He reached across the table and placed his hand over mine. “This company will always have a staff of people to run it. There’s a lot of people that would be happy to climb over you to sit in my chair any day.” It was a joke, but true. People were always hungry to climb the ladder and often and the expense of anyone in their way.
“Oh, don’t I know it, but I’m good. This is a pinnacle time for us and I just want to focus on work right now. Joshua Crawford and I will be great partners. I assure you, you’ll love him.”
We finished our steaks and wine and my father ordered a slice of the largest chocolate cake I’d ever laid my eyes on. I contemplated calling Josh, but stared at my phone unable to pick it up. When it flashed a California area code, I knew his number instantly.
“Hey beautiful. Are you guys done with dinner?” he asked. “My Dad and brother and I thought we’d meet you all for a nightcap if you’re up to it?”
“Hang on and let me ask my Dad.” I covered the phone with my hand and asked my father if he was interested in yet one more glass of booze before we headed for home. He was game, so I picked a place midway between their restaurant and ours. “There’s a place called Stella’s right around the corner from my building. We can meet you there in, let’s say fifteen minutes. We have to close out our tab here and then we’ll be there. Is that okay?” I asked.
“Sound great, see you there.”
I felt all of a sudden overwhelmed with the prospect of seeing Josh and his family. Would it be awkward? How would he act? How would I act? Were we to act like we weren’t lovers? Were we to just play the part of business acquaintances? And after all the bullshit I just laid out to my Dad, I felt like crap. Here it starts, the kind of crap I hated most. I needed a diversion. Someone or something to create levity. It didn’t take but two seconds to phone Beth and invite her to meet us at Stella’s and since she was so close to the restaurant, my Dad offered to swing by on the way and pick her up. Thankfully, like always, she was up for it.
We picked her up and arrived at Stella’s about five minutes after my expected arrival time. I hated being tardy for anything even the most casual of occasions, so I expected that the three Crawfords would all be planted at a bar or table now, waiting for our arrival and watching our every move as we entered the room and advanced them. I wasn’t just a little nervous, I was downright scared to walk through the door. I put on my best smile, straightened my skirt, and pulled Beth through the door, with my father following behind.
There they were. Mr. Crawford was sitting at the bar, Josh was sitting in a stool next to him, and Jake was standing behind them. It was like looking at a spread of GQ, each of them gorgeous and all in slightly different ways. I walked directly to them. Jake reached out with open arms and folded me into the biggest hug ever.
“Hey, beautiful. I’ve missed your smile.” His embrace helped ease my nerves.
“Hey, Jake,” I said pulling out of his hug and reaching around to embrace Mr. Crawford, all but avoiding the electricity of the third magnet that was watching my every move. “Everyone, this is my best friend, Beth.” I turned and pulled her forward to meet everyone.
“It’s a pleasure to meet all of you,” she said.
They all proceeded to tell her their names one after the other. Josh was still staring at me, likely confused why I still hadn’t fully acknowledged him. I smiled at my father and felt Josh put his hand on my arm, getting my attention.
“Hey, you,” he said, trying to get my attention. “Come here, baby.” I almost died when everyone turned and looked at us. His reference to me as ‘baby’ lingered in the air.
“Hey,” I replied nervously.
He turned his chair around to face me and everyone fell back into conversation with one another—Jake with Beth, a great fit I thought; my Dad and Mr. Crawford; which left Josh and me in this awkward moment.
“Did that bother you when I just called you baby?” he asked.
“No, it just took me by surprise. I honestly didn’t know how this would go. How we would act or what I would do in the presence of everyone. I admit it shocked me a little.”
“I’ve called you baby at least 10 times in the last three days. It just never occurred to me to treat you any different in the presence of my family or yours. I’m sorry if it surprised you. Would you like it better if I didn’t call you that?”
“I don’t know honestly. I’m feeling a little lost right now.” I looked down into his lap.
