He nodded. Said, “We were halfway there when we saw this old woman—a beggar—sitting by the side of the road. Dressed all in black, just sitting there in the dust, waiting for somebody to come along and toss her a scrap or two. And Rachel yelled to me to stop the vehicle. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t feeling good about this little outing to begin with. I told her it wasn’t safe. She said it was just an old lady, and where was my compassion? I still didn’t like it. Why the hell was this old woman out here in the middle of nowhere, miles away from civilization? I should’ve trusted my instincts. I should’ve said no and kept on driving. But I didn’t. I gave in. Because I could never say no to Rachel. Nobody could ever say no to Rachel.”
He reached for the can of soda, took another swig. Tapped fingertips on the side of the can.
“Rach asked me for some money. I pulled a fistful of coins out of my pocket, whatever I had in there, and I gave it to her, and she got out of the vehicle. My stomach was jumping around inside me and every instinct I had was screaming to call her back. Instead, I watched her walk across that dusty road toward that old woman. It’s weird, the details you remember. The woman was wearing bright turquoise sandals. And Rachel—my bright and beautiful Rachel, a little too naïve, a little too idealistic—kept moving closer to her with that fistful of coins. And I saw it. Something in the old woman’s eyes. I got out of the vehicle and shouted Rachel’s name. She turned around, looking surprised.”
The hair at his temples had gone damp. “I screamed at her to come back, that it was a trap. And then the old woman stood up, and I saw the bomb, strapped to her like a baby in one of those carrier things. Rach just stood there. It was the only time I’d ever seen fear on her face. And I ran, twelve feet that felt more like twelve miles. I slammed into her and knocked her to the ground just as the blast went off. It was the loudest noise I’d ever heard in my life. It knocked me ass over elbow, threw me thirty feet away from the site of impact. When it was over, there was just this…silence. Nothing moved. Not a bird, not a lizard, not so much as an air current. Three feet away from my face, one of the old woman’s turquoise sandals was lying in the road. Her foot was still in it. And Rachel—” He stopped, swallowed. “Rachel was gone.”
She didn’t realized she was crying until a tear plopped onto the back of her hand. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “So very, very sorry.”
“I didn’t even know about the leg. I couldn’t feel it, I didn’t know how bad I was wounded. All I cared about was her. They told me afterwards that if a convoy of American soldiers hadn’t come by when they did, I would’ve bled to death. I don’t remember that. All I remember is screaming, and screaming, and screaming. And then waking up in the hospital.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this? Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”
“I couldn’t. Part of me wanted to, but it was too hard. I never told anyone except Gunther. I carried it around with me for two years. The fury. The self-hatred. The blame. Because it was my job to protect her, to keep her safe. And I didn’t do my job right, and I ended up getting her killed. I didn’t listen to my instincts. Instead, I let her have her way. And then Gunther died, and—”
“You went off the deep end.”
“Because once again, I’d failed to protect somebody I cared about. I should’ve seen the signs, should have known he was suicidal. But I missed them completely. And you asked me to come work for you. You wanted to put me in charge of your entire security team, to keep you protected. To keep you alive. And I panicked. I was a failure, and I knew I’d fail you, just like I did Rachel and Gunther. And if anything happened to you—Christ, I couldn’t even think about it. It would’ve killed me. So I let you go, because it was easier than taking a chance that somehow, I’d end up destroying you, too.”
“Good God, Mikey, you’re not a failure. Rachel wouldn’t want you to feel that way. She wouldn’t want you to go on suffering with all that guilt.”
“No. She wouldn’t. Rach forgave me a long time ago. We talk sometimes, Rachel and I.” He cleared his throat. “But for a really long time, I couldn’t forgive myself.”
“And have you now?” Her voice sounded strange. Gravelly.
“I’m working on it. Things are better.”
“What changed?”
