* * *
An hour later, I felt better. Not great, but better.
After composing myself, I walked back into camp and headed for the chow line. I could have cut to the front, a perk of my rank, but that was never my style. I took my spot, and waited like everyone else. Unfortunately, my presence made those around me nervous, like their private conversations would get them in trouble. I tried to ease their minds with some small talk, a little praise, and a few jokes. It worked some, but it wasn’t until I grabbed my food and left that the tension around me dissipated.
I walked to my unit’s fire. Most were stretched out, relaxing as they ate their night’s meal. A few of the people I hadn’t known as long would not allow themselves to completely relax. However, Ira and Dekar hadn’t changed their behavior toward me one bit which more than made me happy. They both gave a cheerful nod, as did Reuma, who sat at Ira’s side.
Ira revealed a deck of cards. “Time for a couple games?”
I grinned. “Absolutely. Just give me a few minutes.”
“When you’re ready.”
I moved past him, and exchanged quick hellos and small talk with some of the others as I made my way to Boaz who sat in isolation, back to the flames, staring out into the night.
“Mind if I sit?”
He looked up. “No, not at all.”
I eased myself down and sighed like a man twice my age. I definitely needed the extra rest tonight as well.
“You look like a man with a lot on his mind,” I said.
“That would be a pretty accurate statement.”
“Want to talk about it?”
He shrugged. “Not sure what to say. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, if not from me, then from others in a similar situation.”
“Doesn’t mean you don’t need to say it. It helps to get things off your chest.”
He let out a slow breath. “Just thinking about Dinah and Abigail. I miss them so much. Little Nadav too. That boy grew on me pretty quick. Like a son. Wondering if they’re all right, even still alive. Wondering if I’ll ever see them again. Wondering if I’ll make it out of this alive myself.”
I bobbed my head. “I have those same thoughts.”
“Any ideas on how to deal with them?”
“I think it comes down to the individual. Some people can push those thoughts aside and pretend that their family isn’t even real. Others use those thoughts to drive them. They keep their family on their mind purposefully as a motivating factor for success. I’ve seen men live and die from employing both techniques.”
He appeared defeated. “It all comes down to luck then.”
“Not always. But it’s hard to say that skill comes into it when you’re between two men with shields raised to ward off a storm of arrows and the soldiers on either side of you die while you live. Your shield was no bigger, your efforts no different, your body no smaller a target. Just luck.”
“That’s the hardest thing right now to deal with. I know I’ve gotten better in just the short time you’ve been training us, but back at that Geneshan camp, I should have been the one to die. Not Maksim. He was a much better fighter. Quicker and stronger. But his foot slid on a rock while mine stayed firm, and the enemy jumped on him before I could save him. That’s hard to live with, knowing a pebble saved my life and sacrificed his.”
“Why am I alive and he isn’t, right?” I clenched my fists as old feelings grabbed hold of me. “What makes me so special? Should I have died in his place? I bet you’ve asked yourself all of those questions.”
“Dozens of times already.”
“So have I. Every Molak-be-damned day since I first joined the army more than a decade ago.” I sighed, reflecting on the countless deaths I had witnessed, each one pushing down on me. “And I don’t have a reasonable answer for any of them. No soldier really does. Some might pretend they have it figured out, but they’re full of it. Often the most stressful part of being a soldier is not the fear of death, but the fear of living. It’s a burden, a great responsibility to do something with your life, to make it so you’re worthy for the time you have that others didn’t. It can eat at you if you aren’t careful. I knew several who weren’t and took their own lives.”
He hung his head. “Not very encouraging.”
“Sorry. Just wanted to let you know that you weren’t alone.”
There was a long silence between us before he spoke again.
“How do you cope with it?”
I wondered if I really was the person to ask. After all, I did just lose it for a bit while out by myself. However, I guessed that since I hadn’t taken my life yet, and was sitting there trying to help him, I was coping with it on some level.
“One day at a time, I guess. Keep thinking about your family, but try only to think about how important it is for you to be there for them. Don’t doubt that they are alive and waiting for you. And in the short term, think about your squad mates and how much they rely on you. You did a good thing back at the Geneshan camp with Maksim. He died, but it was through no fault of your own. You didn’t cower. You fought and defended him until I could get there. Then you got him to safety so he could die in peace rather than under a Geneshan sword. It might not sound like much, but for many, including me, that means a great deal.”
I looked over and saw he had slipped that ribbon from Dinah into his hand. He worried it between forefinger and thumb. He looked up to the sky, mouthed a few words, then put the ribbon away. I assumed there was a prayer, but I didn’t ask for confirmation. That was between him and the gods. I didn’t have any use for them, but I knew others did.
He smiled. “Thank you, Tyrus.”
I wasn’t sure what I said that might have helped, but whatever it was seemed to have done him good. That smile of his was enough to bring me out of the funk I had been in too.
I patted his back. “Up for some cards?” I asked, gesturing back over my shoulders.
“Nah. I think I’m going to take advantage of the extra down time to catch up on sleep.”
“Not a bad call.”
