by Cat Mason
I know that I need to get my shit together before someone notices something is off between us— like Gunnar. Trying not to let my nerves get the best of me, I reach under the counter and toss a lube sample in his direction. Reaching out, he catches it with ease.
“What’s this for?”
“Oh, I figured you could use some. I wouldn’t want your new pocket pussy to dry out and hurt you.”
“How are you so sure that I bought a pocket pussy?”
I shrug easily. “Just assuming. You’ve been moody lately so I figured you must be havin’ a dry spell.”
Dixon throws the package back in my direction, but instead of attempting to catch it, I let it hit me in the chest and fall to the counter. Mark, thankfully, has gone back to working out back, but Lynsey can’t seem to drag her eyes from the scene in front of her.
“There is no such thing as a dry spell with me and assumptions will do nothin’ but get you in trouble, little girl. But do you know the best part of the word you just used, Kennedy? The first three letters are one of the best parts on a woman’s body. I am very much an ass man, therefore, there’s no need to ever worry about anything bein’ dry when I’m around. If it isn’t wet because of what I say and do, which it usually is and I’ve never had a complaint, but if it ever should happen, I’m stocked up just in case. There’s never a need for lack of anal because of lack of lubrication.”
I accidentally drop my pen but can’t pull myself away from his heated teasing eyes. I have to keep reminding myself that no one is supposed to know that anything is going on between us so I can’t climb over the counter right now and attack him. I squeeze my thighs together and Dixon’s eyes drop to where he can see them through the glass display under the counter. Based on the change in his breathing, and the slow track his eyes take to get back to my face, he knows exactly what he’s doing to me.
“A man after my own damn heart,” Lynsey laughs. “Now stop terrorizing the poor anal virgin and get out of here.”
He checks his watch. “Shit,” he mutters. “I gotta get to the station for my shift anyway. I’m sure I can resume pickin’ on you soon enough.”
I shake my head, knowing before the words are even out of my mouth, that I probably shouldn’t ask the question. “You came to buy sex toys before you went to work?”
“Hell yeah.” Backing out the door, he smirks at us. “Need somethin’ to think about other than a bunch of smelly fuckin’ guys. Thinkin’ about what I plan on doin’ with them is the perfect way to pass the time.”
The door closes as he backs away, hollering out a goodbye to Mark who probably can’t hear him from where he is.
“I hate you,” I tell Lynsey the second I can finally breathe. “Hate you with a deep burning passion.”
“They probably make a cream for that, but I’ve never had that issue so I can’t be sure.”
With her hands on her hips, she stares at me while I try to get back to work and get Dixon off my mind.
“What?” I finally break under her glare and look up at her.
“Seriously?” she screeches.
“What the hell are you bitching about?”
“I’m bitching about the fact that you’re still standing in the store instead of chasing him down and letting him fuck you stupid.”
I exhale slowly, trying to wrap my mind around everything that is rushing through it. “Lyn, wasn’t I talking about how this wasn’t supposed to keep happening a little while ago? How I don’t want to keep cheating on Gunnar because it isn’t fair to him? That means I can’t go chase him down just because he knows how to get to me.”
“Isn’t. Fair. To. Gunnar,” she repeats, rolling her eyes as she ticks the words off with her fingers. “Are you even listening to yourself? For as long as I can remember you’ve always put him first, always sacrificed what you wanted for what made him happy.”
“I was happy too,” I cut her off with a snap of my fingers.
“Mhm.” She nods slowly. “I get that. You’re a happy fuckin’ couple. Everything has always been perfect in your marital bliss. You’re neglecting to see that one word you just used. Was. That’s past tense, in case you missed it, meaning until now. What about you? What about what you want, what you need?”
“I want, need, and love Gunnar. I can live without sex, but not without him.”
