by Tracy Bloom
“Clothes for me and the baby and stuff for clearing up mess in general. Nappies, wipes, cotton wool, sanitary towels, bra pads, you know, that sort of thing.”
“Why do you insist on making this as difficult as possible for me? Such items should never be spoken of within my earshot. Mess is just so unsettling.”
Katy stopped at the bottom of the stairs and turned to face Daniel. “You are about to witness me giving birth. The messiest, most disgusting process you could ever be part of. If you don’t think you are man enough, let’s halt this pretence now and you can go back to bed whilst I face the most important and most difficult moment of my life all alone.” She stopped and her face screwed up in pain. “Aaaaaaaaaah. Christ another contraction. Aaaaaah, just get me into this damn taxi. Aaaaaaaaaah, and then go.”
Daniel and the taxi driver stared helplessly as she writhed in pain, grasping the stair rail as if her life depended on it.
“You lad, in that taxi now,” said the taxi driver gruffly when Katy’s contraction appeared to be calming down. “Come on, get a move on. If you’re man enough to do the necessary to make a baby, then you sure as hell are man enough to be there when it arrives. You young lads think you can run around like rampant rabbits and never have to face the consequences. Well today is consequence day so stop your moaning and get in.”
Daniel stared open-mouthed at the taxi driver then looked at Katy.
“You heard him, get in,” she said through clenched teeth.
Daniel reluctantly got into the cab followed by a panting Katy. He slammed shut the partition window between the driver and the passenger cabin.
“Good god, how can he not recognise that I am most definitely not one of those losers who go out every weekend, gets smashed and then shags anything that moves.”
“Sounds like you to me,” replied Katy, the puffing slowing down slightly.
“Love you too.”
“Likewise. Thanks for getting in the cab,” she said, leaning back slowly.
“The fact that he’s bigger and uglier than me had nothing to do with my decision.”
“Hasn’t he called you yet then?” asked Katy as Daniel got his phone out of his pocket.
“Who? No-one. What sorry?” he bumbled as he quickly stuffed it back in his pocket.
“The Strip-O-Gram? You keep checking your phone,” persisted Katy.
Right on cue the phone made four loud beeps from Daniel’s pocket.
“What’s he said?” asked Katy.
WILL BE AT LEEDS STATION AT 8.30AM. BIG KISS BRAINDEAD read Daniel. He allowed himself a small sigh of relief.
“Er, he says he has to leave the flat and get to work. We’ll catch up later.”
Katy screwed up her face thinking that another contraction was coming but it appeared to be a false alarm.
“He has a job at this time in the morning?” she asked in an attempt to distract herself.
“Oh yes, very common you know with shift workers and farmers apparently.”
“Farmers?”
“Yeah, that’s right. Big demand for cow Strip-O-Grams whilst they’re milking you know. Really switches them on apparently. So anyway, how far off do you think you are now from the actual birth thing? Just so I know.”
“Who knows?” she said wearily, leaning over to rest her head on his shoulder. “They’ll tell me how far dilated I am, which should be an indication.”
“But it will still be a little while yet though? Like at least an hour?” said Daniel starting to feel anxious.
“Probably.”
“Good, good. Why don’t we talk about something else? Might relax you, slow you down a bit.”
“Tell me about this cow Strip-O-Gram. Is it for the cows or the farmer?” asked Katy sleepily.
“Well the farmer of course,” said Daniel rolling his eyes.
“Do they do it to music?”
“Katy, I have no idea, it’s just one of those weird new things OK. Why don’t we talk about something else?”
“Fine, you start.”
“So Katy. Who do you think I should call first after the baby has arrived?”
“Oh Daniel, I don’t know. I’m trying not to think about how I’ve screwed this whole thing up, and how my life is a mess, and then you go and say something like that and… my God here comes another contraction. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God… Danieeeeellll.”
