I was guessing they were his mom and dad. He had a few of him with a younger girl that looked very much like him except with white blonde hair. I assumed she was his sister. They looked like a happy family and, for a moment, I wondered what that must be like. How I would have loved to have had a family where we smiled, laughed, and joked around the dinner table. I suppose if I had a family like that and my dad passed away, I'd probably lose my mind, too.
When my actual dad died, I didn't give a shit. He'd never cared about me, why should I give a fuck about him? I suppose I wasn't as understanding when Ben told me about his dad as I could have been. Still, he did bite me and change my life irrevocably without my consent. The problem I was having was did that make him an asshole or was it just really bad choices all the way around?
I didn't have to decide right then. I only had to decide if I wanted to be a bit more open with him. I knew I could do that. I could be open to him explaining things; I just had to shut out the sire bond for a while. It couldn't be that hard, right? I'd just do what Q suggested and think about baseball.
"Here you go." Ben startled me and I jumped, nearly knocking the Pepsi from his hand.
Yeah, there I go again with the smoothness.
He held tight and grinned. I reached for the can and my hand met his. That same damn spark from earlier reignited and I pulled my hand away as if I'd been burned.
"Tell me about sire bonds. How do I break ours?" Okay, so apparently subtle wasn't going to be the way I went about this.
I suppose I hadn't really made the decision I spoke about earlier until I blurted it out on my own.
"There are no such things as sire bonds. They’re not real."
"No, but you don't understand. This isn't right. The way I feel about you aren’t my feelings. There must be a sire bond at play. Don't you feel it?"
"What I feel is the same thing I felt for you the first time I saw you in the park, attraction. Can't you just believe we are meant to be? Does there really have to be something like a sire bond for you to have feelings for me?" Ben slid his hand up my arm to my shoulder and crouched in front of me on the couch.
"Yes, dammit."
"Am I that awful to you?" He looked hurt.
"No, it's just.... Look, I know how to control my emotions and I can't with you. Things are so messy and insane with you and I can't just shove them away like I usually can. When you add in the fact that, no offense, I sort of hate you for blowing up my life, it sounds wholly supernatural to me."
There, argument made.
Go me.
I expected him to step back, but he just smiled and said softly, "That's not a sire bond, that's a soul mate bond."
"Ben." I scooted down the couch to get a bit of breathing room between us.
"Sam, are you never going to give in to those feelings because you, wrongly, think they're fake?"
"Possibly. Look, all you need to know is that, right now, I can't do this. How about we stay on separate chairs and try and keep it friendly until my relief gets here. We may even be able to pull protective detail from you tonight. We don't think Grisly saw you as a threat. He'd have been here by now if he did."
"So, you're just going to ignore all this chemistry between us?"
“Until it goes away, or I find a way to break it, you bet I am.” My jaguar seemed to be laughing at me with equal measure disdain and superiority.
She liked Ben and seemed to think I should, too. The problem was I didn’t want to like Ben. I wanted to go back to being able to control my feelings. I’m not a fluffy feelings kind of chick.
Too much pain has forced me to really take a look at the people I surround myself with. I didn’t want to end up losing everything on something where the only basis was that we were part time panthers.
“Fine. Just know this, Sam, feelings like we have don’t just go away. No matter how badly you wish they would.” He leaned forward on the couch and stared into my eyes as he spoke.
Then he promptly stood up, walked over to, and sat down on the recliner across the room. Once he was seated I flicked my foot rest up. I needed that distance to keep myself from doing something I very much wanted to do but knew I’d regret later.
Stupid fucking sire bonds.
“Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. I won’t know until I find out more about sire bonds. Maybe all I need to do is a quick spell and once it’s over perhaps we won’t even like each other.”
“Then why was I so attracted to you when you were human? Why were you so attracted to my jaguar in the park?”
“I don’t know. Look, I’m not a romantic. It’s not in my nature. What is going on only has one explanation and it’s got to be supernatural in origin.”
“You don’t believe in soul mates, so, in your point of view, this connection we both feel has to be a bond from us being shifters?”
“In a nutshell, yeah.”
“God, that’s a sad way to live.”
“Well, it’s gotten me this far in life and I suspect it’ll get me much further.”
“Point taken.”
“Good.” I nodded, crossed my feet, and leaned back in the recliner.
“Want to watch Wheel of Fortune?”
“Sure, why not?”
In my opinion, watching a game show was about the least sexy thing you could do with another being. Unless you were really into that stuff, and I wasn’t. Though that big wheel held promise.
Stop it, Sam! I had to get myself out of that way of thinking. It didn’t help that I was in the midst of a three year dry spell.
While I’d dated some, I hadn’t slept with any of them because of my cat. None of them were deemed worthy enough in her eyes and so she wanted nothing to do with any of the choices I’d laid out for her. When she wasn’t interested I didn’t feel interested, either.
It had been a long three years.
Of course she would be interested in the one guy I wanted nothing to do with. But that wasn’t completely true; I did want something to do with him. He intrigued me in a way that had nothing to do with my jaguar and everything to do with him as a person. He seemed fairly genuine in his apologies and I was starting to think that he wasn't really that much of a pompous ass the more time we spent together.