I made it back to Ira. Dekar and Reuma sat next to him. Each held a hand of cards. Another set lay face down on an empty spot on the log. I settled down, picked them up, and began organizing my hand.
“Just us?”
“Yeah, no one else can handle the stakes,” said Ira.
“Stakes? What stakes? We’ve got no money.”
“No. But we should after we whip the Geneshans. They always carried around valuable stuff. If not, we should find something leftover in Hol.”
“Looting dead countrymen?” Dekar shook his head. “Lovely.”
Ira shrugged. “They won’t be needing it. Best someone puts it to use.”
I said, “So you’re saying that no one from our unit wants to play cards with you because they may not have the money to pay their debts from a hypothetical pay off in the future? Seems like a flimsy excuse.”
“Well,” said Reuma while giving Ira a sidelong glance. “I think it had more to do with people accusing him of stacking the deck.”
“Yeah, can you believe that garbage, Ty?” He acted in genuine disbelief. “Me, cheating? Ridiculous. Like I would ever stoop so low to jeopardize the integrity of the cards. It isn’t my fault that I’m just a naturally gifted player.’
Dekar rolled his eyes. Somehow he managed to keep any other comments to himself.
“Let’s just get started,” I said.
“Yes, please,” said Dekar finally, “Maybe after I beat him a few times, he’ll shut up.”
Ira’s eyes narrowed. “That’s what you think.”
Reuma flashed me a helpless look.
I shrugged. “You better get used to it. I’ve been dealing with them for ten years.”
The games were interesting. Dekar and Ira bickered over every card played by the other, each tim
e meticulously counting score to see where the other stood. Neither won a game. It almost didn’t matter that Reuma and I dominated them, so long as they beat the other.
“That’s three in a row I won,” said Ira, grinning.
“Uh, I won the last one,” said Reuma.
Dekar scowled, ignoring her. “Want to play a game of crests? I’m sure I can create a board.”
“No thank you.”
“Scared of a real game?”
“Just smart enough to play to my strengths. But then, mama used to say I was the one with the brains.”
Dekar’s scowl disappeared then. He started to chuckle. It grew into a loud laugh. A rarity for Dekar.
“What are you laughing at?” said Ira, face twisting.
“If you’re going to tell a lie, at least tell one that people might actually believe.”
He laughed louder, waking up the rest of our unit that had fallen asleep. They grumbled until Dekar snorted through his laughter. Then everyone, including me and Reuma joined in. That of course, angered Ira, but when Dekar snorted a second time, even Ira couldn’t refrain from laughing.
It felt good to rip out a good laugh. And based on the way people held their sides, or wiped watery eyes, it was obvious I wasn’t the only one.
“Well, gods-be-damned, what did I miss?” came a loud voice behind me.
The laughter faded quickly. I turned to Hamath, surprised in more ways than one. I still wasn’t used to the way he now cursed the gods, even in a general sense.
As we all stared dumbly in his direction, Reuma finally answered his question. “Ira and Dekar were arguing about a card game.”
“And it ended in laughter? Things have definitely changed.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked. The question came out more accusatory that I meant it to be.
Thankfully, Hamath didn’t seem to notice. Or if he did, he showed no signs of caring.
He smiled. “Honestly, I wanted to be dealt in. Kind of miss playing with everyone.”
That caused me to relax.
“Deal him in, Dek. You might actually beat someone now,” said Ira.
Before Dekar could respond, Hamath found a seat near me. “You might want to worry about yourself, Ira. I plan to embarrass you both.”
“You’re on, you red-haired piece of garbage.”
The laughs returned then, at least among me, Ira, Dekar, and Hamath. The exchange felt so natural it was like Hamath had never left. Like he belonged. Maybe things hadn’t changed as much as I had thought.
That feeling increased as we played the first few hands. Hamath ended up winning most of them. Ira did manage to win the last hand as he pulled a card out of his rear no one expected. His victory resulted in a nice rant about how great he was. It didn’t end until Reuma gave him a glance that said she had heard enough.
Hamath ribbed him for that, but all in good fun.
During the next game, Hamath volunteered. “So, I’m assuming Tyrus told everyone what happened to me after you dropped me off, right?”
The shift in conversation surprised me, as did his sudden seriousness.
“More or less,” said Ira flatly while organizing his hand. His response was guarded.
Hamath’s question killed the light mood of our group. It was like everyone was reminded that these were not the good old days and that Hamath had placed a huge gulf between the rest of us.
“Anyone got questions? We haven’t really talked these last few weeks. I can still feel the tension and it would be nice to put that all away.”
I bobbed my head in agreement.
Dekar surprised me. “I got one. How did you survive the eruptions? You were closer to Hol than us when they happened. Was there someone with a resistance in that crew you were raiding with?”
“Not until I joined.”
Dekar cocked his head.
Hamath grinned. “None of y’all know this, but I actually have a small resistance to sorcery myself. Not nearly as strong as Tyrus or probably his kids from what I heard, but more than the average person, enough where I only got a little sick and was able to help some of the others I was with.”
