Beautifully Awake

by Riley Mackenzie

  “No, please don’t stop, I need this,” I pleaded. “I need you to take me hard, please, fuck me.”

  That was all the reassurance he needed. He growled, running his tongue along my lips as he nipped and sucked my bottom lip into his mouth.

  I moaned, “Yes, Chase, yes.”

  He returned to his punishing pace while the rain pelted off my sensitive skin, only heightening my arousal. I was so close. God, I had missed our connection. He tightened his hands around my hips and ground into my sex. I flew over the edge. I clung to his chest as wave after wave of my climax pulsed through me.

  “I’ve missed you so much. Fuck.” He shuddered against me from the sheer force of his climax. “Baby, you have no idea what you do to me.” With sexy heavy lids he looked deep into my eyes. “If just for a second you could see yourself from my eyes, maybe then you would realize just how pure sweet you are to me.”

  I didn’t know what to say.

  Instead, I snuggled close and decided in that moment I loved the rain.

  19

  Weight

  He was so beautiful. Tonight was mind-blowing. Amazing. I could have watched him sleep all night. He looked so ... peaceful. The harsh rain was no longer lashing against my bedroom alcove windows and now sounded more like a child’s soothing soundscape. It lulled Chase to sleep about an hour ago. That along with his third crushing orgasm of the night. Not surprising, he added double that number to my running tally. Oh, how I missed this man. I longed to relive those hours over and over again. Our connection seared my soul. If there was a doubt about how I felt about this man, it was erased. I love him. Madly and deeply. All of him, even the fucked up parts.

  Every muscle in my body burned from complete and utter exhaustion, but I refused to close my eyes and let this night end. Tomorrow was the unknown. Was he going to slip away? The lyrics to one of my favorite running songs, Daylight, looped on repeat in my head. I was staring at his perfection in my arms and hoping to hell this was not our last night together. I was terrified that when the sun came up we would be on our own. I knew there was still so much uncertainty. He might have finally opened up and told me about losing his sister, but it didn’t explain why he walked away from us.

  After our explosive reunion in the alley, Chase carried me straight into a hot shower, stripped us out of our sopping wet clothes and gently washed every inch of my body, tending to my scraped knees as if they were gaping wounds. I knew through his soothing words and compassionate gaze he would wash away every bad thing that ever happened to me if he could.

  We didn’t really speak again. Not until after he made sweet love to me and we were quietly entangled and caressing each other under the sheets. As much as I loved the comfortable silence, Chase retreating to his head was worse. I wanted him to know he could trust me, that I was his safe place.

  Lying side by side, our noses only an inch apart, I whispered, “She was beautiful.” I hoped my attempt to re-engage our conversation didn’t backfire. He must have known I saw the photographs that lined his parents’ library. We never spoke of his sister after he walked in on Asher telling me about the accident.

  He exhaled softly and parted his lips ever so slightly, as if the memory just dawned on him. “Yes. She was.” But that was all he said. No more. Instead his fingertips continued their gentle assault over the sensitive skin of my side.

  When I got up the nerve to try again, I stopped myself. Chase’s eyes possessed a frailty, imploring me no more, not tonight. The rawness clawed at my heart and I decided to leave it alone. Instead I crawled on top of my damaged man. We made love to the beat of the rain until he surrendered to sleep.

  Now with his eyes closed and breath so soft, I wondered what he was dreaming of. What happened that night of his sister’s accident? Did it haunt his dreams? My gut told me there was more weighing on his soul. I brushed his overgrown hair from his forehead, tracing the healing cut on his temple. Why, baby? I was losing the battle to stay awake. I snuggled in closer and whispered a prayer. “Please trust me enough to show me beneath your beautiful.”

  I struggled against my heavy lids, finally succumbing. Daylight was inevitable.

  Falling asleep naked in the arms of my amazingly hot lover while listening to Maroon Five play in my head probably explained the incredible dream I was having. When the bed dipped the first time, I was too tired to move. But Chase’s warm lips touched the tip of my nose and I heard him say, “I’ll be back, Blue.” God I hoped so. I tried to open my eyes, but it was useless. I drifted back off.