“Look at me and quit looking down.” He grabbed my chin and drew my face up, waiting for my eyes to meet his. “I’ll do whatever you want, K.K., just don’t shut me out. I knew something was up tonight and you need to tell me what’s going on.”
“Listen, nothing’s going on. I’m just a little out of my element right now. Let’s just have a drink,” I replied.
He reached to hold my hand and I evaded him buy moving over to join Jake and Beth’s conversation. I knew I was hurting him and the rejection was palpable. It hung thick in the air and I felt like a complete shit, but I just needed to think about everything. I knew the more that he touched me, the more I wouldn’t be able to pull away. If I even wanted to pull away. If I was honest with myself, I didn’t. My father was right, I was being a coward about my future and there it sat two stools away, but the distance was growing with every second apart. I never moved back to Josh for the rest of the night.
Josh and my Dad were having a great conversation about the companies, the merger, and the direction of our future. I saw my Dad embrace him and shake his hand, which made me feel proud for Josh. He really was an incredible business man and a great leader. I knew that my Dad would take to him and that they would easily find themselves as friends and confidants.
We continued talking as a group, Josh and I never pairing up for any real conversation after I’d basically lied and said that everything was fine. It wasn’t, and I knew he deserved more. I needed to talk to him, I just didn’t know when. I was supposed to be staying with him, but now that didn’t seem right. Beth was supposed to be still working on my place and that left few options. My Dad’s or Beth’s, both of which didn’t seem appealing. I couldn’t just tell my Dad that I was staying with Josh and now I was virtually screwed. Should I have Benny just drop me off at the building and then take a cab somewhere? Did I actually go and stay with Josh, in the uncomfortable abyss I’d now created? I was so lost in thought I didn’t hear my Dad ask me if I was staying or if he could drop me off.
“Earth to K.K.,” Beth said. “Your Dad has been talking to you for the last few minutes and you have been in a trance. Are you okay?” She spoke loudly to get my attention and now everyone was staring at me as if my face was purple and I’d grown wings.
“Oh, sorry. What, Daddy?” I asked.
“Do you want to stay out or would you like Benny to take you home?” he repeated.
Josh was looking at me as if he’d directly asked the question and I looked at Beth and shrugged. “I’m up for staying out a little later if you are?” I asked. She nodded her head and jumped onto a barstool next to Jake, smiling like she just got asked to prom. “Thanks for dinner Dad, but I guess I’m going to hang out a little longer.”
Josh interrupted. “I’ll see that she gets home safely Mr. Blakely. You can count on it.”
“Okay, honey.” He kissed me on the cheek. “As for the rest of you gentleman, I will see you all at Blakely at noon for contract signing. It’s been a lovely evening.”
“If it’s all the same with you youngsters. I think I’m going to head back to the hotel myself,” said Mr. Crawford.
“Can I give you a lift, James?” my Dad asked.
“Sure. That would be great.”
They walked out the door and Jake and Beth were smiling, giggling, and having a great time getting to know each other. Josh sat with his back to me, facing the bar. I moved around to the barstool next time him and placed my hand on his arm, trying for levity.
“This stool taken?” I asked.
He looked at me with hurt eyes. “Nope. All yours.” Then he turned away from me and told his brother that he was going to the restroom. He walked away and within seconds, Jake was at my side.
“What the hell is going on, K.K.?” He asked, piquing Beth’s interest in our conversation, as well.
“What do you mean?” I answered stupidly, knowing what he was asking.
“Wow. I’ve never heard my brother talk about anyone like he talked about you tonight. He’s hasn’t quit talking about you this whole night. He’s head over heels about you and then you glide in here like you guys barely know each other. I’m lost?” He looked genuinely concerned for his brother. “Listen, I don’t know what’s going on, but that guy in there,” he pointed behind him, “he’s the greatest brother, son, and business partner in the world. I don’t know what’s going on, but whatever it is, fix it. He’s crazy about you, K.K.”
