She blushed self-consciously at the state of her dress, hair, and callused hands, a stark contrast to the well-groomed, worldly gentlemen who stood staring at her as though they would never have known her. She had lied to them about her life just as much as she had to Lochlainn.
"Alice isn't here, is she?" Muireann asked in a worried tone. "I mean, not that I wouldn't be absolutely delighted to see her and the baby, of course, but as you see, I wasn't expecting guests."
Damn it, another lie, she thought to herself as the gracious words flew out of her mouth, and she colored again.
By this stage Lochlainn had seen more than enough. He was certain that Muireann was ashamed of herself and Barnakilla in front of these two handsome men. Moreover, he noted the unstinting admiration on both their faces.
Though he knew that Neil was certainly no love rival, Philip seemed just the type of man for her. The type of man he could never be: aristocratic, intelligent, wealthy, and unbelievably handsome with his classical good looks. The fact that Muireann had known Philip since childhood and had never wed him did not even occur to Lochlainn.
By the time Muireann looked around to introduce Lochlainn to the two newcomers, he was already long gone.
She disguised her disappointment behind a wide smile. "Come now, everyone, there's no sense in standing here. You must be frozen. I'll see to some refreshments first, and then give you a quick tour of the estate."
The two men exchanged looks, and each gallantly offered her an arm as she stepped off the boat and led the way up to the house.
She brought them directly into her large cozy kitchen.
Lochlainn tried to slip out unnoticed, but she fixed him with a sharp look and called, "Lochlainn, this is my brother-in-law Neil Buchanan, whom I've told you so much about. This is his brother Philip. Lochlainn is my estate manager, well, my partner, really. Thanks to him, all of this has been possible."
"Now don't be modest, Mrs. Caldwell. You've done everything without much help from me," he said gruffly.
She offered the men some refreshment in her office, and Siobhan took them out the back way so that they wouldn't have to see just how crowded the house was.
As soon as they had gone, she whispered to Lochlainn, "Where on earth are we going to put them? The houses are all full."
"I'll move out of the cottage for one night."
"No, I couldn't ask it-"
"You aren't asking, I'm offering. Besides, I told you, if you planned to staying with my sister, I would leave the two of you alone for a few days. So really, it's no trouble. When are they leaving?"
"Neil said he wants to sail again tomorrow. There's some urgent business I heard him discussing with his brother."
"I wonder what it could be."
She shrugged. "He reassured me that my sister is fine."
Lochlainn put his arm around Muireann's delicate shoulder briefly. "Then don't look so worried."
But she noticed when she took in the tea that the two men were looking at each other every so often.
They think I've taken on more than I can handle, she concluded inwardly as their unease became more and more apparent.
"This is quite an enterprise," Neil said with a broad smile after she had filled him in on how successful the timber business was becoming.
"I'm lucky to have a manager like Lochlainn."
"Forgive me, but wasn't he here in Augustine's day?" Philip asked, disapproval evident in his tone.
She shook her head, and looked at him coldly. "He wasn't here until after Augustine had run the estate into the ground, and asked for his help. He never got to see him, though, not for more than a few minutes. Lochlainn had only recently returned from Australia. Augustine was already in Scotland searching for a suitable bride to bail him out of his financial difficulties. Lochlainn met us at the docks, took us to the hotel, and then had his supper in the lounge by himself. He was downstairs when the accident happened," Muireann said crisply.
"I see. So he can be trusted?"
"Implicitly, Philip," Muireann said with a lift of her chin.
"In that case I have to tell you that your father is very ill, Muireann, and I think you should come home now before, well…"
"Father? He's never been ill a day in his life," Muireann said, suddenly wary.
But Neil explained, "It was a stroke, several days ago now. He is paralyzed down one side. The doctors say another one would certainly kill him. All his affairs are in order. He may even get better. But I think you'll want to be there."
She stared at him in horror, then nodded. "Yes, yes of course. I'm sorry. It's just that you took me by surprise. I never imagined… But how can I leave now, of all times?"
"If this Lochlainn Roche is as reliable as you say, it shouldn't be difficult."
As much as she dreaded to think what would happen once she left, she knew she had to go. Her father needed her, and her mother as well. They would never forgive her if she didn't come. She wasn't even sure that she would be able to forgive herself.
She rose from her chair and began flicking through her paperwork, sorting things into three bundles in terms of their priority. "Thank you for the food stores. They'll come in handy while I'm away."
Neil cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Muireann, if I may say so, you've done a wonderful job here, and accomplished far more than I could ever have imagined. It took a great deal of hard work and courage, but you swallowed your pride and got on with things. You've made Barnakilla as much of a success as it ever will be, but it isn't your home. I really think that you should find yourself a buyer, and come home to your family where you belong."
