Wonder and Wild Desire

by Jeanne Stephens

  "If he knows that I have told you this, he will probably be angry with me. But I want so much to help, Carrie. I want this marriage to work."

  "Thank you, Mother," Carrie got out. "You needn't worry that I'll repeat to Josh what you have told me."

  "If ever you think it would help your relationship, I want you to tell him," Ethel said stoutly. "There shouldn't be any secrets between husband and wife."

  Later, alone in her bedroom, Carrie recalled with some wonderment that conversation with Ethel. For the first time she began to understand why Mike was so important to Josh. It wasn't just that he was Danny's child. Mike was evidently the son Josh might have had with Helen if that fire had never happened, or if Helen hadn't been staying in that hotel. This was, in fact, something that had puzzled Carrie several times. Why had Helen gone to Toronto alone? If she'd had family there she wouldn't have been staying in a hotel. Had it been a vacation that Josh had been too busy to share with her? Now that she knew Helen had been pregnant, that seemed somehow unlikely. At least, Carrie could not imagine herself pregnant and leaving a husband she loved for a vacation in a Toronto hotel. But Julia Freemont had said that Josh and Helen had had problems. Maybe Helen had gone away to try to think through those problems.

  In spite of everything that had passed between her and Josh, Carrie discovered that she could feel sorry for him. Whatever his problems with his first wife, he must have suffered terribly when she and their baby died. More perhaps than Carrie had suffered when Meg died. She had had Mike to make up, in part, for the loss, while Josh had had nothing.

  By now she knew all of the ways in which Josh was to blame for their situation. But she wondered if she had been unfair in her sweeping assessment of him as totally selfish and cruel. He did seem to love Mike.

  It was with these thoughts again in her mind that she arrived in the kitchen early the next morning to join Mike for breakfast. She was greeted by Betty's approving smile. "You are joining Mr. Josh for breakfast in the dining room? How nice. I'll set another place."

  Before Carrie could protest that it was Mike she had come to see, Betty was hurrying from the kitchen with plate, silver, and napkin. Adam Carney was at the stove pouring coffee into a big mug. "Hasn't Miss Hastings brought Mike down yet?" Carrie asked him.

  "She asked to have his breakfast served in the nursery," Adam told her.

  Carrie was tempted to have her breakfast taken up to the nursery, too, but it would be too awkward to try to explain to Betty why she refused to eat with Josh. Sighing, she made her way to the dining room.

  Josh, in white shirt and tie, looked up at her entrance with a wry smile. "Betty thinks it's considerate of you to come down so early just to have breakfast with me." His look was mocking. "I didn't disillusion her by telling her your reason for coming down was undoubtedly much less romantic. Hoping to eat with Mike, weren't you?"

  Carrie took her seat at his right, where Betty had arranged her place setting. "Yes, but his nurse is feeding him upstairs."

  "You can see him there any time you wish."

  "With the starched Miss Hastings crackling in the background?"

  "If you'll give her a chance, Carrie, I think you'll come to appreciate her. She's very good with Mike. Of course, you can take Mike to your suite or anywhere else any time you want."

  "As long as I don't interfere with Miss Hastings' schedule?"

  He eyed her thoughtfully. "You know a schedule is important with young children. But Emily Hastings is only Mike's nurse. You're his mother."

  Carrie's eyes widened in mock astonishment. "I was sure you had forgotten that!"

  "Still haven't forgiven me for hiring a nurse, have you? Are you continuing to blame me for—other things?"

  The narrowed brown eyes glinted with a suggestive meaning, and somehow Carrie knew he was remembering the occasion, a week ago now, when they had come together with such explosive passion, The knowledge triggered a fierce heat that moved up her neck and flushed her cheeks. Desperate to turn the direction of his thoughts, she said hastily, "There are sales in most of the stores in town today. I thought I'd start shopping. for Christmas presents."

  He looked amused. "This penchant of yours to pinch pennies is commendable, I'm sure, but you seem to forget you don't have to live on quite such a strict budget now. You haven't even bought any new clothes since our marriage."

