by A. D. Ellis
“Man, I don’t know how a control freak like you will ever have a kid. You do know you can’t schedule the baby’s diapers and spit-ups, right?” Zach laughed at his cousin who quickly flipped him the bird with a wry smile before kissing Katie firmly on the mouth.
Kendrick watched them momentarily. He had a feeling those two would be making their relationship more official and starting a family a lot sooner than anyone had ever imagined Decker settling down. But Katie had mellowed Decker so much, and the two of them just fit.
The final game was for one partner to coach their blindfolded partner through changing a baby’s diaper. Once the teams had chosen one partner to be blindfolded, Asher and Aly came in with squirt guns. Smiling slyly, they shushed the other members of the teams.
“On your mark, get set, GO!”
As soon as a person would get a diaper off their baby, Aly or Asher would spray them in the face with the water.
“What the hell is that?” Decker shouted.
“Well, with a real baby, especially boys, it could be pee. You and Sawyer used to pee on your dad and me every chance you got.” Libby smiled as she watched her son struggle to diaper the baby in front of him.
“I definitely got the wrong end of this game.” Zach grumbled as his sister sprayed him with water.
“You used to pee on me with every diaper change. I started putting a cup over you just to make it through without getting soaked.” Nicky smiled as his son tried unsuccessfully to block the water raining down on him.
“Done!” Luke pulled off his blindfold and high-fived Sawyer.
Kendrick ripped off his own blindfold, “How the hell did you do it so fast?” He looked down at his own pathetic attempt to diaper his doll. His face dripped with water, the powder was spilled and getting pasty in the water, and the diaper was most definitely on backwards. Possibly upside down.
“We worked together as a team. Sawyer held my hands and guided them through each step.” Turning, Luke kissed Sawyer. “Good job.”
“So, I’m the one getting ready to have a real live baby in my care, but you two are the ones wiping, cleaning, and powdering butts like old pros. That’s just great.” Kendrick pouted as he looked down again at his own lackluster results. Turning to Jay, he shrugged and smiled. “You know what this means?”
She giggled, “We need to practice? A lot.”
“Nope. It means Sawyer and Luke are the first official babysitters after the grandparents. Grandparents get first dibs because they’ve already successfully raised children without causing serious harm to them. But, Sawyer and Luke are the first on the backup list. At least until Decker and Katie or Zach and Zoey get better at diapers.”
“What about until we get better at diapers?” Jay questioned.
Glancing at their doll, then at the perfectly diapered and dressed doll in front of Sawyer and Luke, Kendrick shrugged. “You guys want to make some extra money? I’ll pay per diaper. Double through the night.”
The group laughed.
“No way, man. You’ll get it. You and Jay will get your own little system worked out.” Sawyer laughed while he drew Luke close to his side.
Kendrick watched the love that shone between those two men. Several months ago he would have envied that love as something he didn’t think possible for himself. But now he knew just how it felt to be in love with your perfect someone.
“Okay, time for gifts. Jay and Kendrick, you guys sit there at the front. We’ll bring the gifts to you.” Zoey walked toward the gifts, and Zach trailed behind her. Kendrick couldn’t help but notice how Zach pulled Zoey close to him, whispering in her ear as they prepared the gifts. Those two had waited such a very long time for their happily ever after. If ever there was a perfect couple it was Zach and Zoey, even though they were far from actually being perfect.
Ooohs and ahhhs sounded around the room as tiny baby clothes were unwrapped. Extreme gratitude filled the room as essentials were unwrapped. Hoots and hollers of laughter rang out when Kendrick opened the Go the F**k to Sleep book along with Butt Paste, Baby Butz and Anti-Monkey Butt.
“Hey, Sawyer, I was thinking you and Luke may want to keep some of the cream for yourselves.” Kendrick winked at his cousin.
Ever calm and unflappable, Sawyer just smirked, “No worries, we bought ourselves a second tube to keep at home just in case.”
The whole group laughed amidst some groans of “Whoa, too much information,” and Kendrick dodged slaps from both Jay and his mother.