“Until the fact that you realize something is missing from your life. That shit starts eating away at you, honey, and you’ll be even more miserable than you are now. Monogamy gives people unrealistic expectations. I’m a firm believer that no single person can give someone every single thing that they need, especially when they can’t seem to communicate the way they should. Do you know why I like how I am?”
“You’re only seeing this from my perspective, not Gunnar’s. If he finds out, it will crush him. It will destroy everything, not just a marriage. The other day, when I thought someone had seen Dixon and me, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. It was the most horrible feeling in the world, Lyn, I can’t take that.”
“First of all, no, I am seeing it from Gunnar’s side as well, but hold on and answer me. Do you know why I like the way I live my life?”
“Why should I answer you? You’re gonna just tell me anyway.”
She smirks at me, then shakes her head. “I like the way I live my life, the lifestyle I chose, because it’s all about trust and communication. No relationship works if those two things aren’t in place. It’s a foundation you must build the rest of your relationship on in order for it to be sturdy. I don’t have to worry about upsetting people, or anyone ending up hurt— including myself— because open and honest communication is established upfront and maintained throughout the relationship.”
“Yeah, well, I’m a bit past the point of open communication with this situation, don’t you think?” I snap.
Mark steps through the door again and Lynsey turns the aggravation that I can tell is sitting just under the surface around on him. “Get your ass back out back until I tell you differently,” she demands. Without questioning her, he turns back around and closes the door firmly behind him. “The fact that you have never truly been completely honest with your husband about what you need from him is not my fault, so don’t cop an attitude with me about it. If you had, maybe you wouldn’t be in the situation you’re in now, but here you are. You and I both know you need what Dixon gives you. If you give it up, and deny yourself that inner desire, it’s going to simmer below the surface until you have nothing inside you left for Gunnar but resentment. Then what? He’ll notice something is wrong sooner or later—if he hasn’t already— because you won’t be happy and your marriage will fall apart anyway.” Taking a breath she tries to calm herself down. “You’ve always put everyone before yourself, Kennedy. It’s who you are and I wouldn’t change who you are for anything. The only thing you can do now is to figure out what you really want, and go from there.”
“I want Gunnar,” I argue. “It’s always been Gunnar.”
“I’ve known you your entire life, Kennedy. I know you love him, but sometimes it’s not always that simple. The part of you that you keep trying to deny yourself is just as much a crucial part of you as what you have with him. Denying yourself something so vital is like refusing yourself the right to breathe. It’s a part of you that you can’t control, no matter how hard you try.”
I’m on the verge of completely losing my shit and I know it, so I close my eyes and try to tune her out before it happens. When I finally think I have a grip on myself I open them back up only to find her directly in my face and fuming because I was ignoring her.
“Don’t even attempt to tune me out. You know damn well that it won’t work and you know that I’m right. Get your ass out of my store and figure your shit out.”
“I don’t even know where to begin,” I mumble, completely ashamed that I don’t know what to do with my situation.
“You know what you need and you know where to get it. As much as I don’t want to be i
n the middle and lie to Gunnar because I love him too, if you need me to cover for you until you figure out what you’re going to do, I will. Because having to cover for you to see you whole and happy, is better than not helping you at all and watching you lie to yourself and slowly fall apart. I don’t want to watch you fall apart, Kennedy.”
“Don’t get all sappy and emotional on me, you whore. You’re supposed to be the strong one here.”
I’m so unbelievably torn. The battle wages within me on what to do. I am at a fork in the road and once I make a decision there is no going back. My stomach flips and my hands shake as the list of reasons not to go to Dixon are stacked against the reasons that I have to go to him. Fear weighs down my chest at the thought of Gunnar finding out, but at the same time, I am afraid of what will happen if I deny myself what I need and lose myself entirely.
There is no easy answer, no right choice, but I have to make one.
Kennedy, who are you kidding? You never had a choice in the first place. Dixon made that choice for you after too much to drink and a kiss that changed every fucking thing forever.
