“Shit, Cai.” Izzy seemed agitated. “Troy’s gonna be pissed. You should go back and hide with her, otherwise the game is ruined.”
I was puzzled at first, until I saw something burning in her eyes, a feverish determination that made sense to me. “Yes—you’re right.”
Just then, Troy and Vic came hurrying along the trail. “What’s all the racket,” Troy said. “What’s going on?”
Megan spoke up. “Cai found Annie—she’s Smee.”
Troy glared at me. “So why are you here?”
I felt like I’d done something wrong. “Jumbo found her first,” I said. “But he’s disappeared.”
“Same as Jonathan,” Megan said.
Troy shook his head. “He’s not like Jonathan. He wouldn’t wimp out.” I could see he was mad and I felt a little ashamed. “Take me there,” he said.
I led them back upstream. Now and again we called out Jumbo’s name but nobody responded. Troy asked if I’d seen Hector. When I said I’d seen him right at the start with Megan, my sister caught my arm. “Hector’s not been with me.”
“I saw the two of you, not long after Vic finished counting.”
“That wasn’t Hector.”
“Who then?”
“It was…” Her voice trailed off and I saw she was trying to remember.
I looked at Troy. “Maybe he’s with Jumbo.”
But Jumbo was waiting for us on a rock ledge a little way below the Falls of Snow. He grinned at our approach, his face slick with spray from the falls. “Why aren’t you hiding?” Troy asked him.
Jumbo put a finger to his lips. Troy told him to stop messing about.
“You’re supposed to say the word.”
I wondered what he meant until Izzy said, “Smee?”
He nodded.
“Annie is Smee,” I said. “Not you.”
He wiped spray from his face. “Yeah, right.”
“You found her.”
He shook his head.
“She’s behind the falls,” I said, pointing to the curtain of water. I called out her name. Megan ran up the trail ahead of me and disappeared behind the falls. She came out on the far side a few moments later and threw her hands in the air.
“Told you,” Jumbo said, like that settled it.
“I found her right here.” I was confused. “She said you found her.”
“You’re sure?” Troy asked.
I tried to remember what she’d told me. “She was scared and could hardly speak.”
“Scared of what?”
“Why didn’t you bring her with you?” Megan said.
“Bollocks,” Vic said, looking up at the sky. It had begun to rain. The clouds had thickened and sunk low over the forest.
I stared at Jumbo. “I went looking for you ‘cos I thought you’d had an accident. I told Annie to wait there for me.”
Troy pinched the bridge of his nose and looked up at the falls. “She’s bailed out,” he said. “Same as that other kid.”
“She wouldn’t,” Megan said.
“No staying power. She got tired of hunting and snuck off home.”
“She was Smee,” I said. “She didn’t need to hunt.”
“You’re not listening, wanker,” Jumbo said, jabbing a finger in my chest. “I told you I was Smee.”
I began to doubt myself. “Why would she say she was?”
“Maybe he’s right, Cai,” Megan said.
I looked at her and forced a smile. “I don’t know anymore.”
Izzy punched me playfully in the arm. “Who cares,” she said. “We’re still here.”
“Izzy’s right,” Troy said. “There’s nothing to stop us carrying on.”
*
On the third day, we didn’t see Troy and his friends till mid-afternoon. We met Annie and Jonathan at the campsite, where more people had arrived and set up their tents. When Troy returned, I took them to Sgwd y Pannwr, which is the Fall of the Fuller, where the river cascaded over a series of terraces to a wide, deep pool. To the left of the falls, a steep cliff studded with outcrops of rock and ferns dropped to the river, which ran away at right angles to the falls, and it was from here I made my first jump. We had a grand time of it after that, jumping from the top, or from one of the outcrops lower down, competing to see who did the best jump and slagging off each other’s attempts. The water coming off the mountains was cold enough to shrivel your balls, but you got used to it after a while. Hector and Izzy weren’t much at swimming and stayed in the shallows but they egged the rest of us on and it felt good to show off a little, especially for Izzy. She was tall and skinny but in her swimming costume there was no mistaking what she was and it was hard to keep from staring at her body.