“Who is ready for dessert? I brought cake and an assortment of donuts.” Grandma Janie not only baked the best desserts, but she was always bringing goodies from The Cakery.
Pulling Jay to stand up, Kendrick kissed her nose.
“I just have to take a piss. I want cake, and a donut, and whatever else looks good. Plus a big glass of…”
“Milk. I know.” She grinned at him.
When he finished in the bathroom, Kendrick peeked out the door. When he was sure no one was nearby, he closed and locked the door. Cracking open the closet where he knew his parents kept their medications, he began to pilfer through the various bottles. Pulling a basket close to him, cradling it against his chest, he perused the label on each bottle. All OTC pain relievers, nothing he could use.
When the door opened behind him, he jumped like he’d been shot. Bottles and various items flew from the basket, raining to the floor. Immediately he knelt down and began picking up the mess.
“Ooops, sorry. Forgot to tell you the door doesn’t lock anymore. Dad hasn’t fixed it yet.” Audrey looked at the closet to Kendrick and back to the closet with a confused look.
“Shit, you scared me, Mom.” He sheepishly ducked his head, trying his best to look innocent. No, Mom, I wasn’t digging through your medicine cabinet in hopes of stealing your prescriptions.
“Sorry, you were in here such a long time I thought I’d check on you.” Audrey’s eyes held true concern as she brushed a hand over his face. “Are you feeling okay?”
“What? Oh yeah, Mom, I’m fine. I mean, my neck and shoulder still hurt like a bitch, but I’m surviving.” He stood again, the basket of medication clutched to his chest.
Audrey looked at him pointedly. “Were you looking for something in particular or just snooping for the hell of it?” She smiled wryly.
Kendrick stared at her, trying to come up with a plausible answer.
He glanced down at the basket, inwardly sighing with regret that there were no prescriptions in it. “Oh, um, yeah. I’ve got a nasty hangnail. Just looking for the nail clippers.” He rattled the basket, “Not in here.” Chuckling he returned the basket to the closet.
“You weren’t even close to finding them.” Audrey smiled. “Here, Dad still keeps them in the sink drawer like he always has.” She pulled the clippers out, handing them to him.
“Ah, should have known. They were so close the whole time.” Kendrick faked a laugh, pretending to inspect a hangnail before going through the motions of clipping it off.
Putting the clippers back in the drawer, Kendrick ushered his mother out of the bathroom. “Let’s go eat, Janie makes the best donuts in the world.”
Audrey smiled at him, wrapping her arm around his waist. “That she does.”
She looked up at him. “Are you happy, Kendrick?”
Taken by surprise, Kendrick stopped short.
He thought about the question. If he pushed aside the pain, pushed aside the overwhelming worry of how and when he’d get more pills to dull the pain, and pushed aside the stress of keeping up the façade in front of his family…if he ignored all of that and focused just on Jay and the baby and his job and his family, yes he was happy.
Smiling softly at his mom, he nodded his head, “Yeah, Mom, I’m happy.”
Audrey’s smile held relief, “That’s all I can ask for. I love you, Kendrick.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
**********
“That sauna was the best addition to the gym area ever.” K
endrick clapped Decker on the back.
Decker smirked. “Glad you like it. Does it help with the pain?”
“Yeah, man, it really does.” The sauna helps, but the pills ain’t half bad either. Kendrick snorted in laughter at his thoughts.
Decker raised an eyebrow at him.
Feeling like a high school kid trying to hide his buzz, Kendrick tried to smother his laughter.
“You okay, man?” Decker eyed him suspiciously.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just enjoyed the sauna a lot.” Kendrick smiled like a fool while he checked the time. “Gotta split, man. I need to find Jay.”
He left The Center+ and headed toward The Café. Jay’s shift would be almost over. He was hopeful she’d be asking for some time off soon. He didn’t think she needed to be on her feet as the pregnancy neared the end. She had a couple months still, but he would feel better knowing she was at home, safe, where he could protect her.