She shook her head. "This is my home. At least, I've tried to make it mine, not something I inherited from Father or any man, but a place I created out of my own hard work and determination. I've been independent for the first time in my life, and it's been a wonderful feeling. You tell me I should sell, but it would be like hacking off a limb if I were to leave. These people are counting on me. If I sold the estate, no one would want to keep so many old and sick people, or so many families with young children.
"And I know what you're going to say," she said, forestalling him with one hand. "What everyone tells me. That I should send them to the workhouses. But you wouldn't dare to say that to me if you had ever been inside one of those establishments and seen what I've seen.
"No, I'm sorry, I can't do it. I can't give up on these people now. Not with the Famine and everyone counting on me to make the right decisions. They trusted me with their lives by staying on this estate to work for me, or by coming here when they were evicted from the neighboring estates.
"I know how hard times have been, Neil. I also know that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. But I've made up my mind. I won't do it. I can't just abandon them, no matter how much business sense you tell me it will make."
Neil could see he was getting nowhere with her at the moment. "There, now, please don't upset yourself, child. We don't have to make any decisions this minute. Come back home to Fintry, see your father, and we'll talk again in another few weeks."
Muireann was torn. She knew that Neil was only proposing she sell because he was so worried about her ragged appearance, but she felt trapped, as if she were being manipulated in some way. She definitely did not want to leave in these circumstances. Yet what choice did she have? She just had to have enough self-confidence not to allow her family to coerce her into staying there once she got home.
Muireann also knew she was reluctant because she hated leaving Lochlainn, even though matters had reached an impasse between them. She needed time to solve that problem as well. She was not about to blurt out her undying love for him as her boat sailed away from the dock.
She also knew how upset he would be at her leaving: she was certain he would take it as a sign of betrayal. But surely her father's illness had to count for something?
At length she nodded. "All right, I'll come. Give me a chance to get some things tog
ether, and leave my instructions with Lochlainn. We can sail tomorrow morning on the tide. If I may, I'll show you to your quarters for the night now, gentlemen. I'm sure you will appreciate that I have much to do if we're to depart tomorrow. The tide is at nine, by the way, so I'll make sure you're roused in time for breakfast."
"Nine will be fine," Neil said. He looked as though he would have said mmore, but decided that in her current mood there was little point in trying to persuade her to look at things from his point of view. It was best to just stay out of her way until the idea of selling could sink in.
"Please, don't let us keep you. We have many things we could be attending to on the boat, and I'm sure there will be plenty of staff on hand should we require anything."
She bit back a sharp retort, and merely smiled. Really, how could he act as though he were in his own fine drawing room back home? But then, he had never known a day's want in his entire life. Besides, the mark of a proper gentleman was never to show emotion. He thought she was a failure, but he had been too kind to say so.
Muireann gritted her teeth. She had only failed once in her life, and that had been in her marriage. Despite that failure, she had learned some valuable lessons. She was not about to sacrifice everything she and her newfound friends had achieved to go scuttling back to the old dull life she had once led, however pampered that life had been.
She conducted them to Lochlainn and Ciara's cottage, where she briefly explained matters and thanked Ciara for her cooperation. Then she turned her attention back to her guests.
"I shall leave you in Ciara's capable hands, and see you at the docks in the morning. I'm sorry to be so rude, but we'll have plenty of time to catch up on everything when we sail to Scotland together."
She hurried out of the cottage before they could delay her any further. Once back in her office, she flung herself into a chair, and began to write as though her life depended upon it. She issued written instructions concerning all of the work in the various industries, and recalculated the food rations in light of all the provisions Neil had brought with him from Scotland.
"At least they won't starve," she muttered aloud as she sat working at the desk as though her life depended on it.
Which in a sense it did. She knew she could trust Lochlainn. It was her family she couldn't trust. If Neil and Philip decided to stop trading with her because they wanted to coerce her into selling and remaining in Scotland, well, God help them all.
And with her father's illness, she had no idea when she was going to be able to return to him and Barnakilla. She had to prepare for every contingency, and swallow down the nauseous feeling in her stomach that after tonight, she might never see Lochlainn again.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
"Are they settled in?" Lochlainn asked much later, as he popped his head around the door at eleven that night. He had seen Muireann's candles still blazing as he headed for the workshop loft to bed down for the night.
"Yes, everything's fine. Thank you for letting them stay in your cottage."
She wondered if he knew she was leaving. He didn't seem to be unduly agitated. He had left her alone to get on with her work all day. Everyone had. She only prayed she had thought of everything, for once she was gone, she had no idea when she was ever going to come back.
