by Sara Mack
James gives me a sad, broken look. “I don’t ever want to think of you dead.”
I mirror his sad expression. “It happens to everyone, eventually,” I say gently. Propping myself up to look him in the eye, I ask, “How does it work?”
James looks at me intently, seriously, then reaches out and touches my cheek, running two fingers from my temple to my chin. “When the time comes for you to pass,” he closes his eyes and blanches at the thought, “I will be allowed to give up my Guardianship to be with you, if you so choose.”
My mouth falls open in surprise. “Really?”
He opens his eyes as he nods. “You are my true love. Only a true love can release a Guardian.”
“So it’s all up to me?”
“Well, yes; I mean it’s a mutual decision, but…”
“But...?”
“It rarely ever happens.”
“I will choose to be with you,” I say, determined.
James shakes his head. “Not so fast.” He pauses and sighs. “How do I put this?”
Impatiently awaiting his answer, I sit up and face him.
“I left you unexpectedly,” he frowns. “I will never love again the way I was able to love you; you will be it for me.”
Tears prick my eyes. I reach for his hand, and he sits upright, facing me, our fingers intertwined.
“You have a lot of life left to live,” he says softly, looking at our hands. “You will find love again, as do most people who lose someone. You will build a life with this person; a life you can never have with me.” He looks into my eyes. “It’s very rare for a person to pass then choose to spend eternity with their first love, Guardian or not. People usually choose to spend eternity with the one they are the most tied to; the one they have the most memories with.”
“I have the most memories with you,” I reassure him.
“For now. But that’s what I meant with the questions before. Do you think you’re going to be able to live a long, full life alone? Unable to tie yourself to anyone else? No partner, no kids – waiting for me? I don’t think so.”
The idea of falling in love with someone else is absurd. “I’m not going to find anyone else.”
James shakes his head, frustrated. “Emma, you can’t know that.”
“I’m not going to have this fight with you,” I say calmly. “There is a way for us to be together one day.” I lean forward, so we’re nearly nose to nose. “I will choose you.”
James’ face softens slightly as he gives me a sad smile.
“What is it?”
“I’m not going to lie. I love hearing you say that.”
“Get used to it,” I smile and lean in to him.
I feel the cold concentrate on my lips. It stays there and moves against me for a few moments, then travels to the corner of my mouth, along my jaw, then trails down my neck. When he reaches my collarbone, a shiver runs through my entire body, making me jump.
James laughs. “Chilly?”
“Just the opposite,” I admit, blushing.
James wraps me in his arms, kissing the top of my head. “What am I going to do with you?” he laughs softly against my hair.
“Stop doubting my love,” I say against his chest.
He pulls away to look at me. “I don’t doubt that you love me,” he says sincerely. “I’m just not sure I’ll be able to keep up with the competition.”
I grimace as I let out an exasperated sigh. “There is no competition!”
He gives me a wary look.
“Let’s not talk about that anymore,” I say as I move back and rest against the pillows. “Come here,” I reach for him.
James relaxes and shifts to lie down with me, folding himself into my arms. He lays his head against my chest and holds me as our legs intertwine. I reach down to pull up my comforter again. I lie there, mindlessly running my fingers through his hair, amazed that I’m able to do this. My hand feels no texture, only cool air, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
After a few moments, James sighs contentedly. “I’ve missed this.”
“Me too.” We used to spend hours wrapped like this while we watched television or just talked. It’s so comfortable, I yawn. “Will you be able to visit me tomorrow?” I ask.
“I think I can arrange that.”
A grin spreads across my face and I can’t help but sound excited. “We have the whole day.”
“Does that make you happy?” he teases.
“Very.”
“Do you want to turn off the light?” he asks, shifting to look up at me.
I gaze at him. The fact that I am able to look at him, look into those blue eyes again, astounds me. Without the light, I won’t be able to see him. “No,” I whisper.
He smiles and kisses my nose. “Good night.”
“Good night.”
James lays his head back down.
“I love you,” I say.
“Until the end of forever,” he murmurs against my chest.
Chapter 16
“I’m here.”
I hear James’ voice as soon as my eyes open. I look around the room and it appears I’m alone.
“I didn’t want you to freak out like yesterday,” he teases.
“When can I see you?”
“Soon.”
“Soon? Don’t they tell time where you are?” I ask, annoyed.
James laughs. “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?”
“No,” I pout. “I woke up alone.”
“I’ll work on that,” he promises. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Watch out for…”
Silence. “What?” No response. “James? Watch out for what?”
No answer. He must be gone for now. I sigh and roll out of bed.
After breakfast, I was recruited by my parents to help in the yard, which I didn’t mind because it passed the time. Shel decided to spend our unpaid vacation day with her mother and attend a family Memorial Day get-together. By mid-afternoon, with the yard work done and Shel away, I was starting to get bored and impatient. Even with my brother and Kate stopping by for our small barbeque, I was still distracted, waiting for James.
