by Meg Xuemei X
“Like letting men have concubines?” I narrow my eyes on him with a sharp look.
He laughs again. “My hothead Xire.” He then turns to Juie and says something to him.
Three hunters are sitting around the bonfire when Juie, Kai, and I enter from the edge of the untamed forest. Kai filled me in on who they are on our way over. The tall, reverent looking man is Rac, Kai’s martial arts master. Rac has Zen manner. “Rac used to have nice, long hair down to his shoulders, but he had it cut because he didn’t want to spend too much time shampooing it.” Kai provides me with more details.
Do I really need to know Rac’s hygiene habits? I decide to tolerate this insignificant information because, as a Chinese idiom says, “When you’re fond of one, your affection extends to whom he loves.”
Sitting beside Rac is Alekes, a female martial arts master with a strong jaw and gray eyes. I’ve never met a female warrior before, so my eyes fix on her.
They all look too good to be living in this town. Over my suspicious look, Kai laughs. “When it’s winter, they come here to hunt.”
“Are they really as good at fighting as they claim?” I ask.
“They haven’t claimed anything,” Kai says. “But Rac and Alekes once took down a group of six armed thugs.”
“Seven.” Juie grins.
“Nice. They can just beat whoever gets in their way,” I say with a tone of envy and viciousness.
“Beating people isn’t what martial arts is about.” Kai shoots me a disapproving look. “To practice martial arts is to master the mind. Once you’ve learned that, you overcome yourself and the world around you. I got into many fights when I was a kid just to show other kids I could beat them up. It took my masters years to show me the way.”
“Fine,” I say, not appreciating the lecture.
Showing my respect for Kai, before I find a place to sit near the bonfire, I breathe out a quick and awkward hello to his friends, which is the best I can do. I’m not used to greeting people. To my gratitude, the masters don’t seem to mind my detached manner. They don’t embarrass me by attempting small talk either, but I sense their kindness toward me. Gradually, I become more relaxed.
My mind chases the scent of deer meat. Pretending to warm my feet and hands, I inch closer to where the deer is roasting above the fire.
Kai cuts a chunk of meat from the deer leg and brings it to me on a plate. Pleased, I bite deep into the meat. It sweetness delights my tongue. Chewing the meat, I watch Kai, who is reconnecting with his mentors. The flashy boy is gone. Here, he’s just a young, raw, and real Kai. Another side of him that adds to his appeal.
My eyes trail from Kai to the depth of the forest, then to a bright-eyed, young apprentice. I hear Rac call him Tsue. After Tsue diligently feeds more wood into the bonfire, he sits back on a rock, eating a Vegan cookie, pondering on the fire.
Kai comes back to me and notices my new interest.
“Tsue is a vegetarian,” Kai says.
An animal lover on a hunting trip?
“Old habits die hard.” Kai smiles. “My Xire has to suspect everyone and everything.”
I blush.
He passes me a wineskin that holds water. “Life is full of conflict. As a martial arts student, Tsue is learning to cope with that.”
“Good luck,” I murmur, and Tsue shoots me a look before averting his gaze and adding more firewood. The blazing fire changes shapes and colors.
Having been fed, and feeling warm and content, I nest my cheek on Kai’s strong shoulder, listening to the hunters tell bonfire tales. Kai wraps his arm around my waist. For the first time, there is no scent of paint on him. He smells of fire and smoke and earth and rain. I close my eyes to get acquainted with his new scent.
I understand what he’s trying to do. He wants to expose me to a broader world and let me experience human contact outside of just him. He wants to show me a good life and share it with me.
The night deepens the dancing shadows of the surrounding trees. Soon I must go home. I stare into the bonfire, craving to break the bonds of my family more than anything.
Right after I turn off the light in my room and slip under my ragged comforter, I hear the grating sound of keys outside the door, and then the front door creaks open. The inside of me immediately goes frigid as I distinguish my mother’s footsteps coming toward my room. I shut my eyes, even my breath, and remain motionless.
The moonlight shines through the window, falling on my face, and I curse its brightness. My mother halts at the doorway to my room. I can sense her eyes, predatory and lewd, boring into me.