"I'm glad to help. Well, I'll be off to bed now," Lochlainn said, his gaze lingering on her lovely face for a brief moment.
It was enough of a sign for Muireann to push away from the desk and reach out her hand to him. "Please stay, Lochlainn?"
He stared at her, holding his breath, hardly daring to hope. "But I thought-"
"No, don't think. Just hold me, love me, Lochlainn."
"I do, Muireann I do," he moaned, as he began to smother her face in kisses.
Now who was betraying whom, she wondered with a sick pang. She hadn't told him she was leaving the next day. She had issued all the instructions by letter. She was creeping away like a coward. But she needed him. She couldn't leave without spending one last night with him.
She planted hot molten kisses all over his face and throat, stroking him to a fever pitch of excitement.
"Muireann, slowly, slowly, we have the whole night," Lochlainn gasped as she flipped him onto his back and joined with him in a fluid movement of her supple hips.
"I need you now, please!" she urged, gripping him with her powerful inner muscles, and alternating soft and languorous, with hard and quick strokes.
"Muireann, no, don't!" he nearly shrieked as she stroked his tender inner thighs until he completely spiraled out of control. He almost impaled her as he grasped her hips and pushed upwards with one mighty stroke. Muireann cried out her love for him, and collapsed onto his chest, sweat-soaked and trembling.
Lochlainn couldn't understand the change in her. He sensed her inner struggle between wanting and needing him, and keeping her distance because the differences between them still hadn't been resolved.
Never once did he suspect that she was planning to leave. He was merely stunned at her ardor and grateful that she seemed to have forgiven him.
He made the most of her uninhibited mood to experiment with her, entwining their limbs in all sorts of impossible positions which even Muireann had to giggle at despite the secret weighing down her heart.
"I saw it in a naughty book once. It looked like a good idea at the time," Lochlainn laughed.
She stared at him and stroked his cheek tenderly. "You know, I think that's the first time I've ever heard you really laugh since I've known you," Muireann sighed as she snuggled against him, and noted once again just how perfectly they fit together. "It's been hard for you looking after me and the estate. I never meant to be a burden to you."
"You haven't been. Just the opposite," he said softly, looping her arms around his neck to draw her closer to him. "To tell you the truth, the house has always been like a millstone around my neck. I wanted to leave a thousand times when I was younger. But my father or my aunt would persuade me to stay.
"I resented him like mad, but he was my father, even if he refused to publicly acknowledge myself or Ciara. I suppose he never loved my mother, just used her, though Aunt says she was a fine woman, lovely, full of life and joy until she died having my sister. Aunt said we look like her. She had dark hair, and green eyes. Mine have a certain greenish tinge if you look at them in the bright light."
"It must have been a very lonely childhood."
"It was a lot of the time, though as I got older at least I was given a good education."
She lifted her head to gaze into his eyes. "But it doesn't make up for the lack of love. I ought to know. My father was always so strict with me. I know he was doing it to protect me, but all the same…" Muireann sighed again, trying to push such thoughts away. She was determined not to be gloomy on the last night she would spend with Lochlainn for a long time. Perhaps forever.
"And your mother?" he asked softly.
"Strict as well, more strict with me than Alice, the ever-dutiful daughter."
"Do you look like her or him?"
"A bit of both really," Muireann replied after a time.
"They must both be very handsome, then," he said, planting a kiss on her rosy lips.
"My sister is the gorgeous one in the family, blond-haired, statuesque. I could never compete with her."
He stroked down the long length of her back and cupped her to him even closer. "My dear, you wouldn't have to. Every man in the room looks only at you whenever you walk in."
A blush began to heat her cheeks. "It's kind of you to say so."
"What do I have to do to convince you that you're lovely?" Lochlainn asked as he kissed her eyelids.
"I could think of a few things, but only if you're up to it," she said with a grin, moving her hand down lower.
"You do have the most wonderful ideas sometimes, Muireann," he purred, as she stroked him from head to toe, kneading and massaging.
I want to remember this always, every inch of flesh, every move
ment, every gesture, she reflected as she caressed Lochlainn.
But soon he took control of her body, of their incredible passion, stroking her until she couldn't hold back any longer. She reached her ultimate fulfillment while he watched her delight eagerly.
"Lochlainn please, come here," she panted, opening to him like a flower.
"Gladly, my love, so long as you come with me again."
Much later he remarked quietly, "I wonder if it will always be like this between us. Even when I hold you in my arms, even when I fill you, touch the very core of you, I still want you so desperately. Sometimes I feel as if I'll go mad without you. At times it gets even worse when I'm inside you. I don't have the words. I don't know how else to describe it," he added when he noticed her frown.
Call Home the Heart Page 34