“I’m the strong one, never doubt that. Which is exactly why I told you to get the hell out of my store and figure your shit out. If Gunnar calls or shows up I’ll tell him you went to get something for the store and I’ll let you know.”
Slowly filling my lungs, I push off the counter and grab my keys. “I’m going to hell.”
“I’m counting on it,” she yells behind me as I push my way through the door. “You bring lemons, I’ll bring the tequila.”
My hands tremble when I reach for the emergency brake and shut the car off. I’m not positive what I’m going to do now that I’m here and that terrifies me, but I know I need to do what Lynsey told me to and figure out what I need because if I don’t I’m going to lose my mind. If what I need is something that Dixon can give me, and not have it tear my life apart, maybe it’s what I need to do. Checking my reflection in the rearview mirror I make sure that there is no trace left of my near meltdown at the shop. Stepping out, I slam the door behind me and take a deep breath before heading through the open empty bay door.
Yep, I’m a whore and am definitely going to hell for what I’m doing.
“Hey, Kennedy.” Ryan scares the hell out of me by stepping up behind me and whispering in my ear. I jump, nearly coming out of my skin and cover my racing heart with my hand.
“Damn it, Ryan. I hate it when you do that.”
“And yet, I keep doing it, and you still seem to never expect it,” he chuckles, stepping around me.
“Payback’s a bitch.”
He shrugs, a slight smile playing on his lips. “Do your worst.” Turning away from me, he changes the subject. “You lookin’ for Tin Man?”
He hasn’t seen me, I can still walk away…
“What’re you doin’ here, Sunshine?” Goosebumps spread across my skin. Well there goes that idea, but based on the way my body reacted to the tone of his voice when he just spoke, I’m not sure I would have been able to turn around anyway.
When I look away from Ryan and find Dixon, I have to clamp my jaw closed to keep my tongue from falling out of my mouth. Over the years I’ve seen Dixon in almost every state of undress and have never reacted like this, but now that I know what his body feels like when it’s weighing me down everything is different. I try to hide my reaction since Ryan is still standing here, but it’s hard.
“Weren’t you headed to the store to stock the kitchen for the week, Ox?” Dixon asks without moving from where he’s leaning against the office doorframe.
“Yeah, I was just headin’ out when I saw her and figured I’d say hi. I’m leavin’ now, text me if you think of anything else we’re gonna need.”
Without even saying goodbye, Ryan walks away and jumps into his truck. Nothing new there. Ryan isn’t a man of many words, so I wouldn’t expect anything else. With two trucks missing from their spots, I know we’re more than likely alone down here so I don’t hide the fact that I’m eyeing him anymore. Starting at the boots on his feet, I let my eyes roam up the turnout pants he has on, stopping for a minute to admire the way the blue Station-1 t-shirt stretches across his muscular chest and tan arms. I let myself imagine for half a second what he could do with the suspenders holding his pants up before continuing up to the usual five o’clock shadow on his face. When I finally reach his eyes there is a challenge behind them, tempting me to make a move.
“Are you done?” he asks.
“Done what?” I swallow, trying to get my mouth to not feel like I’ve been eating sand all day.
“Done starin’ at me like you’re tryin’ to figure out the fastest way to remove my gear to get to what you really want.” I look wide-eyed around the station to make sure that there really isn’t anyone around to hear what he said. “It’s just me out here, Sunshine. Tech team is out on a call, engine one’s at the school doin’ a demonstration and Ryan just pulled out. The office ladies are upstairs workin’ and they’ll call out station two before me because of everyone bein’ gone right now. So, tell me why you’re here.”
“Why are you in gear?” I ask, completely sidestepping his question because I’m not sure how to answer him.
Dixon pushes off the wall and saunters toward me, hooking his fingers in the suspenders near his hips. “They’re new and I was makin’ sure they fit when I heard your voice. Still wonderin’ what you’re doin’ here, Sunshine.”