I stare out over the backyard, thinking. Would we do more of the same today? What excuse could I use to abandon my family, so I could spend time with him? What if he doesn’t show up until tonight? My heart sinks at the thought. I want to spend as much time with him as possible. This waiting is killing me. I need to know more about him, like what his limitations are, when he can come and go, things like that. I start to compile a mental list of questions.
“Hello? Earth to Emma.”
I blink and refocus to see Kate waving her hand in front my face. The movement makes her mousy brown ponytail bob.
“Are you finished?” she asks, reaching for my plate.
I look at the half-eaten hamburger. “Yeah, sure, thanks.”
“Everything okay?” she asks as she stands.
Little does she know that things are so much better than the last time I saw her. I smile. “Yes, things are great. Just a little bored, I guess.”
Kate looks surprised by my response, but smiles at me anyway. “If you want something to do, why don’t you take Jake for a walk?” she suggests. “I think he’s tired of being tied up.”
I look over at Jake, Mike and Kate’s yellow lab puppy, lying under the shade of our big maple tree. He’s about three months old and so darn cute. “Yeah, I think I’ll do that. Thanks,” I say and head over to untie Jake. “I’ll take him over to the park.”
“’Kay. Make sure you take a poop bag,” she says over her shoulder as she heads into the house with our plates.
“C’mon Jake,” I bend down to meet him as he jumps up. I scratch behind his ears and ask him in a silly baby voice, “Who wants to go for a walk?” He licks my hand. I untie the leash, grab a plastic bag from Kate’s purse, and head to the park.
I follow Jake’s wagging tail as we head up t
he road and across the street. When we get to the park, the main beach is crowded for the holiday. Every picnic table near a grill is occupied, the small play area is teeming with kids, and a line has formed outside the concession stand.
“Let’s go this way, Jake,” I steer him to the left. “You’ll like the trail.”
Jake and I start our walk on the main nature trail the circles the park. I laugh to myself as he investigates – and pees on – just about everything. He’s excited and yanks my arm forward several times. There is no leisurely pace with him. “You’re going to wear me out,” I lightheartedly scold him. “But I forgive you because you’re cute.”
“You’re pretty cute yourself.”
I turn around to see James standing a few feet away, smiling at me. A huge grin breaks across my face.
“You’re here!” I say, my voice filled with relief, as he walks toward me. When he gets within reach, he wraps his cool arms around my waist and kisses my forehead.
“Hello.”
“Hi,” I breathe.
He smiles down at me. “Babysitting?”
“Just taking Jake for a walk to pass the time.”
James takes a step back in order to kneel down. He reaches toward Jake. “Hey there buddy,” he says playfully.
Jake turns his head to look at James, and then trots over to where he’s kneeling. To my amazement, he licks James’ outstretched hand and jumps up slightly, begging to be scratched. James obliges, but it doesn’t appear that Jake feels it.
“He…You…he…” I stutter.
James grins up at me. “Yep,” he answers my unasked question.
“How?”
James finishes petting Jake and stands. “Haven’t you ever heard that animals have a sixth sense?”
I give him a confused look.
“Let’s walk,” he suggests.
As Jake leads us down the trail, two older women pass us in the opposite direction. They smile at Jake and then at me, oblivious to James. Once the ladies are out of ear shot, I whisper, “Why can’t they see you?”
His hand slides into mine, and the cool feeling radiates up my arm. “Because I only have permission to reveal myself to you.”
I smile; his reason makes me feel special. “What have you been doing?” I ask.
“A little of this, a little of that.”
“Can’t you tell me?”
“What do you want to know?”
I give him an annoyed look. “Like only a million things.”
“Just a million?” he teases.
We come up on a bench set to the side of the nature trail next to a sign about indigenous plants. I head to it and take a seat, then look at James expectantly. “If I ask you some questions will you give me answers?”
“I’ve been waiting for an inquisition.” He sits next to me and places his hand on my knee. “Fire away.”
I watch Jake wind his leash around the bench leg as I retrieve my mental list of queries. “How did you become a Guardian?”
James’ expression turns distant. “Garrett. Garrett gave me the choice.”
“Garrett, your Guardian?” I ask.
He nods.
“What were your choices?” I ask softly.
“To become a Guardian or continue on to Heaven.”
My eyes light up at the thought. “Heaven exists?”
James nods.
“Why didn’t you choose Heaven? Why get a choice at all?”
James pauses, thinking, as his thumb traces a cold circle on my knee. “I was given a choice because I was a Ward with a life well-lived…a Ward who died before he was supposed to. Garrett told me that I could choose to become a Guardian, live in the Intermediate, and watch over my loved ones...watch over you. So I bound myself to the choice, despite the consequences.”
I blink. “What consequences? What’s a Ward?”
He smiles. “All humans are Wards. You are a Ward.”
“Are you my Guardian?”
“No, but you have one.”
“Does everyone have one?”
“Yes.”
“Have you met mine?”
James looks amused. “Yes.”