“OK, OK, just be calm,” said Daniel, stroking her hand vigorously. “Let’s go back to Strip-O-Grams OK. Let’s just think what the most appropriate song would be for a stripping cow. Can you think about that? Can you focus on thinking up the all time, top five, cow stripping songs?”
Katy nodded, unable to speak.
“Right I want at least two before this contraction ends.”
7.45am
“I am telling you, I’ll be the other woman was a hit in the seventies for an American band called the Soul Children. My mother used to play it all the time,” Daniel argued as they approached the reception desk at the labour ward.
“You are making it up and in any case, I’ll be the udder woman sounds too disgusting to be in the top five,” replied Katy.
“Too disgusting. Are you serious? Says the woman who has just left a trail of something I do not want to encounter ever again dripping out of her trouser leg all the way down the corridor.”
“For the last time I’m in labour. It happens. Deal with it,” said Katy, falling heavily into a chair next to the desk.
“You must be Daniel,” said the woman on reception.
“And you must be the ever-charming Audrey who has made my life hell for the last few hours by having a door policy harsher than Heaven.”
“Well God spots the sinners and I spot the over-hyped birthing partners,” said Audrey.
“God? What has God got to do with it?”
“You said it’s easier to get into Heaven.”
“I think she thinks you mean the holy Heaven. Not London nightclub Heaven,” interrupted Katy.
“I see. I forgot there was another Heaven. Look Audrey. Get us the best room in the house and we’ll call it a truce shall we.”
“Name,” barked Audrey.
“Daniel Laker.”
“Not yours, hers,” said Audrey without looking up.
“Katy Chapman,” said Katy. “Is the birthing pool room free? I’ll try anything at this point and I promise to keep him under control.”
“Follow Nurse Brady here and she’ll check for you. Enjoy,” she smiled sweetly at Daniel.
“Birthing pool? What do you mean birthing pool?” Daniel whispered loudly as they trotted after Nurse Brady.
“It’s supposed to be good for pain relief,” replied Katy.
“Looks like you’re in luck,” said Nurse Brady after she had peered round a door. “Come on in.”
Daniel stood in the middle of the large, very well illuminated room and visibly paled.
“What is that? A baby elephant bath? Are we at the zoo?” he exclaimed.
“Daniel, just chill will you. That is hopefully going to stop me screaming blue murder every five minutes.”
“Why? Is it full of tequila?”
“You settle yourselves in,” said Nurse Brady. “I’ll be back in five minutes to do an internal and see how we are getting on.”
“Say why don’t I go grab us some Starbucks whilst you get all the weird stuff over and done with,” said Daniel, already starting to feel a little faint. “A latte will do you the world of good.”
“I don’t think the Starbucks roll-out program has hit hospitals yet Daniel.”
“I can but dream Katy, I can but dream. Dishwater in polystyrene it is then.”
“If you can find me a bacon butty I might let you look away during the gory bits.”
“Promises, promises. Now you keep an eye on that Nurse Brady, she looked a bit fresh to me. No probing for too long tell her.”
“You really know how to make this whole thing special, you know that Daniel?”
>
“Just trying to do my job girl. I’ll be back in ten.”
8.15am
“Why are you here? Is Katy here? Daniel, wake up, wake up now?” said a far away voice.
“What the hell. Where am I? What’s going on?” mumbled Daniel, slowly raising his head from the cafeteria table that he had dozed off on.
“You’re at the hospital and it’s me Matthew. What are you doing here?” asked Matthew.
“Matthew? Matthew? Oh fucking hell, Matthew. No it’s not you is it? I’m still asleep and this is some kind of twisted nightmare.”
“No Daniel. It is me Matthew.”
“Who called you?”
“No-one.”
“So why are you here?”
“Because Alison started to have some pains in the night. Not labour or anything but they want to keep her in on bed rest for a few days just to be sure.”
“I see. So no-one called you,” Daniel asked again.
“No, why would they? Are you awake yet? You’re not making any sense?”
Daniel glanced at his watch.