  Disconcerted, she retorted, "I see no reason to waste money, even if it is available. You married a woman who has always had to be careful with money. You can't expect me to change the habits of a lifetime and suddenly start throwing money away. I'm sorry if my wardrobe isn't elaborate enough for you, Josh, but I am what I am." This last was said with a note of defiance.

  Josh merely finished his egg, leaned back in his chair, and said calmly, "Don't be so defensive, Carrie. I'm not complaining." He was watching her, the gold-flecked eyes shaded by thick lashes. Yet the look was enervating, and Carrie stirred uncomfortably in her chair.

  "I—I was hoping you might have some ideas about a Christmas present for your mother. I know she likes antiques, but I know so little about what is authentic in that line that I've no idea what to look for."

  "I'll try to learn something from Mother without making her suspicious," Josh said. "In the meantime, you might ask Jessica for some ideas. She's something of an authority on antiques."

  Among other things, Carrie thought darkly. She kept her opinion to herself, but she didn't promise to ask Jessica's advice. When Josh left for the office, she finished her breakfast quickly and went upstairs to spend some time with Mike, sending Miss Hastings downstairs for a coffee break. The nurse seemed glad enough to leave the baby in Carrie's hands and asked when Carrie would like her to return. Carrie named a time an hour away and the birdlike woman left without further comment, making it unnecessary for Carrie to deliver the stern lecture she had been preparing in case the nurse opposed her. It seemed that Emily Hastings knew her place, and Carrie was relieved.

  The hour with Mike was enjoyable. Upon the nurse's return, Carrie went to her bedroom for her coat, which she put on over tan slacks and sweater. Stopping by Ethel's apartment, she asked if the older woman needed anything from town. Ethel replied negatively, bidding Carrie to have a good time on her shopping trip.

  The small town was decorated for the season with lighted stars and wreaths strung across the main streets and shopwindows full of Christmas displays. Carrie spent a leisurely couple of hours browsing in the shops and buying a few items: clothes and a rocking horse for Mike, which the shop proprietor promised to deliver on Christmas Eve; costume jewelry for Grade; a beautiful hand-painted shawl for Betty; and fur-lined gloves for Adam.

  Shopping for Josh was more difficult. She finally purchased a handmade wallet and silk shirts, leaving both wallet and shirts to be imprinted with Josh's initials. She would, she promised herself, find something else before Christmas. Ethel's gift was the only one she hadn't bought, and Carrie was still pondering this problem as she entered a small cafe for lunch. Too late she noticed Jessica Thorpe alone at a table. Before she could retreat Jessica looked up and saw her.

  "Come share my table," the black-haired woman called to her.

  Reluctantly, Carrie crossed the cafe and took a chair facing Jessica. Eyeing her shopping bag, Jessica commented, "Doing some shopping, I see."

  "I picked up a few Christmas gifts."

  After they had given their order to a waitress, Jessica asked perfunctory questions about Ethel and Mike. Then: "Josh tells me the baby has a new nurse."

  Carrie nodded, unwilling to comment, but Jessica evidently saw the disapproval on her face. "You don't like her?"

  Forced to reply, Carrie said, "I neither like nor dislike Emily. I don't really know her."

  "Then it must be the whole idea of Mike's having a nurse that you find distasteful," Jessica probed.

  "Not distasteful," Carrie returned, "unnecessary. But then I imagine Josh has told you my feelings on the subject." Indeed, she suspected t
hat Jessica knew a great deal about her relationship with her husband. Josh must have told her that the marriage was one of convenience, and Carrie wondered now if Josh had also told her that he'd taken Carrie to bed. Surely not, but even the thought of it made it difficult for Carrie to meet Jessica's intent brown eyes.

  "Only in passing," Jessica replied somewhat carefully. "I've seen him several times lately, but we usually talk about other things."

  Carrie felt sure this was meant to provoke jealous curiosity, but she refused to be baited. When their lunch arrived, she turned her attention to the food, merely replying tersely to Jessica's conversational gambits. Finally the other woman remarked ironically, "You seem preoccupied, Carrie. I'd better be off, anyway. I've a lot to accomplish this afternoon, and I'm expecting Josh to come by when he leaves the office." The brown eyes grew wide then, as if she had said more than she intended, and she added, "On a business matter. I hope you don't mind my delaying his arrival home this evening."

