by Claire Adams
“But you’re in love with the bastard.” I nodded.
We went in and found a table, and I tried to decide what I wanted to eat. Everything sounded terrible, even though I had been to the restaurant before and had enjoyed everything I had eaten. It was the typical greasy spoon — nothing fancy, just large portions of food cooked in old-fashioned style with plenty of fat. I got a breakfast plate of pancakes, eggs, and bacon, and we ordered a pot of coffee to share along with a carafe of orange juice. I had my doubts about my ability to keep it down, but I went along with it anyway. I went along with everything; there was nothing else left to do.
“Johnny’s going to have to come back to school soon,” Georgia pointed out. “He could fail his classes if he has too many unexcused absences. And, more importantly, to some people, he might miss the college championship if he doesn’t get back soon.” I laughed.
“God, it’s just so…” I sighed and added sugar and milk to my coffee, stirring it much longer than I had to. “I can’t believe any of this is happening. It’s so terrible. I mean, what that girl went through, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and if I really thought that Johnny had had anything to do with it…”
“You’d gut him?” Georgia suggested. I laughed again, weakly.
“Yeah, probably. Or cut his dick off.” I shook my head. “But I can’t believe he actually did it anything like what people are accusing him of. I know him. I saw him talking about it. You just can’t — you can’t fake that kind of frustration and sadness.”
“He’s really torn up about it, isn’t he?” I nodded.
“He is. He’s…he thinks that he has to basically be responsible for it never happening to any girl he’s around ever again. He’s wrong — he did everything he could, I know he did. But he’s taken it so hard, and something like this…” I swallowed. Our food arrived and I poured maple syrup indiscriminately all over my pancakes, not even caring if it landed on my eggs. I wasn’t sure how much of it I would even be able to eat.
“It’ll stop soon, one way or the other.”
“It’s not even that,” I said with a shrug, cutting a bite out of the pancakes and forcing it to my mouth. “I can’t even function. I can’t go online. Every time I do, I either see some horrible comment about Johnny or someone’s posted something awful on my wall. I can’t…” I felt my eyes burning with the tears that seemed to come so readily. “I just want everyone to shut up and leave me alone. Leave him alone.”
“Everyone loves to see a golden boy fall,” Georgia said, digging into her eggs benedict. She shook her head. “It happens with celebrities all the time and sports guys. They love it when someone who’s had a little bit of luck has something bad like this happen to him.”
We talked and ate, and I drank coffee mindlessly, sipping in between each bite, refilling my mug and doctoring it again and then again. I started to feel the caffeine surging through me; I was jittery from all of it, my stomach not nearly full enough to justify how much coffee I’d had. I was so tired, so afraid, so sad, that I didn’t care.
I paid for breakfast and we went back to the car, still talking about the incredible, awful situation. “Do you think he meant it?” I asked as we pulled out of the parking lot. I didn’t really want to go back to campus; without Johnny there was really nothing for me there, at least not over the weekend. If I knew where he was, I’d go after him. I couldn’t even think about going back to my parents’ house because I knew I would be just as miserable there.
“Meant what?” Georgia asked, settling in the passenger seat and changing the song on the stereo to something a little more upbeat.
“About forgetting about him. About just…moving on. Do you think he really means it’s over for good?” Georgia bit her bottom lip.
“If things — if it doesn’t clear up, I could see him meaning it,” she said. “I don’t think he’s fallen out of love with you at all, but, I mean, it’s not like he can expect you to stand up for him to everyone and deal with all the shit that’s being flung.”
“But I would!” I said. “If he can take it — if he can deal with it, the least I can do is support him.” I shook my head. “I just wish I knew how to make him understand that.” Georgia shrugged.
“You have to be patient. You have to let things settle down. Once everything is cleared up, you can try again with Johnny. I really don’t think he’ll forget about you or something stupid like that.” I tried to take comfort in what Georgia was saying. I knew that Johnny had told me to stay away from him, to stop reaching out to him, for my own good. He didn’t want to involve me in his disgrace. But I also knew that I didn’t really have any choice in how I felt.