  The second time the bed dipped—I was able to lift my eyelids. Chase was showered and in clean clothes, sitting on the edge of the bed. He went home already. What time was it?

  I groggily sat up against my headboard, raising the light sheet over my naked breasts. It was insanely hot again. “What time is it?” My voice sounded raspy even to me.

  Chase leaned over, grabbed my glasses off my nightstand and sweetly placed them on my face. He gently stroked my cheek and lightly brushed his lips across mine. His intoxicating smell overwhelmed me.

  “You’re teasing me,” I whispered.

  He looked amused, tenderly tucking my morning bed hair behind my ears. “It’s early, baby. I’m sorry I woke you. I have a case this morning that I already had to reschedule from last week, or else I would have stayed in bed.” His face turned serious, like he was memorizing my features; like I was the most beautiful thing he ever laid eyes on; like it might be the last time he had the chance.

  “I understand. I’d never be upset about you having to go to work.” He knew that, so why did he look ... nervous.

  He handed me a hot Starbucks cup. “Girl coffee. I think I owe you a few weeks’ worth.” His voice was low, and he looked down at the floor, avoiding eye contact. I didn’t like where this was going.

  “Chase? What’s wrong?”

  He rubbed his palms back and forth over his knees.

  “Chase, look at me.” Nothing. The already sweltering room suddenly got ten degrees warmer. “Chase?” This was not happening, again. Was it? Uncertainty overwhelmed me. I witnessed the same frailty from last night plaguing those beautiful eyes. He was retreating to his head. “Truth, Chase ... truth. You can trust me—I’m here for you. Please.” Something had to give.

  He kicked his shoes off and rested his back against the headboard. I laid my head against his chest. An eerie silence pulsed through me; the only sound was his heartbeat beneath my ear. I waited.

  “The summer after graduation, a bunch of us were hanging at the beach. Typical Hamptons Saturday. Our parents couldn’t give a shit what we were doing, as long as we were out of their hair. Playing music, had our guitars, plenty of food and too much beer. We all had money. So it wasn’t a surprise to end our night at a beach house party because the kid’s parents were away touring Europe.” Disgust was in his voice. I peeked up as he shook his head. “Kimi, Talia, Asher and I were pretty much inseparable. It’s just how it was. Talia and Kim were best friends for as long as I can remember. Everyone thought they looked alike, I never really saw it. Maybe because they were both thin with long blonde hair. They were both gorgeous, but my sister’s eyes were the color of the ocean. The four of us had a pretty good band for high school, spent a ton of time hanging out, practicing. Kimi and I played guitar, Talia had a pretty good voice and Asher loved to channel his built up energy on the drums. We’d truck our shit to any dive in the city who would listen to us. We ended up playing at a couple bigger places too, nothing too crazy but we had a lot of fun.” The tension in his face softened slightly, obviously remembering a happy time. “Anyway, I remember the sun was scorching on the beach that afternoon and the cold beer was flowing. We didn’t stop there. Back at the house, the liquor came out. We were all wasted. Eighteen and not a care in the world. So fucking stupid. Kimi had a thing for this guy. Total dick. She was so fucking book smart, it was insane. But my sister had a thing for the bad boy. Being the over-protective hypocritical twin brother, I d
idn’t approve and made it known. She was pissed at me for butting in and we drunkenly had it out, shouting and cursing on the deck, but I let her walk away. She stormed down the beach to find him anyway.” His heart slammed against his chest wall as his arms tightened their grip around me. I was silent; barely breathing for fear he would stop talking. “I went back to partying after that. The music was good and I was throwing shots back left and right. I found myself in Talia’s arms.” He tipped my chin and pulled my face up to meet his gaze. “I need you to hear this.” The sadness in his eyes broke my heart.

  “Okay.” I was trying so hard to be strong. I knew reliving this was agonizing and he was worried about my feelings. “Keep going.” My voice wobbled as the moisture behind my eyes filled.