“Is that the time? Must go,” he said, getting up from his chair.
“No stop, hold on a minute. You’re here with Katy aren’t you? Look just tell me she’s alright, please?”
“She’s fine but I’ve got to go, she’s waiting for me.”
“Oh my God she’s in labour isn’t she?” said a shocked Matthew. “But she’s not due for another two weeks. Where is she? I have to see if she’s alright. Tell me where she is?”
“No. You just stay right here,” said Daniel, suddenly fully awake.
“You don’t understand, I’ve got to see her. I saw her yesterday and I need to explain. I need to sort things out with her.”
“Oh no you don’t. She is going through enough right now without you complicating it yet again. Just drop it OK for everyone’s sake.”
“I can’t just drop it you idiot. It’s Katy and she might be having my baby. How can you tell me to just drop it?”
“Because you’re not going to be the one to be left to pick up the pieces when you screw it all up again. Listen to me. Let it go. It’s what is best for everyone, you know that,” said Daniel.
“If you won’t tell me where she is then I’ll go and find her myself,” Matthew said as he turned and marched towards the door.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” said Daniel, hitting his head on the table. He reached inside his pocket for Katy’s phone and dialled Braindead’s number.
“We’re just coming into Leeds now. The relief crew is on its way,” came a too-cheerful voice.
“Look Braindead we have a potential hostile takeover emerging. The other father has arrived. When you get to the station get in a cab and tell him to drive very, very fast. Have you got that? I’ll be waiting for you at the entrance. You have no time to lose,” said Daniel.
“Right you are. Don’t you worry; no-one is taking our main player. Not without a fight.”
“That’s the spirit. Now just get here as quick as you can.”
Chapter 22
8.40am
“Just hold on a minute, we’re nearly done,” came Katy’s voice from behind a curtain as Matthew entered the room having already interrupted two other labouring women in his quest to find Katy.
“Looks like you won’t have time to go home and get your swimming trunks, I’m eight centimetres already,” said Katy as the nurse threw back the dividing curtain.
“What the… oh God, here it comes again,” said Katy.
“It’s OK love, just breathe easy,” said the nurse, putting the gas mask over her mouth before looking up to see Matthew hovering by the door. She did a double take.
“Who are you? Are you supposed to be here?” she asked looking between Matthew and Katy.
“Yes,” said Matthew quickly. “Yes I am. I’m sort of the father.”
“Sort of?” she enquired.
“Long story,” he said before walking over to stand next to the bed. “Here, hold my hand Katy. It’ll be alright I promise. I’ll stay with her now,” he said to the nurse.
Katy shook her head vigorously form behind the mask and grabbed the nurse’s arm.
“She doesn’t seem too happy about that,” said the nurse. “Perhaps you should step outside until she’s calmed down a bit?”
“But I need to talk to her,” said Matthew.
Katy let out a heart wrenching moan.
“What about? Being a sort of father?” asked the nurse with raised eyebrows.
“Where is he? I’ll kill him,” gasped Katy who had evidently finished her contraction. She started to try and get up.
“You are going nowhere lady. Just sit down,” said the nurse.
“The bastard. I knew I couldn’t trust him. He called you didn’t he, just so he could get out of seeing me give birth. The pathetic little bastard.”
“If you mean Daniel, no he didn’t call. I just happened to see him in the hospital restaurant.”
“In the restaurant? So you just happened to be in there did you? Yeah right. I may be in labour but I’m not stupid you know?”
“No Katy, I did. Alison was admitted last night on bed rest. I’d just gone to get a coffee before going to work.”
“Alison?” asked the nurse.
“My wife,” replied Matthew.
“I see. That sort of father,” said the nurse.
“No, I don’t think you do see. I am not that sort of father at all. I am only a sort of father because; well because she doesn’t know who the father is.”
Katy took a sharp breath and the nurse raised her eyebrows even higher.
“He makes it sound like it’s me who is the bad person but it isn’t. His wife is expecting twins any day and that makes him much worse than me,” Katy bit back.