  "I never interfere in my husband's business," Carrie said shortly.

  After Jessica had gone, Carrie realized that every muscle in her body was rigid with tension. She made a conscious effort to relax as she drank a second cup of coffee. She shouldn't let Jessica Thorpe's veiled insinuations ruffle her so. After all, she had always suspected that Josh was carrying on an affair with the woman, a relationship that had begun long before her marriage to Josh. Perhaps she was disappointed because, since Ethel's disclosure the day before, she had been feeling a little sorry for Josh. Clearly her sympathy was misplaced. Why she should feel hurt by having her suspicions confirmed she didn't know. In fact, she was angry with herself for feeling anything at all.

  She was still feeling cross when Josh, who had missed dinner again, came to her bedroom that evening to say he had to go to Boise on business for a few days.

  "Would you like to come with me?"

  Carrie had been sitting in an armchair reading a magazine, and with his appearance she felt her body stiffen. "No, thank you," she said. "I don't think I should leave Mike at this time."

  Josh made a gesture of impatience. "Mike is in good hands. One of the purposes for hiring a nurse was so that you would be free to accompany me on these trips."

  "It's too soon," Carrie said. "Mike hasn't had time to get used to Miss Hastings yet. Besides, earlier today he acted as though he were coming down with a cold."

  "He's as healthy as a horse," retorted Josh. "You're merely making excuses, Carrie, and not very convincing ones at that. I want you to come to Boise with me."

  Her blue-green eyes sparked angrily. "Well, I don't want to come. You can't force me, Josh, unless you intend to tie me up and carry me onto the plane."

  Standing over her, he gazed at her from narrowed eyes, his mouth turning down in anger. "I'm tempted, Carrie," he said harshly, "but suddenly your company doesn't seem at all desirable." With that, he turned on his heel and left her.

  Trembling from the encounter, Carrie let the magazine slip to the floor and held her head in her hands. Would he take Jessica with him? she wondered and discovered that she resented the idea enormously.

  Chapter Seven

  Two evenings later, Carrie was seated in a local restaurant across a candlelit table from Kevin Hamilton. "This is nice," she said. "I needed to get out of the house."

  He had come by that afternoon with some business papers to be given to Josh upon his return from Boise. Insisting that he have a cup of coffee with her in the sitting room, Carrie had expressed regret at not having seen him since their tour of the plywood plant.

  Kevin had hesitated for a moment, then said, "I wasn't sure Josh would approve."

  Meeting his gaze steadily, Carrie had said, "I choose my own friends, Kevin."

  He had surprised her then by inviting her to have dinner with him. She had accepted the invitation readily, and even Ethel had voiced approval when Carrie informed her of her intention of having dinner with Kevin. "It's considerate of him to help you pass the time while Josh is away," Ethel had commented with her usual optimistic disregard for the objections of more small-minded people. Apparently it never occurred to her that Josh wouldn't like it.

  Sitting across from Kevin now, Carrie told herself there was no reason for Josh even to find out about the dinner. But if he did, she assured herself, she didn't care.

  Kevin smiled at her. "You're very attractive in blue. That outfit was made for you."

  She glanced down at the suit she had purchased for her wedding, then returned his smile. "Coming from you, that's high praise." She ran her eyes approvingly over his cashmere sports jacket, which, like all his clothes, fitted perfectly.

  Kevin raised his brow as he looked at her. "How am I to take that?"

  "I mean that you have excellent taste in clothes. You always look as if you stepped from the pages of Esquire."

  He inclined his head slightly in acknowledgment. "Believe me, living in this out-of-the-way place makes it difficult to keep up with fashion."

  Carrie suppressed a smile. Kevin really was something of a dandy. Clearly his wardrobe was one of his top priorities. She couldn't help comparing him with Josh, who, although he dressed well, often seemed unaware of what he was wearing, as if clothes were only an unimportant but necessary part of life. Even though he encouraged Carrie to buy clothing for herself and Mike, she had noticed that he put off shopping for himself.

