Her mother was about to deny that she did, but at last she admitted reluctantly, "Yes, I think I do understand. I met someone at a ball when I was sixteen. I had just come out. He was the most handsome man I had ever laid eyes on, but not as wealthy as myself. I mistrusted him, thought he was only after my fortune. Everyone told me he was, and in the end, instead of listening to my heart, I followed the workings of my head, and told him I never wanted to see him again."
Muireann stared at her mother's devastated expression. "Oh Mother, I'm so sorry."
"So am I. I ruined his life. He ended up bitter and disappointed, for he had truly loved me. The hugs and kisses. I've never known anything like them. But by the time I realized what a fool I'd been, he was dead. He'd neglected himself, died of a broken heart as the expression goes. I would give anything to have been able to make it up to him. It was a long time before I ever contemplated marriage again."
Her mother sighed. "So while I will not say that you should encourage Philip in his pursuit, do at least think about all he can offer you."
"But you lost your love. Shouldn't I be allowed to find mine without having to settle for second best?" Muireann demanded. "Think how lucky you were to have got a second chance with Father. Now I have one as well, and I'm determined to take it. I love Lochlainn, Mother, love him. I'm sure of it now, though it all happened so suddenly I didn't believe I could trust my feelings.
"You see, I fell in love with him from the moment I laid eyes on him at the docks, when I was still wed to Augustine. I've been telling myself ever since that it was impossible, absurd. But it isn't. Nothing is impossible if you truly love someone. I know you'll say that we're worlds apart, that he's only my steward, and a bastard at that. But I love him all the same. None of that makes a particle of difference. I've given up worrying about what other people think of me. What does that matter when we're talking about happiness, true love? It's a rare gift.
"Now that I have known what it is like to be truly loved, I could never give that up, not for anything in the world. Even if I lose my estate to Christopher Caldwell, I'll find some way for us to be together, and to support my tenants. But at the end of it all, I'll do whatever I have to do to be with Lochlainn. I need him like the air I breathe, the food I eat. I'm sorry if this shocks or disappoints you, but you did ask me for the truth."
Her mother's fine silver brows knit. "No, I'm not shocked, though I'm so worried for you, my child. The problems in Ireland, they might be insurmountable, you know, even if this Christopher Caldwell doesn't win the lawsuit against you. You're a very fine woman, brave, clever. I'm so proud of what you've achieved, even if it's not what I would have done, and I could wish your path had been an easier one. But the Famine might well be the end of it all. You can't fly in the face of nature."
Muireann lifted her chin. "There are things that can be done with money and goodwill, and the decency of human nature. The Quakers and other religious organizations are setting up soup kitchens, collecting donations. The wealthy people of Ireland simply have to stop their selfishness and think of their tenants a bit more before they depopulate the entire country.
"And the government will just have to stop exporting food from Ireland. I know they're doing it because they want to make it seem like there's a good balance of trade. Lochlainn and I have discussed all this at length. But the fact of the matter is that all that corn, wheat and oats could be feeding people back home. I will do whatever I can to convince the officials that that's true. And I'll need money to buy food, to make donations."
Her mother gazed at her daughter's earnest face, and nodded. "You shall have it, Muireann, as much as you need. You're right, charity begins at home. To export that food is a sin."
They sat in silence for a few moments, until Mrs. Graham asked, "If all this is settled in your mind, why do you look so worried?"
Muireann sighed. "There's one problem which I need to solve, but I do think you've just given me the answer, by listening to me and not judging me too harshly. There can be no love without trust. That's the one thing perhaps Lochlainn and I have never given each other unreservedly, though we have shared everything else it's possible for a man and woman to share."
She ignored her mother's shocked look as she rose from her seat.
"And now, if you'll please excuse me, I'm sorry to have taken up so much of your time with my problems and worries, when you have so many of your own now. I have a letter to write which just won't wait. And I'm sure there are some things you and Neil must see to now that Father is gone. I shall come and help you later, if I may, once I'm finished writing to Lochlainn."
Her mother rose and opened her arms, enfolding her daughter in a tender embrace. "You take your time, my dear. Neil and Alice can help. It is about time she started learning to shoulder a few responsibilities. I dread to think what would ever happen to her without Neil. At least I don't ever have to worry about what will happen to you. With or without your Lochlainn, you'll do well for yourself."
"You don't mind about him, then, Mother? I can tell him we have your blessing?" Muireann asked hopefully.
Her mother kissed her cheek. "Completely and unreservedly. Be happy, my dear. Your father might have blustered and been a bit shocked, but in the end, he would have said the same thing, I know. We've always loved you, even if we've always been stern because we wanted to protect you. I see now that we failed. We didn't protect you when it mattered most." She sniffed.
Muireann embraced her. "Please don't blame yourself. I was the foolish one."
