by Kristi Gold
She shivered in spite of the heat and craved what they’d once had. She longed for the past and, sadly, her husband. She couldn’t have any of it, at least not unless things changed. That didn’t keep her from wanting it back, wanting Matt… .
“Is this a private party or can anyone join in?”
Practically startled out of her skin, Rachel’s eyes shot open at the sound of the deep drawl. She could barely make out his features now set in shadows, but she didn’t have to see the owner of the voice to identify him.
She immediately sat forward and hugged her knees to cover her bare breasts. “What are you doing here, Matthew Boyd? And how did you get through the gate?”
“I know the code.”
Of course he did. “I can’t believe I didn’t hear your truck.”
He leaned a shoulder against the wall and hooked his thumbs in his pockets. “I parked at the end of the drive and walked up here. When I was on my way home from the pond, I thought, I wonder what Rachel’s doing now. I just bet she’s in the hot tub, taking it easy.”
What a load of bull. “Oh, sure. You think you know me so well.”
“That I do, sweetheart.” He crouched down and swirled a finger around the water, slowly, purposefully coming only inches from her bare thigh. “I probably know you better than you know yourself. I definitely know your body better than anyone.”
The movement of his hand, although innocent enough, generated some fairly warm sensations that ran from her forehead to her toes, pooling in unseen places. At the moment, she could boil the water with her body temperature alone. And if she didn’t insist he go away now, she could make a major error in judgment. “Would you please get back in your truck and leave me alone?” Heavy emphasis on alone.
“Am I making you nervous?”
Definitely. “No. You’re making me mad because you can’t take a hint.”
“I just want to talk for a while.”
For weeks she’d tried to get him to talk, to open up about their shared tragedy. If by chance he’d finally decided to honor her request, she shouldn’t pass up the opportunity. “The whole reason I’m in this tub has to do with stress relief. I don’t want to ruin that by covering the same ground with you and getting nowhere. However, if you’re willing to finally have an honest discussion about our marital problems, I’m willing to listen.”
“I didn’t come here to get into that tonight, but I do have a couple of questions.”
Rachel’s patience began to wane. “Questions about what? The weather? The stock market? Whether Foy Lowry’s prize hog is going to win this year at the county fair?”
“Whatever floats your boat, babe.”
So much for thinking he might actually want to have a serious dialogue. “I have no intention of getting out of this tub to talk about nothing with you.”
“I didn’t ask you to get out of the tub. In fact, I’d be glad to get in there with you. I could use a little stress relief, too.”
Oh, no, no, no… “Don’t you dare.”
He released a rough sigh. “What are you afraid of? That I’m going to see you in your bikini?”
That might be a problem, were she wearing one. “No, I’m not worried about that. I just don’t feel it’s a good idea for us to be in such close proximity.”
He straightened and hovered above her. “Fine. You stay there and I’ll stay out here. But I want to see you while I’m talking to you.”
Before Rachel could issue a protest, Matt strode to the panel and flipped the switch that turned on the underwater lights. When he returned to the tub, she automatically tensed and hugged her knees closer to her torso. “Do you mind?”
He didn’t even try to conceal his blatant perusal of her body. “I don’t mind at all. You look pretty damn good, all wet and naked. But I imagine your daddy wouldn’t approve of you skinny-dipping on his sacred property.”
As usual, he never missed an opportunity to throw her father’s rules in her face. “It’s none of his business what I do.”
“Then I guess we better not tell him, huh?”
Rachel had several things she’d like to tell her husband, but he rendered her speechless when he pulled up a deck chair and sat without an invitation. “What part of ‘I want to be alone’ do you not understand, Matt?”
He stretched his long legs out in front of him, boots crossed at the ankles, hands laced atop his abdomen. “I’ll leave you alone as soon as I get what I came for. If you won’t let me come in there, and you won’t come out here, I figure we can just continue our conversation right here.”
Clearly he had no intention of leaving, at least not anytime soon. “Fine. You have five minutes to say what’s on your mind.”
“First question.”
Rachel was already dreading that question. “Go ahead, but make it quick.”
His expression turned solemn. “Do you regret that I’m the only man you’ve ever been with?”
She hadn’t expected that. Truth was, she’d never even thought about another man. “No, I don’t regret that you’re the only man I’ve slept with. Do you regret that I’m the only woman… Oh, wait. I’m not the only woman. I almost forgot about that buckle bunny you met during that summer you and Chase ran all over the state, team roping.”
“You mean that summer you broke up with me, per your daddy’s orders?”
He had her there. “You still couldn’t wait to sow your wild oats when the first pair of tight jeans and exposed cleavage presented itself.”
“And when I came clean about that, you didn’t hesitate to take me back.”
Another point scored in his favor. “I was young and stupid back then.”
He leaned forward, arms draped loosely on his knees. “Young, yeah, but not stupid. You knew we were meant to be together. We still are.”