“Beth got into a little trouble with the Washburn boys, and I had to step in. And, hey, nobody died. I started thinking that maybe I wasn’t a complete failure after all. For once, I got something right. And I kept remembering what you’d said to me. That I was trying to save the whole world, and it was too much to expect of myself.”
“It is too much,” she said hoarsely. “You’re only one man. You can’t do it all.”
“And I finally read the letter Gunther left me. He pretty much said the same thing. And for some reason, his words really resonated. Sometimes, especially if you’re hard-headed, you need to hear something over and over before it sinks in.”
“Well, you certainly are hard-headed.”
“Gunther made me realize something else. Even though I made mistakes with Rachel, she made mistakes, too. A general’s daughter, a girl who’s been raised in a military family, who’s traveled all over the world with her father, should know better than to be that careless in a war zone. Yes, I should’ve stopped her. But Rach was like a butterfly, flitting around from place to place, always too elusive to pin down. She was a smart girl, and she had the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. But she made up her own rules as she went along. That’s risky. She gambled with her life, and she lost.”
Needing to touch him, Paige got up from her chair and walked around the table. He rose to his feet, opened his arms, and she buried her face in his shirt front and just breathed him in. “I’ve been so miserable,” she said.
“Me, too. It was a real dick move. Even if I did do it to protect you from me.”
“You could’ve just turned down the damn job, Lindstrom. Dumping me was a bit of overkill.”
“I was a mess, Paige. I didn’t know which end was up. All I knew was that I loved you, and I was sure you’d be better off without me. Breaking up with you seemed to make sense at the time.”
“Next time something seems to make sense, you might want to run it by me first. Does this mean you finally pulled your head out of your ass?”
Something flickered in his eyes. It almost looked like humor. “That’s what I love about you, MacKenzie. You’re a straight shooter.”
“Answer the question, Lindstrom.”
He pulled her tighter, drew her head back down to his chest. “Look,” he said, “I’ve come a long way, but I still have miles to go. This is just baby steps. I have PTSD. That means night terrors, phantom pain, anxiety. Horrible, horrible nightmares. I’m short-tempered and cranky and irritable. Sometimes, I need to go off by myself and I don’t want to be bothered by anyone. It’s nothing personal, just the way I am. All those issues aren’t miraculously going away just because I’m working on them.” His fingers played in her hair. “Some of that stuff will be with me for the rest of my life. I can’t promise a rosy future.”
“I know.”
“You have no idea what it’s like to be a Marine. The pride that’s hammered into you from the minute you step off that bus at basic training. We’re programmed to be the toughest, the baddest, the best. Words like failure and vulnerability aren’t part of our vocabulary. We don’t ask for help, and we don’t accept it when it’s offered. I’ve seen guys who chose death over admitting to any weakness. So it’s really hard to admit that you need help, that you’re overwhelmed and drowning in it. You have to find something you want bad enough to make it worth the loss of pride. And that something was you. I have anti-anxiety meds now. For when they’re needed. I have referrals to a shrink at the VA out here, and to a support group for veterans. It may be an imperfect future, but I can offer you a future, if you’ll have me.”
He released her, took a step back. Fumbling in his pocket, he pulled out a small, square box. The
kind of box that rings came in. While she stood rooted in place, hands quaking, he knelt on one knee. “I’ve loved you since I was sixteen years old. And yes, there’ve been other women in the years since we were together. A couple of them I loved. But you were always there, living inside me, the woman I never got over. We never had closure, and I think it must mean something that we found each other again after all these years. We have this lengthy history of near-misses, and I’m tired of it. I want to be with you. I can’t breathe without you. We need to give this a real try. So if you’ll have me, Paige MacKenzie—I’d like to marry you.”
The ring was exquisite, a large, diamond-cut emerald, set with smaller diamonds all around. “I thought emeralds suited you,” he said. “And it’s sort of a family tradition. Casey and Rose both wear emeralds.”
“Oh, Mikey.” The tears were flowing now, and she couldn’t squelch them. Didn’t even want to. The tough-as-nails Paige MacKenzie had been reduced to a blubbering fool.