Two more years, I curl my cold palms into fists, whispering to myself, I’ll be gone and I’ll never look back.
CHAPTER TEN
THE CAT’S OUT
I tread along the passage under Kai’s window after school. A blanket of noise, laughter, and music from his studio booms so loudly that I can feel the ground complaining about the vibration. Kai leans on the railing of the open corridor, watching me. I know he’s been waiting for me to come home so he can catch a glimpse of me before I disappear into my apartment building.
I tilt my head to one side to acknowledge him. A smile sparks in his eyes, which makes me ache to be in his arms.
A flashy motion rips the moment between us. A boy stalks out of the studio and stands beside Kai, still laughing. He says something to Kai. His voice is captivating with a sexy Southern accent.
I guess Randi has finally arrived.
I quicken my pace with a straight face.
From behind the curtain in my room, I see that Kai’s still in the corridor, looking at my window with expectation. Randi is talking like a machine gun.
He’s half an inch taller than Kai, but thinner. His hair avalanches over his shoulders, which goes well with his white sweater, white wool pants, and long, light gray scarf. He looks Kai’s age. I have to admit that he’s also hot, but in a different way than Kai. My boyfriend looks like a warrior, and Randi’s every fiber broadcasts an artist. Everyone can see he’s put an effort into emphasizing the impression.
The light of the setting sun outlines the length of them. If Randi would stop chatting for a minute, the two boys would make a perfect picture. I thought only females were entitled to such beauty. I see males are no less.
My gaze fixes on Kai, clad in cool black. He absent-mindedly responds to his friend’s jokes. I have a hunch that Randi is going to cause considerable trouble for us.
For two days, Kai can’t find a chance to spend time with me. Randi never lets him leave his sight, keeping tabs on him twenty-four seven. The third night, Kai finally throws his friend off his trail and we meet at the Ducklings’ Nest.
“Randi’s onto me. He’s heard gossip about me secretly seeing a girl,” Kai says.
“How long is he going to stay?” I ask.
“He usually stays for a few months,” he says. “But I’m going to send him to Pau’s place for the weekend, so you and I can spend time together tomorrow.”
I stuff my hands into his pocket for warmth, and he immediately holds me tighter.
Saturday turns out to be unnaturally warm, which feels like the peak of the summer. Warmth is good to cheer up the mood, but creates an obstacle for Kai and me. Crowds mill around the Nest, as if they’ve just been released from prison.
“Why don’t you come to my studio instead?” he says. “It’s been a while since you came to my place. Wear a disguise. You’ll fool the neighbors. Besides, I want to show you my new painting.”
I haven’t been to his studio for a long time. I assume that the neighbors have given up spying on me. And I’m dying to check out his new painting. I’d also love to open my music box again and watch the lovers dance to its tune.
The moment my parents head for their gambling house, I pull out a hat, a pair of glasses, a long scarf, and my brother’s old coat from the bottom of a carton packed with old shoes.
In the long alley, when I’m alone, I quickly drag out my gear from a
big black plastic bag and put it on, and then walk back toward Kai’s studio. I climb the old, concrete stairs two or three at a time. My heart beats like butterfly’s thin wings at the prospect of seeing Kai soon. When I reach the top of the staircase, I stop cold, and my smile vanishes.
Sha Sha has just entered the studio. As soon as her long, red scarf flows into the room with her, the door closes.
My first thought is to flee, but as I stare at the closed door, a taste of bile coats my tongue. I can’t bear the idea of Kai and the girl being alone and cozying up. With fire and smoke in my eyes, my mind can’t think of anything else. I march toward Kai’s studio, not caring whether anyone sees me anymore.
The fifth door in the corridor is open wide as I pass by. Through the fringe of my sight, I glimpse a pair of eyes from the dim room staring at me. I pay them no mind and hurry by, racing against time to stop Kai and Sha Sha. I rap on the door. I hear Sha Sha’s pleading and a struggle inside, and then the sound of a chair tumbling.
I knock again, furious.