This is intriguing. “Who is it? Is it someone I know?”
“I’m not allowed to share that information. But it’s someone you’ve never met.”
He removes his hand from my knee and drapes his arm around my shoulders. The chill that glides down my spine feels like an icy stream of water and it distracts me. I pause to think. James waits patiently, brushing his fingers back and forth over my skin.
“Can you tell me who your Ward is?” I finally ask.
He shakes his head. “I don’t have one.”
“Why not?”
“I haven’t completed my training.”
Jake bumps my foot, and I bend over to unwind his leash. “So, what is it that you do for us Wards?” I ask as I work at unwinding Jake.
“We guide and protect you.”
“Like Guardian Angels?”
“Similar. Minus the wings.”
When Jake is successfully unwound, I sit back up. “Do other people see and hear Guardians?”
“It’s up to a Guardian how they want to reveal themselves, if at all,” he explains. “I reveal myself only to you, but once I’m trained I can appear to others if necessary. You’ve heard of people called mediums, right? People who interact with the dead?”
I nod.
James smiles. “They are interacting with Guardians.”
My mouth falls open. “Really?”
He nods. “Most Guardians work invisibly though. You know the feeling you sometimes get when you know something is wrong or off? Like your conscience tells you ‘this might be dangerous?’”
“Guardian?” I guess.
“Right,” James says.
“Your intuition is really your Guardian?”
“Yes.”
I think I’m catching on to this and start guessing. “Déjà vu?”
“Guardian.”
“Pre-cognition?”
“Guardian.”
“Creepy feeling that you saw something move out of the corner of your eye and nothing’s there?”
“Guardian.” James grins. “Pretty cool, huh?”
I nod and Jake bumps my foot again. “Geez, Jake, could you stay in one spot?” I start to unwind him.
“He needs to walk. Let’s keep going,” James says and stands.
With Jake freed, we continue around the nature trail, following the freshly mowed curve. James walks by my side with his arm around my waist. I know it’s not the most ideal situation, but I could really get used to this. We walk in silence, enjoying each other’s company, until another question pops into my mind.
“What determines how long you can visit me?”
“Not what, who. Garrett calls me back when I have to go.”
“What do you have to leave me for?”
“I’m in training, remember?”
“Oh yeah, the consequences.”
James stops walking. I take a few steps and turn around. “What is it?”
His expression turns serious and his blue eyes darken. He takes two strides toward me, so we’re standing nearly nose to nose. He gazes at me intently. “I chose to be a Guardian so I could stay near you,” he says quietly.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“When I’m assigned a Ward, I won’t be able to spend as much time with you,” he admits.
“When will that be?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, we’ll make the most of our time while we have it.” I reach up to place my hand against the side of his face. “It’s too bad you can’t be my Guardian. We could spend every day together.”
James shakes his head no. “There are rules.”
“Rules?”
His hand slides under my chin and instinctively I lean forward. He places a gentle kiss on my lips. “Guardians cannot be romantically involved with their Wards. If I were your G
uardian, I could no longer love you, and you could not release me from my Guardianship when you die. Do you know how excruciating it would be for me to guide and protect you without being allowed to love you?”
Tears unexpectedly spring to my eyes. “Why is it so bad to love your Ward?”
“Guardians care for their Wards like a brother loves a sister. Anything stronger would cloud a Guardians judgment. A Ward must lead a life well-lived by making decisions on their own; I would be too tempted to intervene. Wards require guidance, not intervention.”
I search his face. “Are there any other rules I should know about?”
“I’m bound to be a Guardian for eternity. There will be no Heaven for me.”
“Until I release you,” I remind him. “I’m your true love, remember?”
“If you release me,” he says softly, his eyes giving away his worry.
“Hey, I thought we already discussed this,” I gently chastise him. “I will choose you.”
James gives me a sad smile. “We’ll see.”
A young couple rounds the corner of the trail walking hand in hand. I turn abruptly to adjust my stance and pull Jake’s leash to get his attention. I steal a glance at James, and we start to walk up the trail again.
“Have you gone to see your parents?” I whisper once the people have passed us.
He wraps his cool arm around my waist. “I’ve checked in on them.”
“How are they?”
James doesn’t immediately respond. I look up to find his face impassive, his jaw tense. “They are in denial,” he says flatly.
“Denial?”
His eyes lock on mine. “There is no excuse for what they said to your parents,” he says sharply. “No excuse for their insensitive comments or their assumptions.”
My chest constricts with sadness and guilt. Of course he would know about their visit. He shouldn’t be angry with them. I did freak out at his funeral; I do blame myself for his accident. I look down and concentrate on Jake. “They are right, you know.”
“Right about what?”
I glance up at him; afraid to admit what I know is true. My chest tightens further and my lungs feel like they might burst. “I think they blame me for your accident just like I blame myself,” I whisper. The tears I was able to hold back earlier start to roll down my face.
“What? Emma that’s insane!” James sputters.