“How did we not know that?” I asked, blinking. “Especially Ava.”
“Because I did a good job hiding it. Anytime she had to cast a concealment spell on us, I was usually near you so the same tricks she had to use on you overlapped me. When I was taking point, I was good enough where I didn’t need her to directly affect me. Maybe the people or something near me, but that’s it. And like I said, it’s not that strong. Strong enough to help me out in a bind, but not so strong I couldn’t explain Ava having to work harder on me by her being tired or something.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It almost didn’t seem real for him to keep something like that from us, me especially. Even a small resistance could have saved lives on past missions.
“Why would you do something like that?”
“No crap, Ty. That would have come in handy in the war,” said Ira, shooting Hamath a foul look.
“Maybe. Not enough to make a difference. I would have said something if it came down to life or death. For example, that’s why I also made sure to help you and Ava take out that Master Sorcerer guarding the artifact at the end of the war. Besides not wanting to see either of you two killed, I knew I had an advantage others didn’t. In other instances, if we needed someone with a resistance, I just always let you use yours rather than reveal myself.”
“But why keep it secret?” Dekar asked.
“Balak. I figured that if he found out that there were two of us in the same unit with a resistance, he’d reassign me. Might even give me my own unit.”
I blinked. “I thought you wanted that?”
“Not so much then.”
“Then why now?”
He shrugged. “Time to embrace my life completely. Don’t know if I can do that living under your shadow and influence all the time.”
There was a hint of mirth in his voice as if to ease the words, but his face belied a seriousness to them.
“So you decided it made more sense to start kissing Balak’s rear?” asked Ira.
The question had some bite to it. I don’t think it was all because he was angry at Hamath, though there was that after finding out a squad mate lied to you for over ten years about something pretty significant. But also, Ira just hated Balak. And for good reason. I recalled the story he once told me about Balak ordering the death of a baby.
Hamath gave Ira a hateful stare. “I’m not kissing his rear.”
“Sure looks like it. All that time you spend with him.”
“Tyrus spends about as much time with Balak as I do.”
“The difference is that Ty is trying to make the best out of a crap situation. Balak sought him out. He didn’t have much of a choice but to rejoin. You sought Balak. The choice was yours.”
Hamath shrugged. “I don’t think Balak’s all bad. Definitely not like he used to be.”
I had to agree based on what I had seen, but Ira wasn’t having it.
“I call crap on that. Balak can come out here dressed in the robes of a priest of Molak and prostrate himself before me and I’d still think he was a lying sack of garbage.”
“If you hate him that much, then why did you reenlist?”
“I didn’t have a choice either.”
“Not true. You could have hidden rather than come out with Tyrus.”
“And leave Ty alone? Friends don’t do that to each other, Hamath. Running out on him would be about as bad as if I had attacked him in his hometown.” He paused, sneering. “Oh, but you know what that’s like, don’t you?”
“Ira,” Dekar hissed.
Ira turned to Dekar. “Don’t you start. I know you feel the same way. Only difference is that I’m saying it.”
>
Hamath put his cards down. “You know, I came over here to try to set things right between us and explain myself. Yet, everyone seems to think that they’re better than me because of a couple choices I made. I didn’t realize I was the only one less than perfect. So enough of me.” He swung his gaze my way. “Let’s talk about you, Tyrus.”
I didn’t like that tone. “What about me?”
“Jareb told me a lot of stuff about you. An awful lot.”
“And you said you didn’t believe him.”
“Not most of it. I know he colored it to favor him. But I found out more of the real story from some of the people you brought along,” he said gesturing to several men at other fires, including Zev and Caleb.
“I don’t know what things or real stories you supposedly heard, but I call crap on that too,” snapped Ira. “You wanted truths and you go ask a bunch of relative strangers rather than your old squad mates? You trusted them instead of coming to me or Dekar? Gods, you really ain’t worth more than a pile of dung anymore.”
Ira looked genuinely disgusted with Hamath. I think if he wasn’t so curious about the rest of the conversation, he would have left rather than remain in his presence. I was practically getting to that point myself. But I held it together, knowing that if there was ever any chance of repairing our friendship, it would likely hinge on me. Still, it stung that Hamath had gone behind my back to speak with others, and that those others hadn’t told to me that Hamath was probing into my background.
I bit back my disappointment and anger. Hamath misinterpreted my look while completely ignoring Ira’s biting remarks.
Hamath spat. “How does it feel, Tyrus, to have others question the choices you’ve made in your life? To pretend like they have all the right answers to situations they were never part of? To act like they can live your life better than you have? Yeah, well, you can relax. Unlike everyone else, I’m not here to scrutinize every past decision you made just because you didn’t do things as I would have.”
Admittedly, I still couldn’t quite grasp all that drove Hamath’s anger with me. A part of it seemed to relate to my criticism of his personal choices. Yet, I couldn’t apologize for what I had told him before about his choices. It would be like giving him my approval for raiding, raping, and killing.
Resurrected Soldiers: The Tyrus Chronicle - Book Three Page 17