"Cheeseballs?"
“What?”
“Would you like some cheeseballs?”
“Like actual balls of cheese or the puffy cheese-dust covered things?”
“The latter.” Ben grinned and my jaguar melted a bit.
Did he have to be so good looking? It was like someone had set a delicious chocolate fudge cake right in front of me by mistake, instead of the poached salmon with wild rice I’d actually ordered.
As much as I wanted to give in and eat the fudge cake, I knew I’d regret the sugar crash that came later. It was best if I just quit while I was ahead. I enjoyed the little boost my ego was getting from his attraction to me. My jaguar enjoyed his company as well. That would have to be good enough for me.
I should be smart and end things here and now. Then my eyes strayed to the clock. I'd only been here thirty-four minutes. Jeebus, it’d felt like a couple hours. Today was going to be difficult. I took out my smartphone and started Googling sire bonds. I found a ton of information on it, but nothing verifiable.
That pretty much meant I had diddly squat.
I found out that there are many types of sire bonds in the world, but not one thing I could find had anything to do with shifters. I still wasn’t sure, or maybe I wanted to be unsure. Maybe I needed that bit of denial to make it easier not to get involved. I learned from a young age that involvement only leads to being screwed over.
Friends, lovers, family, almost all people eventually will betray and break you because that is what people do to each other. At least that had been my experience. True, there were folks like Quinn and Kelly who were exceptions to the rule, but, for the most part, people will hurt you. I believed that love is nothing more than chemical attraction. That’s why, in ma
ny cases, the idea of love evaporates once sex becomes boring.
Okay, so maybe I sound a little jaded, but this has been due to my life experiences and they've not been so fluffy and kind. I've told you a bit before about how rough I had it growing up and I honestly don't mean to use it as an excuse, but, really, we are all damaged in some way and we all learn to live with—and some learn to thrive—the damages the world inflicts on us. I learned to keep my heart safely locked away until someone earns my love and trust.
In that way I guess I'm not much different from my jaguar.
I had surrounded myself with good people for a reason. I knew who I could and could not trust and I wasn't one to give second chances. As much as I wanted to stay distant from Ben, it was too difficult to have the answers to all of my questions sitting right in front of me and not ask.
I settled back in my recliner and forced a laugh when some lady called for a Z in a phrase which was obviously “London, England.” Ben chuckled and I looked at him from the corner of my eye so that if he looked he couldn’t see me watching him. We started joking around about the contestants and the puzzles. A couple hours into the babysitting gig, and I was having so much fun that I forgot that I wasn't just hanging out with a friend.
Chapter 13
WE’D GIVEN UP THE GAMESHOWS and had switched to reruns of The Facts of Life. Tootie was awesome as always. Ben and I talked about watching these episodes when they’d first come out while we were younger. We talked about a lot of things. I learned a lot about him and the poor guy heard the phrase “I really don’t want to talk about it” a lot from me.
TV shows, movies, music, clothes, toys, cartoons, and cars I could talk until I was blue in the face, but every time Ben gave me a personal detail from his life I couldn’t reciprocate. Nobody but the box had taught me how to make macaroni and cheese.
I was five and had been alone for two days when I made it for the first time. I couldn't understand the measuring instructions so it turned out to be very buttery and not so much creamy, but don’t be upset because I have since perfected it. When he brought it up I went back to feeling uncomfortable as I had when I’d first arrived.
“I get the feeling your life hasn’t exactly been sunshine and rainbows.”
“Pardon?” I started fidgeting.
“You’ve avoided talking about your family and your childhood—aside from books, movies, TV, and music. You look like I smacked you every time I asked about your life as a kid. I’m really sorry for whatever it is you went through and if you ever need to, or just want to, talk, I hope you know I am here for you and always will be.”
“Thank you. I appreciate the offer, but I hope you understand why that can’t happen. My past is not something I will ever speak freely about. It has nothing to do with you, as such. I just don't like talking about it is all.”
I used to apologize at this point, but not anymore.
Now I don’t give a fuck if my silence offends someone. I don’t think I want to be with someone who gets upset that I don’t want to relive that pain.
Ben got points for not pushing it. He was curious about my past, but he didn’t step past the line I’d drawn. It was a good start. I just wished he would dial back the charm a bit. With as much as he laid it on, it felt almost false, or at least not one hundred percent genuine. I know he didn’t actually expect me to melt into a puddle with one of his beguiling smiles, but it seemed like something he wished I would do.
We abandoned Mrs. Garrett and the girls and turned on Godzilla vs Mothra. We had fun making snarky little comments and then we realized it was dinner time. After Ben gathered all of the delivery menus we picked one out through a fun little game.
We called for Chinese food to be delivered and sat down to talk some more. I told him as much as I felt comfortable with and he didn’t push me. Our delivery arrived and I paid for it. I began setting out the food. I’d ordered the almond boneless chicken dinner and he ordered General Tso’s chicken; we both got eggrolls and fried rice, as well as soup, egg drop for me, wonton for Ben.