Walking into The Café, the jingle of the bells announced his arrival. Jay looked up and smiled immediately, but her brow creased within seconds. Pulling her into his arms, he kissed her deeply. Or rather, he tried to kiss her deeply, but she thwarted his efforts and he ended up just slobbering on her and himself.
“What the hell are you doing, Kendrick? I’m working. You can’t come in here and just start mauling me.” Jay pushed at his chest.
“Why not? Baby Daddy just wants a little lovin’.” He spoke loudly, trying to cover his laughter. Grabbing her by the hand, he pulled her through the back exit, shouting to her boss that she’d be back after her fifteen minute break.
In the brightly lit ally, he pulled her to his chest. “Come on, Jay. We haven’t had much time together lately. I miss you. I just wanted some kisses.”
The scrutinizing look she ran over his face immediately made him feel self-conscious.
“How many pills have you taken today, Kendrick?” Her voice was shaky, tight.
“I took as many as I needed for the pain. You don’t know how bad it hurts. The pills are from a doctor, I’m fine.” He instantly felt defensive, backing away from her. “You need me there for you, you need me ready for the baby. No one wants to be around me when I’m being a complete dick, so I take the pills so I can function through the pain. You’re not my fucking mother, so maybe you should back off.”
Fire flashed in Jay’s eyes. She gritted her teeth and looked at the ground for a moment before lifting her head and poking him in the chest.
“You know what? You’re right. I’m not your mother. But I did watch my mother and my father both struggle with addictions my entire life. I’m no stranger to the glassy-eyed excuses, the snappy lows, the mellowed state, the happy highs. Speaking of your mother, what exactly do you think your mom would say if she knew how much that little pill bottle has come to mean to you?”
Guilt ate at Kendrick’s soul, but anger was easier to deal with. He threw his hands up in the air and tried only half-heartedly to keep his voice at a respectable level.
“I’m guessing she’d be proud of me for being able to come back from a life-threatening accident to return to work, spend time with the woman I love, and prepare for her grandchild to arrive. But, maybe that’s not enough for you, huh? Not enough that I’m working my ass off for you and the baby when all I really want to do is curl into a ball and escape the pain? Sorry to be such a disappointment.” Guilt bubbled inside his gut, but he clung to the anger instead. Accepting the guilt meant admitting he was in the wrong. Holding onto the anger allowed him to cover the real problem and put the blame elsewhere.
Jay’s eyes glistened. “Kendrick, I never asked you to be here for me or this baby. You took this position on your own, and as much as I’ve come to love you and look forward to our future and raising this baby with you, I have to tell you something.”
His heart plummeted as she spoke.
“Almost nine months ago I never would have thought I could emotionally survive a pregnancy, let alone raise a child. But, thanks to your love and support, and the ever present support from your family, I know I can do this alone if needed. I would miss you terribly, but if you continue to choose drugs over everything else in your life, I will do it by myself. The best and worst part of that would be knowing each and every member of your family would stand by my side to help with this baby even as they stood by your side to help you through this rough time. Having your family without having you would likely almost kill me, but I’m strong enough to do it. This baby doesn’t deserve to grow up with an addict for a dad. Hell, I don’t deserve to spend the rest of my life in second place to drugs. Get your shit figured out.” Jay’s eyes held fear, hurt, and longing as she gave him one last look and walked away.
She hadn’t said the words, but he heard the ultimatum loud and clear. If he couldn’t get himself away from the pills, he’d find himself living without Jay and the baby.
He pinched the bridge of his noise, fighting the wave of nausea washing over his body. He had three months of pills. He couldn’t just stop cold turkey, but he could space them out and wean himself down until they were gone. He’d just have to toughen up against the pain. And do a better job of hiding the side effects from those around him. He could do this. He had to. Losing Jay and the baby would be like living his worst nightmare all over again.