We pulled up to a stop light next to the train station near campus and I looked around, wondering at the fact that everyone on the road with me looked so cheerful. The weather was even cheerful. How could everything look so pleasant and happy when I was so miserable? “Hey, isn’t that Johnny’s truck?” Georgia asked me. My heart started pounding. I looked over at the train station where she had pointed. Sure enough, parked in the near-vacant lot, right there, was Johnny’s truck. I would recognize it anywhere. He had gone to the train station; that much was obvious. But where had he gone to from there?
Chapter Two
When we got back to the campus, I let Georgia out at the dorms. I was determined to find out something — anything — about where Johnny had gone. “Are you sure about this?” Georgia asked me. “I mean, if he wants you to stay away…he might be doing something risky or dangerous.” I shrugged. I was miserable without Johnny.
“If he is, he is,” I said. “That’s not about to stop me. I know for a fact that if I was going through something, Johnny would be by my side the entire time. I can’t do any less for him. Besides…” I took a deep breath. “If he really doesn’t want me around, if he wants it to be over, he will have to tell me to my face.” Georgia looked doubtful, but she got out of the car and I watched her walk back towards the dorms. I had to think; if anyone would know where Johnny had gone, it would have to be his frat brothers. At least one of them would have to have at least some clue of where Johnny was. I didn’t know any of them well, but they at least knew that I was Johnny’s girlfriend. Assuming they didn’t think that I had abandoned him in the wake of this mess, they would hopefully have enough pity on me to tell me what they knew. I could only hope.
I drove over to the Phi Kappa house and pulled into parking on the road. I tried to decide how best to go about asking, but I knew there was no point. Either they would tell me or they wouldn’t. Either they would know that I was trustworthy or they’d think the worst of me. Either they were standing behind their brother or they’d already disowned him and wouldn’t even care where he was. I took a deep breath and got out of my car.
It was still fairly early, at least far as weekends went on campus went. No one was around and I had to wonder if anyone was even awake at the Phi Kappa house. Had they been partying last night? I had no idea. I walked up from the street to the front door and took another deep breath to steady my nerves. I really didn’t have any other choice but to ask them for information. They were the only people save for his teammates I could possibly ask. I swallowed down the sense of panic I was feeling and knocked on the door.
I waited. It was, after all, only ten. It was possible that no one was awake yet. But I didn’t want to knock again. I didn’t want to piss anyone off. I was beginning to lose hope when I heard someone call out that they were coming. I closed my eyes and focused on what I was there to do. I opened my eyes as I heard something at the door in front of me. I bit my bottom lip to stifle the instinct to run away. I wasn’t normally this scared, but there was so much at stake.
The guy who answered the door was in pajama pants and, from what I could see, nothing else. I put on my best smile, though I knew that my best smile at the moment was a poor imitation of my usual smile. “Hey, sorry if I woke you up,” I said.
“Nah, it’s all good,” the guy said
. He was relatively good looking, but not a patch on Johnny, with dark hair and eyes and a bronze complexion. “You’re Johnny’s girl, right?” I nodded.
“I saw his truck at the train station,” I told the guy. “I’ve been…kind of looking for him. You know?” I shrugged. He had to know — everyone on campus knew. “I’m worried about him.” The guy smiled.
“He said you’re pretty sweet,” he told me. “It’s good of you to be worried. I mean, not that I’d want you to worry, but you know.” I managed a little laugh.
“Yeah, I know,” I said. The guy scratched at his rib cage, leaning against the frame of the door. He looked out onto the street; no one else was around.
