by Sara Mack
“You’ll never be able to push me away,” I say softly.
“I’m trying too hard to control things,” he says. “That’s why Guardians can’t be in love with their Wards. Do you see how that would be a problem? This is one thing I have to work on. Guidance, not control.”
“Is Garrett making you practice on me?”
“No, but he sees my behavior. Hence my, um, visit suspension.”
I don’t want to think about that. I frown. “How long will you be kept from visiting me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Will you be able to speak to me? To watch me?”
“All my time with you is now limited. That’s why I didn’t see you today with…him.”
“Oh.”
James moves to lie down and I follow suit. He wraps himself around me, our arms and legs intertwined. “Don’t forget about me while I’m away,” he whispers in my ear.
“Never.”
We lay in silence as the realization that we are going to be separated again sinks in. My heart feels like it’s in a vise and starts to beat erratically. James raises his head to look at me, concerned. “Are you okay? I can hear your heart.”
“No,” I rasp. “I need you.”
“And I you,” he says sadly. “Just remember that every second I’m allowed to be near you, I will be.”
I nod because my voice is stuck in my throat.
“It won’t be like before,” James tries to comfort me. “I’m not gone for good.”
I nod again, still trying not to hyperventilate. I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard so suddenly. I try to concentrate on bringing my breathing under control.
James leans forward and kisses me. It distracts me from my sudden panic attack. His kiss is urgent. I know this because I can feel him move against me; his mouth is the coldest I’ve ever felt. I open my eyes to physically see him and it’s as if he’s himself again, his whole self. My memory takes over as I remember what it was like to kiss him before his death. I hold on to that memory as I close my eyes again and it’s as if nothing has changed from that time; he is whole.
My memory allows me to see him, through closed eyes, and I reach up and grab his shoulder to pull him closer to me. I feel his cold, freezing touch at my hip. It travels to my waist and around my lower back, as if he is trying to press me closer to him. I shift my body forward to comply, since he cannot physically move me. His chilled mouth leaves mine and finds my neck, spending time there. Eventually his mouth grazes my ear and then is back on mine, hungry.
Gradually I feel his touch begin to warm around me. As he grows warmer, it’s almost like his body is transforming into his former self; I swear I can feel his weight on me. I gasp and open my eyes to see if what I’m feeling is real.
James stops kissing me and looks into my eyes. I’m shocked to see he is not becoming whole; he is becoming transparent and fading away.
“Don’t,” I beg and try to hold on to him.
James looks at me longingly as he becomes nearly invisible. “I love you,” he tells me. “Don’t forget.”
“I won’t. I can’t.”
He vanishes before my eyes.
I lay there for a moment, stunned, at what I’ve just seen. I slowly wrap my arms around myself and then curl up on my side. My eyes and throat burn with trapped emotion, but no tears come, there is no release. My sorrow is trapped inside me.
Inevitably, morning comes. I have not changed position; I have not slept. My alarm goes off, making me aware of the time. I don’t want to move; I don’t want to leave my bed. Spending the day distracted and stumbling my way through work doesn’t sound very enticing. I’m certain my irritability will carry over into my training with Dane again today. I don’t feel up to making excuses as to why I’m being so difficult to work with. I just want to lie here and think about James.
My alarm continues to sound, irritating me further. My muscles protest as I try to sit up. I roll on to my back, stretching my arms above my head and my feet in the opposite direction. I feel a sharp pinch in the side of my neck that radiates down my shoulder and through my shoulder blade.
“Argh!” I wince and tense up, realizing I pinched a nerve. Damn it! I focus on relaxing so that the pain will subside. After a few minutes the throbbing calms, but it still hurts. I manage to roll over slowly and shut off my annoying alarm. I stare at my bedroom ceiling, thinking about James in between the distracting throbs in my neck, until my bladder decides it’s necessary that I get up.
In the bathroom, I run a hotter-than-normal shower in order to soothe my aching muscles and aching heart. The promise of seeing James is what has been carrying me through my days. It has put a smile back on my face. I know he is not gone forever, that this situation is beyond our control. It’s the uncertainty of when he will be allowed to return that has made me so sad. I can’t help shake the feeling that I’m to blame for his restriction; if I didn’t need him around so badly, he would have spent more time on his training than with me and be farther along than he is. But, that would only assign him a Ward sooner rather than later, which will restrict our time together indefinitely. I let out a heavy sigh. Around and around we go. This is what we’re going to have to deal with for the rest of our lives…er, my life. Reconciling our time together with the roles we’ve both chosen. He chose to be a Guardian. I choose to stand by him until I can release him. It sounds so simple except for my selfish need to have him all to myself all of the time. I’m going to have to get over that somehow.
I step into the steamy shower and stand motionless as the water beats down on my body. Thoughts of James roll around in my head. He doesn’t blame me. I blame me. James loves me and I love him. He will come back to me. I visualize my feelings of sadness and guilt being carried away by the water as it runs down the shower drain. Goodbye blame. Goodbye guilt. Goodbye sadness.