  “We were dancing and flirting, nothing too unusual for the two of us. I always knew she had a crush on me, but I never went there, out of respect for my sister. Kimi made me promise. But after our fight, and a few shots, that promise went out the fucking window ... I kissed her.” Chase looked disgusted with himself, shaking his head, like he committed a heinous crime. “And being a fucking horny stupid jackass, I brought her upstairs.” He sat straight up; the rage in his eyes was indescribable. “At the same time, my sister was getting in a car with that wasted asshole ... fuck, Lili, I let that happen. If I wasn’t so fucking selfish I could have stopped her. I would have fucking stopped her even if I had to pull her away kicking and screaming. Instead I was upstairs fucking her best friend.” He dropped his head in his hands as his whole body trembled. I had no words.

  “A few hours later, my father was screaming my name like a lunatic through the house. I must have passed out with Talia, because I woke up fumbling, searching for my clothes. I took one look at my dad’s face and I was instantly sick. Lil, he was a fucking mess. I barely got out the front door and I started vomiting. It was the longest fucking car ride of my life. He wouldn’t look at me, didn’t say anything until we pulled up to the hospital. All he said was ‘your sister was in an accident.’ Part of me died when he spoke those words. I knew, I knew by his face she was dead or dying. Cracking my chest open without anesthesia would have hurt less. The pain was, fuck, I can’t even describe it. That motherfucker wrapped his car around a fucking tree not even a mile from the house, leaving my sister half brain dead.”

  His jaw was so tight. I could tell he was still just so angry. I was beyond heartbroken for the man I loved.

  I clung to his neck, hoping my death grip could soothe a fraction of the pain he carried. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry.” I had never felt so devoid of words.

  His arms tightened around my waist, matching my grip. “She didn’t die, Blue. That would have been a blessing ... instead my parents sent her to fucking hell for three years, a fucking long-term facility in Boston. If you could even call it that.” He released me, abruptly stood and slammed his clenched fists against my mattress, punching with such force that my headboard crushed against the wall. “My parents basically wrote her off. They didn’t even fucking visit her, said it was better that way,” he hissed. “I transferred to BU second semester so I could at least be closer, could visit ... not as often as I should have. Fuck, if I just would have visited sooner, then maybe...” His voice trailed off.

  He clenched his eyelids so tight even his brow wrinkled, as if he was trying to stop memories from flooding. As if the memories alone were causing him physical pain. My heart ached for him. I couldn’t even begin to imagine that kind of loss, that kind of sorrow. I was so young when I lost my mother, I wasn’t even sure if the few memories I had were real or created from old pictures that went along with stories I had been told. I missed having a mother, but that wasn’t the same as missing my mother. Chase missed his sister. His twin and best friend. For half of a fraction of a millisecond I felt lucky. Then six plus feet of taut muscle dropped to his knees against my bed. His shoulders were shaking. He was shaking. I didn’t know what to do.

  Chase’s voice was barely audible. “Every time I went to see her, I walked down the long corridor to her depressing room. Hell, it was more of a prison than a hospital, and I would pray I’d walk in and see her moving, any movement. I knew it wasn’t possible, but I’d be damned if it didn’t stop me from hoping. That’s why I think I froze that day. I literally fucking stood still for at least ten seconds. Or maybe that’s how long it took my brain to process ... ten fucking seconds too many.” The anticipation of his next words created a dreadful feeling in my chest; my heart hurt. “Her head was turned toward the door and her eyes were open. It almost looked like she was nodding at me, trying to tell me something. Then I realized it was just the movement of the bed being propelled forward by the sick fuck that was on top of her, fucking her like an animal ... raping her.” I slapped my hand over my mouth, my gut clenched so tight the bile slid up and stung the back of my throat. I wanted to be strong for him, but I had zero control of the tremble shaking my body. “It took another five seconds before my legs could actually move. The worthless staff member must have heard the one scream that fucker let out before my fist cracked his jaw, and pulled me off him before I killed the son of a bitch. She was trapped in that bed. Fuck, she was trapped in her own brain ... left alone with those deranged motherfuckers.” Tears streaked down my cheeks as Chase kept his head against my bed. My brain would not wrap around the fact that he witnessed his sister being dehumanized. She was completely defenseless, lying in a hospital bed unable to fight, unable to scream. The memories of my own rape poured into my brain. I looked down at my hands, watching the tears soak into my skin. I realized I couldn’t even feel them. My blood was ice; my body was completely numb. I knew I needed to comfort Chase. I needed to bend down and hold him, but I was frozen.