“Come inside,” he said. “I don’t know where he got to, but one of the others might have an idea.” He opened the door wider and I slipped past him, feeling a little relieved; he was willing at least to let me in, to give me the chance to find out where my boyfriend was. Surely someone in this frat has a clue, I thought. I couldn’t imagine Johnny getting onto a train without telling anyone. It also made me happy to know that his brothers, this one, at least, were supporting him and cared about him still. I didn’t know whether they believed the rumors about Johnny or whether they knew the truth, but they at least were not kicking him out, either way.
It was weird to be in the frat house without Johnny, knowing that he wasn’t even in there. The house had the same odor of tons of guys living in one place: sweat, stale beer, dirty clothes somewhere in another room, a kind of grimy funk that I didn’t think any amount of cleaning would ever manage to get out of the walls and floors. I followed the guy who had answered the door into the living room to see a bunch of guys gathered around the TV, watching something — I thought it might be the recap of a game. A few of them were in pajama pants, but most of them were in nothing more than boxers. I recognized a few of them from Johnny’s team. “Yo, guys,” the brother who had let me into the frat house called. A few of them looked up; they had been so absorbed in the TV and their bowls of cereal that they hadn’t even noticed that anyone had come in. I tried not to blush or laugh.
“Hi,” I said, smiling nervously. “I know a couple of you guys are on the team with Johnny. Does — does anyone know where he’s at?” The guys looked at each other and I could see them hesitating.
“She’s worried about him,” the guy who’d let me in said.
“Johnny didn’t want anyone to know where he was,” one of the guys said, more to the others than to me.
“She’s Johnny’s girl, though,” another guy said. “I mean, you heard him talking about her. He trusts her.” I tried not to fidget as they debated amongst themselves, feeling more and more desperate. It was obvious that they weren’t going to really acknowledge me until they had decided matters between themselves by the way that they were talking about me as if I wasn’t even there. I waited, telling myself that they were just looking out for Johnny, just like I was. They weren’t sure what to think of me, and I could imagine that they’d probably been hounded over the past few days about their brother. They weren’t going to open him up to someone else hounding him.
“Just tell the girl; can’t you see she’s miserable? Besides, if Johnny doesn’t want to see her, he can tell her to get the hell out of dodge.” I sighed, relieved. I wasn’t exactly glad that I was obviously miserable, but at least someone was talking sense.
“Johnny told me the other day he needed to go home and make things right. I offered to give him a ride to the train station, but he said he’d just park it — they don’t tow you.” I considered. I had no idea where Johnny lived. I looked around the room; it was obvious that they wanted to help me, but it was equally obvious that they were not fully awake, that they were probably hung over.
“I don’t actually know where Johnny lives,” I said, blushing. “Does anyone have the address?” Some of the guys shrugged, others frowned in thought. Finally one of them got up.
“His mom sends him stuff sometimes; let me see if anything’s hanging around in the kitchen.”
“That’s where the mail goes,” one of the other guys explained. I waited as the first guy walked out of the room and into what I could only assume was the kitchen, while the others started to turn their attention back onto the show in front of them. The brother who had let me in had wandered off once it was clear that the others were willing to help me, so I didn’t even have a chance to thank him.
The guy who’d gone into the kitchen came back with an envelope. “He hadn’t opened it yet, so you can still see the address,” he said, handing it to me. I smiled.
“Thank you. I’m — I’m really worried about him,” I said. “I just…” I sighed. “It’s a lot for him to deal with, and I don’t want him to be alone.”
“You’re pretty alright,” the guy said, grinning a little. “Johnny told us you’re the sweetest girl he’s ever met.” I blushed, smiling.
“I don’t know about that. But I care about him a lot.” The guy nodded.
“Just so you know, you’re always welcome here. You’re Phi Kappa by affiliation. Anyone bothers you — anyone from the other frats or one of the sororities, you let us know.” I felt like I was going to cry; it was so good of them to take up for me.
“I can mostly handle it,” I said quickly. “But thank you.” The guy hugged me briefly.
“Johnny’s a good guy. If he’s into you, we figure you must be something special.”
“We can agree on one thing: Johnny’s a good guy.” The brother laughed.