Goodbye hot water.
Yikes! The water has instantly turned freezing. I fumble to turn off the faucet. Shaking from the chill, I yank the curtain aside and reach for my towel. Could this day get any worse? I didn’t even get a chance to wash my hair! I open the door and peek into the hall.
“Hello? Why is there no hot water?” I yell down the stairway.
“Let me check!” My father hollers up to me.
I wait impatiently as I hear him tromp down the basement stairs. Minutes pass and my hope of finishing my relaxing hot shower fades. Finally, I hear his heavy footsteps come back up the steps.
“Water heater pilot went out!” he yells up to me. “I re-lit it, but it’s going to take about an hour to heat up the tank!”
My pinched nerve throbs and icy tendrils of water drip down my back from my wet yet unwashed hair. My body shakes convulsively.
That’s it. I give up. I’m calling in sick today.
Chapter 20
BAM! BAM! BAM!
My reading is interrupted by loud thumps on the back door.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
I mark the spot in my book; I still haven’t made it though The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I uncurl my legs and walk to the back door, steadying the heat pack I have resting over my shoulder for my pinched nerve. It takes a minute for me to get out of the living room and into the kitchen.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
Holy impatient! “Just a minute!” I yell. Grasping the heat pack with one hand, I yank open the door with the other, simultaneously snapping, “Yes?” Blinking to clear my eyes, I see Matt standing on the step.
“Hey,” he says slowly.
“What are you doing here?” falls out of my mouth.
“I came to make sure you were okay.”
I stare at him confused. “How did you even know I was home?”
He shrugs. “Dane called me. Told me you’re sick.”
Is my life really that important to the two of them?
“So what’s wrong with you?” he asks.
“I pinched a nerve in my neck,” I nod toward the heat pack. “It’s no big deal.”
“Hmmm,” he says.
Matt stands on the step as uncomfortable seconds pass. He looks at his feet as I wonder what his real motivation is for coming here. It’s a sweet gesture to be concerned about me, but a phone call would have sufficed.
“Um, do you want to come in?” I ask, unsure of what more he could possibly want.
He perks up. “Can I?”
“Sure,” I step back as I open the door wider, “Come on in.”
He smiles and walks past me. Shutting the door, we head to the living room. I offer him a seat on the couch.
“Did I interrupt anything?” he asks as he sits.
I look at my book as I take a seat. “No, I was just reading.”
“Ah, Stieg Larsson,” he recognizes the author. “It’s too bad he passed away; I really enjoyed that trilogy.”
I look at him in surprise. Matt is such a big, athletic-looking guy, I would never have pegged him as a recreational reader.
“What?” he laughs. “I can read you know.”
“I’m sorry,” I shake my head. “Today has just been a weird day.”
He nods like he understands. The silence returns. We both look around the room in different directions. This is ridiculous. And strange.
“So,” I pause. “You stopped by because…?”
Matt gives me a small smile and looks embarrassed. He opens his mouth to speak, then closes it again, as if he is reconsidering his response. He looks down, and I notice his face start to flush.
Oh no. A ball of nerves starts to form and settle in my belly. What if James was right about him? I’ve always been a little slow when it comes to recognizing these things. Please no. Please don’t let this be what I think it is, I silently pray.
Matt looks at me again. “This is really hard for me to say…”
Aw man!
“…but I need your advice. About Shel. I think I really like her.”
I let out a heavy sigh and smile. I wish James were around to hear this! “Really?” I ask enthusiastically, relieved.
He slumps back on the couch and closes his eyes as if defeated. “I can’t stop thinking about her.”
“Really?” I ask him again.
He opens his eyes and smiles. “Is that the only thing you can say?”
I laugh. “No, I’m just surprised. I figured you two were into each other, but then Shel told me you weren’t, so I didn’t question it.”
“What did she say?” he warily asks.
“She told me you two were okay with what happened at your house and chalked it up to being drunk. She said you talked about it and everything was sorted out.”
Matt frowns.
“Except it’s not?” I guess.
“I thought it was,” he rubs his hand over his face. “I mean, we’ve always been friends; I didn’t expect what happened at the barbeque to happen. But it did, and that was the first time I thought maybe we could have something more. But when she told me it was a mistake, I agreed, because, well, I don’t want to make things uncomfortable between us.”
“I can understand that. But what about the second time you two talked? At the golf course?”
Matt chuckles. “I wanted to tell her I thought it was more, but she kept saying she was sorry and it was a mistake. I couldn’t get a word in, really. She’s pretty persistent.”
“You think?” My eyes widen. “She’s always had a way of getting what she wants.”
Matt’s smile fades a little. “Yeah, and I don’t think she wants me.”
I give him a sympathetic look. “I don’t know. She was pretty upset by what happened and was adamant about making sure you weren’t hurt. She seemed wrecked over the idea of ruining your friendship. Knowing Shel the way I do, I think she was trying to save herself the heartache of you possibly rejecting her.”