He stops a few steps in front of me, but it’s still close enough that I have to tilt my head up to see his face. I want to reach up and drag my fingers across his stubble, but thankfully, I manage to contain myself. “I don’t know.” My answer is honest, but definitely not what he wanted to hear.
“Don’t lie to me, Kennedy. You know why you came just as much as I do. I know it wasn’t just to visit or get a tour. You’ve been here multiple times but I don’t remember the last time you showed up alone, especially when you’re supposed to be at work.”
“I don’t know,” I repeat, forcing my voice to be stronger this time. “I have no clue why I came, but I came to see you.”
“It better have been to come see me, because if it was anyone else in this house we’d have a problem.” Dixon takes a step closer. “But you just saw me a little while ago at the shop, so try again.”
“Sorry, that’s all I’ve got, Dixon. I’m not sure why I came, but I came to see you.” I shrug.
Pursing his lips, he nods slowly. “So what you’re sayin’ is you got all worked up by what happened at the shop and you needed some help from me.”
“If it was that I would just take care of it myself.”
“The not-so-subtle thigh clench at the store told me that what I was sayin’ got to you. So by all means, don’t let me stop you from takin’ care of the issue.”
I don’t know what comes over me, but I actually reach for the button on my jeans without hesitating. The only thing I can think is that the challenge in his eyes must have gotten to me for a second. Growling, Dixon grabs my wrists and pushes me back a few steps, pinning my hands above my head when my back hits the wall that separates the bay doors. The knowledge of how to breathe escapes me for a second and when I finally manage to start back up, I wish I hadn’t because he is all I can smell.
“Never touch a flame that you can’t tame, Kennedy. If I create the fire, I’m the only one allowed to put it out.” Fire and heat are exactly what Dixon consists of, and I swear being this close to something so hot is going to get me burned.
“Allowed?” I challenge, trying to pull my hands out of his grip but it’s useless to even try. “I think my husband would have something to say about that.”
“He’d probably have a lot to say if he knew what was goin’ on between us, but he doesn’t and it needs to stay that way.” Leaning down, he shifts so he can look directly in my eyes. “So tell me why you came to me instead of him considerin’ the fact that we both said last time was the last time anything would happen bet
ween us.”
“Stupid mistake I guess.” The look in his eyes change for a second before they’re back to the heated and taunting and he shakes his head.
“No. Do you wanna know why you showed up here, Kennedy? Because I know.”
“Well why don’t divulge your secret knowledge, Mr. Hale, because it’s pretty damn obvious to me that I have no idea.”
“You showed up here because you want me, Kennedy.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Mmm, yeah. But not only do you want me, you’re startin’ to realize you need what I can give you.” All I can do is shake my head at his words and it does nothing but make him smile. “Lyin’ to me is one thing, but lyin’ to yourself is completely different. Believe me, I know. We both know that I give you somethin’ Gunnar isn’t or you wouldn’t keep comin’ back for more.”
I dart my tongue out, wetting my lips and Dixon’s eyes drop to them. “This wasn’t supposed to keep happening, Dixon.”
“No shit,” he admits. “It wasn’t supposed to happen at all, but it did. And guess what, now I can’t get you out of my fuckin’ head and all I wanna do is hear my name on your lips when you’re tremblin’ underneath me. If I’m near you, I wanna touch you and I don’t care who is watchin’. I want you to ache because of me, and I want it to be an ache that only I can make go away. I wanna make you need me. Do you know how much of a fuckin’ piece of shit that makes me feel like?”
“Probably about as much as the one I feel like knowing I already do,” I mumble.
He’s trying to hold himself back. I can see it in his posture, the tick in his jaw. I can feel it in the flex of his fingers on my wrist and the change in his breathing. I don’t like knowing he’s trying to stop himself from doing something he wants because he isn’t sure where I stand on everything. All because I don’t know how the hell to say it. He’s been the one to start this the other times, and now having him holding back is killing me and that tells me everything I need to know. Even if I don’t quite understand it.