Megan and Annie were taken with her. Maybe they were a little shocked at her quick mouth and outrageousness, but she won them over with the kind of clowning that had us all laughing. I thought much of her general antics were aimed at Troy and felt an uncommon resentment when, now and again, I caught the look she gave him. It spurred me on to show off that much more, but I soon saw she wasn’t the only one trying to impress Troy. By the time we’d worn ourselves out, it was clear we were all competing for his attention. Like, before anyone jumped from the rocks, they made sure he was watching, and if they told a joke, they waited till they were sure he was listening. Later on, sitting in the sun to dry off, everyone deferred to Troy, like his was the opinion that really counted. I’d never much cared what anyone except Megan thought of me, so I was surprised about how good I felt when I saw that I’d made an impression on him.
Back at the campsite, the adults barbecued chicken and burgers and asked us to join them. I wasn’t sure if we should stay, knowing my mother would accuse us of imposing. But Megan begged and Troy said where was the harm. Izzy taunted me, saying why didn’t I run the fuck home to mammy and that was what finally swung me.
Afterwards, some of the new kids joined us and Troy roped everyone in for a game called British Bulldog. I never heard of it but he said it was an old game grown-ups didn’t like because it was rough. We settled on the boundaries in the far, empty corner of the field, with the two home lines about forty yards apart. Vic was up first. When he called out British Bulldog, the rest of us took off. He went for Jonathan on the first run, and though he brought him down, he didn’t hold him long enough to shout ‘British Bulldog, one, two, three,’ like Troy said we had to do. On the second run he got Hector and this time he sat on the younger boy’s chest and said the words. Next run they both went for Annie and brought her down. Jumbo was the last and that meant he was bulldog the next game.
Big as he was, Jumbo wasn’t the fastest and I got round him easy when he went for me. He didn’t like it but there was no way I was going to be his first capture. I guess that’s why he picked on Megan. She was pretty fast but he closed down her line. Once he got a hand on her back he threw her down hard and held her. She took her medicine though and on the next run she went for Izzy, who gave her the slip easy enough. Jumbo told her to work with him and they grabbed Hector.
By the fourth game, when Troy was the Bulldog, things were getting serious. I could tell by the way he’d fought to avoid being captured in the previous game. Vic had the makings of a black eye from Troy’s elbow. This time Troy went for his brother who ran just ahead of me, but it was a feint, and Troy spun away from Hector and tackled me around the knees. As we went down he punched me in the back. I was winded but I managed to turn and fling him off. I was scrabbling to my feet when he kicked the hand out from under me. I didn’t have much time to think before he was on my back again and slamming his fists into my ribs as he tried to subdue me. I thrust an elbow up sharp into his belly and heard him gasp.
We rolled together and I saw he was in the grip of some kind of frenzy. This was something new, I thought as I rose on my knees, something more than a game. His rage caught me off guard and he straight up kicked me in the gob. I fell back on my ass and tasted blood in my mouth. I was still in a daze when I
felt him slam into me and pin me to the ground. He sat astride my chest and called out, “British bulldog, one, two, three!”
I was mad when he finally let me up and in a mind to sort him. But he stood there grinning, like it was just the rough and tumble of the game. The others were waiting on the line and the intense urgency I saw in their faces made me feel foolish, like I failed to grasp the real purpose of the game.
Troy leaned in close and said it was Jumbo next. I nodded, feeling grateful. Seeing that fucker’s stupid grin fired me up. Well, he knew it was coming as he made no attempt to dodge us, just came on like a truck, trying to blast his way through. Troy went in low and took out his legs. I jumped on his back and held him around the neck but he was already pushing himself up off the grass. Troy clung onto one leg but Jumbo punched him in the side of the head.