The door swings open. Kai stands at the door, looking awkward and sheepish. I glare at him, cold, evaluating and challenging. “Did I catch you at a bad time?” I demand in a low, rough voice.
He reaches out, his hand on my elbow, steering me in, and then he closes the door behind us.
Sha Sha sits sideways on a chair, so her face is half turned away from me. It’s obvious that she was weeping a moment ago. I take off my glasses and glance at the wet spot on Kai’s black shirt near his shoulder blade.
She once mentioned that Kai has a soft spot for a wounded animal. Is she playing that role now? If Kai can’t see through her tricks, then he’ll be hers.
“It’s not what you think, Xirena,” Kai says.
Right, he calls me Xirena in front of her. Very formal. I’m curious to see how he’s going to pull it off. I’ll not fight over him like a dog over a bone, but I won’t back down first either.
“Can you ask her to leave, please?” Sha Sha appeals. “Just for a moment?”
Her soft sob adds an enchanting quality to her sweet, silvery voice, which would conjure chivalry from any boy. In contrast to her, I look like a hellion with my jaw set stubbornly, uncompromisingly. It should be easy for him to pick. His previous admission, “Sha Sha is the sweetest girl I’ve ever known, and I don’t like to hurt her” resonates in my head. I wait for his decision, feeling like I’m locked inside a freezer, and I’m breathing frost. If he asks me to leave, even if temporarily, he’ll never see my face again.
Kai’s gaze flings to Sha Sha first. She pulls a silk handkerchief from the pocket of her beautiful spring colored coat and dots her eyes elegantly. He swallows involuntarily before he turns to me. I stare back blankly.
“Sha Sha,” he drawls, but he doesn’t take his eyes off me. “I can never ask Xirena to leave. You, on the other hand, should leave after you feel better.”
A moment of silence hangs in the room. Then Sha Sha breaks down and cries. I’m taken aback too.
“You can’t be mad at me for something I didn’t do,” Sha Sha says. “Ta Sha got the key from your mother and entered your studio. I tried to stop her, but she wouldn’t listen.”
“You should have tried harder. She did it for you,” Kai says. “You worked as a team with my mother, with the intention of hurting my relationship with Xirena. And for that, you and your sister aren’t welcome in my studio anymore.”
“I already apologized to you many times for her actions. I promise she won’t cross the line again. All I want is a fair competition,” Sha Sha says. “All I want is to go back to the way we were.”
Kai winces, his eyes flashing worry as if afraid I’d interpret it the wrong way. “There’s no competition, and there was never an ‘us,’ Sha Sha,” he says.
“There was,” Sha Sha insists. “You just forgot! She makes you forget.” Tears pour from her eyes, smearing her makeup. “Please, Kai, don’t do this to me, to us. Please . . .”
“Sha Sha, I’m sorry,” Kai says. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t hurt Xirena either. You must pull yourself together.” The boy has never looked so torn and worn.
My eyes travel from him to the heartbroken girl. They actually look very compatible. A pair of hotties.
With effort, Sha Sha reduces her cry to a weep. “I don’t get it.” She turns her face, her eyes darting toward me, before she turns back to stare at the window. “How could you choose her over me? I can be a great girlfriend and wife to you. Anyone can see that. I’ll do anything for you, and you know that too. What can she offer you?”
“I see her,” Kai says, “I don’t see anyone else.”
Sha Sha’s lip quivers.
“I don’t care what other people’s opinions of her are. To me, Xirena is a rare beauty,” he says.
Sha Sha starts shaking her head desperately as she sobs.
With a sigh, Kai pulls a chair near her, his eyes locking on her brown ones with compassion and gentleness. “I’m sorry that I wounded you, but hurting you was never my intention. You should not waste yourself on me. Sha Sha, move on and find someone who is worthy of you and who can return your feelings.”
“The problem is I can love only you, as I’ve always loved you,” Sha Sha says. “You’re like air to me and without you, I . . .” A sob chokes her.
“Sha Sha,” Kai says, “Please don’t be like that. You’re a beautiful girl. You’ll love again. All the other guys worship the ground you walk on.”