"No, we were all deceived. But you haven't wallowed in self-pity, or used your family as a crutch the way many others would have. I know you've told me some terrible things, child, but never have I been more proud of you. And if this Lochlainn Roche is as wonderful as you say he is, then he will simply have to understand and forgive you, as I do."
"Thank you. Your opinion and support mean more to me than I can say."
Muireann kissed her mother on her wrinkled cheek before going back to her room to write her letters to Lochlainn, telling him the whole truth, sparing no details which might put her in an unfavorable light. Now that she had told her mother, it didn't seem so bad.
In the first letter, she explained the nature of her marriage, and even the trip to Dublin and all that had happened there. The only thing she left out was the chain of events leading up to Augustine's death. That was still too painful to recollect, and something she would only tell him if he was able to forgive her for the rest.
In the second letter she turned to business matters. She sent him a bank draft to cover expenses, and told him she would be home as soon as she could manage. She prayed she would be able to keep that promise soon, and start their future life together in earnest, with no more secrets from the past between them.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Muireann endured the wake and funeral over the next three days, and the huge number of callers coming to offer their condolences. All the while she kept thinking about Lochlainn, wishing she were home with him. Philip stayed with her throughout, always guiding her in and out of the room possessively as though she were some mindless automaton.
Muireann said nothing for the sake of her family. She didn't want to cause any upset while everyone was grieving for her father. Moreover, she did not dare risk a confrontation with the two Buchanan brothers over her future until she had spoken to her brother-in-law about the disposition of the Graham property, all of their holdings at Fintry.
At last, on the fourth day after her father's death, she asked to speak to Neil and told him, "I want to sell my part of the house as quickly as possible. I need the money to go back to Ireland and save Barnakilla."
Neil sighed. "Muireann, please think before you decide to act so rashly. This has been an emotional time for us all. I would not have you think you have to go back there, when you have a perfectly good home here. I know Philip would like to speak to you, but respect for your mourning has prevented him."
Neil wo
uld have continued to press his brother's suit, she knew. She interrupted him with a vehement shake of her head. "It wouldn't matter when he asked me. I would still have to say no. I don't love him. He's not the man for me. Barnakilla is my whole life now. I need to go back. I love Lochlainn. I love him so much it hurts when I'm separated from him even for an hour, let alone days on end. I couldn't live my life without him. Not after the past year. We've been everything to one another, do you understand?"
Neil scowled. "Yes, I think I do."
"Please don't start moralizing."
Neil sighed and sat down heavily in his desk chair. "It's just that I can't help thinking he's taking advantage. I've been making some inquiries, ever since you told me about the court case Christopher Caldwell has brought for the possession of the estate. Did you know Lochlainn was the old man's illegitimate son?"
She nodded. "I do, but I don't care. He loves me for me, I'm sure of it now. If he didn't, he never would have done all of the things he has in the past few months, big things like always supporting me even when he thought I was wrong, little things like remembering my birthday. He is a good man, kind and tolerant, free from superstition, bias and ignorance. I've never known anyone with a warmer heart, though he has little enough reason to be kind to people when they've done nothing but use him cruelly. Augustine was the fortune hunter, not Lochlainn. And now Christopher wants to do the same thing. He wants to marry me to get his hands on Barnakilla, since his own estate is falling to wrack and ruin."
Neil stared at her, appalled. "What do you mean, Augustine married you only for your money?"
So Muireann once again found herself confiding the whole truth about her appalling marriage, with the proviso at the end, "But you must make sure you never tell Alice one word of this, not one word, do you hear? Or Philip either."
"Who else knows?" he asked in a shocked whisper.
"Only Mother, and you. And Lochlainn once he gets my letter."
Neil rubbed his hands over his eyes, feeling himself close to tears. He thought he had known her, loved her. Now he could see what true love really was. He had to let her go, for all their sakes. His had just been the doting fondness of an aging man for a beautiful, spirited young girl. After what Muireann had endured, she deserved every chance of real happiness and true love, and he was determined to get them for her.
"You told me about your desperate finances when you first wrote to me, but you never once let on about your terrible marriage. I don't know how you could have borne it. But now, tell me everything about this Christopher Caldwell again."
She shuddered.
He noted her reaction, and said, "Go on, you can tell me. After all you've just revealed, I'm sure it will be mild by comparison."
She sighed heavily. "No, it isn't. If anything, it's worse. But it isn't my secret to tell, it's Lochlainn's sister Ciara's secret."
"I give you my word, my dear, nothing will ever go out of this room. But you must tell someone. Bottling up all of these worries and fears for so long has worn you down to almost nothing."
"All right, I shall tell you everything I know of Christopher, but if one word of this ever gets back to Lochlainn--"
"It won't, I promise."