  Carrie relaxed in the intimate atmosphere of the restaurant and listened to Kevin talk about his job with the Revell Corporation. As they were starting dessert, Jessica Thorpe came in with another woman, and the change in Kevin's manner was obvious.

  Jessica merely nodded toward their table before disappearing into another dining room. After she was out of sight, Kevin continued to shift uneasily in his chair, and although Carrie tried to pick up their conversation again, it was clear that his mind was no longer on what he had been telling her.

  "What's wrong, Kevin?" she asked finally. "I get the feeling I'm talking to a wall."

  He toyed with his fork and glanced up at her. "Doesn't it bother you, being seen here with me by Jessica Thorpe?"

  Carrie had been a little unsettled by Jessica's appearance, but she pushed down the feeling. Surprisingly, stronger than her worry over Josh's reaction was the relief she felt in the certain knowledge that Jessica had not gone to Boise with Josh. Until that moment, she hadn't been sure and hadn't known how to go about finding out.

  "Why should it bother me?"

  "I should think you might be concerned over what your husband will think." He shrugged. "Maybe you're sure enough of his trust that you don't have to be concerned, but he's my employer."

  "I didn't mean to make light of your loyalty to Josh," Carrie assured him. "We are just two friends having dinner. We aren't doing anything wrong, so don't worry."

  Kevin gave her an odd sort of look that made Carrie wonder, all at once, if he had thought this evening might lead to something more than friendship. But she cast the thought aside quickly, telling herself that Jessica's unexpected appearance was making her too sensitive. Whatever Kevin might have thought, however, his concern over being seen by Jessica caused him to be moody and withdrawn after that. Carrie was just as glad to get back to the Revell house as she had been to leave it a short while earlier.

  For the first few days after Josh returned from Boise, Carrie was cautious every time they were alone together, expecting angry recriminations about her dinner with Kevin. The dreaded confrontation did not materialize, however. Though she couldn't help wondering why Jessica had let such an ideal opportunity for undermining Josh's faith in her go by, she was vastly relieved.

  Several heavy snowfalls blanketed the area as December progressed. As a result, Carrie found it more difficult to get into town. Josh went to his office every day, of course, but he was much more accustomed to driving over snow-packed roads than Carrie was. Mostly she stayed in the house, spending long hours with Mike and Ethel. Miss Hastings continued to be retiring and never
opposed any plans Carrie made for the baby. Had she been on better terms with her husband, Carrie might have confessed to him she was beginning to think her fears concerning the nurse had been unnecessary. But she saw little of Josh. He frequently stayed late at the office, or so he said. Carrie was certain that some of his evenings were spent with Jessica.

  When Josh informed her that they would be attending the country club dinner-dance a few evenings before Christmas, Carrie actually looked forward to it and made plans to go into town to buy a new gown for the occasion.

  She was so eager to be out that the next morning when she awoke feeling somewhat ill, she climbed out of bed anyway, fighting nausea, and dressed in warm slacks, sweater, and boots. Mike had had a mild case of the sniffles, and she decided she had caught his bug. Taking several deep breaths to still her churning stomach, she marched out of her bedroom and descended the stairs. In the kitchen she forced down a piece of toast and a few sips of hot tea, then went to tell Ethel that she would be out for the morning.

  By the time she was in her car, which was newly equipped with snow tires, and leaving the Revell estate behind, she began to feel better. The tea seemed to have settled her stomach, and she drove the five miles to town without any trouble.

  Trudging from one shop to another, she took inventory of the formal dresses available in town. There weren't many, and she was beginning to think her old velvet skirt and silk blouse would have to do for the country club when she found the perfect gown. Made of clinging burgundy Qiana, the halter top dipped to a V between her breasts, leaving her back bare almost to the waist. The skirt clung to her hips, then fell to the floor in soft folds which caught the light. The gown fit perfectly, and when the salesgirl showed her a pair of spike-heeled shoes the same burgundy shade as the dress, Carrie wrote out a check for both. The figure was staggering, but, remembering that Josh could well afford it, she smiled as she handed the girl the check.

  Josh didn't see the gown until she descended the stairs on the evening of the dinner-dance and entered the sitting room where they had set up the huge Christmas tree. He turned at the sound of the soft swish of her skirt.