hair, twisting it around his finger like he so often did. “You can’t keep shutting Shaz out. It’s confusing and unfair to him. He loves you.”
I searched his deep-blue eyes, wondering at what point he’d gone from merely tolerating Shaz to liking him. It wasn’t a bad thing, though it was confusing. “Shaz won’t find the happiness he deserves with me, and you know it,” I said. “He should be with someone who can give him what he needs. Someone who still has a mortal heartbeat.”
Arys cocked his head and gave me a stubborn, thin-lipped smile. “Why don’t you let him make that decision for himself? Isn’t that the same thing you’re asking for?”
Spending several lifetimes with Arys was going to get old fast if he didn’t stop being right at some point. I wanted to frown but found myself smiling just a little.
“What’s with you two anyway?” I asked, giving him a playful punch in the shoulder. “When did you guys go from throwing punches and snark to a full on bromance?”
“Bromance?” Arys scoffed. “Trust me. I took a few punches over the last week when I wouldn’t let Shaz go and drag you out of Sinclair’s house. But something did change for us this week. For once we were on the same side, both hurting in the same way for the same woman. It did something to us, something good I think. I guess we’ll see.”
A warmth filled me. It genuinely moved me to hear that they were bonding. It meant that no matter what happened to me, I could count on them to take care of each other. A heavy sense of relief accompanied that knowledge.
I touched Arys’s face, and he leaned into it, kissing my hand. There had been a time when he’d been cast in the role of the bad guy. Both Kylarai and Shaz had disliked and mistrusted him. That hadn’t been fair. Arys was far from perfect, but he was a good man underneath it all. I was starting to feel like I didn’t deserve to be part of someone so steadfast and strong.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you.” It was all I could muster before tears threatened again. Cursed emotions. “I’m starting to think it’s always going to be this way. Endless conflict until it finally destroys us. I’d hoped that would change after we stopped Shya. But I feel now like it only made things worse.”
Arys cupped my face in his hands and kissed me. Then against my lips he whispered, “We are not Lilah and Salem. Conflict may be part of our union, but it will not destroy us. It can only do that if we let it. And I’m not going down that way. Ok?”
I nodded as more tears spilled from my eyes. Arys brushed them away, doing little more than smearing blood across my face, but the gesture was heartfelt.
“I hate myself,” I blurted, the confession refusing to be withheld. “For the things I’ve done. The things I’ll do. I don’t know who I am anymore, but right now, I hate myself.”
Arys winced as if I’d wounded him. Guilt shone in his eyes. “I want to be sorry that I made you this way, but I’m not. Because you’re here and not dead, and I can’t be sorry that you’re not dead.”
“Arys, this isn’t your fault. The things I’ve done, that’s all me.”
“It’s not though. It’s the light and dark battle going on inside you. It’s tormenting you, and part of that is my fault.” Guilt didn’t seem natural on Arys. It wasn’t right. I’d humanized him in our time together. We’d changed each other for both good and bad. Such a double-edged sword.
The sun was going to rise soon. I glanced toward the living room window both welcoming and dreading it. As good as it felt to be in Arys’s arms, I really did need some time completely alone.
Following my gaze Arys said, “I should go. I want to ask you to reconsider turning yourself in to the FPA, but I know you’re not going to. But know this: if Briggs doesn’t get you out, I’m coming in after you.”
My initial reaction was to protest, to remind him of what that building had done to him. His eyes flashed with venom for Briggs, and I knew he wouldn’t be dissuaded. So instead I just nodded, accepting that we couldn’t always control each other and shouldn’t even try.
“Ok,” I said with a small smile.
“Ok?” He echoed. “That was easy
. Too easy. Now I’m suspicious.”
We shared a laugh, and after the hell we’d both been through, it felt so damn good. He rose and pulled me up with him. We stood in the kitchen, clinging to each other until the coming dawn drove us apart.
I followed him down the hall to the entryway with so many questions and comments that there was no time to voice. So I settled for another longing embrace that left me more confused than ever.
“Can I see you after sunset?” Arys looked so hopeful. It wasn’t like him to let his vulnerable side show.