Chapter 17
Jay’s palms were sweaty as she walked up the steps to Jeremiah and Audrey Jordan’s home. She’d been to Kendrick’s parents’ home several times, but this time was different. Not long ago she’d been at the home to celebrate the upcoming arrival of the baby with Kendrick’s family. But today wasn’t for a happy celebration. She doubted there would be laughter or smiles, more likely anger and tears.
When she’d called Katie and told her she was worried about Kendrick, tears had filled her eyes when the other woman had agreed with her concern. Maybe Jay had been hoping she was seeing things that weren’t there; having Katie agree with her was both a relief and a burden. Katie’s concern for Kendrick meant Jay’s concerns and worries were valid. And that meant something needed to be done.
Katie and Zoey met her at the door. She knew all the family had been invited to attend the get together, except Kendrick. He was at home, sleeping. Lately, if he wasn’t glassy-eyed high, he was asleep.
She rounded the corner to the living room, decaf tea in hand thanks to Zoey, and found herself face-to-face with Kendrick’s entire family. Over the past several months she had grown to love this group of people more than she had ever imagined possible. She loved them because they were real, they were all a part of Kendrick. They loved and protected and supported each other fiercely, and they called each other on their shit when necessary. It was all of those things which made her both nervous and confident about calling them together.
With greetings, tummy rubs, and general small talk out of the way, Decker took charge as usual. Jay didn’t mind him taking the reins to get things started because she wasn’t exactly sure how to begin.
“So, we all know Jay called us here today, and as much as it’s great to see everyone and visit, I don’t think she had a general social gathering in mind. Jay, the floor is yours.” Decker nodded at her as the rest of the family took their places around the room.
Reminiscent of Kendrick sharing the nightmare of his past with the family so many months ago, Jay sat on the ottoman with Decker and Katie seated to her left, Zach and Zoey seated to her right, and Luke and Sawyer seated at her back. She hadn’t been present when Kendrick had faced his family in exactly the same way, but the arrangement wasn’t lost on the other members.
“First, I want to thank you all for coming. I also want to thank you all for accepting me and the baby into your family with open arms. I’ve fallen in love with all of you almost as much as I’ve fallen in love with Kendrick. I grew up thinking love was a mythical thing, only people in fictional stories got to know the love of family and friends. But, then I stumbled upon Kendrick and all of you; you’ve all shown me what it means to
be strong, stand for what is right, and love beyond measure.” Jay took a sip of her tea, calming her nerves as much as she could, knowing what she had to say next was likely to go over like a lead balloon. When Katie and Zoey both reached for her, she felt a renewed sense of strength.
“Because of all of that, what I’m about to say is not only extremely difficult, it’s also terribly important.” Taking a deep breath, she continued, “I think Kendrick is in trouble.”
Every eye in the room was on her, every breath was being held waiting for her to go on.
“I think he’s gotten himself in too deep with the pain pills he’s been taking since the accident. I watched both of my parents struggle with and eventually die from substance abuse, and I’m seeing the same behaviors from Kendrick. It breaks my heart to admit this to all of you, but I’m truly scared for him.” Jay stopped, and looked around the room.
“What type of things are you seeing?” The Captain spoke up gruffly.
“Glassy eyes, sleeping much more than usual, happy highs, snappy lows, and excuses left and right.” Jay braced for a fight from those who didn’t believe her. She didn’t want a fight, but part of her longed for someone to come to Kendrick’s rescue and save him from the accusations she was making.
“This is ridiculous.” Audrey’s eyes were narrowed, contempt flowed from her words. “You come into my house and accuse my son of substance abuse? The man was in a terrifying auto accident, he’s still in terrible pain, he’s working his ass off to be there for you and a baby that likely isn’t even his, and yet you’ve called us all here to throw him under the bus? What type of person does that? What could you possibly know about Kendrick that the rest of us wouldn’t know?”
Jay looked down. She didn’t want to fight with Audrey, but she wasn’t surprised Kendrick’s mother was the one to defend him. It made sense on several different levels. No mother wants to admit her child is having problems. And admitting to Kendrick’s problems would possibly be hitting too close to home based on Audrey’s unsavory actions in the past.