He stumbled forward with me clung to his back and the line fifteen yards off. I squeezed his neck but I wasn’t making much of an impression when Troy came on again, driving a shoulder into his gut. Somehow, he kept lumbering forward. Troy pummelled with both fists as the line drew near and I felt a red mist come over me. I wasn’t really aware of what I did until I heard him scream and saw the bloody bite mark on his shoulder. That’s when he toppled over, and with the two us on his back, Troy called out the words. He came up in a fury and grabbed me by the throat but Troy screamed. “Enough, Jumbo! You’re caught.”
It shocked me to see how easily Troy could make him contain the rage that was clear all over his face. I understood then Troy had a power over him, and maybe over the rest of us. That notion disturbed me but I had no time to dwell on it because Jumbo jabbed a finger in my chest. “Don’t think I’ll forget this,” he said. “Just you wait and fucking see.”
We played out the remainder of the game and by the end of it, we were all pretty beat up and sporting a fine collection of cuts and bruises that we sat around comparing like badges of honour.
Back home my mother came downstairs and gave me a disappointed look that wasn’t much different to the one she usually gave. I told her we’d eaten and she managed a “nice for you,” before leaning down and brushing a strand of hair from Megan’s face. “I was the beauty once,” she said, but it wasn’t clear who she was talking to. “You wouldn’t believe all the heads I could turn and the things they’d say.”
Megan smiled up at her. “Were you very pretty, Mam?”
“You ask anyone, do.” She stumbled into the living room and sat in front of the TV. I warmed up some beans and made toast and took it into her on a tray. As I was about to leave the room, she called my name.
“They will come for her,” she said. “You know that, don’t you?”
“Who?”
She smiled and glanced towards the window. “You know,” she said, her voice not much above a whisper. “They are cruel, Cai. Cruel and mischievous.”
I paid no mind to much that she said. Though she spoke the same language as us, the words meant something different to her, something neither Megan nor me could grasp. It was foolishness to try to understand.
In Megan’s room I listened to her read until she laid her book down and asked if I believed in the Tylwyth Teg. I didn’t know how to answer. She loved all that Harry Potter and Hobbit stuff. She had the kind of imagination that inclined her to believe.
I picked up her book and looked at the cover. A Wizard of Earthsea. “Tell me about this.”
“You’re being cagey, Cai.”
“Why’d you ask?”
“I think that’s who Mam speaks to.”
“You don’t know that, Meg.” I sighed and put the book down. “I think she’s talking to whoever it was she used to be.”
“Don’t be silly. How can she not be who she was?”
I shrugged. “Sometimes, when they can’t cope with stuff that’s happened in their lives, people’s minds run off to somewhere they were happy.”
Megan smiled. “Away with the Tylwyth Teg, like Dada.”
“Dada just left.”
“That’s not what you said before.”
“You shouldn’t listen to half what I say,” I told her, ruffling her hair. “What do you see when I turn out the lights?”
“Dark?”
“And what’s in the dark?”
“Faces?”
“Maybe they’re the fairies. You see them in the dark, Mam sees them in her head.”
“And when you turn on the light they’re gone.”
“Right,” I said. I kissed her on the forehead and left her to her wonderings.
*
At the Falls of Snow I drew Smee and slipped away with the others when Megan began to count. I crossed the river and climbed the steep southern slope. By then the rain wasn’t much more than a warm drizzle and less of a hindrance than the bushes and brambles that tore at my arms and legs. I had no real plan in mind other than to keep on the move a while and test how far Troy was really willing to go to see out the game. The light in the wood paled and took on an unnatural hue. The air seemed to thicken and the minutes stumbled and backed up into each other and the birds and insects clicked and whistled in slow motion. Once or twice I ducked behind lichen-covered rocks when I heard voices. I waited to see who would appear but the sounds grew more distant and I lost the thread of words. Further on I found a cave and considered hiding there but something compelled me to keep going. The voices maybe, or the sense I had of moving outside of time. Up ahead, a dark form made out of dirt and leaves, shimmered for a moment and slipped into the undergrowth. I followed and left the trail where the figure had gone. Peering into the gloom I saw it again, a thousand flecks of sunlit shadow that came together in the shape of Izzy.