“What about Jenner? It’s his last night here. Maybe you should be with him.”
Arys snickered. “So I can beat his ass for biting you tonight? Good idea.”
I couldn’t get anything past this vampire. I’d hate to meet the person who could outsmart Arys Knight. I doubted such a being existed.
“You can’t really blame him, Arys. We did that to him. Besides, I was the one in control of that situation. It was just a bite. I rejected his further advances.” I conveniently left out the part where I made Jenner swear no harm would come to Kale.
“I love the guy, really, but I’ll be relieved when he’s gone. He’s high maintenance.” Arys laughed and opened the door. The sky was beginning to lighten, shades of black that thinned with the approach of the sun.
He kissed me, a tender brush of lips that stirred my longing for him. Maybe one day we could love each other again without the ghosts of our many mistakes haunting us.
No sooner had I closed the door than the sound of my cell phone came from the kitchen. I sprinted down the hall to grab it, expecting it to be Jez or Briggs. It was Kale. Fuck.
“Please don’t be mad,” I said instead of the standard greeting. “I had to come home.”
A sigh in my ear was his initial response. “I’m not mad. I’m disappointed that every time something happens that you don’t want to deal with, you run. You ran to me, and now you’re running from me.”
I stood in the kitchen in front of the glass patio doors, watching the sky lighten. With the phone pressed to my ear, I nodded to myself, acknowledging the truth in his words. “You’re right. It feels like things are changing too fast, and I’d like to stick my head in the sand and pretend none of it is happening, but I can’t. I don’t want you to go to Vegas even though I know it will be good for both of us.” I squinted against the coming dawn. How long would I be able to stand there in the window before it grew bright enough to roast me?
“I’m not leaving without seeing you,” he said. “You have to give me that much.”
“Jenner has a flight booked. Two nights.”
“I know. I spoke with him a while ago.”
My heart sank. It was really happening. He was leaving. How many people in my life would I end up driving away? He wasn’t even the first.
Kale was quiet for a moment. There was no background noise, indicating he was at home rather than spending the day at The Wicked Kiss. It shouldn’t have mattered, but it did.
“Truth be told,” he said, “the more I think about it, the more I’m looking forward to Las Vegas. Jenner and I discussed the issues there. I feel like it will give me something positive to work toward. Keep me busy, you know?”
Las Vegas had many problems, including a vampire blood ring that had been trafficking humans, all kinds of humans, even kids. Arys and I had done what we could to throw a wrench into all that, but it was something that couldn’t be dealt with in just a few days. We’d left Jenner in charge of taking over the blood ring and making changes, such as supplying humans that deserved it, evil doers contributing nothing to society. Jenner had been reluctant, but with Kale along for the ride, I was confident they could achieve good things for Sin City.
“You’ll be good for that city, Kale. I’m sure of it. Our loss will be their gain.” I moved through the house, ensuring the blinds were closed and drapes were drawn.
He chuckled, a self-deprecating laugh. “I sure hope so. It’s not like I’ve done much of value here.”
We both fell silent. I returned to the living room feeling restless and scatterbrained. “I’m taking Jez on a hunt tomorrow. Want to come along and watch our backs? For old times sake?”
“You know I do.”
Perhaps it wasn’t the best plan to bring Kale along. We used to make a great team, and this could be our last big hurrah. And I was certain that, if I didn’t need it, then Jez surely did.
After we hung up I called Jez to make arrangements for her to join me while I scouted out the address Brinley had given me. If I didn’t do something good soon, the dark was going to swallow me whole. The light in me might never resurface again.
Because curiosity often coaxed me to do things I knew I shouldn’t do, I crept over to the living room window and peeled back the drapes to allow one small shard of light to peek through. Standing carefully in the shadows, I reached out to touch that beam with a hand.
The pain was immediate, scorching, like scalding water poured on flesh. It burned like a fire had been lit beneath my skin. My hand turned red and blistered before bursting into flames.
I jerked it back out of the light and ran to the sink to rinse it in cool water. That had been stupid, but part of me had needed some kind of confirmation that I would never again be able to walk in the sun.