“Go on, you don’t want to hang with us when you could be getting to Johnny.” I hugged the frat brother one last time and hurried out of the house, breathing deep of the fresher air outside. I had an address. I had somewhere to go. I looked at it and sighed; Johnny wasn’t lying when he’d told me he’d gone about as far away from home as he could and still stay in the same state. It could be worse, I told myself. He could have decided to go out of state for college — and I wouldn’t have blamed him at all. But it was going to be a long drive, and I didn’t even know if he’d see me once I got to his mother’s place. I didn’t even know if he was still there or if he’d done something, like turn himself into the police. I couldn’t imagine what state of mind he was in.
But the return address was what I had to go on. I texted Georgia and told her that I was on my way and that I would probably be gone all day, if not longer. She texted back by the time I’d gotten into the car and told me to be safe, to let her know if I found anything out, and to not get myself killed. Drive safe, woman. They’re crazy out there. I turned the key in the ignition and plugged in the address on my phone. I hooked it into the sound system of my car and took the car out of park. Whatever happened, at least I was taking control of the situation. At least I was going to do something. Even if Johnny decided that he didn’t want to see me, I would have made an effort to find him, instead of spinning my wheels getting nowhere with him far away.
Chapter Three
I spent the entire rest of the morning driving, into the afternoon. It seemed like the highway was never-ending; the turn-by-turn directions were silent for at least two hours, even though whenever I spared a glance at my phone to confirm that it was still on, it showed me moving consistently, keeping track of me by satellite.
I had a lot more time to think than I would have wanted as I made my way down the state, further and further away not only from the college but from even my parents’ home. I cringed when I thought about what my dad would say about how much I was spending on gas — I had to fill the tank twice. I knew my dad would see the charges on the statement, but I thought that by then I’d have a decent story of some kind to give him; though I had no idea what that would be. If Johnny rejected me — if he really wanted me out of his life for my own good, it would be for nothing.
Johnny could lose everything over this. If booking it out of town like he did made him miss more classes, if he missed the big championship game, then he could lose his scholarship and definit
ely, the team would stand a good chance of losing the game. He could be kicked off of the team. If he failed his classes because of unexcused absences, he could end up getting kicked out of the school altogether, since he would no longer be able to pay for his classes. Even if he managed to somehow keep his scholarship, he would be on academic probation. I thought about how much Johnny loved hockey; it clearly made him happier than just about anything on the planet. Other than you. And he might lose you, too. I couldn’t let him throw everything away, even if he thought he was responsible and even if he thought that it was the only way to make everything end.
I felt jittery and insecure, but not as panicky as I’d felt trying to get to Johnny’s away game to get the story from him. I didn’t know at all what would come of tracking him down or even if I would find him at his mother’s house and be able to talk to him. What if she stonewalled me, the way the guys at the frat had intended to? What if she decided that I was no good just because I was another girl in her son’s life, someone who might bring him nothing but trouble?
I checked in with Georgia with every gas stop I made, telling her that I was still okay. I knew she was worried about me. I suspected that she thought I was completely crazy to go about it this way, but I knew I couldn’t wait any longer to figure out how I could help Johnny or whether he would even let me help him. I had to have faith that once I was there, once I was able to hopefully see him and talk to him again, things would be okay. It was the only thing I had to hold onto.
By the time I pulled off of the highway into Johnny’s town, my legs had gone numb from sitting in one place all morning. I looked around; it was a tiny little town. It looked to be mostly middle class, though some of the houses I drove past were boarded up, with foreclosure signs on them. I followed the turn-by-turn directions to the letter, winding along one road and down another, making a turn here, passing a particular street, making a U-turn, getting onto another street. I slowed down. Small towns tend to be wary of out-of-towners like me, and I didn’t want to end up in trouble with any of the local police; that would just make everything worse. I had a moment of wondering if I really was crazy. Should I just have let things rest with what Johnny had said about me moving on, cutting him out of my life forever?