Hanging back, dry-mouthed and lightheaded, I blinked once and she was gone. I almost called after her but another sound caught my attention. I peeked out at the trail and saw Jumbo hacking at a clump of ferns twenty yards away. After a while he stopped and came on towards me. I squatted and watched as he trudged past, cursing away like he was trying to intimidate the trees.
I turned south and came to another waterfall and waded across the top where the flow was weak and the water only a few inches deep. A few times I head a whispered ‘Smee’ and saw a scrap of colour moving through the shadows. But nothing definite, nothing I could say was real. I lost track of time and began to grow restless, finding it odd that I had seen no sight of Troy. I thought he’d have worked out by now that I was Smee and have co-ordinated the others in searching. The game’s random nature disturbed me, particularly given Annie’s disappearance. Yet despite my anxiety I felt a strange compulsion to stick with it.
I headed back upstream and soon heard a sound I took for singing. I thought at first it was my sister’s voice, and strained to listen closer. But the sounds seemed harsh, more guttural than a little girl’s.
A few minutes later, I spied Vic coming along the trail. I scrambled up the slope, not bothering to keep quiet or cover my tracks. I crawled into a hollow behind a rocky outcrop and waited. Soon, I heard him scrabbling over the rock. He called out, “Smee,” and slid down into the hollow. Above us, a pale light glowed through the mist. I nodded and he said how hard it had been to find me. I was pleased, but at the same time anxious for the others to get here. Thinking about Annie made me concerned for Megan. I was bothered by Jumbo lying about being Smee and wondered if he’d hurt Annie. I told Vic what I thought but he said Jumbo was cool. “He acts hard but he’s just like the rest of us.”
“There’s a mean streak in him.”
“He’s not that bad, Cai. You’re just being paranoid.”
He was probably right but my doubts persisted. “How many of us were there at the start?”
“I don’t know. Us lot and maybe a couple of others from the campsite.”
“There were some I didn’t know,” I said. Vic shrugged, like he didn’t know what to say. The conversation petered out and time dragged on. After a while, I asked if he thought the others had given up.
“You ki
dding—Troy never gives up.”
“What about Jonathan?”
“What about him?”
“How come Troy didn’t keep looking for him?”
“Cos we all agreed he went home.”
“What if he’s still out here somewhere, waiting to be found?” Vic didn’t respond. Maybe in Smee there was always something else at stake, I thought, something Troy hadn’t told us. “Just like we are now. You’d think someone would’ve found us by now.”
“This is a pretty good spot.”
“But you found me.”
“You gave yourself away.”
“What if they all stopped hunting?”
“Don’t be stupid—that’s the whole point of the game.”
“I saw your sister a while back. She wasn’t searching too hard.”
He frowned. “That’s Izzy—she just does her own thing.”
I was jittery by then and could no longer wait. “I’m going to find them.”
“You can’t, that’s not the game.”
“I don’t care.”
As I began to climb out of the hollow, Vic grabbed my leg. “Wait up,” he cried. “You’ll only have to forfeit.”
“Let go of my leg.”
He let go. “You’re spoiling the game.”
“It’s already spoilt,” I told him, a cold, dull feeling in my heart.
*
It was evening before Troy and the others returned on the fourth day. We gathered at the riverbank below the bridge and smoked a pack of cigarettes Izzy had stole from her dad and listened as they told us about their day kayaking on the Neath River. Despite how grand Izzy made it sound, Troy said it would have been better if we’d all been together. He’d brought along a pack of cards and we passed an hour or so playing Go Fish and Switch.
As the light began to fade, we gave up on card games and Troy suggested we tell stories about the scariest thing that ever happened to us. The worst one would earn a forfeit. Hector began and told us about a dream where he was running from someone, he fell into a hole and couldn’t get out. It was dark and he felt tiny creatures crawling all over him. As his eyes adjusted, he saw it was worms with tiny mouths that glowed orange when they opened and began to bite. That was when he woke.
The Dream Operator Page 9