Sitting there, in his living room, eating Chinese food, talking, and making fun of the TV was the most normal and fulfilled I had ever felt in my life. I wasn't used to feeling this way. Mostly I felt broken and alone, but when I was with Ben I felt whole, alive, and like the stains of my past didn't matter.
I wasn’t stupid. I knew that they would if we ever got to the point where my past came out. It was at that point even the most heroic and stoic of men ran screaming. I learned with steady boyfriend number three not to talk about it. Carl was a good man, but he had led a very sheltered and protected life with parents who adored him. He couldn’t understand how I could live with the things that had been done to me. I told him I didn’t have much of a choice. I’m no quitter.
I glanced up and noticed Ben staring at me. There was an understanding in his eyes that I wasn’t ready for. I gasped and he looked away. It was as if he knew what painful secrets I was harboring.
I suppose it wouldn't be hard to figure out something horrific had happened to me, but most guys tried to push it. Then they very much regretted the answers that awaited them. Ben seemed to understand and that in itself was weird for me.
The reactions I got from the men I dated was why I had stayed mostly single. Though I often wondered what could have been. I gave myself a quick five minutes to fantasize about what it would have been like dating someone like Ben if I was a clean and undamaged teenager. We probably would have been good friends. I can see what an amazing life he could have with the right woman.
I didn’t believe I was that right woman. I wasn’t sure how much of that disbelief was real and how much was my own insecurities that occasionally cropped back up when dating was involved. I stopped right there and reminded myself that I wasn’t dating Ben, that I didn’t want to date him, and it was just the sire bond causing my attraction. No matter what he said about sire bonds not existing, I knew that was what it had to be.
We were just hanging out and I was keeping him from being killed.
That’s all.
Yeah, right. That was all. I cast a sidelong glance at him and though he had gone back to looking at the TV the tips of his ears were red. Almost like when I caught him glancing at me he hadn’t expected me to catch him and he was embarrassed by it.
I’m not one to duck out of an honest conversation so I figured what the hell, I’d tell him my worst deepest darkest secrets and run him off now before I got attached. I had to face it, be it a sire bond or not; this chemistry between us was electric and a large part of me wanted to feel it and test it out.
“You’re right, I didn’t have an easy childhood.” I steeled myself.
“Okay….” He wasn’t going to push and waited for me to continue.
I figured this might just be the bump in the road I needed to stop him from being attracted to me. I took a deep breath and spilled my guts.
“My mom often sold me for drugs and my dad wasn’t around much. When he did come around he pretty much just used me as a punching bag.” I refused to look at him while I blurted out the most painful memories I possessed.
I’d had a lot of practice stating the facts of my abuse. I’d put the emotions in a box in my head a long time ago.
“Oh, Jesus. I am so sorry you went through all that.” He moved closer to me and I backed away.
He stopped moving the second I backed up and held his palms out to show me he wasn’t going to harm me, then he slid back to where he was sitting.
“I’m okay now,” I lied.
I think it was pretty obvious to both of us that I was quite far from okay.
“Sam, I’m not going to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you. I promise to stop pushing and we can take this as slow or as fast as you want. I will let you set the pace of our friendship, or more, if you like.”
“Friends would be good. I can’t deny an attraction to you, but, until I research sire bonds, I really don’t want to explore it.” I felt embarr
assed and a tad broken.
I always did when I revealed myself to people, even with all those emotions boxed up. Many of my exes had tried to understand, but I knew it was difficult.
My past had formed me into a bit of a nympho. I had a hard time finding an off switch and it turned out to be rather intimidating to the men I let into my heart and bed.
A couple of them accused me of lying about my past because they believed someone who had been raped and molested would be cold and incapable of passion. It hurt like hell whenever someone I trusted with the pain of my past accused me of lying, but I was who I was.
Some women reacted as I did after the traumas they suffered. I didn’t go out and sleep with everyone. I never allowed myself to do that, but when I was in a relationship I did like to get a bit kinky and I preferred having sex several times a day, every day. Many guys had a difficult time keeping up with that and some got angry at me for it.
I was often called a whore or tramp when those men left our relationship. It hurt then and it still hurts badly today. I’m sure there is a shrink or two that can explain why I am the way I am, but most guys just don’t care. To them all it boils down to is they feel inadequate because they can’t satisfy me.
Before I could stop myself I found I was spewing all of this information to Ben who looked at me with a concerned and understanding smile.
“I’m not a whore,” I said stupidly, wondering why I had let all this stuff spill out to him of all people.
“I didn’t think you were. Would never think you were. I know what is in your heart and soul, Sam. I don’t see any evil or malicious intent there. I just see a sad and broken person who is in need of a friend. I promise I will be that friend, and if you ever want more I would be happy to be that for you as well.” He held out his right pinky finger to me. “I pinky promise that I will not force myself on you in any respect and I will adhere to your wishes.”
I smiled and took his pinky in my own.
“So, now that the most embarrassing stories of my life are out of the way, maybe you can tell me a couple of your own to make me feel less vulnerable.” I tried to smile but I was speaking the truth and it didn’t feel right to make light of it all right now.
Shifters: A Samantha Reece Mystery Book 1 Page 12