“I know he is and I’m crazy about him. I’m just not good with this kind of thing. I’m scared and confused,” I croaked.
“Confused about what?”
“Don’t worry, Jake. I promise I’ll talk to him. I appreciate your concern. It will be okay. I swear.”
“I sure hope so. You guys would be great together. Whatever it is, talk to him. Promise me?” He put his hand around my neck and kissed my head.
It was at that moment that Josh decided to walk out of the bathroom. Fuming, he advanced the bar. He grabbed his glass of wine and stepped back slightly from the three of us. Jake moved over, as did Beth, allowing Josh to resume his seat next to me. Josh quickly placed his hand on his brother’s back and told him not to move, he’d stand. Jake moved over anyway, but Josh still stood, drinking his wine and staring absentmindedly away from us.
I turned my stool around and looked at him. “Want to talk?”
“About what?” he replied.
“Please.” I asked again.
“Sure. Where shall we have this little talk, Kasey?” he shot back, coldly.
“Well, I’m not sure Joshua. You can sit down next to me or we can grab a table. Your choice.” I spoke with the same callousness, but I was crumbling inside.
He grabbed my arm, gently pulling me from my seat and leading me to a table just across the room. He sat down and I took a chair across from him.
“Wow,” he said, shaking his head. “You don’t even want to sit next to me. Interesting?”
I got up and moved to slide into the booth next to him and he slid over creating a division and looking at me angrily.
“Why are you so mad at me, Josh?” I asked.
“Well I don’t know K.K., let me see. You walk in here tonight and act like I am some stranger sitting next to a group of people you know. You have barely spoken to me, barely looked at me and then when I think that you can’t hurt me any more, I walk out to find my brother kissing your head and his arm around your neck. I just don’t fucking know. Does any of that sound reason enough to be mad? Or is it because I all but told my Dad and brother that I’m falling head over heels for you? I just don’t know which of those things I most pissed about.”
“What?” I said, shocked. My mouth hung open.
“Whatever.” He stood up abruptly. “I’ve clearly made a mistake. It’s okay. We’ll be great business partners and maybe one day we can be friends. I’d really like that. The offer still stands about a place to stay tonight. I’ll take the couch and you can have the bed.”
“Josh. Will you please sit down?” I felt like my heart was shattering and I didn’t know how to keep the pieces from falling.
“Why? What is there to say? You have made it abundantly clear that you do not feel the same way as I do.” His eyes pierced into mine.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” I asked.
“What? What are you talking about K.K.?” He shook his head quickly. “Wow. You must think I’m a real piece of shit to ask me a question like that. Do you honestly think that I would have spent the last three days holding you, kissing you, pouring my heart out to you, and sleeping with you if I had a girlfriend? The answer’s no, but I shouldn’t have had to tell you that. Why don’t you tell me what the hell is going on here? Because I’m a little fucking confused.”
I looked away from his face and down to my hands, feeling embarrassed and sad. Not knowing where to start.
“Please look at me, K.K. I hate when you do that, damn it? Look at me and tell me what’s going on. I deserve that I think…don’t you?”
“Yes,” I said, now looking into his eyes.
He was the one who now took a seat opposite me on the other side of the table. He placed his glass on the table and spun his wine in circles waiting for some kind of response from me.
I sighed. “You got a call today. It was when we were taking a nap. I knew it was your phone and not mine. When I went to grab it for you, there was the picture of a very, very pretty blonde on the screen. It just made me second guess everything and instead of asking you about it, I just acted like I didn’t see that you received a call from some other woman. Then it dawned on me that I’d gotten so caught up in you that I’d never really asked if there was someone back home in California anxiously waiting your return.” There. I’d said it.
“That’s what this is all about. A stupid phone call from a woman?” He tilted his head. “Her name is Megan and she is not my girlfriend. She’s been watching my house and my dog while I’ve been here in New York and she wanted to let me know that everything was going okay. For me not to worry about Daisy or my house.” He replied.