What hurt the most wasn’t the burn that had already begun to heal. It was the ugliness of reality: the harsh truth that my darkness had grown and the certainty that it wouldn’t stop until it had devoured me whole.
Chapter Fifteen
I didn’t sleep. After cleaning the expired food out of the fridge and doing some light tidying around the house, I tried to sleep. I took a shower and got into bed. Then I lay there and stared at the ceiling.
Sleep eluded me. This was no great puzzle. I wanted to avoid the dreams, avoid waking, screaming and alone. Misery grabbed hold of me, and I lay there feeling like shit. The emotional turmoil took me into places of absolute ridiculousness that left me feeling annoyed with myself.
The last time I’d been in my bed, Arys and Shaz had been with me. They could be now too. Only my insistence kept them away. And the man I was missing was going to leave me in less than forty-eight hours.
I didn’t deserve any of them, but I wanted all of them, each in a different way. Arys made me strong even as he made me weak. He was my rock. Shaz kept me grounded, reminding me of who I was underneath all of the power and chaos. He was my anchor. Kale was the one who shared my pain, my need for solace in all the wrong places. He was my kryptonite.
There had been a time when I thought it was wrong to love more than one man. Maybe it was. Now I just didn’t care. And yet, I wished I could have them all just as badly as I wished I could set them all free and walk alone. It wasn’t going to go down either way. It wasn’t meant to.
Finally I accepted that staring at the ceiling was a shitty way to spend the day. I went back downstairs to the living room and watched horrible daytime TV while surfing the net. It was mind numbing, boring. By sunset, I was going nuts.
When the last of the sun’s glow had started to fade, I ventured over to the blinds and peeked out at the backyard. I felt a tightening in my gut as my wolf tensed, begging for release. The forest beyond the yard called to me. I could feel it in my bones. Deeper even. In my soul.
Fear turned me away. No werewolf had ever become a vampire and managed to retain their wolf. Kale was just one example of that. Thanks to a dear friend with some witchy know-how, I still had mine. But the fear kept me from shifting. I was terrified that it wouldn’t work or that perhaps I would be stuck in wolf form, unable to turn back.
Resisting the shift for too long could be dangerous, both to myself and to Arys, who had no way to calm the echo of my wolf prowling around inside him. Too much time had passed already. I couldn’t put it off much longer.
I ignored the cry of my wolf even though it physically hurt me to do so. Busying myself with mundane things like a shower and makeup, I turned my th
oughts toward the evening ahead. I was going to check out the address Brinley had given me.
The bloodlust grew with each passing minute. Without Kale there, I felt lost. I didn’t want to keep killing, even though I loved it so damn much when caught up in the moment. I’d been a hunter of monsters. Now I was what I’d spent so many years hunting.
“How am I supposed to go on like this?” I whispered to my reflection, receiving no answer. The mirror was beginning to feel like an enemy.
Like the past few nights, I did my best to make myself look the way I felt. Like someone else. Something else. The heavy black liner around my eyes and a bright red lipstick was more Jez’s style than mine. It wasn’t enough. I could still see myself there, lost behind those dark-blue eyes.
I turned away from the mirror with disgust. The bloodlust crept up my insides, starting as a twinge that soon became a pang. If I didn’t deal with this while I still had a shred of control, I was going to do something horrible.
Dressed in jeans and a Walking Dead t-shirt with Daryl’s wings on the back, I gathered my dagger, jacket, and shoulder bag and headed for the door. My house felt big and empty. I didn’t want to be there anymore.
Because I didn’t know where else to go to appease the blood hunger, I went to The Wicked Kiss. Losing it and killing someone in my own club was not what I wanted, but it was the only place where, if it happened, it could be easily contained from the general public and the FPA.
I was only mildly surprised to find Arys waiting for me. He knew me too well. I hadn’t planned to see him again so soon. The emotions were too overwhelming and made a mess of my head. I had planned to avoid as much emotional upheaval as I could until after I’d dealt with the FPA.
The roiling vampire essence rooted in my core recognized him before I spied his car in the parking lot. No Kale though. I had to remind myself that was a good thing.