“Could you clarify that for me? Oh, Mikey, what?”
She swiped the wetness from her face. “Before I say anything, I need to know you won’t change your mind a few weeks down the road and bug out. I need to know you’re sure this time. I won’t let you break my heart again.”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything. I’m not going anywhere.”
“And I need you to promise that you’ll be better at communicating. Because I don’t read minds. I can give you all the space you need, but if you don’t tell me you need it, I won’t know.”
“I will. As long as you promise to tell me when I’m being a total ass.”
“Believe me, there’ll be no problem with that.”
A smile teased the corner of his mouth. “So?”
“Yes. Yes, I’ll marry you! Can I try the ring on?”
“That was the general idea.”
It was a perfect fit. She suspected that Casey might have had something to do with that. While she admired it from multiple angles, he rose to his feet and snapped the box closed.
“I realize the ring’s the main event,” he said, “but what about the fiancé?”
She stepped forward, took his face between her hands, just like she had that first time outside Alfie’s, and kissed him. His arms closed around her and he pulled her hard against him. His heart, beating steady and strong inside his chest, felt like home. She could see the two of them growing old together, with love and respect and dignity, the same way that Dad and Casey were growing old together. While their journey home to each other hadn’t been the same as that of her parents, it had taken almost as long. She’d fallen in love with this man when she was fifteen years old, and she’d never fallen back out of love. Like puzzle pieces, they completed each other, filled the holes inside each other’s empty spaces. His strengths, her weaknesses, all their little quirks of personality, were woven together like a fine tapestry.
“Since we’re officially engaged now,” he said, when they finally came up for air, “you might want to call your dad. He’s waiting.”
“For what?”
“For your answer. I asked him for your hand in marriage.”
“You didn’t! Oh, how I wish I could have been there to witness that!”
“It wasn’t half as scary as I thought it would be.”
“Dad’s a marshmallow. He just pretends to be tough.”
“I pretty much already knew that. Still, a man doesn’t want to strike out with the father of the woman he intends to marry.”
“Does this mean you’ll take the job? Can I toss all these résumés and stop interviewing people?”
“I’ll take the job, but don’t toss anything. I have a security team to put together. We’ll probably be calling some of these people back for a second interview.”
It meant he would be on the road with her. No more long-distance relationships. No more lengthy separations. They’d be a team in every sense of the word.
“I don’t know how you feel about this,” he said, “but I promised you a Vegas wedding the first time around, and we never made it that far. If what you want is some gigantic affair that takes nine months to plan, that’s fine with me. But I just wanted to put the suggestion on the table. If you’d like to finish what we started twelve years ago, I’d be willing. We could go tonight.”
Tonight. They could be married tonight. They could bring things full-circle, starting back up where they’d left off twelve years ago. Paige thought about their large, loving, and obnoxiously intermarried extended family. She adored every one of those people. If she eloped, there’d be no first dance with her dad. No bouquet tossing, no champagne toast, no chicken dance or cheesy wedding band. But the family would understand. Even Dad would speak to her again. Eventually. Her love for Mikey was a private deal. She didn’t need white lace and wedding bells and a multi-tiered cake to be married. All she needed was Mikey and a couple of witnesses. And she had a pretty good idea where she could find them.
“I think,” she said, “that a Vegas wedding sounds perfect.”
And she kissed him again and went to tell Lucy to charter a plane.
THE END
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Laurie Breton has been writing since she was eight years old. The author of the acclaimed Jackson Falls Series, she lives in a small town in Maine with her husband and two Chihuahua-mix dogs named River and Bella. When she's not writing, you may find her at the beach with her camera, rocking out at a Bon Jovi concert, exploring the streets of Boston, or simply driving the back roads of Maine, looking for inspiration. She loves to hear from readers! You can reach her at [email protected]
Face the Music: Beyond Jackson Falls Book 1 Page 35