“So it’s like that,” said the nurse, gently backing away. “Tell you what I am going to do. I am going to leave you for ten minutes to have a little chat about things, then I am going to come back in and you tell me whether he’s staying. Ten minutes and that’s it.”
“We have nothing to say after yesterday,” declared Katy after the door had swung shut behind the nurse. “And in case you hadn’t noticed I am in labour so hardly in any fit state to talk to you again.”
“How does it feel?” asked Matthew.
“Oh yankee doodle dandy. I have Mr. Gay UK as my highly inept birthing partner and I have never known pain like it. How do you think it feels?”
“Well I actually meant how does it feel to know that you are about to see your child?”
“Oh marvellous. Something to really look forward to. As if I’m not on a big enough guilt trip as it is, soon there will be two little eyes peeping at me wanting to know where its daddy is and instead it will have Daniel insisting it is cleaned and dressed in designer baby gear before he even touches it.”
“Katy, it’s going to be OK, I promise you,” said Matthew.
“Just shut up with that rubbish and give me that gas mask. Another one’s coming.”
“Right, right. Here you go, now breathe in, is that better?” asked Matthew, looking around frantically. “Look I have this with me. This might help.” He bent over and pulled a book out of his briefcase entitled Childbirth Without Fear.
“I believe the recommended chapter is this one. Let me find it. Here we go, Factors Predisposing to Low Threshold of Pain Interpretation. Shall I read some to you?”
Katy’s hand flew in the air knocking the book clean out of Matthew’s shaking grasp. She howled again at him from behind the mask.
“Bit late for that perhaps,” he said. “What should I do?” he asked her.
She screamed even louder.
“Oh Katy it is going to be alright, really,” he said, trying to put his arm around her. His hands were clammy and he felt short of breath as nerves took control of his body. He knew he was panicking. Time to calm down and do what he needed to do he decided. “Listen Katy, I was up all last night thinking. I was so upset t
o leave you in that state yesterday. And well you see I have a plan.” Matthew cleared his throat. “So we wait a year,” he said giving Katy a nervous look before continuing. “I think we have to because I can’t leave Alison now. Everyone says that the first year is the worst so I think I owe her that at least. But I will find a way of still seeing you and of course I will help financially. It’ll be tough but…”
Matthew was interrupted by Katy letting out an enormous scream.
“Oh is it coming? Keep breathing Katy; just keep taking that gas in. So anyway as I was saying, it’ll be tough but I reckon I can start doing some private financial consultancy on the side, you wouldn’t believe the demand for it, so that should just about keep our heads above water.”
Katy screamed again. Matthew waited patiently until the noise had abated.
“So this time next year I figure Alison will be just about able to cope and my plan is that I’ll be earning enough to afford a nanny to help her. And of course I will need to see the twins as much as possible so we would need to buy a big house so we can fit everyone in at weekends.”
Another yowl from Katy. By now her eyes were as big as saucers and she was panting heavily.
“So you see we could do it Katy,” he said. “We don’t have to be apart. It won’t be nice for a while admittedly but it’s possible, don’t you see? We could be together. You don’t have to be alone.”
Katy was starting to quieten down as her contraction eased. However she held onto the gas mask for grim death, still breathing in heavily and staring at Matthew.
I am getting this so wrong, thought Matthew. In desperation he tried a change of tack.
“Look Katy it’s you I want. I’ve spent all night thinking about it. I look at my life with Alison and just see a future of, well, bloody hard work to be honest. You’ve seen her. She’s turned into some kind of hyper paranoid, control freak. She is not the woman I married and I can’t cope with it. I just don’t know what to do to make her happy anymore. She doesn’t need me. She’s about to get her kids and that’s all she has ever wanted. And I see you, and I swear, I just want to take you in my arms and take care of you. I know I can make you happy Katy, really I do. And we’d have so much fun I know we would. I can give you what you need if you will just give me the chance.”