“You think?”
“When’s the last time you talked to her?”
“The day she left for Arizona. She called to ask me a favor.”
“What favor?”
Matt looks at me uncomfortably. Whoops. Maybe that’s too personal for me to know. “Sorry, you don’t have to tell me.”
“No, no. It’s about you anyway.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “What about me?”
He gives me a warning look. “Don’t tell her I told you. She’ll have my balls.”
“And you want to date this girl why?” I ask him with a smile.
He laughs. “She called and asked me to keep an eye on you. To fill in for her, if you will.”
Of course Shel didn’t believe me when I told her I would be fine. “I take it you agreed?”
“Yes. Besides, my being around came in handy when you got that flat tire.”
“Were you following me?” The thought kind of creeps me out.
Matt looks sheepish. “Kinda.”
My voice raises a few octaves. “Have you been following me?”
Guilt is written all over his face.
“Don’t you have anything better to do?!”
“Shel was very specific in her request.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “Lord, you have it bad for her. Listen, I’m fine. I hereby relieve you of your stalker duties.”
He grimaces, unsure.
“Honestly, I’m good. Things are much better than they were. Plus, with Dane working at the golf course now, you can – wait,” I stare at him accusingly. “Dane’s working at the course because of me, isn’t he?”
Matt holds his hands up in surrender. “Don’t be mad! I can’t follow you around 24/7 so I recruited a little help.”
My mouth falls open in shock as I think about the breakdown I had in front of Dane a few days ago. I’m sure that was reported as ‘Emma’s not doing so well. Increasing mission priority to Defcon 5.’ “Are you freaking kidding me?”
“We just want to make sure you’re all right. We all care about you. I meant what I said the other day. Anything for James’ girl.”
I look down and close my eyes to process this information. I know they mean well; Shel’s just being controlling like always and Matt is doing her bidding because he likes her. Dane only agreed to work with me to help Matt out. But do they all see me as helpless? Lost without James by my side? Capable of nothing?
I open my eyes and look directly into Matt’s. “How do you see me?”
I thought my question might throw him for a minute, but he responds immediately and just as pointed. “Strong.”
I give him an exasperated look. “Then what’s the point of all this? Do I miss James? Yes! Will I always miss him? Yes! Can I move on with my life? Yes!” Well, he doesn’t need to know that moving on in life still involves James.
“The point,” he sighs, “is that I miss James too. Don’t forget he was a friend to all of us. Well, not Dane. But you know what I mean.” He pauses, looking at his hands to gather his thoughts. “I think…I see you as strong because you were the closest to him. No one was closer or could have been closer. To see you survive his loss gives the rest of us the strength to do the same. This has been hard on us, but we realize it has been the hardest on you.” He looks me in the eye. “Being around you is kinda like having a piece of James still here with us. We don’t want to let that go. We know he would want you to be taken care of, so, here we are.”
I don’t know what to say. A realization hits me hard: I have amazing people in my life. And to know I can still interact with James and they can’t makes me sad. I wish I could share some of him with them. I make up my mind immediately. If being around me makes Shel and Matt feel closer to James, if it makes them feel better, who am I to deny them that? We need each other.
Spontaneously, I wrap my arms around Matt and hug him tightly. The heat pack falls to the ground, my neck and shoulder throb as I irritate my nerve, but I don’t care.
“Whoa!” he responds as he hesitantly wraps his arms around me to pat my back.
“Thank you,” I mumble into his shoulder. “I never thought of things that way.”
“Well, it’s true. At least for me it is, and I’m pretty sure Shel feels the same. You’re her best friend. James took care of you which made her happy. Now, I think she feels a responsibility to fill some of that void. Don’t be too hard on her. Or me.”
I sit back, releasing him. “I won’t,” I promise. “But can I ask you one favor?”
“What’s that?”
“Please stop following me around. It’s creepy.”
Matt laughs. “Well, now that you know what’s up I won’t have to be so covert.”
I smile. “We should hang out more, now that I know what it means to you.” And now that James will understand you’re not a threat.
“Well…” he looks down. “That was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Oh?”
“James’ birthday is on Monday,” he pauses to see my reaction.
Yes, I’ve realized this. “Go on,” I encourage him.
“I was thinking I should have a small get-together at my place this weekend to honor the day. I was going to invite some buddies of ours, some of our friends from school. I would really like it if you could be there.”
“That is really thoughtful of you.” I had hoped to spend the night with James as usual but now that that can’t happen, why not? “I’ll be there.”
He gives me a genuine smile. “Great.”
“Now, back to you and Ms. Shel…”
He looks embarrassed and rolls his eyes. “Yes?”
“You wanted advice,” I remind him.
“Well, you are her best friend and the only person I know that’s been in the same relationship for four years,” he teases, but then catches himself. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I’m still in that relationship, my mind chimes. “I think you should call her. Sooner rather than later.”