“Daisy?” I questioned.
“My Basset Hound,” he said, but with a less than happy demeanor.
“Listen, it wasn’t so much about the phone call Josh. It was just a million things at that point. I don’t know that much about you? I know you’re incredibly sexy. I know you are passionate and I think you have a great business mind, but outside of that, I don’t know much else. Three days, is just that, three days. I got scared and I tried to convince myself that maybe I was making a mistake liking you. My heart was feeling so full and fragile. I’m so afraid you’ll break it and I’m just ill equipped to put it back together.”
“So, instead you thought you’d come right in here tonight and break mine.” He took a sip of wine. “Classic move, girl wonder.”
“Okay. Now you’re just being an asshole,” I said. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry for everything.” I started to get up because I knew at that point I was going to break down and cry and I didn’t want to fall apart in front of him or Jake and Beth.
“Where are you going?” He grabbed my hand.
I turned to look at him, unable to keep the tears from welling in my eyes and looking slightly up, so that they wouldn’t spill down my cheeks.
“To the restroom. I’ll be back and we can go sit with Jake and Beth. Just give me a minute.” I pulled free and walked hastily for the bathroom, the tears now spilling down my cheeks and feeling like I’d squeezed them right out of my heart. And it hurt, just like I knew it would.
I stood in the bathroom, not having to pee, but needing the escape. I looked into the mirror feeling stupid and sad. I blotted my eyes, trying not to mess up my mascara. I fluffed my hair with my fingers, tussling it back into style. I was trying to recreate myself into a better version than I’d come in here looking, but it seemed futile and at that point, I didn’t really care. I brushed my skirt down my thighs, fixed my shirt, and made sure I didn’t look like I’d just cut an onion. I walked out the door and found Josh waiting in the hallway for me.
“Hey.” I tried to sound casual.
“Can I kiss you?” he asked.
“Why, Josh? I don’t want to hurt you and I know that I already have. I’m so sorry. You deserved better. I just didn’t know how to give it to you. You said that I brood about everything and you’re right. I think everything to death. I hate myself for hurting you. Please know that I never meant to.” I looked into his blue eyes. “Will you accept my apology?”
/>
“No. I won’t. But I will let you make it up to me.” He leaned closer. “Kiss me.”
“I just don’t know what the hell I’m doing,” I said. “Am I coming or going…I’m lost in this whole thing Josh and it all feels so real and tragic. We just need to stop before this goes so far one of us never recovers. And I assure you it will be me. Don’t hurt me because I let you down.” I continued. “I’m honestly hanging by a small string and I don’t know if I can take much more. We have to get through tomorrow and I just need to keep my heart intact. Please. I’m begging you now.”
“Kissing me shouldn’t hurt, K.K. It’s meant to be an act of passion and adoration, but that’s fine. I said I would give you whatever you wanted and if this is it, then I’ll walk away, but be sure because I’m not sure my heart can take much more either.” He stood there, looking into my eyes hurt and sad.
I turned away cowardly and walked over to the bar, away from the dream of Josh Crawford. My stomach felt sick with heartache.
Chapter 16
Joshua
I couldn’t believe how the night had turned to complete hell. I knew there was something off tonight before we left the house. I should have pried a lot harder and maybe I could have avoided this mess all together.
I was crazy about her. Babbling on all night like a love struck teenager to my Dad and brother. Didn’t I look like a fucking idiot? She walked in and suddenly I was invisible. Maybe I shouldn’t have called her “baby.” I could tell instantly that it threw her off. It just never occurred to me not to share the same affection with her that we had shared the last several days. God, I felt stupid. I sat there drinking my wine, while everyone around me was oblivious to my angst. I normally could have played it off, but in that very moment I wasn’t interested in game playing. I was mad that she was acting so distant. Weren’t we two grown adults?
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