“I want none of them but you!” Sha Sha says. “You don’t have to decide now, but please promise me, you’ll still consider me, like you once did.”
She wants him so much that she’d beg in front of her rival, whom she regards as far beneath her status. An image of a younger me kneeling in public and begging my mother to let me continue my education flashes before me.
Compassion and empathy have never been my strong suits, but at this very moment, they’ve gripped me.
And Sha Sha is right; I don’t have anything substantial to offer Kai. I’ll never be a wife and a mother. No matter how far he’s willing to go for me, as the only son, he’s bound to his family and thus to this town. I might be a rainbow in his life once upon a time, but I won’t last.
Sha Sha, however, can share a future with him. When I’m out of the picture, he’ll come to his senses, as everyone anticipates. It’ll a happy ending for everyone but me.
The thought of Kai with another girl sears my body with pain, but I could bear less to see him this miserable. It’s more practical to have one broken heart than three.
My eyes rove over him as he continues comforting Sha Sha. I want to trace my fingers on his beautiful eyes and sculpted mouth one last time, but I can’t. I have to end this now when I still have my strength.
“Kai,” I draw a breath, “choose her then.”
Kai snaps his head at me with an incredulous look as I’ve just slapped him in front of a full house audience. Then his look darkens, diminishing the beautiful golden autumn in his eyes.
Sha Sha stops weeping. For the first time since I entered the room, she turns to face me and really looks at me through a curtain of tears.
“Look at her. She can’t go on without you, but I can. I can survive without anyone,” I say. “You know I never am a warm-hearted.”
“You aren’t as cold-hearted as you think either,” Kai says coldly.
He’s never been this cold to me before, and it bites me. But I give a small shrug. “Whatever,” I say, my face betraying no feeling.
Hardness joins the coldness and spurs in his eyes. “It’s kind of you to sell me short.”
“I thought you’d appreciate my first gesture of altruism,” I say drily. “I’ve provided you with an easy way out.”
“I’m so touched by your selflessness.” His mouth twists into a cutting smile. The sunny boy in him has disappeared. This hard-cored Kai narrows his stone-cold eyes on me. “And I appreciate you handing me over like a piece of junk.” He
gets to his feet, kicking away his chair, as if it offends him as much as I do.
Sha Sha jumps in her chair on alert, but then stills. The tears on her face are drying. Her oval eyes drift between Kai and me; her cherry red lips open slightly in delighted surprise. I bet Kai has never been this rough on her.
“Everyone seems to know what’s best for me except myself.” His eyes bore into me with a look that is reserved for his enemies.
I remain unmoved, but my eyes have gone cold too. “Because you don’t even know what you really want!” I step back toward the door.
“Run! Yes, always run away!” His coldness turns to anger, and it leaps like black fire in his eyes, but I also catch panic moving through it. “Thank God, I’m nothing like you, Xirena! I do know what I want. It’s you who are clueless. I never run away when things get tough. You, on the contrary, never want to deal with anything. I’m now long past surprise. In fact, you can’t surprise me anymore. Because the predictable, typical Xirena runs faster than anyone as if the fire is going to burn her short tail whenever there is a teeny bit of threat! So, run now, craven! I don’t need you!”
“Did I run from the wolf?” I demand. “No? So don’t ever call me a coward! And short tail? Have you noticed that I’m still growing? And I’m not short anymore!”
“I notice everything!” he says, his jaw set.
What a nearsighted jerk! Why didn’t I see that in him before? Playing tough with me never brings the best out of me. And all I want now is to hurt him back. “You know what, when I go to the best college in the country to study astronomy, my new scientist boyfriend will be much more mature and definitely nicer. He’ll appreciate all the things that you hate about me! And we’re going to explore galaxies together, and you, you won’t even get to see the fire bursting from the short tail of our light-speed spaceship! Goodbye, Kai! Try to have a nice life yourself.” I grab the doorknob and turn it.
A quick motion flashes before me, followed by loud shattering sound of glass. Kai has slammed his fist into the mirror on the façade of the wooden chest near him. The mirror breaks into pieces. Shards tainted with his blood plummet to the ground. His knuckles immediately start to bleed.