Uncomfortable over the course of the conversation and her waterlogged state, she felt the time had come to end the soak and the exchange. She could ask Matt to toss her the towel, or she could just exit the tub and get it herself. She could request he turn his back, or she could just go for it. Going for it worked. After all, they had well over a decade of naked between them.
As soon as she rose from the tub, he sized her up with pale blue eyes that looked translucent in the soft glow reflecting off the water. She knew all too well the slow, sensuous grin that followed. Those attributes had proved to be her downfall on more than one occasion.
She didn’t want to experience that same old desire for him, yet it crept along her flesh like a firebrand, leaving a blanket of goose bumps in its wake.
If she knew what was good for her, she’d head for the safety of the house as fast as her wet feet would allow. Instead, a primal force took over, a sense of power. She grabbed the towel and slowly began to dry herself, starting with her legs and working her way up. She didn’t have to look at Matt to know he was still watching her, maybe even wanting her. She confirmed that when she took a quick glance to find him shifting in the chair before she lowered her gaze to his fly.
Yes, he definitely wanted her, but he couldn’t have her. Not tonight.
After she cocooned herself in the towel and tucked the edges between her breasts, she faced Matt to discover he’d come to his feet. “I’m going inside now,” she said in a voice that sounded grainy and unsure.
He took a few guarded steps toward her. “You know what you just reminded me of? That morning last spring, when I’d been out most of the night tending to the Fielders’ gelding. I came home and sat down at the breakfast table, and then you did that little striptease, shocking the hell out of me. Best I recall, we had one wild ride right there on the ceramic tile floor.”
A flash of heat slapped Rachel in the face when she thought about her lack of inhibition. She was almost positive she’d become pregnant that very morning. “I’d prefer to forget about that, thank you very much.”
As Matt took another few steps, she immediately backed up against the brick wall. “Are you blushing because you’r
e embarrassed, sweetheart?” he asked. “Or because you’re remembering how good we are together?”
A little of both. “A lot has changed since then.”
“Not everything.” He moved closer, leaving only a scant few inches between them. “You’re still sexy as hell. And we can still be good together. I’ll be glad to prove it.”
She was so, so tempted to take him up on his offer, until reality took hold. “Sleeping together isn’t going to solve our problems.”
“But it might make us forget them for a while.” He braced a hand above her head and pushed a wayward strand of hair behind her ear with the other. “Besides, who said anything about sleeping? I’m not tired. Are you?”
She was tired of fighting and almost ready to give up and give in. But she had to stay strong or suffer the consequences of her actions. “Again, I’m going inside. Alone. Have a nice night.”
Rachel ducked under Matt’s arm and opened the French doors, only to have him follow her inside. When she turned to protest, he reeled her in for a kiss. A sultry, suggestive kiss. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d kissed this way, deep and provocative. Couldn’t remember the last time they’d been this close. She did recall all those nights over the past few months when she’d needed him this badly, but anger and resentment had prevented her from acting on that need.
That anger still existed and should be enough to stop her now, yet her resistance began to dissolve when Matt rimmed a fingertip beneath the edge of the towel, immediately above the knot. He didn’t release it but Rachel sensed he wanted to. He was simply waiting for her permission. If she told him to stop, he would. If she demanded he go away, leave her be, he’d back off. Her husband might be determined and stubborn to a fault, but he’d never force her to do anything she didn’t want to do. Unfortunately, she wanted the intimacy. She needed the intimacy, right or wrong. Wise or not.
And in one defining moment, when feeling something other than angry and sad and resentful mattered more than wisdom, she released the towel. It fell to the floor, leaving her completely exposed, both physically and emotionally.
From that point, everything happened quickly. They headed toward the bedroom adjacent to the living area on a rush of desperate kisses. Matt guided her to the mattress’s edge, and while she watched, he yanked his T-shirt over his head and tossed it onto the floor. Then he fumbled with his fly and shoved his jeans and underwear down without even bothering to take off his boots. Somewhere in the back of her mind she thought she should say they shouldn’t be doing this, but she was already too far gone.
Matt nudged her back onto the bed and eased inside her with more restraint than she’d expected. But the sheer intensity in his blue eyes that he kept trained on hers, the tight set of his jaw showed his struggle for control. Normally he would take his time coaxing a climax from her, but Rachel didn’t need any fancy foreplay. Just the feel of his damp skin against her palms, the powerful movement of his body, coupled with a few descriptive, sexy words he whispered in her ear, proved to be more than enough.
Matt had always prided himself on making it last, but like her, he couldn’t hold out any longer. The spontaneous and ill-advised lovemaking had driven them both over the edge in record time. And with one more thrust, he collapsed against her.
Their ragged breathing echoed in the silent room as Rachel’s heart began to slow and awareness settled in. She’d forgotten how good he felt in her arms. Truthfully, she hadn’t let herself remember. But now it all came back to her, all the things she’d come to appreciate over the years. The way he’d always held her in the aftermath, making her feel secure and cherished. Loved. Yet in light of their recent troubles, she could no longer rely on that love alone.