  He swallowed hard, lifting his watery eyes. “Baby, when I found out you were raped I felt like I was reliving my nightmare all over again. I saw nothing but red. How could it be possible that something so disgusting happened to the only two women I have ever cared about? I was so angry I was going out of my mind. I had to leave. I had to fight. I knew you needed me, but I left anyway. I am so sorry, baby, so sorry.”

  My mind was racing. My body was still in shock, but I knew I had to say something. “Chase, no. Stop. I can’t believe ... oh god, I’m so sorry.” I sunk into the bed, my words felt so meaningless. Because they were meaningless. Every time someone said, “I can’t believe that happened to you” and “I’m so sorry” I had felt nothing. There was no amount of comfort or sympathy to rid the feeling of emptiness. The reason I built my wall.

  My cold limp hand reached for him anyway. I needed his warmth more than air. We both needed reassurance the other wasn’t going anywhere. He was my safe place, or I hoped so, and I wanted him to know I was his safe place too.

  “I know why you left.” Because I did. After I was raped I left too. I left physically, but I left emotionally, too. I chose to walk around with an ironclad barrier devoid of all emotion to survive. “This nightmare ... oh my god.” I gripped his cheeks begging for our eyes to meet. As much as I knew it calmed him, it calmed me too. “It has haunted you for decades and then you had to sit there and listen to what happened to me. Shit. I should have told you. I should have warned you. I was just so-” I choked on my words. I was the cause of so much more pain for him. My heart literally ached.

  “Lili, no, baby.” He stroked a finger down my cheek, searching, looking. I wasn’t sure what he was looking for but I was pretty sure he didn’t find it. My eyes must have been too full of sadness and pain. “Don’t you fucking dare think this is your fault, please, baby, no. I told you before I’m toxic. I’m the fucked up one who has never dealt with her death. Shit, I’ve never been able to forgive myself.” He raked his hands through his hair, the telltale sign he was beside himself. “She’s the reason I became a doctor, the reason why I’m a fucking neurosurgeon, the whole sorry-there’s-nothing-we-can-do prognosis wasn’t good enough. It will never be good enough. Shit. I didn’t even know what a neurosurgeon was u
ntil my sister’s fucking brain died. I watched her lifeless body lay in that bed for three years straight.” He reached for me, and unconsciously my body responded. I crawled to the end of the bed and knelt in front of him. “I made a promise to her that I would do everything in my power to never let anyone else suffer like she did.”

  Something inside me snapped. He was the one suffering. His sister was at peace. Chase was the one suffering with the agonizing guilt for so many years with no one to turn to. He had never trusted anyone ever, yet in this moment he had picked me. I was overwhelmed with emotion. The pain, the devastation, the turmoil I felt inside was somehow overpowered by an unbelievable sense of relief. He had finally opened up to me, shared his darkest secrets. And I didn’t think it was possible, but I loved him more. My achy heart swelled in my chest. I clutched his wet cheeks. He looked so fragile, so tired of being angry. He finally looked defeated. “Look at yourself, you’re doing just that and so much more. My god, Chase, you’re a brilliant surgeon. People fly in from all over the world, because you give them a chance, a real chance. She would have been so proud of you.” I lightly kissed his lips. “She is so proud of you. She’s your angel. She’s your strength to make all those crazy decisions. She’s the reason you developed that equipment?” The puzzle pieces were falling together.

  “Yeah, not that it did her any good. When I was transferring colleges, I already decided on medicine, so I applied to the combined undergrad/med program, and wrote about Kimi’s accident in my essay. How medicine wrote off certain traumatic brain injuries as hopeless, and how there had to be a better way. Luckily the doctor I interviewed was an old school neurologist, and he offered to mentor my research on the spot. So I was able to get started right away. But my parents didn’t want me to waste my trust fund money financing research, so I had to wait until I turned twenty-one to really get it rolling.” He looked down and shook his head. I knew exactly what he was thinking. He couldn’t save the one person that mattered most to him in the world.