She revealed all Ciara had told her, and then went on to tell her brother-in-law about Christopher's threats. "But I won't let him do it, do you hear? Even if he wins the case, I shall buy the house from him, no matter what he asks, before he gets a chance to do any more damage to people, to women, than he already has with Ciara and Tara. He and Augustine were monsters. I can't believe the two of them and Ciara and Lochlainn share the same blood.
"But I know what Augustine was like when he was desperate. I know it will take a lot to buy Christopher off. To get him to go away and never trouble any of us again. But it's a price I'm willing to pay if it means we don't have his shadow hanging over us for the rest of our lives."
Neil rose from his chair and paced up and down in front of the window for a few moments. "I wish you had told me about this problem with Mr. Caldwell sooner. I would have had more time to look into the matter further myself. I'm not sure when the court case will come up, but I think we still have a few weeks. Give me the name of your solicitor and I'll see what I can do."
"No, you're so busy already, I couldn't ask you to…."
"My dear girl, I'm offering. There's no need to ask. But I agree with you. This all has to be put right somehow. The sooner Christopher leaves Ireland, never to return, the better. And something should be done for those two women he abused as well. Leave everything to me."
"But it's my problem, my responsibility."
Neil gave her a fond smile. "Dearest Muireann, you'll have enough of a fight on your hands when you get back to Barnakilla and have to battle with the Famine. Save your strength for that fight, for you will most certainly need it. I brought Augustine into this house, introduced you, took him at face value without enquiring too deeply into his affairs. I blame myself for what happened. And no one as vile as Christopher should be left to prey upon unsuspecting people."
"But surely you're not going to have him arrested, have the truth come out about-"
He shook his head. "No, but there are other ways to make him pay," Neil said with a small smile.
Muireann allowed herself to grin back. "Why Neil, whatever do you have in mind?"
"All in good time, my dear girl, all in good time. But first we have to free you from this terrible tangle, and then get you home to Barnakilla."
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Despite his many reservations over her plans for the future, in the end, Neil proved to be a tower of strength to Muireann as she made plans for her future. She sold all of her remaining possessions at Fintry for the best prices she could get, keeping only her most plain and serviceable gowns and under things, and some of her books. Even all of her jewels went to her sister, who pleaded with her to take at least one ring or brooch as a memento of her family and her past life.
Muireann adamantly refused. "I don't want to look back anymore, I want to look forward."
"But all of your lovely things!" Alice exclaimed with a pettish toss of her golden ringlets.
"They are only things, Alice, not people. What need have I of gowns and jewels when I'm surrounded by love?"
"Love doesn't put food on the table," her sister replied with a hint of her old hauteur.
Muireann smiled at her and Alice shook her head, unwilling to quarrel with her sister now that she had proven herself a tower of strength to her mother after a good talking to from Neil.
"In five years' time, you and the children will come and visit me, and you'll see the best-run estate in Ireland," Muireann declared, before turning back to pack her small valise.
But though she tried to pack light, her one bag soon grew to a small mountain of luggage. When she finally admitted what she was doing, going back to Barnakilla to try to save it from the Famine, all of her family from far and wide had turned out in full force to lend a hand, showering her with all sorts of useful items for the house, plain but serviceable.
Muireann did try to point out that she didn't own a grand house any longer, not in the sense they imagined, but her elderly aunt Martha waved away her objections.
"Every married couple needs a house. You'll get one soon, mark my words."
"But Aunt, who said anything about getting married?" Muireann asked, puzzled.
Her aunt tapped her nose with her forefinger, and scurried away to help crate up all the gifts that kept flooding in.
Soon everyone was talking excitedly about her owning Barnakilla, marrying the man she loved, and living happily ever after as though it were a foregone conclusion. Muireann gave up trying to argue with them, or even curb their lavish gift-giving, which was rapidly filling the Andromeda from bow to stern.
Only the livestock had yet to be loaded, and that was only because Muireann kept protesting that she didn't want to strip the Fintry estate of every four-footed creature it possessed.
The rumors of Muireann's impending marriage weren't long in filtering back to Christopher, who had some friends in Neil's social circle. With Muireann married in Scotland, he was convinced he would win his court case.
But just to make sure of Barnakilla, he thought he ought to remove Lochlainn from the equation entirely. He rode over to his neighboring estate with the gossip about Muireann's forthcoming nuptials as fast as his horse could carry him, and positively gloated as he told Lochlainn the news.
"Why don't you clear out now, while you still have some dignity intact? This place will be mine soon enough, and you'll be traveling the roads like the beggar that you are in no time!"
"I told Muireann I would wait for her, and wait I will," Lochlainn said stubbornly, though deep down he was in agony. How can she be planning to marry?
"You're not wanted here, don't you see that?"
Call Home the Heart Page 36