If a person really loved his wife, he wouldn’t bury himself in work to avoid her. He wouldn’t exchange coming home to her for frequenting seedy bars on the outskirts of town. He wouldn’t ignore her grief because he refused to deal with his own.
And as the moments ticked away, and once again she mourned what used to be, what might never be again, Rachel did the only thing she could possibly do at the moment. She cried.
* * *
MATT WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED if they’d felt the explosion in the next county.
Maybe he hadn’t lost his touch after all. Here he was, with his wife in his arms following some mind-blowing sex. Maybe now they could get back on track, and she’d come back home where she belonged.
Then he felt the dampness against his shoulder, heard a soft sob and realized he’d jumped on the optimism train way too soon. The euphoria he’d felt only seconds ago disappeared as quickly as it had come.
He raised his head and found Rachel with her eyes tightly closed, tears streaming down her cheeks. Tears he’d seen quite a bit over the past few months, some he’d been responsible for. No matter what he’d said or done to try to make it better, he’d failed. Tonight was no exception.
He brushed a kiss across her forehead. “What’s wrong, Rachel?”
She released a broken sigh. “I don’t understand how this can be so right between us when everything else is so wrong.”
He should’ve figured she’d see it that way. Should’ve known that his plan to woo her back into his life had fallen flat.
Matt rolled over and draped his forearm over his eyes, blocking the light they hadn’t bothered to turn off. Hell, he hadn’t even bothered to take off his boots or his jeans. Hadn’t bothered to…
The thought stopped him cold. Asking the next question could throw fuel on the conflict fire, but he had to know. “Are you on the Pill?”
“No. I haven’t had any need for birth control.”
Damn. Exactly what he’d feared. “How much of a risk did we just take?”
When he felt the mattress bend, he opened his eyes to see Rachel seated on the edge of the bed, putting on a robe. “You mean could I get pregnant?”
“Yeah. Is it possible?”
She stood, faced him and cinched the sash tightly around her waist. “Now, wouldn’t that just thrill you, Matthew?”
He couldn’t ignore her sarcastic tone or cynical look. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“You know exactly what it means,” she said. “You’ve never wanted any kids.”
He worked his jeans back into place and came to his feet. “I never said that.” Even if he had thought it at one time.
She crossed the room and took a seat on the frilly blue floral chair in the corner. “Maybe you never said you didn’t want a child in so many words, but your excuses have sent the message, loud and clear. First we couldn’t have a baby until after you finished vet school. Then it was establishing the practice and building the new clinic and finally the house. After that, you ran out of excuses—”
“And you got pregnant anyway.”
“Not by your choice. Sometimes I wonder if you’re relieved that you don’t have to worry about being a father anymore.”
Her accusation hit him with the force of a left hook. If she only knew what he’d been through when she’d given birth to their son, she wouldn’t be so quick to judge. But if he revealed the truth, provided any details, she’d hate him for the decision he’d made. “Nice to know you have such a damn low opinion of me. I never wanted anything to happen to the baby, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“Caleb,” she said, her frame as stiff as a two-by-four. “His name is Caleb.”
She didn’t have to remind him of that. He’d chosen the name from her list of prospects. He wanted to move past this topic before he made a few confessions that would serve no purpose now. “What happened to us was unthinkable, but we have to move on. Otherwise we’ll never get over it.”
She leveled her dark eyes on him. “Maybe you can get over it, but I never will. I carried him in my belly for seven months. I felt him kick. He was a part of me. A part of us.”
They’d covered this territory before, and each time the rift between them got a little bit wider. He’d rather focus o
n the step they’d taken only minutes ago. A step in the right direction. “Look, Rachel, I know we’ve got a lot more ground to cover, and if you’ll let me stay, we can talk about this again in the morning when we’ve both had a good night’s sleep.”
She rose from the chair, looking every bit the regal princess her father had insisted she was. “You’re right. I’m too tired to continue this. But you can’t stay the night.”
She could be pretty pigheaded at times—not that he’d let that deter him. “I’m your husband, dammit, and if what we did a little while ago doesn’t prove there’s still something between us, something worth fighting for, then I don’t know what does.”
“It was sex, Matthew. Sex alone does not a good marriage make.”
He released a sarcastic laugh. “I thought we were making love. But then again, maybe you don’t love me anymore.”
Her gaze momentarily faltered before she brought it back to him. “As they say, love isn’t always enough.”
“I don’t care what anyone says. We belong together.” Hell, he sounded almost desperate. Probably because he was. “What can I do to convince you of that?”
“You could start by agreeing to marriage counseling or at the very least go with me to the grief-support group on Monday nights in Trimble Oaks.”
That was asking too much. “I’m not like you, Rachel. I can’t spill my guts to anyone who’s willing to listen. You knew that when you married me. How I handle my emotions is my business and no one else’s.”
She sighed. “I realize everyone grieves differently, but you don’t seem to be dealing with your grief at all, and that includes grieving for your mother. Talking about your feelings is the only way you’ll ever come to terms with loss.”